As the only daughter left alive, I convinced my husband to sell our home and move 1000 miles to live with my parents. He said yes, on one condition, that we would go away for the winter months. I agreed. It has been 4 years of living half the year with my parents and the other half we go away in the winter. Now my parents health is increasingly worse. My dad has heart failure and has difficulty walking anywhere because he can't breathe properly along with a few other ailments. My mom has her own health issues, mostly depression and has no energy. Both of them are experiencing some memory loss. When I am at home, I take care of both of them, take them to constant Dr.'s appointments, groceries, cooking, etc. Now, we recently departed for our 6 months away and I Skype with my parents every few days. They both are in their early 80's. I always told them while I'm away if there is a need, I will be back home on the next flight. I did get a cleaning service to come in twice a month to do the floors at least while we are away.
The last time I skyped with them, they both were saying that they were not feeling well at all. I'm having extreme guilty feelings for not being there, my dad can still drive but can't really walk to do groceries, which means my mom has to go in the store to buy food (she hates grocery shopping).
The problem is that when I am home with them, I get very stressed out because my parents constantly fight and argue. Also, they are European background and very old school. As the eldest and only child left, I always took care of my parents rather than my parents taking care of me. Now that I am 60 years old and my husband is 70 years old, we just don't have the same energy and patience that we used to have.
I don't know what to do, whether to fly back home and leave my husband for a few months alone and go help my parents or just wait till there is an emergency and then take it from there. I have such conflicting emotions on how to deal with it.
Turns out she had a bladder infection, that landed her in the hospital. But even before she was treated, it was as if someone had slapped her across the face and reason returned. At least for a while. She admitted she was not thinking clearly.
So, she was so much better after they cleared that up, that even after we made arrangements to put her into assisted living, I thought I can do this. At least for a while. She did not want to move out of state to be with us, or leave her home, but when it was put to her, these are your choices, she chose me.
We have a home 450 miles away, much more comfortable than her old drafty farmhouse, and an active life and friends here. I was willing to offer care here, but I was not willing to move back to my home town to do it there. And I have done so. I eat a very healthy diet, she was living on PB sandwiches. We also take lots of supplements, and stay active. Just today, a friend told me how the change was so noticeable, and how Mother "blossomed" here.
Its been 11 years now. She is 85 in April. She still gets around with a rollator, goes 5 days a week to the Adult Day Care Center, that she just loves. Friends, food, and activities. That has helped too.
So, as long as she can do very basic things, albeit now with much prompting, I can continue her care here. But as I have said all along, I have no children. I can not break down my own health, when it is physically beyond our capabilities. I have shown my love and care for 11 yrs. But when it reaches a certain point, difficult though it will be, it would be time for NH. And we did have to admit her for a week to follow a hospital stay for PT. Yes, it was a difficult decision, even just for that. But we can only do so much for so long without help. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
What this means is that many people in our circumstances have eldercare responsibilities that can be complicated by multiple sets of cultural values.
What it also means is that we have loads of contact with European cultures. And you know what? European cultures -- German, in my case -- are not stuck in a timewarp! Eldercare facilities -- AL, CC, etc. -- are even more common in Europe than they are here. "Old school" is apt, but the European aspect is moot.
Bottom line: you must protect your marriage and your life FIRST. Your parents are an important DUTY, but your husband and your own life are your PRIORITY. Do not renege on a promise to your husband just because your parents are stubborn. If they're not capable or comfortable or safe living independently (without you), then they're not independent. Period. Time for a change in their living arrangements.
I don't know how many times my parents would complain about something and I would bring up "it was your choice to keep living here" [regarding their large home].
I'm also the last child, 600 miles from my mid 80s parents who are in a similar condition as yours. I feel our responsibility is certainly to provide care for our parents, whether in home or in an appropriate facility. But we also have a responsibilty to not destroy our lives and neglect our families in the process. One is equally important as the other.
In this balance there will be doubt, guilt, second guessing, weepy parents and the whole nine yards. It won't be perfect. Old folks get sick, have falls, the mind goes and there is only so much that can be done to mitigate these truths. This goes on whether you're with them 24/7 or they're in a facility.
So find the best way for your family to balance the care of EVERYONE.
On the shopping front, can your Mom walk well enough to get one of the motorized carts from the front of the store and bring it back for your father? That's what I do for my Mom when we go, because she can't walk around stores, either.
Next, can your parents afford more help? Some of the tasks at least could be covered by a home care companion/housekeeper if the funds are available. In addition, that person could take care of those occasional mini-emergencies such as a beeping smoke alarm, a burned out light bulb, etc.
Who takes them to drs appointments when you're not available? I'm assuming that these are spread out over the course of the year, not concentrated within the spring and summer months.
Generally, I would think that if parents are impaired enough to need a live-in helper, they're going to need that year-round, not just half the year. That doesn't make it your responsibility. Maybe they should be in assisted living. That may be the only option unless you can be with them more or less year-round without damaging your marriage of destroying your sanity.
Next, do your parents need supervision
To live independently, at the very least, they need someone in town they can rely on. Someone who checks in by phone at least every few days and stops in once a week.
It's time for assisted living if you plan on spending six months away.