Hi. My family is very complicated. My mother and grandmother haven't talked in probably almost a decade. They hate each other.
Recently my grandmother has been showing signs of dementia and she needs help. My sister and I are only in our 20s. We dont know what to do or how to help her. I've told my mother all about whats going on and she refuses to help at all. All we need is to get her to an assisted living or something but I don't have the legal power to do so. I feel so stuck. I dont feel comfortable leaving my nana by herself because she falls and forgets things. She lost her phone and keys for several days and forgets to eat. What am I supposed to do?
If by some chance you feel competent to make care decisions and to manage grandmother's affairs you may be appointed as temporary guardian through social services should grandmother need this. Do know this is a difficult difficult job including the handling of finances which need meticulous record keeping or can land you in a world of woe with charges of elder financial abuse.
Don't take on too much right now. Request a wellness check with APS in your area.
Don't be too hard on your own mom for refusing to be a caregiver to hers. You don't know how her life was growing up. I find that when adult kids refuse to help their elderly parents the reasons for refusing to do so are always valid. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
Please don't be too hard on your mom. I am moderately estranged from my own mother and I know I'm being judged very harshly by people who don't know, and never will know, the whole backstory.
However, I have zero say in any of her care, so I can sit back and just be an observer.
It is daunting, but not as bad as it sounds. I wish you luck in finding a new situation for your nana and peace for you as you make these choices for her.
You are beyond kind to do this. God bless you!
But it sounds like from your description that your Gran needs more care than an AL will provide.
So what are your next steps? Gran needs a Needs Assessment, this will determine how much help she needs for her Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) and what level of care is appropriate. You can contact her doctor, a local seniors agency or APS to ask about the needs assessment.
Whatever you do... do not move in with Nana.
Do not move her in with you.
Do not quit school/work to care for her.
Correct. You have the clarity to see the issue right there.
Nana needs help but she can't or won't accept it.
So you are now in the *awaiting a crises* to get any change happening.
Follow the advice to involve APS.
Maybe call Nana very night to check in? Advice her local Police you may call for welfare checks if she does not answer.
Call EMS if there is immediate danger, fire or a fall. Especially falls. If you respond to her phone call & go & pick her up it won't change. Either call EMS & meet them at Nana's house, or even better, at the hospital. If there is no trustworthy adult at the home there is more chance they will transport her. (This has worked for me!)
Is your nana on Medicaid? Start looking at nursing homes. She can’t function alone and it is too much for you to take on.
Best wishes to you and your nana.
I would call APS. Let them evaluate and see what kind if resources there are available. If they feel GMa needs 24/7 care and Mom can't provide it, you may have to allow the state to take over. Do not let them tell u there is help for you to take advantage of. Just had a cousin go thru this and was given very little info on how things work. Wish he had me involved to a point because I would have asked certain questions he was not aware of. He called me after the effect.
(however, advice from some experienced person might help. And I have no professional expertise... just know what has helped in my family).
You need to have the POA notarized and hope she can remember to ASK you to check any agreements (sales or otherwise) before she signs! This may be a way to protect her from unscrupulous persons that might try to take advantage of her. And the authority this document gives you may help if you need to get her into a care facility.
Then, of course, seek guidance about what kind of care she needs and its availability.
Who is the Durable Power of Attorney, does she has one? If not you could first ask grandma for DPOA. However, this does not give you much authority to do anything, As long as your grandmother is not considered incompetent, she can live wherever she wants, spend her money any how she wants and do and go anywhere she wants. Getting guardianship is another option, however, again if she is not considered incompetent, she can fight you in the courtroom, and you will have spent a great deal of money for a mute point.
IMO the best thing that you can do is to get her to a doctor for a complete physical, then get her to a neurologist for examination for her dementia traits. Make them aware of what you notice. However, be warned she can refuse to go and you will not be able to do anything. You can talk to Adult protective services and file a report about your grandmother such as her inability to properly care for herself. They may or may not do anything.
See or talk to a Elder Law attorney to find out what options exist.
Best wishes to you,
You have the power to sumond a social worker as a relative because you have Duty of Care as every human being does with one another. Do not rely on the opinion of your mother as she actually doesn't want to be involve (and she is laying also the foundations of how she would like to be treated when she is older and fragile).
A social worker will assess your granny's condition and bring carers at specific times when support is needed (personal care, meals and medication for example). Provide emotional support for her: visit, phone and take her out -even for a garden or park-...connect. It is highly rewarding as you bring human companionship to her life and sweet memories to your heart when she's gone.
Is she getting her bills paid and taking her medicines on schedule? If grandma is handling these items okay, then she may be competent to make her own decisions. If not, then follow the advice from others about getting her help.
Second you cannot take this on by yourself. It’s all too complicated and you have a life to live. There are experts out there in the field. My mother never wanted anyone to be her POA. She thought that she would be competent forever and life would just go on. She didn’t recognize how her life was falling apart and her health was failing. She still thinks she can drive and live on her own even though she cannot even bathe, toilet, or dress herself. I would recommend contacting Adult Protective Services. Explain your concerns and tell them she has no caregiver. They may find her competent or they may be able to help her with some in-home services to start. My mother refused all help and it wasn’t until she had been sent to the hospital twice and was found to be in a bad situation that I was able to intervene and get her to a safe place. But before that, she refused all care and Adult Protective Services found her to be “just fine.” My mother was great at covering and the best liar in the world!
Third, I work in tandem with my spouse and daughter. I have done the hard work of pulling all her paperwork together, talking to an elder care attorney, finding her an affordable AL and paying her bills. I communicate with her professional care team. But I have no contact with her. It was too traumatic for me and she was very abusive, even with dementia. My daughter does the hard work of visiting with her on occasion and fielding her many crazy phone calls. My spouse will run errands and provides me with tons of emotional support.
I never discussed much the history of my abusive relationship with my children. I worked hard at giving them a better life. And my mother appears to be a sweet and caring person to the outside world. But she has isolated herself from almost everyone due to her behavior and likely undiagnosed mental illness. I tried many times over the years to point my mother in better directions so she wouldn’t have to live the life she does now. But was always met with hate and scorn.
No one should have to care for a person they hate.
If you have a good relationship with your grandmother try asking her what her wishes are when she needs help. See if she has put together any paperwork. Call Adult Protective Services. But don’t expect a miracle. You may have to wait for a major health crisis for anything to happen. And don’t expect any Hallmark moments.
Please keep us posted.
If you are still reading here, do you know why your mother is estranged from your nana? I agree that there is usually good reason for it, but I can't help but wonder why your mom wouldn't at least help YOU? You have valid concerns for your nana's wellbeing and safety, as does your sister. Can't your mom stay away from nana if the situation is that bad, but help you and your sister in the background even if it's just to get your mom under the guardianship of the state? At least then somebody is watching out, and this doesn't fall on you and your sister.
I assume your Mother does not have these powers?? I assume there are no other children IE your Aunt and Uncles?
First find out who holds this power? Perhaps your grandmother has not surrendered this authority??
You and your sister are legal adults and your are a family member. Your age is not an excuse to avoid stepping in. I assume you do not have the obligation of raising your own children yet or are married so candidly you have the time and freedom to help here. It is not uncommon for grandchildren to step in and step up. You and your sister simply need to invest some time getting educated.
First you and your sister should sit down with grandma, have a note pad. Ask questions in a manner that she will answer you. IE give her time.
Ask if she has a will? If she has a will ask if you can read it? Ask if she has assigned a guardian and a POA? Ask what she wants to do? You need to determine if she is going to accept change willingly or will it be a struggle?
If you elect to get involved you will need to get a clear understanding of her financials.
Your Grandmother may already have plans set up they just have not been implemented??
Find your local or county Senior support organization. They will have people there that can give you guidance. as far as your grandmothers state of health reach out to her primary Dr and get their insights as to her current state and prognosis. Candidly not eating for multiple days, falling these are signals that should NOT be ignored. She may be purposely trying to end her life thru starvation. I mean if her only daughter has abandoned her and she is alone, think about it.
BTW losing the phone. Switch her back to a plugged in the wall land line that way she will always know where it is. Get one with a good speaker phone. Best Buy sells them.
If your Grandmother has an attorney? Meet with them and find out what kind of plans if any your Grandmother already has in place. Normally a Will will already have a guardian designated.
If your Mother is unwilling to step in, there are no other siblings, and you are genuinely concerned about your grandmother you and your sister may have no option but to step in. BUT keep in mind in todays world these commitments can drag on for years. And your grandmothers condition will NOT get better it will only worsen. If you take this on it will be a tremendous learning experience and has the potential to help bring your family closer IE Mom and her Mom may have some sort of reconcilation. But it will be work and once you make the commitment it is difficult to unwind. This is not a "Ill try and see how it goes" If your approach is a "try" you need to have an alternate lined up in case you can no longer handle it. Best of success
There are programs out there that can help with paying for in-home care too. We have one here called IRIS. But their are others and it varies state to state.
If grandma is still coherent, would she allow you and/or your sister to help her. . . meaning. . . share personal info about her finances. You're going to have to know what her income is, what is in the bank acct(s), properties she owns, etc. If she is not going to give you access to those things, you probably need to talk to g'mas doctor to see if he can help you. If grandma is agreeable to your help, go immediately to an elder attorney to get power of attorney and medical power of attorney completed and signed by all before something big happens.
If grandma does not want help and will not give you info that you need to help her, then you may have to call adult protective. Give them the info about safety issues so they can evaluate her in the home.
Sure hope grandma is an agreeable sort with you/your sister and at least has an interest in moving to an adult facility. Will make your job much easier if she can make the decision,
2. You and sis have your whole lives ahead of you ...
3. There are things that you can do and things you can not do.
4. Check with the “Council on Aging” in Nana’s area. They will head you in the right direction.
5. If Nana allows it, start to gather everything that might be needed to find her help. She may not cooperate .. You will need financial info, including all assets, income and expenses , If she has a WILL or if someone has a Power of Attorney in her name. Does she own her house or is there a mortgage on it . Find out her medical diagnosis if you can.
6. She needs to be some where where she will be safe and cared for by PROFESSIONAL people that are trained to work with the elderly. She need to me somewhere that you and sister can visit and bring her smiles and LOVE.
7. Her assets will be used for her care but when that is gone Medicaid can help .
Good luck and do not take on more than you can handle. Caregiving is a full time job and some times thankless..
Aging, who should have an elder case worker and also a social worker. Start there.