I am a 35 year old mother of a 1 year old daughter who lives with my husband in Texas. We recently moved my mother in because she had nowhere to go. She had a double mastectomy's in 2022 no chemo no radiation and started declining in health shortly after. We are sure depression has something to do with the decline but she is since been on meds. She's a long time diabetic due to pancreas not functioning, very underweight, and does not ambulate well (uses a walker and falls 1-2 times a week). She is a very stubborn mean woman and has always been avoidant of doctors and never quit eating sugar after diabetes diagnosis. She has been in and out of the hospital the past year for various issues including sepsis, bone infection due to bed sores, mostly for her sugars being off then she can't walk. She has been stuck in a cycle of hospital for emergency then rehab. Once rehab gets her able to ambulate she is dismissed to home where she does not take care of her insulin needs, other needs then declines follow up visits. She was tested 6 months ago and does not have cancer or dementia/Alzheimer's. The only diagnosis she gets is that she needs to eat more. We tried to get her help during the past year but she refused and did not let us help. APS or Lawyers could not intervene because she is considered competent. Her husband has divorced her because he cannot watch her not take care of herself and she didn't represent herself during the divorce so all she gets is half the sale of the house when it sells roughly 50-60k. She has no retirement savings or any assets. She is only 64 so does not qualify for medicare. She hasn't worked in 20 years so she does not qualify for disability money. She gets around 900 a month. She also does not participate at the doctors visits or want to go to them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I know I can't force someone to take care of themselves but I am also struggling turning my back on her because I truly don't know where she would go. I have been helping her with her insulin which keeps her somewhat level and eating. I am having trouble drawing the line where I do and do not intervene. We also have no idea when the house will sell so we are trying to pay for everything until she can use her money and spend it down on care until Medicaid can take over. I am just at a loss at what my responsibilities are and how to balance that she isn't interested in getting better or figuring out what is wrong.
I have to tell you I am 91, almost 92, and she does not recognize what I do or how difficult it is for me. She is a hoarder, turned my house into a place to sleep. It is no longer a home. I am telling you this because you have to extract yourself from this situation. Your life is just beginning and you need to live it. Mine is almost over and I will need to deal with the legal and medical issues. I have two other children who have no interest in helping so I am it. Save yourself and your family, and bless you for caring enough to try to help, but enough is enough.
Once there talk to doctor about a psych hold. Tell doc what has been going on . They can hold Mom at a psych unit and try to get her on some meds and counseling.
Do not take her home anymore either , let her become a ward of the state and let them place her in a facility . If you have POA , once Mom is out of your house go to a lawyer to formally give up POA .
This is so common on this forum: conscientious, caring adult children or grandchildren basically upending their own lives to take care of mean, thoughtless and presumably abusive parents or grandparents. Your marriage and your precious little child are more important than this woman who seems unwilling to make a positive contribution to her own situation. (And seems to be mentally competent and not suffering from a condition causing cognitive impairment.)
Thinking of you and hoping that you can get your little one away from a mean person.
As I would tell my kids , please enjoy your life and don't let your mom do this to you and your family. This is your time!
I am a young 64 year old with no health issues and it saddens me for you to have a mother that doesn't care about herself.
The way you describe her you would think that she was 94 instead of 64.
You won't be able to change your mother but you can change the way you react to her and the choices she makes.
I would start with the next time she ends up in rehab, you let the rehab social worker know that you no longer can care for your mother in your home as she is an unsafe discharge, and that she will need to be placed in the appropriate facility. And yes, she'll have to apply for Medicaid to be able to pay for it.
Her care is now more than you and your husband should have to deal with.
You, your husband and your marriage deserve SO much better, and it so very unhealthy for you, your husband, and your marriage to continue to let her live with you.
I hope you'll be strong enough to get your mother out of your home and into a facility where she will receive the care she requires, as you sure don't want her living with you for the next 30+ years now do you?
Perhaps what you need to do is to find ‘somewhere else’ for her to go, take her there and drop her off. If she goes to a shelter, they will probably take over sorting her out. Do it ASAP, before the ‘recent move in’ turns into her establishing a right to live with you. If her diet refusals mean she goes into hospital again, remove her belongings and refuse to take her back into your house.
This is going to require real firmness with the hospital/rehab social workers. You will have to blame her ‘impossible behaviors’, refusal of medical care, the stress to you, and the ‘damage to your marriage and child’. As soon as she is gone, remove the bed she slept in and set up the room for a different function. Be firm. Forget FOG (fear obligation and guilt). If you don't, you can see the next 20 or 30 years stretching in front of you, so make up your mind and don't change it.
I wouldn't know what to do, but as I have read some say, next time she falls call an ambulance. I think your only shot is to first get her out of your home and then try and get help through the hospital. Insist that you cannot take her home. I really hope you figure away through this.
$900 is enough for a studio somewhere (Texas is a big place, if she has to live in the middle of nowhere, that’s just too bad for her).
Once she legally resides there it’ll be much harder to get rid of her.
This is not something you should involve yourself with any further.
This type of elder is like a cockroach. Much easier to prevent the infestation that removing it.