What is your opinion on being at someone’s side as they are approaching the end of their life? Is this important to you?

4 yrs ago my dad was inpatient hospice after getting mrsa endocarditis - he hadnt eaten in 2 weeks and was on iv fluids - he had terminal agitation before hospice started and once it started, he was asleep - i went to see him everyday and on the last day i cried while i held his hand and then left the hospital since my brother was sick at home and my mom needed me as well - as soon as i got home, the phone rang that he died - he must have died when i left the hospital - sometimes they say they want to die alone.......with my mom, the last 5 months she took a turn and it was 24/7 caregiving day and night - last few weeks of feb 2023, i slept in same room as her in the bed next to her....on march 6 at 2am, i woke up to pee and i looked over at her and she was peacefully sleeping.....i fell asleep and woke up again at 3am and something felt off to me and i turned on the light and she was gone....i sat with her body for a few hours until the undertaker took her away - i was heartbroken and just held her the entire time after she died - both deaths in the end were peaceful but what preceded the deaths was suffering.....im in deep grief now for my mom - she was my world but i think she went out of this world like she wanted to - in her own bed and in her sleep with me in the bed next to her....when i go back to her home now and enter her bedroom, i breakdown everytime.....

Today, I said goodbye to my children’s grandmother. She was like a mother to me for these last 40 years.

She’s 92. She began transitioning to death yesterday, after being on hospice and bedridden for a few months.

Her breathing was irregular today. She’s medicated for pain, and very calm.

The atmosphere today wasn’t scary at all. I said a lot of things to her that I wanted to say. Then, I read psalm 91 to her. After, I prayed with her daughter and thanked God for the life of this precious woman.

I felt privileged to be there today, and was glad that I had that time with her.

In at least 2 family situations, dear loving caring mothers literally arranged for their children (happened to be daughters) to be out of their rooms before they departed from life.

My own mother was unconscious and passed at about 1 am.

NeedHelpWithMom, I don’t know whether your opinion is right or wrong, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY share it.

About 10 years ago my good friend asked me to sit with her aunt for awhile in a nursing home . She was on hospice and was dying on New Year’s Eve . I knew the aunt , she had lived with my friend for a few years . My friends husband was in the hospital in serious condition , she wanted to be with him . So I sat with the aunt . She was not conscious at all , hospice was there . I left just after midnight and went home. She died a hour or two later .That was strange , although I knew the aunt , we were really only acquaintances. Because she most of the time liked to stay in her own room , especially if my husband and I came over to their house or even if I went by myself , she would go to her room . My friend said her aunt never wanted to feel like she was in the way . She was very aware , tried to give my friends privacy in their own home , like she wasn’t there .

If they are aware their time is near, might it be appropriate to ask them if they want you with them when they pass? Likely the answer will be to do whatever you are comfortable with, and I would press for an answer, so they know you really care about their final wishes.

I fully concur with this answer. It is, as it should be, a completely personal decision, for which no one should ever be judged or asked to explain!

My dad died five years ago right about now and for a long time felt guilt for not being at this side when he died.

What irked me was the nurse called me at 10:00 PM on a Monday evening said he started going downhill at seven then just died at ten

Once there, I asked her wny she did not call me at seven if he started going downhill fast then? All she said I am sorry, its my fault.

What can you say to that? She took responsibility but that did not change what happened.

My dad had ALZ and very likely know if people were there or not, though I hear different things. Also hear some people intentionally die when no one is there, though I dont know if I buy that

NHWM, I've often said that once my mom went into care (AL, IL nh) I always was conscious that my goodbye might be the last.

I was brought up with the Catholic dictum "you know not the day nor the hour" and thus always try to be prepared for the end, mine and those of the ones I love.

I happened to be at my mom's deathbed. I didn't plan that and wasn't particularly happy to be there. My SIL is much better at this stuff snd guided me through.

No one should be shamed for not being "there". My brother purposefully "needed" to go grocery shopping an hour before mom died. We all understood.

As a nurse I saw many people die in hospital and nursing home. Most of them died after the family left . I came to the conclusion that somehow they knew, and did not want their family to witness. Especially their own adult children. Spouses I thought it went 50/50.

I was uncomfortable sitting with my Mom at my father’s bedside . I took her home. Then I returned at sat with my Dad , just the two of us for a couple of hours , I said some things I wanted to say in private to him, and I left , it was midnight . As soon as I got to work the next morning my phone rang and I knew .

My Mom was found passed away in her chair in her room in AL when she didn’t show up for dinner . Probably heart attack . I hope she was napping when it happened .

I think it's important but it's been known the dying like to die when everyone leaves. Hospice nurses will say that. Give yourself your grace to leave them alone

Personally, I think death-bed vigils are wildly overrated.

It took my mom 4 days to transition from actively dying to death. I stayed with her pretty much the entire time. And I'm just going to say it, and my apologies if I offend anyone here: but most of that time I was bored out of my mind, just sitting there basically thinking "ok, can we just get on with this already?" Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don't know, but that's my truth.

And for the last 2 of the 4 days my mother was completely unresponsive; the first 2 of the days she was 'in and out" during which time she was having some really in-depth, unintelligible conversations with someone none of us could see (I'm guessing my dad, who passed in 1982), so I don't believe she was ever really "alone".

Watching my mom pass also has led me to believe that in some cases - and I think my mom was one of these - a person's soul (spirit, life force, etc., whichever term you prefer to use) actually leaves the body before the body's life functions totally cease. I think for those last 2 days, my mom was gone - her spirit, the essence that made her who and what she was - and the shell that was her body just wasn't completely ready to stop its functioning. Like when a clock winds down and doesn't have enough battery power left to move the hands around to tell time, but you can still hear the ticking.

I would never judge someone for the decision either way; but I can absolutely understand if its your personal preference to not sit end-of-life vigil.

Msblcb,

I read your response to Sendhelp. It’s lovely to see that you had a revelation through Sendhelp’s words.

Sendhelp’s words did send a powerful message that I hope others will read and gain insight from as you did.

I wish you peace and healing as you continue to grieve the loss of your mom.

Not important. I’m pretty sure I’d want to be alone at that moment. It seems like a very private moment for anyone.

As a person dies, their muscles go slack. They lose control of bladder and bowels. They might make noises.

That’s not particularly how I wish to be remembered by family and friends. If it’s in a hospital with someone I don’t know, that’s different. They’re paid to ease people from this
life to the next, and they see it often.

A doctor commented to me when I was distressed about a patient who died totally alone, no one finding his body until weeks later.

The doctor said that people should die like they have lived. If they were like hermits, wanting to be alone, then dying alone was how they lived.

You are right, NHWM, it is an extremely personal decision.

I think your question/discussion is a good one, no matter if it appears under questions or under discussions.

Back to my topic!

I was at my brother’s bedside as he was dying. He died the second I walked out of the room. The hospice nurse called me when I was backing out of the parking lot and told me that he was gone.

I do not feel badly about not being there for the exact moment of his death. I wouldn’t have wanted to see him die.

I was not there when each of my parents died either. I visited regularly. They certainly knew that I loved them. No one should feel bad if they weren’t present when a person dies.

It was extremely important for my older brother to be present when my mom died and he was. My younger brother couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to see my mom take her last breath. We are all different.

Administration,

I posted this in questions. Why was it moved to discussion by administrators? Why was I kicked off the site after I posted this?

This is exactly what happened. Don’t know if my information will be helpful or not but I want to explain what happened when I posted this.

I was logged in and went to questions, posted a question. Immediately afterwards, I see where I am logged out and it appears that the question wasn’t posted.

Then, as before the question pops up past the editing period and I am unable to post to edit or respond to my post.

What’s up? It’s frustrating and annoying to see this pattern occurring. It has happened several times now.

Can you please explain why this is happening and more importantly can you please resolve the technical issues on this forum.

Thanks!