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My dad is 85 with Parkinsons and some dementia (or maybe it's the medication side effects or maybe it's lifelong mental health issues). He's definitely in stage 5. His younger brother, who he loved like no one else, just had a massive stroke and is unconscious. He will be devastated when he finds out. I'm actually scared he'll have a heart attack (he's already had one). So for some reason, my mom, sister and I haven't told him. He has a good memory. And people visit him. So we have to tell him something at some point. What do we say? His brother is not concious, although that could change.

This is a post from July. A response was made.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I am so sorry for you and your husband having to deal with this. I was in a similar situation recently. My husband has PD stage 5, and is close to his sister who was in hospital with a mini-stroke. She lives 650 miles away. I waited a few days to tell him, when she was out of danger, because I knew he'd want to go there, which is not physically possible for him, but he wouldn't accept that. So, if you can wait until you hear an update on his brother's condition, that would probably be best.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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You are correct that the brother's condition may change. There can be a good deal of swelling in the brain that can go down with IV medications over a few days. However, if this goes a week the news may not be good.
I wouldn't say anything for just a few days now. If he comes out of the coma then it would be "Dad, your beloved bro has had a stroke. He's in hospital and getting the best of care, but this is going to take some time and some rehab and PT work. We are sending your love to him. What should we tell him?" Make it as hopeful as you can.

If the coma continues try to say nothing cannot last long. You would then have to go with, as tho it just happened "Dad, brother has had a stroke and he is in a medical induced coma to rest his brain. We won't know anything for a while. We are supporting his family and will let you know, but he is comfortable and resting. This is a wait and see for us all".

If he's gone, then it is the "stoke and he is gone; no pain and was peaceful. Know how this hurts you."

I wouldn't outright lie, but I would fudge this the best you can. Your Dad is 85. If he has had a stroke and he has Parkinson's then he has outlived many many with less. If honesty and the very sad passing or illness of his beloved bro DOES take him, then you will know there wasn't anything to be done. If you are a person of faith then they would be together. If you are not, then they are at peace?

I am so sorry. Just so sorry. My brother was the Hansel to my Gretel in every dark woods of life. If the grief of his loss didn't take me right on out after him I can only believe that grief doesn't kill us. We have all heard anecdotal evidence that it MAY. But I think that no reason to lie to people we love in the end.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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What a difficult decision. As you suspect, it's possible that telling him could have an adverse effect. My stepmother, in a nursing home, wanted to talk to me and my two brothers all together. My oldest brother lives across the country from us so she was going to set up a conference call. When she called to set this up, we all found out that my brother was very sick and not expected to live long (he had insisted that no one be told about this, but when she called and he wasn't able to talk, his caregivers felt she had to be told). This upset my stepmother so much that she declined very rapidly and died just a few days later.

If his condition doesn't improve and you can't trust that a visiting family member will keep it quiet, you probably have to tell him. Is there any way to stall that until it becomes clearer if the brother will improve? Seems like it would be much easier if his brother were on the mend already by the time you tell him.
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Reply to iameli
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Don beat yourself up. I wouldn’t tell my dad either. Why upset him? (You said he’s 85/Parkinson’s/ dementia/stage 5. ) What could people possibly hope to accomplish with laying that sadness on him. I’d keep that to myself and use “therapeutic lies” for my dad. I would not open that can of worms . He’s suffering enough.
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Reply to datanp97
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Your Dad is 85 with “Parkinsons and some dementia or potentially ... lifelong mental health issues”. If he does react badly when he finds out about the problem (including the heart attack), don’t blame yourself. It’s not the worst way to end things, and every elder is normally dealing with deaths and serious illnesses in their peer group. You can’t protect against the bad news.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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peanuttyxx: Tell him that his brother is ill while not disclosing the details. Go from there.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Sorry peanut, we are having quit the time lately with hackers
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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peanuttyxx Jul 1, 2024
That's Ok, Not your fault.
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If he has talked about his brother recently and asks about him then I would tell him the truth: that he's had a stroke and is not able to communicate right now and they are limiting visitors due to covid (which is still going around in my MIL's facility).

Help your Dad video a message to him. Make sure to play it for his brother, then reassure your Dad that it was played and he heard it. On subsequent visits, if your Dad doesn't ask about his brother, don't bring it up.

If your Dad has not asked about him recently then I personally wouldn't bring it up if you really think it would be too hard on him mentally and emotionally. People with dementia are losing the ability to process complex emotions and have a hard time bringing their minds to a place of peace and acceptance. This is why meds would be helpful. Failing memory means the bad news may have to be "reexplained" to him. You and your family will be best able to gauge his ability and how to deal with it.
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Reply to Geaton777
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peanuttyxx Jul 1, 2024
That's a great idea about the video call. Thank you.
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Just tell him he is sick and sleeping a lot.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Hi peanut, does your dad live near your uncle, I was going to say I would down play it big time to your dad, but if wants to go see him or phone him that won't work.

Is your dad on antidepressants or anything.

I'm thinking maybe talk to the doctor before he is told and maybe the doctor can prescribe something for him to take. Like a Xanax or Valium, I'm not sure what the prescribe older people, thinking some sort of benzo family that works fast.

I'm very sorry 😔
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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peanuttyxx Jul 1, 2024
Right. He'll want to go, even though that would be very hard physically to do. But he does have Seroquel for agitation - that's a great idea.
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I would start by telling him that he is ill and not doing well.
See how he takes that information.
If he handles it well then tomorrow get an "update" and then give him more information.
If he has a good memory and people visit him he will eventually find out what is going on.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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