What is your opinion on being at someone’s side as they are approaching the end of their life? Is this important to you?

Not important. I’m pretty sure I’d want to be alone at that moment. It seems like a very private moment for anyone.

As a person dies, their muscles go slack. They lose control of bladder and bowels. They might make noises.

That’s not particularly how I wish to be remembered by family and friends. If it’s in a hospital with someone I don’t know, that’s different. They’re paid to ease people from this
life to the next, and they see it often.

NHWM, I've often said that once my mom went into care (AL, IL nh) I always was conscious that my goodbye might be the last.

I was brought up with the Catholic dictum "you know not the day nor the hour" and thus always try to be prepared for the end, mine and those of the ones I love.

I happened to be at my mom's deathbed. I didn't plan that and wasn't particularly happy to be there. My SIL is much better at this stuff snd guided me through.

No one should be shamed for not being "there". My brother purposefully "needed" to go grocery shopping an hour before mom died. We all understood.

Today, I said goodbye to my children’s grandmother. She was like a mother to me for these last 40 years.

She’s 92. She began transitioning to death yesterday, after being on hospice and bedridden for a few months.

Her breathing was irregular today. She’s medicated for pain, and very calm.

The atmosphere today wasn’t scary at all. I said a lot of things to her that I wanted to say. Then, I read psalm 91 to her. After, I prayed with her daughter and thanked God for the life of this precious woman.

I felt privileged to be there today, and was glad that I had that time with her.

Administration,

I posted this in questions. Why was it moved to discussion by administrators? Why was I kicked off the site after I posted this?

This is exactly what happened. Don’t know if my information will be helpful or not but I want to explain what happened when I posted this.

I was logged in and went to questions, posted a question. Immediately afterwards, I see where I am logged out and it appears that the question wasn’t posted.

Then, as before the question pops up past the editing period and I am unable to post to edit or respond to my post.

What’s up? It’s frustrating and annoying to see this pattern occurring. It has happened several times now.

Can you please explain why this is happening and more importantly can you please resolve the technical issues on this forum.

Thanks!

Personally, I think death-bed vigils are wildly overrated.

It took my mom 4 days to transition from actively dying to death. I stayed with her pretty much the entire time. And I'm just going to say it, and my apologies if I offend anyone here: but most of that time I was bored out of my mind, just sitting there basically thinking "ok, can we just get on with this already?" Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don't know, but that's my truth.

And for the last 2 of the 4 days my mother was completely unresponsive; the first 2 of the days she was 'in and out" during which time she was having some really in-depth, unintelligible conversations with someone none of us could see (I'm guessing my dad, who passed in 1982), so I don't believe she was ever really "alone".

Watching my mom pass also has led me to believe that in some cases - and I think my mom was one of these - a person's soul (spirit, life force, etc., whichever term you prefer to use) actually leaves the body before the body's life functions totally cease. I think for those last 2 days, my mom was gone - her spirit, the essence that made her who and what she was - and the shell that was her body just wasn't completely ready to stop its functioning. Like when a clock winds down and doesn't have enough battery power left to move the hands around to tell time, but you can still hear the ticking.

I would never judge someone for the decision either way; but I can absolutely understand if its your personal preference to not sit end-of-life vigil.

I think it's important but it's been known the dying like to die when everyone leaves. Hospice nurses will say that. Give yourself your grace to leave them alone

A doctor commented to me when I was distressed about a patient who died totally alone, no one finding his body until weeks later.

The doctor said that people should die like they have lived. If they were like hermits, wanting to be alone, then dying alone was how they lived.

You are right, NHWM, it is an extremely personal decision.

I think your question/discussion is a good one, no matter if it appears under questions or under discussions.

As a nurse I saw many people die in hospital and nursing home. Most of them died after the family left . I came to the conclusion that somehow they knew, and did not want their family to witness. Especially their own adult children. Spouses I thought it went 50/50.

I was uncomfortable sitting with my Mom at my father’s bedside . I took her home. Then I returned at sat with my Dad , just the two of us for a couple of hours , I said some things I wanted to say in private to him, and I left , it was midnight . As soon as I got to work the next morning my phone rang and I knew .

My Mom was found passed away in her chair in her room in AL when she didn’t show up for dinner . Probably heart attack . I hope she was napping when it happened .

I fully concur with this answer. It is, as it should be, a completely personal decision, for which no one should ever be judged or asked to explain!

If they are aware their time is near, might it be appropriate to ask them if they want you with them when they pass? Likely the answer will be to do whatever you are comfortable with, and I would press for an answer, so they know you really care about their final wishes.