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My mother is absolutely unbearable. We have saved her tens of thousands of dollars on home repairs and lawn mowing but she is relentless. She says whatever she’s wants, has a gambling problem and refuses to spend anything on what she really needs. She was abusive to me as a child and has been abusive to my grandmother until she passed. My grandmother looked over this behavior but I’ve had it.


I'm an only child and she says “all of this will be yours one day” implying that I should do all this for nothing and put up with her BS. She favors my son and talks horribly about my daughter although my son doesn’t lift a finger to help her.


She’s been told several times by her attorney that she shouldn't keep so much money in her checking but she won’t listen. She’s forgetful and has misplaced her debit card before. The checking account money is not included in her trust and she will not add any for fear that I will control more of her money - which I probably should. My guess is that she intends to gift it to my son. I am livid. Any suggestions?

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You describe your mother as abusive for your entire life. I think that she will be very unlikely to change now, don't you?
So that leaves you one person here who can be saved in this equation. That is you. And unfortunately only you can save yourself.
Do consider professional help to comb through ways to set serious boundaries Your mother has money, apparently, which she sees as some sort of weapon to use against people. Far better she uses this money to care for herself, and to hire people who will consider her abuse something they might accept for real financial remuneration.
My suggestion would be to back away from this woman and to learn to exit the cycle of abuse so that it is not passed on. Let your Mother "gift" her money to whomever she pleases, wish her well, and leave her alone.
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loriander2 Dec 2021
Thank you - great advice.
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I grew up watching an aunt, uncle and their kids (my cousins) kowtow to a mentally ill abusive grandmother because she was "going to leave them money and property".

She died broke.

I learned a valuable lesson.

Don't take $hit from anyone for any reason.
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Beatty Dec 2021
Or they leave it all to the next spouse..

Heard that one too. Adult child moved in to look after poor old widower father, cook, maid, cleaner, until he remarries. New spouse says out you get & new will signed.
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Well, sometimes you just have to let a stubborn parent do their own thang. Don't interfere with your mother's gambling problem and her cheap-skate ways, either. Stop doing for her; stop helping her with yardwork and trying to save her money. This means you're making her responsible for her own life. She wants to 'save money' by having YOU do her yardwork so she can 'blow money' at the casino? Yeah, I don't think so.

Mom wants to shower your son with love & money or whatever while treating your daughter like a second class citizen? That's exactly what my mother does with my 2 children, by the way. It makes me L I V I D. So she winds up reaping what she sows. My daughter is the loving and giving one between them, but doesn't have much time for her grandmother now b/c she's been treated like dirt for her 28 years of life. My son, the golden child, has NO time for his grandmother, yet she thinks he farts fairy dust. Who cares, really? Those relationships are between THEM and not us. I refuse to intervene! If my mother complains about my children, I'll tell her to take it up with THEM. I will not ruin my relationship with THEM on HER behalf. She's done that herself!

What's left of your mother's 'fortune' will be yours one day or it won't. Who cares? That sort of promise is empty anyway. Who wants to do things for someone today based on what may come our way later on?? It's not worth it! Step back from your mother's insults and nasty behavior and live your own life, letting her live her own life. When she loses her debit card again, tell her to call the bank!

Don't make it your duty to take care of your mother's problems in life. You have enough of your own. She'll get very old one day or fall and get hurt, and THEN you'll have no other choice but to take over. Right now, she's of sound mind and body so leave her to her own devices. That's my suggestion.

Wishing you good luck letting go a bit.
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loriander2 Dec 2021
We have a lot in common. I believe I need to read your advice at least once a day to remind myself to stop being a doormat. This brainwashing is generational and I may never be completely deprogrammed but I’m trying. Thank you so much.
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Stop the pattern.

Stop doing things for her.

Let her hire for her needs (especially yard work, & maintenece).

What happens when you say no to her?
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loriander2 Dec 2021
She guilts me and then becomes abusive. She becomes angry when I don’t visit although I have a full time job and I’m not a spring chicken myself.
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I was the oldest of 4 and a girl. My sister was 4 yrs younger and literally did nothing. After holiday dinners my Aunt and I would clean up the kitchen for Mom and my sister would just sit in the livingroom. Never did understand why my Mom never told her to get up off her a _ _ s and help. But my sister had a personality where everyone seemed to walk on eggshells, So, I was the good child always trying to please.

I have surprised myself over the years. I do not like confrontation. Hard time having a good comeback. But, I have set boundries and I distance myself from toxic people. My Mom was easy to get along with but I was still working when she stopped driving. So, we took one day a week and ran errands and shopped for food. She went out with us once a week for dinner. I overwhelm easily if too much is coming at me at once. So, I set my own pace.

Read the book Boundries by Townsend and cloud. My daughter liked the part where they said "You are not responsible for the reaction you get when you tell someone "NO". No is a one word sentence. You don't need to explain yourself. So Mom gets mad, she'll get glad again. And if she doesn't talk to you, be glad.

I never needed to support my Mother. If her house had gotten to much for her, it would have needed to be sold and her going to a nice apt. But, she seemed to get the bills paid, lawn mowed and maintence done. If she was spending money on gambling, I definitely would not have given her a penny. My MIL always complained about what she received monthly but she continued to by figurines from magazines, Readers digest books, VCR tapes, Cassettes and CDs. Magazine subscriptions where u pick 5 magazines and pay $20 a month. She had a small closet filled up to the shelf with old magazines. My DH bundled them 20 to a bundle and placed them in the garage. They took up a parking space. When we cleaned out, she had unopened VCR and cassette tapes. By this time we had DVDs and CDs. She had unopened CDs but we got something for them but not what she put out. Those figurines probably sold at a fraction of what she paid, like $40 each. She told my DH she needed a new pump and it was going to cost $1,000. My DH was generous with his Mom before he married, but he did not offer to pay it. When she passed it was found she had 37,000 dollars in CDs. Not rich but not poor.

Stop helping her. She needs to use her own money. I would not count on you inheriting anything unless you see it in writing. Even then, Wills can be changed. And her money maybe needed for her care. I hate the words obligated and owed. Honor your Mother and father does not mean you are obligated or owe them anything. Its also said that a son leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife. I think your "obligation" would be to just make sure she is safe and cared for. If that means someone else doing the caring, so be it. Doesn't need to be you. So time to tell Mom to hire someone to do the lawn. No more money for repairs on her house. If she can't keep it up, she needs to sell and find an affordable place.
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Yeah. Stop doing her yard work and house crap, especially as she's competent to get people. If your children are still minors, don't take them over until it's their decision to make, and then be neutral either way.
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So why are you involved? She’s not a person you want to be around. Any future inheritance isn’t worth the grief you’re putting up with. Has what you call “forgetful” been evaluated by her doctor? If you feel it’s time to take over her finances this is a needed step. You can use her money to hire helpers and get yourself out of the line of fire. But overall, don’t believe you have to take abuse and insults, mom isn’t changing, but you can
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loriander2 Dec 2021
I suppose I felt that I should help. But then she states that it will all be mine someday so I’m technically helping myself lol. That way, she gets free labor and I’m avoiding more work later. At least that’s how she sees it. I told her that she might outlive me! I also feel guilty for charging family.
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Time to stop helping out and being her free helpers. Let her hire someone. Tell her you won't be doing it anymore and you could even give her the name of someone that could do it for her.

Spend less time with her. Spend less time thinking about her. Forget about what money she might have now or later, as far as inheriting goes.

Look up tips on how to set boundaries. And start reclaiming your life.
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You quit doing for her and quit being her whipping post. People can only abuse you if you allow them to, so quit allowing her to and get on with living and enjoying your life. And please quit allowing her to bad mouth your daughter. It's time you stuck up for her instead or she will end up holding that against you.
Someone has to stop the dysfunction in this family.....why not you?
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loriander2 Dec 2021
I defend my daughter - that’s why she gets mad at me. It seems to come in waves, she’s fine for about a month then gets hateful again. She doesn’t like girls and never did. She treated her niece similarly and even called my daughter by her name. Said she’s spoiled just like her. I suspect my mother is jealous of the time I spend with my daughter. Which also explains why she favors my son - we’re not that close. Also, my daughter isn’t aware of this or she would never talk to her again.
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My mom told me that for years this is going to be yours one day until she ran it all into the ground. Has been jealous of me all my life and very greedy an Indian giver be careful.. My mom Became broke a drug addict and hoarder destroyed her house and my grandparents and gave all her money away to drug addicts. She was in fear I was going to get it all she’s hanging on to life because she wanted to destroy me and has . I paid to clean and fix my grandparents and her house when it got condemned and she was left homeless. I paid her rent of 4000 dollars for a nice AFH . I spent every dime I had fixing her two homes and paid all the bills and taxes and in the end never got paid back I lost everything I had plus my sanity and my clean record slapped with elder abuse because I Borrowed from the POA account for my pay as POA because it said I could in the trust but her dam attorney refused me of pay and refused to give any of my thousand lbs and thousands of life savings back faithgtin court several times he got paid 175 thousand dollars but he refused me if getting my money back so I had to barrow it back then had to pay it back and to eat and pay my husband’s cancer bills I never got paid back for any of my money my life savings my husbands inheritance I’ve had to fight in court her attorney co trustee now trustee and now POA as if court today,, now I am homeless and spent my life savings and probably going to jail. Halve a record after being record free all my life My mom ruined me broke me killed me stomped all over me. Just so she could be happy I saved her from being homeless on the streets paid for her bills and two houses to be fixed and cleaned quit my job now I’m going to be homeless with no money . There is no God be careful who you do things for because doing good deeds for someone anymore you get screwed in the end there is no good deed that goes unpunished as they say.. you do get punished for doing good deeds I’m living proof you can lose everything over greed and money and my moms the greediest Indian giver there is I want to put a hex on my mom for what she’s doing to me and her attorney too so be careful who you help . Sometimes it better just to walk away .
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