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My sister and her family (husband and two kids) were gracious enough to take care of my mom for the past 6 years, who started out with dementia and now has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Last month, my sister moved my mom to an adult home care/assisted living. Although I understand why, I have an issue with the facility itself. It's run by nice people however there is no overnight staff, nor any enrichment/respite service to cater to someone with memory issues.Being that my sister has financial POA, she has full access to both my mom's pension and SS benefits, which is directly deposited into her bank account. As I wasn't really as involved with the caring of my mom, I didn't make an issue until now. Since she was moved out of their home, I do have questions about the type of assisted living she choose. I feel like my mom can afford better than where she currently is, however my sister is not sharing or being honest about my mom's total income.
How can this be resolved without going to court? Any advice.

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Have you visited your mother's new home in person and seen what the place is like? Have you profusely thanked your sister for the years of hands on care she provided? No doubt, there is a staff member overnight in the home, otherwise the state would intervene upon a report of this. Chances are great your mother’s income in large part, or the whole, is required to pay for her care. Have you tried having an honest, open conversation about mom’s finances, minus stating any upset, but approaching with concern about how well her money will last?
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You don't indicate whether you lived in the same city (or nearby) while your sister was taking care of your mother, and / or how much you were able to help. If you are in the same area, maybe offer to take her out to lunch and just see how she is doing, try to get on the same footing and let her know how much you appreciate everything she has done. Then potentially voice your concerns from a place of just being 'curious' and 'not familiar with how this particular facility operates.' Assume she has your mother's best interests at heart.
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Reply to YaYa79
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There has to be overnight staff when Dementia is involved. People with Denentia are 24/7 care. There may not be an RN but she is on call. There has to be at least one aide.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Thanks for the advice. The facility is small. There are about 8-10 residents there. To my knowledge, there is a resident there who acts as an overnight attendent for the rest of the residents. There is no nurse, just one aide there from 6am to 6pm.

I don't know what the bank set up is. It used to be joint, but I have no idea what it currently is.
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Reply to Tamik73
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Tamik73, welcome to the forum. Please fill out your Profile which will help us understand your situation better.


Your sister is probably physically and emotionally burned out. It is said that 40% of all caregivers die leaving behind the love one he/she was caring.


Please note any type of caregiving home or a Memory Care facility is going to be very expensive. My Dad was in a Memory Care and it was costing him $7k per month, and that was 7 years ago, so I can just imagine what is the cost today. And that's not counting the cost of personal items (Depends are expensive), out-of-pocket cost for medicine, clothing, shoes, eyeglasses, hearing-aids, phone service, accountant for income taxes, etc.


My Dad's pension and Social Security were deposited into his bank account to which I was authorized to sign checks for any of the above mentioned expenses. Could be your sister has a separate account with her name and your Dad's name?


With the above in mind, do you still believe that your Mom could afford better? And for how many years? A good friend of mine, his wife had Alzheimer's for 15. Also note, many Memory Care facilities have a long waiting list.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Have a talk in person with your sister. Express your concerns. Ask questions about what can be afforded. Ask her for any financial modeling she might have done. Mention your concern and desire for Mom to be in a better place. HOWEVER, I think with this ask, you have to offer up some help, eg doing research and legwork in the process. Then see what your sister says..... If still a major disagreement that you cant live with, then may need to escalate.
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Reply to strugglinson
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Are you saying mom's money is being deposited into your sister's account? If so, that does not sound like a good idea and would make it more difficult for your sister to give a clear picture of which money belongs to which party. She be doing this out of ignorance and just thought it made sense at the time. Give her the benefit of the doubt but it's also OK to ask questions.

I would nicely ask her what she thinks of the facility. Tell her you're a little concerned about no one there at night. That is definitely disturbing to me. You could try to be on the same team with your sister and try to ensure that she does not feel attacked. Since she has been taking care of your mom it's easy to feel defensive.

I hope sister will be willing to talk about things and come to a mutually agreeable solution.

Best of luck
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Reply to againx100
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Alzheimer’s IS the most common type of dementia .

Does this assisted living have absolutely no one on staff overnight ? Not even one aide ? I have never heard of that before .
If that is the case I would be concerned .
Is this one of those small care homes in a house with like only 6-10 residents ?

Even many large assisted livings do not have a nurse on overnight but there are always aides overnight , and a nurse on call .

You could try a mediator to help you voice concerns to your sister.
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Reply to waytomisery
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