What does death look like to you?

I have been divorce for 6 years, marriage ended 2 years before that. I have no plans to find another partner, so I will be doing it on my own.

2 of my 3 children have mental health issues and no capacity to help in any manner. The third does, but I have no intentions of burdening him with my care. I will live independently as long as possible. I have written a letter to my future self telling me to accept help when it is offered and if that means residential care so be it.

I have my affairs in order. I am lucky to live in Canada where Medical Assistance in Dying is legal and available and my sister in law is a physician who currently is my health care representative.

I am obese and this year and working at managing my weight. I know excessive weight will limit my life and I need to address that.

Tothill, thank you for responding. I am fortunate to live in Canada as well. 😊

Death is just the final part. Dying is really just the last few days. Everything else is living!

It is normal to have worries about the future. (Well I hope so.. I have many). I try to not ever think of worries at night in bed since I read the brain still processes worries but not solutions in the sleeping hours.

I too have sibs that I won't be able to count on for various reasons. DH cooks & cleans but does not do 'illness'.

So I suppose I will either carry on until I can't. Fall down & depart via sudden heart attack or stroke or just not wake up..

Or land in hospital & after 100 falls on crumbly bones, be sent to rehab & some sort of nursing home where I will join the choir, bingo & make the best of it.

Or, if I outlive the snorer, get a group of widows together & live in a share house Golden Girls style. You in?

Gershun, you know what they say: if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

But then again wringing your hands and thinking "what's to become of me?" will only make you miserable and anxious and waste precious time that way, so cover the basics - make a will if you have any property of monetary or family value, and I would add Downsize Downsize Downsize - plus form some ideas about what you would *like* to happen. When the time comes, you will cope because you always do.

About your partner, though. What might be sensible is to give some serious thought to how far you're prepared to support him. You don't want to get sandbagged by guilt or obligation if God forbid he encounters some life-changing illness or injury and you find you're "expected" to become his full-time caregiver. Have the two of you talked this through, not including flippantly?

I have mixed feelings about advance directives. I see so many people who "never thought" they would encounter frailty or disability or failing mental faculties - you didn't? What, nobody ever told you that in 2022 you'd be ninety-three? - and have undergone a radical change of heart about what constitutes quality of life. We sit there in reasonable good health with a form in front of us and state boldly that we would not choose resuscitation and sign our names to it. But in the back of the ambulance, thinking "SH!T this is it!!!" all of a sudden it all looks very different and people decide they do want to live after all. Fortunately no paramedic, doctor or first responder is going to wave a form at them and say "nope, sorry Mrs G, it says here..." - you are allowed to change your mind.

First think about what is important to you, but don't stop there. Also question why these factors are important, and check that they really are and will continue to be. As an extreme example: there was a wife who rejected respite care for her impossible husband because - I wanted to slap her, to be honest - the facility's garden was north-facing and he liked to spend time out of doors.

Personally, I expect to keep working. Partly because I can't afford to retire, but much more importantly because it's what women in the family do - mother, grandmother, aunts, cousins, they've all gone on doing *something* until at least their late seventies and mostly their eighties. Granny lost her marbles at 91, had her care plan messed up by my peculiar aunt, refused food and died less than four months later. Aunt 1 ignored breast cancer and died 14 months later. Aunt 2 concealed CML and died spectacularly 18 months later. Mother, dear mother, refused to make any plans, accepted my naive suggestion that we all move to the country together, and died 7 years later hating the place, hating the house, and blaming me for her being there (though she didn't hate me. I think.).

What makes a good death? Or, by that question do we mean, what makes a good end-of-life? I don't know that anyone really knows the answer, and I'm quite sure no one has any enforceable right to it. You do to some extent get what you're given, you know.

Still! What do you think you would like, and be able to cope with? And what do you think you couldn't take at any price?

I love the viewpoints you guys. I'm naive in that I think I won't be a doddering old idiot when I'm of a certain age. But of course my mom who was brilliant, seldom allowed anyone to mess with her independence, made great plans for her future, still ended up in a nursing home, angry at us and never setting foot outside her room the whole year and a bit she was there. I still believe she willed herself to die and this even with a daughter (me) who tried to make her last days pleasant enough for her.

So, how to create a different reality for myself when that day comes is a concern. I see my mom, who was so prepared and yet her pride and preparation was still not enough.

Selfishly, I hope I die before I get old.

I was writing out a long, thoughtful reply but I'll just summarize instead - sh*t happens, and fate laughs at plans and expectations. Who could have planned for the last few years?

Interesting and, for me, a very apt question.

Despite the knowledge of and experience that "The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men Gang aft agley," (often go awry), I am a planner. Now part of my plans are always that they are not written in stone but will inevitably change. I plan on it lol. And I count on God's grace to get me through whatever comes.

I planned and worked hard to be financially independent and that one worked out.

I have planned to stay relatively healthy into my old age and am doing not too badly in that regard though this CFS.FM can be a real pain.

I planned on oldest son being my POA etc. and that one didn't work out. Well, back to the planning board there.

I planned on my dd and sil being my current go-to helpers and with her recent cancer diagnosis that didn't work out. As far as the future goes, we will see.

Middle son I am learning not to plan on at all. Having kids is no guarantee for having help or support.

Siblings - well the less said about that the better.

Considering all of the above, I planned on going into an ALF sooner rather than later. Then covid struck, so I scrapped that plan.

Once, years ago, I read that the main characteristic of seniors living successfully was being flexible and able to adapt to change. Made sense then and makes sense now.

I am downsizing to a condo with the idea that it will be more manageable for me than this house and moving a bit south will offer better weather and resources. Looks like this will work out.

Re other significant relationships - I am a risk taker in some regards though not financially. I have given my relationship with R a great deal of thought and work (as has he) to establish something that will be beneficial for both of us. That was the plan. We all benefit from stable loving relationships. We will see how being in closer proximity works for both of us. We both know we are aging and that aging people need support and care e.g. if we get ill or need surgery we also need someone to bring us meals, do a little shopping for us and give us a hug. We even have plans for a recreational property with a workshop for him and trees for me!!!! If all this does not work, I have a plan B (that word again). Hire help as much as I can afford to then back to the ALF option. Thank you, Canada, for providing affordable care.

And so it goes.

Do you remember "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb"

I think he had something there.

Not sure what Canada has but here we have communities where you start out in independent living. If needed transition to an Assisted living and on to NH when needed. A number of widows from where I live live in one.

I am not relying on others to care for me. I do have a DH that will care for me I am sure. If he goes before me, I do not plan on staying in my house. I have found in life, the only one I can rely on is me. So I will plan accordingly.

I have a partner but we are both 80; one of us will be leaving the other one soon enough; we can't know which. We have children, but they are lifelong been told they are NOT to take on eldercare and are not to sacrifice their lives to their elders;that's how they have been raised and how we were raised. How did OUR parents do it without depending on us? They moved to elder care community in the one case, where they had their own place and progressed to more care as needed. In the other case the Mom, left alone with the Dad's death, got a reverse mortgage on her home.
As to ourselves we have lifelong saved knowing we would have to do so, in order to be secure in old age. I think we lived in lucky times when one salary could support a family in our early years, when my education as an RN was free (would result in lifelong debts likely now if parents couldn't afford to put kids through college). Where you could start your own small business and thrive. We made certain our kids knew they would be going to college; we managed to get them through it. And our savings should see us out in Assisted living if/when needed.
I think we have been lucky in how we were raised, the times in which we were raised, the way we were taught to save from early childhood and remained "coupon clippers" lifelong even when there was not a "need " to do so, in times when you could save. I think times now are very changed.
I don't think you are alone in your fears. I do know a personal friend who downsized the home she still owed some on, sold at a profit, bought a trailer in a lovely park, can afford the 700.00 a month that includes space and utilities with her social security and still have enough left to support herself, but who has almost no savings. She lives in California. Another has done the same in Oregon, but a fire sustained there means she is again working as an elder because she was not adequately insured, and now lives in a small rental.
There are many. I often wonder that seniors so seldom get together as roommates. Given our aging population I wonder if that will change. I hope admins will switch your "question" to discussions.
I hope there are many and varied answers. I see many saying that "man plans and God laughs". I am an atheist, but if there's a god I am certain he often gets the giggles about me, and I know many humans do as well. I made plans, always, and for me they have worked so far. They included all that coupon clipping, a joke really, I always lived below my means and I saved, saved, saved, saved. My grandson is the same and was raised to it. At 23, instead of college debt he has savings started. I think a lot has to do with luck and genetics. I have managed to stay well. Once your health fails plans are indeed a laugh and a half.
I sure wish you luck.
I often wish that Sarah Palin's "death panels" were a reality. Though I am a democrat, my hand would be raised to volunteer. I have had a happy life, and a lucky one, and am well. As a nurse I have made out all my papers in detail. But I don't relish the end and am the proverbial sissie about age and its losses one after another. I saw my brother, 7 years old than me, through probable Lewy's dementia. I don't care to go there or anywhere like it; he felt lucky in some sense to get sepsis and go on hospice. I guess I am saying I think we live too long. I have had a life and I am ready to head on to the last roundup whatEVER it might be. I have done what I had to do. I wish we had more options in all that regard and I am happy to see "right to die" laws slowly coming.

I have my AL ranch condo to retreat to at some point where I intended to live with as much support as I can afford, hopefully until I actually die from either an asthma or heart attack. If I end up in a NH, I hope to still be able to read or listen to my books or watch documentaries on youtube or cable.

I think I may have a few visits from nephews and nieces but mostly I expect my social contacts in my later years to be the friends and acquaintances I make at the senior center and church.

A "good" death to me would be like the 93 year old neighbor I knew as a young adult. When a snow was coming, he went to the barn to care for his horses and was carrying some lumbar up his driveway when he had a sudden heart attack and was apparently dead by the time his 88 year old wife called for help and joined him with a quilt.

I'm going to help as many people as I can (in small ways) for as long as I can while enjoying ball games and other local events. If my health and finances allow, occasional travel will give me something to plan for and enjoy too.

Dylan Thomas
"Do not go gentle into that good night"
When he tells readers to "not go gentle into that good night" and "rage against the dying of the light," he's telling them to not accept death passively. Instead, he tells people that the last thing a dying person gets to choose is how he faces death.

I have nothing to look forward to. No siblings or partner (yes, I have cousins who are lovely and sibling-like, but they have kids and their own worries). So that I'm looking at a pretty bleak picture. My only hope is that I go fast and don't need a lot of care. Other than that, I'm looking at a pretty dark picture. Both my dad and maternal aunt had Parkinson's and that was not a pretty way to go.

Stop worrying about the end of your life. Enjoy the present to the fullest. If you can afford it, you can buy a long-term care insurance policy. Don't worry, death will find its way when the time comes but for now, relax and live the present.

It's trite to say 'don't worry about death & enjoy life now' yada yada. The truth is, however, that if we DON'T 'worry about death', we wind up putting that burden on someone ELSE, don't we? Like our children, for instance, for those of us who have them.

My cousins did the wise thing; they bought into a continuum of care situation where they pay a huge up front fee of around $400K to be cared for for LIFE. They're starting off in a brand new IL apartment that's 1500 sf, decorated to their preferences, 2 bed/2 bath, with a view of the mountains. They pay around $3500 a month in rent which includes about 12 meals a month, per person, in restaurants on the property or delivered to their apartment by staff. They can then move into AL/MC/SNF or cancer care as needed, on the property, but they'd pay rent accordingly in each location, until their money runs out. At which time their care is free of charge until death. If there is money left over when the last one dies, it goes back into their estate.

My DH & I cannot afford such accommodations, but we do have a house that's appreciated in value double-fold since I bought it in 2003. So we'll downsize at some point, pocket the cash and use it for our nest egg in old age. We also have a plan to end our lives (if necessary) with pills & booze if we face a dementia diagnosis or some other horrible fate, and that's that. We feel that in the end, it's easier to go quietly into the night than to burden our children with our care or try to figure out how to pay for LTC in a facility, etc. Although I am not opposed to Assisted Living at all, IF I can afford it. I have no doubt one or more of our 7 children would step up to offer to care for us, but moving in with one of them is NOT in our plans!

The other thing I've thought about lately is manufactured homes; they are quite affordable and quite nice, too. Around here, there are even senior villages of manufactured homes that I want to check out (NOT trailer parks). I wonder if they are becoming popular all over the country?

I think Golden's message about flexibility is right on the money🤔. Many of the posts I've read through the years that are furious rants about the lack of planning are really about a stubborn unwillingness accept that circumstances have changed and the status quo isn't working any more, and that goes for caregivers who continue on despite personal damage as well as the care recipients.

I've worried for years about how well my husband will handle my eventual decline if it comes to me first. He's spent our whole marriage nagging me that every ailment can be cured by working out obsessively as he does, and my refusal to do that is, in his opinion, the reason why I'll die someday -- even if I'm 92 like my mother who never worked out a day in her life.

He also isn't great in a crisis, although I'll give him some credit for being able to call 911 when I had pancreatitis attacks three times in the past couple of months. However, the last time I had to send him home from the hospital because HE was the one about to pass out. (No lie -- he left the hospital and went to work out.) He also has zero curiosity about medical issues and no interest in learning about them or how to treat them. That could be a problem down the line, too. There's no need to learn about medical issues if you'd just work out, you know!

Fortunately, we already have all our powers of attorney and our trust set up, and there's plenty of money to cover nursing homes, if needed. My kids know how I cared for my parents in the past couple of years and they know my desires in terms of care and funerals. I'll have to remind them or readjust my requests as time goes on, since I'm only 60 now and have no expectations of any major crises in the near future now that my gallbladder is gone and no longer causing me issues with my pancreas. However, if something dreadful comes up in the near future, I feel like I can handle whatever comes after having been through it with my folks so recently.

I think a lot of my worry stems from my partner and how I've seen him deal with his elderly parents. I don't like to criticize him on here but I'll need to to make my point. He treats them very badly. Granted, they are no picnic and I refuse to see them and have for a number of years. So taking that into account maybe they have reaped what they sowed. They've been doing a number on him for most of his life and this is their payback I guess. While I would choose a different route. Rather than get them back for getting me I choose to just avoid the situation entirely. I suppose as their child he doesn't have that luxury. And when I say mistreatment, I don't mean physical or mental abuse. I see just an extreme lack of caring on his part. That's not my way and I can never be callous even if maybe it's deserved.

I even voiced my concerns to him about how I see him treat his parents and my question to him was "Is this what I have to look forward to when I start to lose my faculties?" His response was "But you are a girl of love" Girl, LOL! So I take that to mean I'm nothing like his parents and therefore need not worry. I hope and I pray.

I'm glad you've all been generous with your responses. I think this is an important topic and if it is a gentle kick in the right direction as far as planning for your future then I'm glad I brought it up.

I don't think we should obsess about death, but still some thinking has to go into planning what will happen. I have no children but have a partner who would help..but I took out LTC insurance so if I need to go to AL or nursing home I will be able to. I see what no planning does. My mother is in AL and will run out of money if she lives more than two more years, So don't know what we will do. My Dad only stayed in a nursing home for 2 months before he passed..,,although he should have gone much sooner. It was hard on everyone in the family the last two years he was home.

Two things come to mind, one is the group of little old ladies I grew up knowing in church. They all had the same mantra “I’m not leaving my house” like it was scared. Many of them wound up in dangerous circumstances trying to stay in a particular house. I quietly vowed to never be like that and am grateful we’ve moved quite a bit over the years and I don’t feel that obsessive need to stay in a place. Second, my dad was known for his firm rule that he wouldn’t live with any of his adult children and we also couldn’t live with him. I’ve seen the wisdom of this and plan for the same idea

I’m new here. Just recently became a caregiver and I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious most days. I just want to tell you all that this particular thread has been both heartbreaking and comforting. I can’t tell you how much your willingness to share your journeys, plans, hopes and fears has helped settle my heart. You all have endured so much and are still willing to share and reach out to help others.

I am only a few months into this journey but already know that the last thing I want is for my children to feel this weight. If that lesson is why I’m going through this with my own parents, it will be worth it.

Since being thrust into the role of caregiver to my now 95 yo mother with dementia, I think about this quite a bit.

My two young adult children have watched the situation unfold over the past 16 years. They've watched as I've (reluctantly) let go of so much to care for my mother.

I will never ask them to take on the burden of hands-on caregiving. Never.

And, without my prompting, they have both told me that they will make sure I'm cared for properly and if needed they will hire an in-home caregiver.

However, in my heart I don't believe that I'll reach the point of needing someone else to care for me. This gig has taken years off my life and I really no longer care.

Age never concerned me but when I turned 62 and SS began I became more aware of my age and had some concerns. I had already been a care partner for my husband for 20 years at that time so was aware of those issues. Then we met a lady who was turning 100 and realized, hey, I may have another 30-40 years left so I should take better care of myself just in case! She still used her computer to Skype with relatives far away. When she saw me and a couple others using our new iPads she decided she wanted one so her family gave her one for her 100th birthday! She began playing Words with Friends with us and quite often beat us! She was probably 101-102 last time I saw her and she still had her iPad but no longer played but only because of her vision! So while we have all documents in order, I try not to dwell on how it will happen. I am saving as much as I can to be able to care for both of us as long as I can. I’m trying to prepare financially to provide what our sons will need to be able to keep us in our own home as long as possible.

Invest in gathering a group of friends - young and old - who care for each other. I found "my group" at church and with some reliable relatives. There are good people out there; go find them.

Gershun, I might have a similar situation. As a gay man, I don't have children or a partner to take care of me in my later years. My older brother would give me whatever support I needed - financially, letting me stay with him, or whatever, but I would not want him to have that burden.

And, being in the home healthcare industry, I've been able to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of aging and death. I have had to listen to many adult children "wishing their parents were dead" and others charging up their credit cards because "mom's happiness is the most important thing in the world to me".

With all that said, I have no fear of old age or dying - both are inevitable - and I can have power over both. At some point, my money, my health, or my will to live might expire before my physical body does. I will do what I can to prepare for that day, not obsess over it, nor fear it.

On a happy note, I told my brother I am planning to be cremated. He told me he would spread my ashes in Thailand for me because he knows how much I like it there. My response was, "I like McDonald's too! The parking lot will be fine!"

You're not alone.I don't worry about ending up there but just my quality of life by a strangers hands.I think of this often with my mom in a nursing home. Like you I have No kids.I have no close friends.My brothers don't even see mom.An ex husband, that I get along fine with, but is extremely short in patience in everything he does and 7 years older.And doesn't even want to listen to anything that has the words nursing home in it.Don't know who to get to look after my interest if I end up in nursing home. No family members that have that kind of gumption .

As my siblings and I age, we pondered how the future would look. One of my sisters joked that we’d probably have to move in together to take care of each. That’s funny because I see them today (while in good health) as very selfish, not wanting to shift or change their own lives in caring for our mom in her last years. Sadly, they will face a sad future if they believe that their children and spouses will lift a hand in caring for them. I wouldn’t sit up at night worrying about tomorrow. Each day has its own problems. Enjoy life for now.

You have been reading my mind. Currently I’m alone, looking for a 4 legged companion to take me through the rest of my years..I’m currently 72. Lost my third husband and Son in 2020. Just lost my best friend (dog) this year , he was 17. I fortunate to have the Lord. I have no family left. I too am asking what to do ? Thank you for the question.

I will be 89 and live in assisted living and realize I am l00% alone. I have no one friend here as almost all have dementia and no interests in anything. I am very super high functioning but can't walk due to spinal issues but I can still safely drive and do (alone) to go out and eat. I just finished 60 courses in six years of online college courses - loved it but got tired and wanted more ME time. I still work two jobs - one for 52 years and 15 as a Power of Attorney. I handle all of my own affairs and have a kitty and hobbies. But I have NO family and all but two friends are gone - they are about three hours away and have very busy lives. I have other computer friends but they are all over the country. I am not doing well and I have had to accept the fact I AM 100% ALONE AND WILL DIE ALONE. I am not happy about it but what can I do? Nothing? I want to die in my own bed in my room, not in a hospital, with my kitty. They do nothing here - in and out and don't speak or interact with residents. I hate the thought but I have peace because I won't be suffering any more, But all of my papers are always completely current and up to date in every way. I have already paid for my funeral and cemetery. Nothing much for anyone to do. Sad but true.

If I've learned nothing from the 4 years or so that I've been reading the AgingCare forums it's that blood doesn't guarantee love or support, and that the kindness of strangers is often what we end up being most grateful for.

I'm in your position, too- married but no kids and no close family. I thought about this in my late 30s when children were definitely out of the equation and began saving for health care so that when it got to the point where we couldn't care for ourselves we would (hopefully) be able to afford a nice facility to spend the last years with the company of other residents (it's strange to think that the music of my generation will include Kiss, Metallica, and Van Halen- no Perry Como to lull us to sleep as we doze in our wheelchairs in the solarium!).

In the end, however, we all die alone regardless of where we live or who is with us... the best we can hope for is an easing into it as we get there. My father died 2 months ago in a warm, clean bed in the little hospital of the coal mining town where he had been born 88 years earlier. I am forever grateful to those strangers who took such excellent, kind care of my old dad during his last days and were with him in the early morning hours when his heart gave out. Personally, I hope I am surrounded by that same kind of care when it comes my time but until then I plan to enjoy life and be grateful for whatever each new day brings.

To me, death is letting go. At 71 and given my family medical history, I probably have another 10 or 20 years to live, if not more. Yet I am already starting to let go. The possessions that I have spent a life time acquiring are now subject to thinning out. I am pruning back some of the now-unused items, giving them to my sons or to charity. I have had them, enjoyed them, but it is time to let them go to someone else who will, perhaps, cherish them as I have. If I live long enough, I hope to have no more than 1 box in the attic, just old holiday ornaments stored for the next holiday. Everything else will already have a new owner.

Like my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, I expect to outlive most of my friends. Perhaps there will be newer, later friends to spend some last hours visiting with. Perhaps not. However, I do not fear being alone when my time comes, though that may well be the case. I will be letting go of the possessions, the friendships as time goes on, keeping the memories of all the wonderful times in my life. If I happen to be alone when the final letting go occurs, I am sure that it will be spent living in the memories of the good things I have owned, the good times shared with friends and family already gone. There have also been bad times and disappointing purchases. I try to let go of those as quickly as possible. I want to hold on to the things that are best, have the best memories. Ultimately, I will only hang on to the memories. Those, perhaps, will accompany me on my way out of this life. I expect a peaceful death, not missing those things or relationships that I have released, but cherishing the present memories of everything that has brought me pleasure and contentment during this long and eventful life.

I encourage you to let go of any expectations you may have had concerning your sibs and partner, possessions, and career. Focus instead on the happy memories that you can keep with you. Buy or make a few items that will make you particularly happy. Cherish these things, for a while, making the memories that will sustain you. Join a garden club or some other organization where you can make a friend or two based on a loved activity. Hang tight to the memories you are making and let go of any that do not sustain you. You can be happy and satisfied with the memories that you make and keep. Look at old photo albums or year books and try to lock into your minds the good times past, even while letting go of the people and things that made them. I think you will find some peace and contentment there.