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Lately I have seen more and more post about people trying their hardest to take care of a parent or parents even when they are not really able. My question is this- I wonder why most of society expects children to take care of parents at whatever the cost? In my situation, my father had gotten unable to walk, tend to personal needs, unable to get in and out of bed and he has health issues that need monitoring. But, there are many people who believe I should not be working, not have a life, leave my home, give up my pets and etc. To many people, it does not matter if the child or children are physically or mentally unable, just take care of your parent. I would just like to see everyone else's thoughts.

Who was going to help me? Not Rude Aunt. She prided herself in stirring up trouble and making unreasonable demands about my dying father's care. I asked her to spend the night in dad's comfortable guest room - just one night - so I could go home, 90 miles away, and take care of my cat. She refused, giving no reason other than she didn't want to. Mom could have helped and kept saying she couldn't think of anything to do for him (they didn't live together). I asked mom to let dad borrow her companion (who he paid) one afternoon a week to grocery shop for his household, but she found that unreasonable and declined my request. There were no other family members living close.

When family members could but won't help, even a little, we feel angry and resentful. No way around that!
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BurntCaregiver Jul 12, 2024
@Fawnby

That's terrible your aunt wouldn't even stay one night to help you out and your mom should be ashamed of herself. You should have gone over her head and asked the companion yourself if she'd do a bit of side work and shop for your father.

When my ex-husband was dying I helped with his care and I was married to someone. My current husband understood why I helped with his care. Even though we were divorced and it was nit a bitter and vicious divorce like some people have, we were married and in each other's lives for a long time.

It's such a shame when families are generous with their criticism and advice to the family caregiver but won't spare a moment of their time to help the family caregiver. I got no use for people like this.
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Nobody should have to take care of it all by yourself. You have a right to life too. If it is possibly get at least 5 members of the family involved. You will need a village.
Someone to clean, someone to prepare meals, someone to shop someone for doctor appointment's someone for phone calls, someone to pay bills. If you cannot count on the family and if he has funds get some help in the house.
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faithfulbeauty Jul 11, 2024
@Bubba12345,
Yes! A village is definitely needed! My dad has been in a facility for almost two months now but before he went, I did not have a village. We only had one lady who helped out in the mornings and when was able, she came by in the afternoons. For years it has been all on me.
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I also think a lot of what people are saying to caregivers like , " you will miss her someday". Is people internalizing their pain from missing there parents and it's coming out.

They are trying to in there way , tell you how much they miss there parent, and how painful it is.

Which I get that, but I'm also not going to let caregiving ruin my husbands retirement either
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waytomisery Jul 11, 2024
yeah . I never understood that statement .
People will miss deceased people whether they take care of them or not .

It’s just a guilt trip .

I counter with , it would then make more sense to enjoy the time they have left by having pleasant visits , rather than tug of war caregiving where a parent is manipulating and hateful and the caregiver is burned out .

I realize though that it doesn’t guarantee pleasant visits either . Some elderly just can’t manage being pleasant at all , whether a child is their caregiver or not .
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Frankly, I think, in cases of cognitive decline and mental illness, society forces us into caregiving roles, during that dangerous and frustrating period as you wait for enough evidence or a safety/medical crisis for a diagnosis.

My mother demanded me and only me, and was surprisingly strong and mobile. In her 90s she’d try break down our locked doors, making demands. Threaten to file fake police reports to ruin us if she didn’t get her way. But she showtimed well enough to talk her way out of a suicide psych hold 12 hours into the 72 hold. I felt unsupported with few options.

And, until I had kids of my own, I really didn’t understand how much I’d been groomed and manipulated. I had a friend in high school whose mother stated that she had chosen him to be her future caregiver. (she had 3 sons) She never hid her expectations. My mother was much more subtle and undermining. When I left my hometown as a young adult, her flying monkeys phoned to tell me what an ungrateful brat I’d become. Of my entire generation plus the generation after, only four of us have left the area: one of my cousins, me, and my two daughters whose university city is a one hour drive.

Sadly, I learned my mother wouldn’t do a thing to help me in a crisis, unless it included public accolades.
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I also think the world is suffering from a tremendous lack of empathy.
Because it has never happened to them. Because, somehow, in their twisted minds, it will never happen to them. Until it does. But, still lacking empathy, some think their situation is unique, different from everyone else’s.
I think a lot of social services are dismissed by the same mindset. Just deal with your problems internally. Keep it within the family. Keep up appearances.

What, me cynical?
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The first SS check was given in about 1940 and it was $25. Medicaid and Medicare did not come into being until 1965. Up till then family took care of family. My Dad was one of 8. He always had a family member living with them. His grandfather and Aunt at the same time and a cousin at another. People back then lived from pay to pay. We had WWI, the Depression, then WWII. It was not till the 50s and 60s we saw some prosperity. And people still took care of family because those people could not save money for the future because they had lived from pay to pay. My parents were these people. Dad made a living wage, then at 52 had to retire for heart problems and went on disability. Mom was his caregiver. All she had when Dad died was the house and his life insurance policy. I used that policy for care in an AL then Medicaid for LTC.

I don't think neither of my parents expected to live as long as they did. Dad was 79 and felt he was on borrowed time. Mom was 89. Her siblings gone at 53, 60 and 79.

This Country needs to be in the here and now. The future does not look good for SS. That means our children will have to work and have 401s and savings for their future. They cannot afford to care for us. Some of our members were born to people who waited till their 30s, even 40s to have children. There is no way that their futures should be ruined to take care of parents. Grandchildren should not be taking care of grandparents. We are the Caregiver, we have the choice to say NO. There is no disrepect is saying NO I am not going to compromise my family or my future to care for a parent who thinks I owe them or any other family member. There has to be respect on both sides. Boundaries put in place.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Jul 11, 2024
I think the fact that people are living longer has a huge impact as well. Doctors can fix so many physical problems now - but of course haven't figured out how to fix things like dementia and age related cognitive decline yet.

My grandmother is 98. She and my grandfather paid ungodly sums of money every year for long term care insurance. My grandfather passed a number of years ago - and never had any need for it. My grandmother won't even let US help. Only my mother. Only EVER my mother. We almost bodily had to carry her to our house during COVID lockdown so that they could stay here and not have to go out for any reason (only I was leaving to pick up groceries)

She most definitely has dementia - though undiagnosed. In her mind - and quite frankly out loud as well - she is taking care of my mother. We share a home with my mother and have for a while since my dad passed away. We sold our home and moved here so that we could pay the bills and she could travel. That ended quickly. Mom ended up moving to stay t my grandmother's home because she needed more and more help. My grandmother believes she is saving mom from *having* to be here (something mom actually WANTS!) My grandmother has mom split bills with her and everything like she's renting her a room or something. My grandmother has decided that she rescued mom, rather than needing to have someone take care of her.

She has refused an outside caregiver, she has refused Palliative Care (which her doctor recommended but she said "I'm not there yet, if I am in 6 months I'll think about it" Honestly - we are all just holding our breath to see if she makes it 6 months.)

LTC Insurance was my grandfather's idea. I think if he had outlived my grandmother, he would have used it.
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I think there should be more education, for everyone, starting at the doctors office, have pamphlets and/or posters about having your ducks in a row to keep your independence and not have to be a burden on anyone.

I've heard AARP does a horrible job with this, but honestly mine go in the garbage, when they come in .

I read a horrible disgusting reply from dear Abby a few months ago. Someone at the end of there rope, and she pretty much said, in so many words, just suck it up.

There just needs more education. Aging people are scared and they are all looking to hard at there children to do everything. If they where educated better , maybe it wouldnt be so scary. ( On the other hand maybe it will make them more scared)

Even more TV shows, or movies, to show how hard it is.
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I am literally in that position right now. Mother is bedbound, has dementia, repeated UTIs, but the sense that I must care for her rises above everything, even common sense. Have gone past the end of my rope and am basically in free fall, but I will care for her at personal expense because it's what she would have done for me in our horribly enmeshed relationship.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 12, 2024
@Tynagh

If your mother is bedridden with dementia, why is she not in a nursing home? Put her in one.

Do you have her POA? If not then get the person who does to sign off on it and find a long term care facility.

We only get one life. All this gult-tripping and enmeshment bullsh*t has to be put away for your sake as well as your mother's.

You are burned out, tired, miserable, and resentful and rightly so.

Know what the combination of these things creates?

The perfect conditions for elder abuse.

Put your mother into residential care and take your life back before you get pushed over the edge and do something you'll regret.
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I think the majory of people who hold the beliefs you've stated are senior citizens who don't need care yet. This is where the guilt-tripping tactics come in.

The other group who holds the beliefs you've said are people who are currently care slaves to needy, elderly parents or relatives or have been. The mentality being if they had to do it and suffer everyone should have to. Really it is a form of abuse and we all know that abusive behaviors often continue generation after generation until someone breaks the cycle in a family.

Here are my honest thoughts on it. If people love, respect, and value their children (and many do not) they would NEVER want their adult children to give up the lives they've worked for or the potential lives they could make for themselves to take up the miserable drudgery and become a care slave to their parents.

My husband and I love our son. That is why we are people who make their own old age care plans and arrangements. We want him to live his fullest and best life. We don't want him to out of some well-intended but misguided sense of duty to us feel that he must spend his life caregiving for us. We will not allow him to take on our care. Make the plans when you're able then the kids can put them into action when the time comes.
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I had this guy say to me " I think its an Honor to take care of My Father . " Yes Buddy you Live in France and Visit your Dad Once a year in Maine for a couple weeks . Kind of a Hypocrite . Or someone will say " Well he isn't that hard . " It is Woman who do the primary caretaking and some good men . Different cultures it is expected of you - Hispanic People , Asian People . I Know In India The Mother rules the nest and In the Jewish culture also - Matriarchal . People are groomed for the job wether unconsciously or written . There is a reason why the Caregiving falls on one person . Most of Us fall into this Role unwittingly . I would Like to see more respect and rights for caregivers because really we are winging it . Thank God we Have this forum and the kind people who give advice to help others .
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BurntCaregiver Jul 11, 2024
@KNance

My in-laws are Jewish. My MIL put her mother into assisted living and then to memory care. She wasn't going to give up her life to become a 24/7 caregiver to her mother with dementia. So she placed her. It was a Jewish establishment and the best facility I've ever been in. Beautiful and right by the sea.

If my husband and I need to get placed at some point, this is where we're going.

My friend's daughter is currently a care slave to her fiance's mother because he would never put her in a "home". If he didn't have a slave he would.

People make a choice. Either they are willing to become martyrs to the guilt-trips and societal pressure, or they stand up for themselves and live their own lives.

Also, I love how it's such an "honor" to caregive when there's an ocean separating you from the person you're caregiving for.

I'm gonna get very plain here. I cleaned can, changed diapers, and emptied commodes/bed pans for 25 years. I never felt honored. I felt sick a few times and had to excuse myself to go and vomit privately, but it was never an honor.
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I think as a "societal norm" many people feel pressured to provide care for their aging parents for a few reasons.

The first of which is that their parents "took care" of them when they were children, so they feel as if they have a responsibility to care for their parents. (which is not even remotely the same thing).

The second is an expectation that many parents place on their children. Between myself and DH, we have had 4 parents and 3 grandparents reach the age of 70+. My mom and grandmother (98) are still with us. My FIL passed in December 2023. Our loved ones were a "mixed bag". Most either took care of themselves or had a spouse who helped take care of them until they passed. My MIL was planning for a move to ALF when she passed away. (My FIL was stonewalling her and refusing to go).

Out of the rest - my mother is staunch supporter of planning for her future. Now we absolutely plan to take care of her at home if at all possible- but she insists that will only be as long as she is the one taking care of herself.

My grandmother - she a different animal altogether. My mom has been taking care of her for the last 4 years - and my mom feels a level of obligation as an only child to ensure that she is taken care of. And my grandmother is certainly from the generation that believes that residential care is a death sentence (which I guess technically it is - but not in the way she thinks. )

My FIL - phew - my FIL. Well the literal narcissism didn't help. But he 100% believed that it was the duty of his children to take care of him. Period. End of discussion. He had NO other plan. When MIL wanted to plan for their future, he did everything he could to get in the way and make sure they didn't move.

Once MIL passed away - he ramped it up big time. His children OWED him for all he had done for them. (He barely participated in raising them, literally was a second paycheck for his own expenses - MIL could have done it all on her own for all he did) But oh the guilt trip this man - who was not much more than an abusive father - put on his DH and his sister. And for a long time, probably longer than it should have ever been, it worked.

He was able to stay in his home much longer than strictly necessary before we had to put our collective foot down and tell him no more.

So guilt is a powerful motivator as well.
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faithfulbeauty Jul 11, 2024
@BlueEyedGirl94,
I totally agree. It is a societal norm and it does not matter to some if the child who is the caregiver is able or not, as long as they do it. My dad stayed in his home as long as he could and then I had to really work hard to stand my ground and find the best place for him. He is doing well there and I'm almost certain that if he were at home, he would decline very fast. It is amazing to see how many people would rather be the hero and say they took care of their parents while the parent is on a downward spiral physically and mentally. One of the first things I remember when I joined this forum was someone saying, placing your parent in care facility IS caring for your parent. Doing so, does not mean you do not care. It means that you care enough to see that their needs are met when you are unable to do so.
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I think my parents thought the prospect of inheriting their house would incentivize their daughters to step up to the plate to take care of them at home. Medicaid will get most of the proceeds of the house sale. It would have been nice to see an inheritance but we decided freedom was more important at this stage of our lives.

They did not realize we wanted the lives they had. They did not have elders to care for, they all had died by the time my parents were my age. They were unencumbered and traveled. They spent a lot of time with their grandkids. They were able to do what they wanted when they wanted without feeling guilty.

Taking care of two nonagenarians was not the plan.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 11, 2024
@Hothousefower

The Old-Age Insurance Policy.

The senior parents think that if they refuse to do any estate planning to protect their assets that this will guarantee that their children will keep them out of a "home".

It doesn't though. They usually end up getting placed anyway. The only thing that happens is they don't leave behind any inheritance or legacy to their families. These families watch a lifetime of work and assets go up in smoke in a very short amount of time to a care facility.
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The flying monkeys who are telling you to quit your job to take care of Dad

1) never did any caregiving or if they had , it was for a pleasant person,
Or
2) they are also entitled elderly people.

Either way they are clueless .

My SIL gave me grief for placing my difficult mother with dementia . I was also working . Less than a year later SIL placed her own cooperative , docile mother who had Alzheimer’s . SIL was retired and didn’t want to be tied down . 🤔🤔🤔
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BurntCaregiver Jul 11, 2024
@way

Do any of these people who expect a person to give up their jobs to become care slaves ever think about what becomes of them when "massa" dies or gets put in a care facility?

All the ones who guilt-trip and run their super preachy, moral mouths about it NEVER help these people out. Do they come up with money to pay their bills, keep them housed, and provide for them?

Nope.

It's very difficult and often impossible get yourself employed the day after the funeral when you haven't worked for years and years. Even minimum wage jobs aren't going to hire some person who hasn't worked in years.

I get women applying at my agency all the time who haven't worked in years. I don't just dismiss them outright. We talk and I ask questions. Most of them were some kind of family caregiver. The ones who are married usually do pretty well as homemaker/companions because they don't actually have to make a living because their husbands support the household.

I always feel sorry for the ones who are desperate though. I'm honest with them. I let them know plainly that they aren't going to get enough work from me to provide for themselves. It's sad because many of them were long-term family caregivers who became financially dependent on the family member(s) they were caregivers to. Then they pass away and the rest of the family has their hand out waiting for their cut of the inheritance.
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I neglected to mention ( I apologize) that my father is now in care facility. He has been there almost two months but the expectation for me to be his full time caregiver is still there. I say this because I think deep down, he thinks he is going to come home and there are friends and a few family members who thinks he should and try to put ideas in his head but he is in the best place.
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Most people do not believe this except the needy elders themselves.
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Beatty Jul 11, 2024
Agree. I think it is FEAR that drives this thinking:

What will I do if I get old & needy? The 'children' (or other relative) will have to ....

I for one am SICK of it.

But he/she is your Sister/Mother/Father!!! You have to XYZ..

Yes. I know who they are. And I DO care. But I am but ONE person.
I am only human. I also have needs.
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Several great points I agree with, women definitely are depended on and expected to provide caregiving more than men. And there’s a huge misinterpretation of the concept of honoring your parents. It never meant slave. What continually blows my mind is the number of parents who are apparently convinced they’re entitled to their adult children’s lives, no matter the consequences. That level of selfishness and entitlement is foreign to me as my parent’s didn’t behave that way. It makes fully grown adults who shake in their shoes, scared to ever tell their elderly parent “no” It’s just amazing, and sad
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faithfulbeauty Jul 10, 2024
@Daugher1930,
It is definitely mind blowing! I was one of those grown adults who was afraid to say "no" but I have learned to do so. I was conditioned to believe that saying no was wrong.
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I believe society expects WOMEN to take care of aging parents, even when they are older and sickly themselves. It's the typical expectation of women in general for centuries, let's face it. It's rare to see a mother asking her son to change her soiled Depends or give her a shower.
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Beatty Jul 11, 2024
Yep. My BIL said 'family helps family'.
I said 'YOU are family. Yes?'.
Blank look. "But I'm a not.. I mean, I'm a man."
🤬
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Don’t give up your pets and your job and your private life. That’s your family. That is enough. You don’t have to justify. I wish I would have never moved closer. I should have stayed 1000 miles away. It would be difficult but clearer. If someone else wants to, good for them. Sorry, I’m not able to do more than whatever you are okay with. Tell social worker, hospice, doctor and parent that is it. You are not obligated to do more. They can hire help, ask others, figure it out, or go into care homes. Which you still have to oversee, best I can determine, so you are still not free.
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faithfulbeauty Jul 10, 2024
@Beethoven,
He is in a care home now. He went recently but I think he still believes it is temporary. You are right, I still have to oversee. I'm handling bills and etc. As you stated, my pets, job and private life are my family. It's ME.
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I find that most of these naysayers and busy bodies don't have anyone that they are responsible for taking care of twenty-four seven and driving you insane. What I've found out is that the majority of old people are not nice. I know the last three cases I had were with very difficult and demanding individuals. The current one I have is a client who is a compulsive cleaner to the point it is becoming very annoying. He expects me to clean like him every day. No sir, I don't dust walls.

Please do not give up your job or life for your parents. You can plug them into resources, but that is the best you can do. As they get older, they will need a higher level of care.
Aging Care is loaded with a ton of resources for starters. Get in contact with the Department of Aging in your city or state.

I was the family dumping ground for my mom and younger sister. I also worked as a CNA and Home Health Aide on and off since 1986.
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Society has done it, until I joined this forum honestly, I didn't think there was any other way, and I thought I was the worst person in the world for even complaining about it.

No one told me I didn't have to. When I complained to a friend, she said, well your just going to have to suck it up!! Another friend I was venting to told me I should take Mom out for lunch more often.

I'm rural, farm country, may make a difference. I don't know.
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JoAnn29 Jul 11, 2024
Yes, I do think living in the country makes a difference.
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If you have a supportive and functional family where everyone is able and willing to help, that’s great. That’s not my situation or probably yours. People pass judgment. It’s not right or fair. Don’t let them influence you. I’m doing the same. My elderly parents have resources. I’m using their money for their care. Still, it’s coming at a cost for me. Peace of mind, freedom, worry and supervision. Others have it worse. It should be different. Best I can see, it’s not. No real support unless you die or they are destitute. No one prepared me for this. Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Place them or hire care as their finances can afford. Step away. Good enough is good enough. I’m doing it now. It’s not comfortable or easy. I’m biding my time . My parents are in the 90’s. One is severely disabled. Don’t let anyone guilt you into taking on more than you want. If we dropped dead, somehow they would go on.
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Hothouseflower Jul 11, 2024
Same situation with me with 95 yo parents. We just bided our time. ER admittance for a health crisis, subsequent hospitalization and rehab and then placement into a SNF. Applications for Medicaid.

We replaced one set of problems with new ones but this is what is best for the whole family not just two family members.
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I don’t believe that children should take care of their parents at all costs. I do believe that parents owe it to their families to plan ahead and finance their own care, They should sacrifice to do it if they must.

Skip summers at the beach. Skip luxury cars. Create a fund for their care when they need it. Their sacrificing would prevent their children from having to sacrifice for the parents’ care. There is something seriously wrong with that idea in my observation.
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I guess people twist the meaning of honoring our parent. Instead of respect, many become their slaves whether they deserve it or not. Too many people feel that nursing homes are low quality. They feel that someone should stand next to them and respond to demands at the snap of fingers. It is too exhausting to be on hand every living minute
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faithfulbeauty Jul 10, 2024
@MACinCT, I agree!!!
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We have always had those kinds of posts about dysfunctional families. In my opinion the reason they come up so often is that those are the people who are struggling and reach out for help, people who have their sh!t together are less likely to need support or are more apt to look for advice on practical caregiving issues.
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faithfulbeauty Jul 10, 2024
@cwillie,
Very true because I know I have ( and still do) struggle.
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