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My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.

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hi i am in the beginning of the same situation and wanted to know if anyone has had success with cannabis or cbd or hemp oil as i have heard they are studying the use of above for dementia and the anxiety it causes. i dont want to go the pharmaceutical route as this is very early stages. has anyone had any success in this area. thanks
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I wish I could help. I would keep saying what I had said all the other times: “No.” It sounds as if she was independent most of her life and that’s likely how she raised you. But I wonder if there is any reasoning with her, given her state of mind.

An unhappy person moving in will just make you and your husband miserable. I would tell her that your primary relationship is your marriage and you don’t want to add a third person to your household. Maybe she’ll get that on some level.

Next time she carries on, tell her you are not bringing that behavior into your house on a permanent basis. Then show her the AL brochures.

Do you need to spend 1.5 hours there every other day? Not sure what you mean by “protecting” your husband here. Do you mean he has no clue what’s going on between you and her?
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you ; my husband knows her brain is broken but I don’t give him all the details on what my mom says and how she acts all the time . I appreciate you words
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Stick to your guns.
Get her checked out for anything physical that might be contributing to her distress

She mentions moving in, you say "sorry, that is not an option" and find a way to leave before you get upset. Every time. Call it a day. Visit, do what you have to do and leave as soon as she starts up.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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My Mum wanted to come to my house - for Xmas, not to move in permanently. When pressed for the reasons, after quite a few attempts, the reasons becam clearer: she wanted 3 things.
1. To feel wanted. To be invited somewhere.
2. To be looked after.
3. She wanted someone else to organise it (she realised she couldn't but didn't want to admit it)

I wonder if that is what's going on here?

An invitation to lunch at a local AL may be a start.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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just tell her her only option is the assisted living and to be honest - she would
make friends there and they have activities and truly that is your best option -
tell her the next time she brings it up to move in with you say you have made
arrangements to have her go to the assisted living.
we all become the parents - maybe talk to the people there - bring her and show her around and they will maybe have a way of talking to her that will bring her
around. good luck - you are a good daughter
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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I have had my mother living with me for 3 years now and I would say to you "don't do it" but do something. My mother has never been one to help herself and has a need to be a victim. Its dragged me down to my boots. But you need to do something about getting her to a place where she has assistance and company at all times even if it's against her will to start with. Your situation can't go on the way it is as it's bad for both of you. Start looking at places then take her to the one you like best. She will have to accept it as being the best compromise.
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How about nooo!!!!!!
My mother begged me for 5 years to relocate to where I live. I almost died from a ruptured appendix and caved. It took us 7 months to close in a house we bought together. Every time i asked her if it was really a good idea or if she thought maybe we should stop the process she said things like " you just dont want me there. " or " you dont want me to be happy". We bought a beautiful old house and renovated it. Its gorgeous. We live in a wonderful area and she can walk everywhere. She has completely assimilated into the community and had many friends and does a lot of volunteering. Here's the catch...shes a narcissist.
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She told me I coerced her into moving here so I could have a house with my boyfriend (who is my husband now, God bless him) . She told me of all the mistakes she ever made in her life this one is the worst. And on it goes. I have made peace with the situation after all this time, but she is a nightmare. Shes showing signs of memory loss and I know the worst is yet to come.
Please let your mom own her own misery, it doesn't belong to anyone else.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Wow! Thank you and I completely get it .
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Hello...
My mother is 95 years old. I hated her and my 4 siblings still hate her. But I am an empath intuitive and now after seeing how inhumane the hospitals and extended care facilities are. She has a bit of dementia but is generally still quite independent. While she was in the extended care facility, she fell twice due to the negligence of the facility and was sexually assaulted by an aide. My compassion surpassed my hatred for her. In fact, I love her so much now, not because she has changed, but because I have. As an empath, we we feel the pain of others quite tangibly. What I couldn't tolerate before, I now see someone who did the best she knew how and how much she sacrificed... I never realized until now. I never thought I would ever want her to move in, but I did it happily and it brought me joy to help her. My siblings are not supportive, but that's ok... they have their own journeys. My life has changed because of what has happened and I am so grateful that I have been given this unexpected final gift. I wish you all the best. Bless you and your mom!
PS... I know you are not a bad person, just stay open and let God do the rest. Hugs to you!
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much and I’m glad your path of life has changed to the better .
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I think you should put yourself in her shoes for a bit. This generation put their own parents in nursing homes that were a far cry from what is now assisted living and even long term care. They don't want to go there because of what they remember and what it represents to them - the last stop before death. Why don't you visit the place with her a couple of times, maybe during an event. Meet some of the residents so she can see that she might make friends. Maybe have a meal. Assure her that you will not be abandoning her there. And then live up to your word. It takes time but think how you would like it if you had outlived your friends/family and someone wanted to uproot you and put you in a place where everyone is a stranger.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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Will she go to her doctor? She might need a complete physical including bloodwork. There could be an illness or other physical problem contributing to her problems. For example my mother had an urinary tract infection with no outward symptoms except significant behavioral changes. It was only discovered after testing her urine.
Have you looked into hiring a companion to come in and keep her company and share a meal however often you can afford?
My mom is in assisted living memory care and often becomes anxious and says she wants to go home. At first I tried talking to her logically about the reality of her situation. That only increased her anxiety and confusion.
Now I tell her what will calm her. For my mom it’s telling her that there’s no one to take her today, but we can make a plan tomorrow.
For your mother I might invent some problems or renovations in your home that would prevent you from taking her in. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
I’ve learned to leave situations before I get too upset because like you I don’t want to say hurtful things. Before things get out of control I often say I made plans and have to leave even if the plans are just not being there. If pressed I’ll say anything plausible and that it can’t be postponed.
Your mother sounds overwhelmed and terrified because her life has been taken from her. I encourage you to share this with others. In situations with such strong emotions it’s often difficult to see beyond the problem into solutions.
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visit local assisted living areas affordable areas, take a tour, see what they can bring to the table, they will feed you lunch, show you activities.. take mom and visit about 6 of them in your area... keep her busy...

adult daycare.. check those out if available.

call her doctor, social worker, get ideas from them.. geriatric doctor?

do take her to senior care facilities, do smell them, look, see who is out in the common areas, anyone stuck in a wheel chair in a room? how many residents, are the content, happy, clean?

do that homework see what mom may be willing to try.
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CaregiverL Dec 2019
May, just being clean is sometimes all you can ask for & that they’re safe ...Happy or content most times will never be wherever they are...
Hugs 🤗
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HelpPlease1963: You're welcome.
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Aww 😢😢. My heart is breaking right now. My mother passed 7 yrs ago. I feel bad. ( now please understand this is just my experience) a couple of years before my mom passed. She was wanting me to spend the night with her all the time. I did. She had been exspressing to me feeling lonely and sort of defieted she'd been very imobile since the 1980's. Well up till probably the last 8 mos of her life I had been staying with her 2 weeks at a time. It was a struggle. Only because of my relationship with my stepfather and younger sister. They helped me and my mother feel alot of tension. Which is why I stopped being with her so much. You said she's been doing good up until the past year and now she's desperately reaching out to you claiming that the she feels afraid and so lonely. Personally at here age and what you said. Please take care of your mama help her to feel loved safe and cared about and for. It's not like it'll be forever. Don't let the feeling of inconveniencing your husband stop you. Please just think about everything especially how she feels. Your mamas feeling are the ones in my opinion that need reassuring. I wish you the best. Again this is my experience & doesn't mean that how you feel isn't valid. Take care ❤.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you for your input
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Keep responding - "No, mother, you can't live with me." Since you're "not really sure what is wrong," you may want to seek out a neurologist for her. Good luck.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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Keep in mind that you do not have to let her live with you. ...I'd just walk away, ignore this rant. Tiresome but when you treat it as just noise, it does seem to matter less. For sure I would not discuss it with her. You have made up your mind, there is after all nothing to discuss is there?  She will be unhappy? Well, life is like that after all. We don't get everything we want do we?
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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I’m sorry to say that you need to change the dynamics of your relationship. It will happen eventually and with her refusing to see the doctor, it’s past time already.

As hard as it is to watch our parents decline, it is just as difficult to become the caretaker and reverse your roles. You have to become the “boss” for her own good.

There may be a medical treatment that can be helpful. There may actually be a medical problem that should be addressed. You don’t have to wait “til something happens to get her to the doctor.”

Good luck,

Charlotte
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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I had friends who were able to get a two day stay/visit at a Nursing home or Assisted Living facility for their elderly loved one. I have been told that some of the facilities will allow a prospective tenant to visit for a couple of days and decide if he or she would like to return. The visit helped the client learn what assistance they could get and what activities are offered at the facility. It was just "a visit", so the experience wasn't a stressful situation for them when they know they can return home. They said some decide to return home only to change their mind to return later. Just a thought. Try calling some places to find out if they allow temporary visits and be sure to take her medicine and written time schedule for the meds if you decide to try it. Ask the facility if they need anything else for the client during the two day visit. Hope this helps.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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Look into the possibility of a live-in companion. I have done this work and found it very rewarding. Plus it is less expensive than Assisted living. Your Mom would have the safety and security she craves.
I would just do a back round check
and check all references.
Plus she gets to stay in her own home. Good Luck.
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Get a housekeeper to start coming several times a week, maybe even daily. It will give her some company each day to talk with instead of dwelling on what her life is becoming and things she can no longer do.
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You are doing a good job of seeing her daily, but it seems she needs more people contact in her life. See if she is interested in joining any interest groups: exercise, book clubs, hobbies, Bible studies... She needs more than you in her life. You can encourage but she needs to decide to act.

It is OK to be firm in your resolve that mom NOT live with you. You are responsible to make sure she is safe and healthy - and she appears to be both. I would suggest that you remind her that she may live at home or in a residential facility.... and then change the subject.

Sometimes seniors get "fixated" on certain subjects. My Gram was fixated for awhile on "how awful" my Gramps brother treated him and that they ended up selling their share of the business. It happened over 50 years ago! I reminded her of the last time she saw her BIL and his family. I reminded her that we "decided" to forgive this situation. Then, I promptly diverted the topic to something else more current or more pleasant.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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I agree with the plan to select three or more long term care residences and take your mother on a tour. My mother lived alone for a year and a half after my father died, but it was clear to us that this could not continue for long. Once she decided to move into assisted living, she became more socially engaged and even (somewhat) better organized. She stays busy there and attends every event or activity they have. There will always be a some loneliness because, as you say of your mother, she has outlived nearly everyone her age to whom she was close. You are not equipped to care for a very aged parent, and it is more important that your emotional relationship to your mother remain undamaged. Assisted living can help make this possible.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
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Just don’t ever cave! Don’t ever consider her moving in. It’s a huge challenge and most people live to regret it. Including me. Sadly, it destroyed my relationship with my mom and siblings. Mom no longer lives with me. She was here for 15 years. My family took a huge hit in the process as well.

Mom is now with my brother and his wife. I wish her well even if we no longer have a relationship. Too much water under the bridge at this point. It’s sad but with the help of therapy I am learning to cope better.

Fortunately, I have an incredible husband who was my calming force when I lost control. I have wonderful daughters and I have never put them in the position of taking sides. They enjoyed their grandmother but it still hurt them to see me being hurt by her.

I have no desire to interfere with my children’s relationship with their grandmother or to rob my mother of her grandchildren. It’s a separate relationship and I respect that. They do call her and speak to her. They don’t care much for my brother because he isn’t very likable.

Stop trying to reason with your mom. I foolishly tried to reason with my mom about issues and it wasn’t the right choice. They are set in their ways. Each person ends up feeding off of the other one’s negativity. I was naive and thought that I could persuade her to see beyond her narrow minded views. I was wrong! No one has the power to change anyone or their views.

Put two stubborn women together in the same house and it’s a surefire recipe for disaster! God bless my poor husband for what he lovingly put up with. It’s my biggest regret. He didn’t deserve that. Thank God he is a patient man and understood my confusion about my circumstances.

A friend once told me that I would always know that my husband’s love was tried and true because it was tested and he passed with flying colors. I don’t ever doubt how much he loves me.

I have his dear sweet mother to thank for the man that he turned out to be. She raised her sons very well. She was the best mother in law in the world to me. She herself had a miserable mother in law and a miserable mother, a double whammy! She promised me that she would never treat me that way. She kept her promise. I admire people like her who break the cycle of hurting others. I miss her dearly. She died way too young at age 68 with lymphoma.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much
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My mother has lived with my brother for 20+ years. She has a nice apartment attached to his home. BUT she routinely asks me and my other 3 sibs if she can move in with us.

YB has quite the temper, she knew that when she moved in with him. One reason she chose that option was b/c his house could be added onto without a lot of fuss and they all gained some space. AND the fact I am 5 minutes away and could help with caregiving of daddy. He passed 15 years ago.

Mom is not happy with the way YB treats her, a lot of the time. But as I said, the other 4 sibs and I tried mightily to talk her out living with him. She would not listen.

I tell her, straight out "Mother, WE'RE looking to move b/c of all the stairs in our house. You can't step up one single stair, unless you have 2 strong men helping you. My house is not set up for you." Falls on deaf ears. She's asked the other 3 living sibs and the answer is a flat no.

A HUGE part of this is that she has hoarded out her place and what is really very functional and spacious for one person is jampacked with junk. CLEANING her place and removing a large couch and a huge dresser she can't even open would make a big difference, but she doesn't want that, she wants fresh and new and someplace she doesn't have to deal with YB's tantrums. None of us can calm him or help him, he just has anger issues and in fairness, never thought he'd be dealing with a 90 yo needy mother.

I am as supportive as I can be, but a recent cancer/chemo regimen has made it impossible for me to help at all, I can barely take care of ME, let alone an aged woman who drives me nuts.

I would say, in hindsight, be careful about the plans to bring mom or dad into your home with the idea that it will be fine and you'll all get along---it's a dynamic few families can really handle.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you and good luck with your Cancer challenge; I’m so sorry
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Dear HelpPlease1963,
My mom was once much like yours, vibrant, open-minded and then not at all, and became damned unpleasant. I took her to a geriatrician who diagnosed depression, and prescribed Cymbalta. It eased my mom's symptoms quite a bit.
It's a place to start.
You sound like a decent, caring human doing the best you can in a difficult situation, one that increasing numbers of people in our demographic now find ourselves having to navigate. Sadly, there's no manual.
I wish you well.
R27
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much
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Two Options depending on how much time you want to devote to it:
1. If you have the time, look for Assisted Living or Continuing Care Retirement Communities in your area, not just the one you are aware of. Make appointments with your mother to tour the communities. You don't have to tell her up front where you are going. Most of these communities will offer you lunch with a tour, so tell her you are taking her to lunch. Look at all of the communities in your area. AL today is NOT what your mother thinks of when she thinks old person retirement home! Make a list of the things your mom likes to do, go over the list with your mom, get her to agree to the list. She is not agreeing yet to move, she is agreeing to the list of things that she likes to do. Then, when you are at the communities, go over the list with the representative at the community. Then have your mom weigh how many of the things she likes to do, she can do at home, versus how many more things she will get to do when she is living in AL. How many things does she not like about living alone; how many of those things will be rectified by living in AL - she won't be lonely anymore if she doesn't want to be!!
2.) If you don't have time to do all this legwork, contact a Senior Placement Specialist who can do it for you. Depending on the service you contact, they may not charge: they depend on the community to provide them with a "bonus". But be careful that they don't have contracts with just a few limited communities or you will only be directed to those who give them the best bonus. The other option is to pay someone for the service and be more sure that they have your best interests in mind.
3.) After your mom has "seen the light", call the Caring Transitions office in your area to accomplish the downsizing and relocation effort for your mom. It's a lot easier for a third party expert to help your mom downsize appropriately, than for family to tackle this task. We know we are dealing with a life time collection of belongings, but we are not attached to them, so it's much easier for us to help her make decisions. She also doesn't get to push your buttons that way. I know, I understand because I went through this same situation with my parents, and that experience is part of the reason that we are in this business today. We wanted to be able to help others avoid the pain we endured.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much for your detailed input
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You can take a few different approaches. The first would be to tell her straight-forwardly that you will need to leave if she starts talking about moving in with you, and stick to it. Don’t get yourself involved with the pointless arguments that will never satisfy her. Get your purse and leave the moment she starts up. Same thing on the phone, if she’s still using one.

The second strategy would be as others others have stated; agree, but don’t give a timeline or any specific details, and you can drag this out indefinitely. This may very well backfire on you though, because she will probably tell workers there and all other family members that you have promised this; then you’ll look like a jerk for stringing her along.
You only have control over your own actions, not hers; I would highly recommend the first option because it’s truthful and sets boundaries with her. Even if you did take her in, you wouldn’t be able to provide her with the 24/7 care that she needs. Please let us know how you decide to proceed and a big virtual hug to you from Denver.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Oh I wish that I had been smart enough to follow this advice! It could have saved me so much aggravation! I was the idiot that kept trying to reason with my mother. Obviously, that didn’t work.

Live and learn for those of us who are either completely dumb or felt that we could perform miracles!

I look back and see how clueless I was. Naive or something. Or maybe an idealist thinking I just needed to find the right approach. There is no right approach in some situations.
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We will all be in your mothers position at some point. People want to be loved and with their own family. There is no dignity in growing old. We all will face being cast away. Very few children will sacrifice much for their parents. Then before they know it, they are their parents. My mother has been living with me for 20 years. She has mental issues. My dad decided he didn’t want to honor his vows of in sickness or in health. It’s been very hard. But it’s the correct thing to do. It’s not legal to put our old folks down like a cat or dog. But I think many would prefer that vs being rejected by their own blood.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
It truly isn’t being turned away by relatives. It’s self preservation. Do you see what I am saying?

Sometimes situations get out of hand and it simply becomes impossible to care for them. If we do choose to care for others in this manner we are neglecting ourselves to the point of being a masochist.

Be honest. Would you volunteer to stay with our relatives that are so unreasonable? No, you wouldn’t so please rethink this and don’t judge others unless you are in their shoes. Everyone has different circumstances. There isn’t one blanket answer that fits everyone. There is no ‘one size fits all.’
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Say, "Okay, Mom. Let's plan for that." Then, change the subject.
As you said, her brain is broken. It's frustrating (even more for you than her). Throw logic out the window.

Find an IL/AL/Memory Care near you, that you like. Start planning to move her in. Explain to mom that you are in the planning stages. Make sure you describe it in VERY EARLY stages...thinking about renovation, considering contractors... Explain that she must move to the senior community while the planning is happening - she'd have to downsize and sell regardless of where she'd move to. Be vague, but firm. Therapeutic lies are important - but, maintain the essential truth - you ARE thinking about it, you ARE considering it (you're just not doing it).

You ARE a good person, but there's only so much a person can take. I always found it helpful to quickly change the subject and leave, if possible. Something, like "oh, did I tell you so-and-so got a new job" or whatever. A few words on it and then a "Gotta run!"

If all goes well, she'll move into a community, quickly adapt, and you'll just have to suffer through the "how are the plans coming along" conversation that she'll no doubt continue to pursue.

I wish you well.
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gemswinner12 Dec 2019
This might backfire, though. Mom is going to tell the workers at the facility, and the other residents, and even other family members. Then you wind up looking like a jerk when nothing happens and you have to explain to others. I think being honest and telling her that you’ll need to leave if she starts talking about moving in, because it’s impossible and upsetting for both of you whenever the subject is discussed.
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In my experience it has always been easier when someone outside the family makes the suggestion. Recently, a PA that my mother-in-law sees suggested that she begin a relationship with a psychiatrist to talk about her anxiety, complaints and depression. She jumped at the idea - even though we have been suggesting it for a couple of years now. Also - the home health care industry is really stepping up with lots of new services. You could back off your visits and supplement with a home health care provider who could do anything from just sit and visit to providing meds, hygiene assistance, meal prep etc. That might ease her into being more comfortable about eventually moving into AL.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Actually very good suggestion here.
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Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want to stay there? Is someone scaring or hurting her, and afraid to say anything or is she scared of another patient. My mother who has Alzheimer's was afraid of this one lady who also is a patient. This women would come into my mom's room and yell at her and accuse my mother of stealing her things. Also, their was a pair of patient care tech's that my brother and I were not too comfortable with. They would laugh at patients and we worried that maybe they might abusing them. My brother spoke with management.

You need to take your mother to visit a day care when they are having an activity for her see what they do. They may let her participate a little bit and she may find she enjoys it. Also, once her mental health has been determined whether she can go into a Assisted Living or a facility for more care then take to visit when they will be their having their activities. You can call ask the time they will be having activities and you would like your mom to see. They may asked your mom to participate with them. She might find this to be a better fit for her and she might feel more secure and comfortable. If her mind is fine and she can do assisted living they have groups that go to stores such as Walmart or grocery stores and she can do some of her own shopping and even if she really doesn't buy anything it gets her out and maybe she just needs a change of scenery and feel like she still is independent.

As someone said previously definitely get her mental state checked out and all legal paperwork taken care of in advance. It will take a neurologist to do testing and MRI, they had to on my mother. I wish you the very best. I know this is extremely hard and stressful.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much
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