I just got home from a 5 day vacation that I did not bring my mother on. She was fine when I got home and then I took a nap. After waking I started looking at facebook on my phone and she immediately asked if I was looking at social media, that I needed to stop, that its harmful, etc. I just continued looking at it and she went to the bathroom then came back and literally started sobbing about some stuff to do with my brother, none of which are new and she has already cried about multiple times before. Again, I dont really say anything because there's not really anything left to say about it and she makes a couple of smart remarks about me being quiet.
A bit later we are in the car and she starts talking about some of the grandkids saying that my sister alienated them from my mom a long time ago. All things she has discussed before. I don't say anything and pull up to the grocery store, as I'm getting out of the car she makes some sort of comment about me 'counseling' her and I ask what she's talking about and she says I wasn't saying anything again. So I say I just got back from vacation, I'm tired and I dont want to jump back into talking about all the same crap again. And there's nothing new to say about any of it, all history.
So she's been pissy for the rest of the evening. Any advice on how to avoid this in the future or what to say to her?
What saved my sanity was finally having caregivers take her out to the stores walking a few hours day. I could only afford to pay someone 3-4 days a week, the other days I or my brother took her out. If I could afford to pay for everyday I would have. Being out walking entertained her, and tired her out, so she came home ready for a nap. That helped A LOT.
At first, my mom didn't want to go with the caregivers, so I had to come along the first several times, then eventually, she got used to them.
I am wondering if you could find someone to entertain your mom so you could take a break from her. Do you think your younger aunt or uncle would be interested if you/your mom paid them? (For some reason, I vaguely remember suggesting this to you before. If so, I apologize for repeating.)
Imo , it would be best if your mother was in AL or MC.
What psych meds (specifically, antidepressants and antianxiety agents) did for my mom was to keep her calm and happy, not "drugged" or quiet.
Before she was on meds (if I recalle correctly, it was Lexapro, Remeron and a tiny dose of Klonopin) my mother fretted and worried excessively about the taxes she thought she hadn't paid in 1937, her gay great nephew and and how she was getting to her next cardiology appointment. I thought of her incessant worries about these things as "wearing a groove in her brain" that simply begat more rumination. She was in a nursing home I didn't have to listen to her rumination, so it didn't bother ME but I didn't think it was good for HER to be engaged with things that were of no consequence to her life.
On meds, she was more engaged with staff, family and other residents--she was simply more HER.
I think it behooves you to discuss her rumination with her doc. There are meds that target that specifically.
Your mother is draining you of all of your energy. You will have to decide if it has gotten to the point where you no longer wish to be her hands on caregiver.
It becomes exhausting facing the same scenario day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month and year after year. I speak from experience.
I was in your shoes as a full time caregiver. I can’t say that I am glad that I did it. I’m not in any way glad that I allowed it to go on for so long.
I loved my mom but when the situation becomes unbearable we have to make other arrangements for care. They will receive the care that they need and we will be free from the responsibility of being their caregiver.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Given your very thorough responses below I think that you are, given the fact you and Mom live together, and she has for some five years now suffered from dementia, likely going as well as you can.
That makes me think that your telling us of these few particular incidents out of your daily lives (above) is more "venting" than anything else. And goodness knows, we who have every had anything to do with caretaking NEED TO DO once in a while.
So Mom has dementia, and you have, and will have these moments. They honestly sounds not a lot worse than moments any of us might have with a roommate, a live in teen, a hubby on our nerves, etc. It is a part of living together.
When it becomes too much, IF it becomes too much, then you will have to decide how long you wish to do live in 24/7 caregiving. There may be a time you want to get on with your own life on your own terms. And that time will be when you have to sit down with Mom and have the hard talk about placement options for her.
Meanwhile I wish you the very best. It sounds to me as though you are currently doing the best you can; with dementia in the mix that has to be enough sometimes. You take care of yourself.
Is she due for a follow-up soon? It sounds like her rumination is getting worse? Is the geripsych aware of this?
Most folks with dementia have wonderful long term memory.
Short term and the ability to plan, prioritize and filter are what is shot.
Speaking from experience with my own parents who were miserable with grandma living thete because she did a,b,c they thought she should be doing l,m,n. And vice versa.
- I am tired.
- I don't want to talk about that right now.
- Let's discuss that issue later.
- You have told me about that many times. I understand it upsets you. Maybe you can talk to someone else about it? But talking to me about it again is not solving anything.
Basically, people have the right to speak their mind.
You have the right to choose to listen - or choose not to.
- I don't want to talk about that right now.
- Let's discuss that issue later.
- You have told me about that many times. I understand it upsets you. Maybe you can talk to someone else about it? But talking to me about it again is not solving anything."
i bet you 1,000,000,000,000,000% OP has done all of that many times.
people like OP's mother will NOT stop.
they'll try again, to talk about some other negative thing, over and over. you can walk off into another room, and they'll speak louder, blurting out more negative stuff. you can try saying something, they'll talk over you.
it does NOT end.
if it were that simple, OP would have done that already. i think some people here, haven't experienced being with someone who's constantly negative, complaining. you try to bring up something positive, they'll change the topic back to something negative.
ignoring, being silent, is NOT an act of aggression. sometimes, it's absolutely the right thing to do - morally, and in every other aspect. it all depends on the specific situation.
sometimes talking IS an act of aggression. see? it all depends.
-----
EN:
as you know, your mother will NEVER change. she was probably negative her whole life. she could have also chosen to be very happy for you, for your vacation, and ask lots of questions about your vacation. instead (totally predictable), she wanted to talk right away - again - about all the negative things, thereby also destroying your holiday mood.
since your mother will never change, there's not much you can do. the only thing left is less contact, or no contact. i think you'll choose less contact. keep in mind, that so long as your mother is alive, she'll keep bugging you with negativity.
your mother (dementia) obviously has a pretty good memory, since she can perfectly well recall all the stuff she's unhappy about. (there are many degrees of dementia, so it's no wonder her memory is still good.)
negative people WANT to dump their negativity on someone. usually the daughter is the target of that dump.
since you live together, and she won't let you have quiet time (that's not by chance. that's because she wants to keep dumping negativity on you, especially if you're trying to have quiet time. she wants to sabotage your quiet time)...the only way, if you continue living together, is to wear ear plugs ("mother, i just discovered i have an ear infection. i need to wear ear plugs for a few days.")...or headphones with music...or headphones for work ("mother, sorry i'm listening to a work call")...
or "mother, we already went over this topic. there's nothing that can be done. you need to accept the situation. let's talk about all the things that ARE in our control. let's go have a fun walk together right now. let's talk about some positive things."
-----this won't work, because she'll continue to dump her negativity. but you can respond anyway with that paragraph, again and again.
When my mother tries to bring up the family drama, I tell her I am unable to do anything about it. If she starts crying about it I get up and leave the room.
If she lectures about the evils of social media, tell her you are a grown woman and can do what you want.
Either your mother must live elsewhere or you need to learn to cope better.
Try to do something nice for yourself every day as a reward for getting through the day with her.,
yes!!
OP, i hope despite it all, you can hold on to that nice holiday feeling, and the nice holiday memories!! sometimes we get back home, and then we've already forgotten the whole holiday.
look at the pics, remember and enjoy the holiday mood :).
Let her have an attitude. It is her problem. Don't let her get under your skin and have you jumping through emotional hoops. She was looking to get a rise out of you, and it didn't work. Discussing the same junk over and over again is tiring and it solves nothing.
Sounds like your mom would benefit from a senior daycare group or a hobby to get her mind on something else besides drama.
As far as your mom’s behavior goes. If it was this way before you left for vacation, then you can’t expect it to be any different now.
There are people who seem to live in the past, whether they have dementia or not. They either aren’t interested living in the present or they don’t know how to move forward.
Has your mom ever been prescribed medication to help her cope?
It’s incredibly difficult to listen to the same stories over and over and over again. Sometimes, ignoring them helps and other times they will attack you because they are being being ignored. It’s a no win situation.
There isn’t anything that you can do or say to change their minds about what they perceive as the cause of their lives being ruined.
I wouldn’t place any effort into reasoning with them because you will end up becoming very frustrated.
You don’t have to like their behavior. You do have to accept that this is who they are. You are the only one who can decide what you will and will not tolerate.
If you want a more peaceful existence and much less frustration, hire others to do the caregiving or better still, have an honest conversation with your mother about looking into facility care.
Wouldn’t it be nicer to visit your mom as her daughter instead of having the pressure of being her caregiver? Plus, you could leave if she starts behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
Emotionallynumb, I have two questions:
1. Does your mother have dementia, or not?
2. Do you live with your mother, or does your mother live with you?
When you give us a question such as the one above without complete information it makes any answers we might try to give you look like nonsense.
Let's start at the beginning with who you are, who mom is, and whether or not you are living together, and for how long. That is going to go a long way to get you better answers here.
In short, EB is a kind soul, tried to help a very manipulative aunt who didn't have a good relationship with her own children. EB's mom played the meddling sister/mom who often tried to get EB to help aunt's many problems. EB was lucky to have gotten away from aunt's clutch and claws. Now, mom is driving EB nuts...
Yet apparently you mentioned it in a post from years ago??? I find that very interesting. Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia or not?(I'm guessing not)
If she has been, then you need to better educate yourself about the disease of dementia, as you don't seem to have clue about how to deal with someone with it or talk to someone with it.
And if she hasn't been, well then I stand by everything I said in my other answer and replies.
Either way, your mother doesn't need to be living in your home.
Your mom only has you for conversation so maybe its time to do adult day care or place her in a facility where she can have a social life?
What sort of physician is following the progress of mom's disease?
All dementias are progressive: as her brain changes, she may need meds to address agitation, rumination and other symptoms. Have you discussed this with her doctor?
I did this with my Mom. She would just talk and talk about nothing in particular just rambling so I just ignored it until one day she said "I guess no one is listening to me".
No, you could not have done it differently. But maybe its time for Mom to have some socialization other than u.
Its like mom is in solitary confinement with the OPs choice of how she wants to handle this.
Sounds like the OP is burnt out and something needs to change for her and mom.
My parents had grandma living with them for 20 years. They both couldn't adjust their reactions to grandma and were too guilty to place her in AL so they all lived like life was a pressure cooker with the releasing of steam in passive aggressive ways for all three toward each other during that time. Not fun because I could emphasize with all of them.
You likely would be much better off--BOTH OF YOU--not living together. I would either move out, or ask your mom to move out. That is to say, whomever is living in the other's home? It's time to move on.
If you need to seek professional help to make that happen, I think you should do so.
I had an EV for a mother myself. She lived to 95 and I dealt with her passive-aggressive hissy fits and histrionics till I was 64. So I had to have VERY FIRM BOUNDARIES INTACT or I'd have lost my mind and the quality of my life decades earlier after she insisted on moving in with me. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT right off the bat and took that card out of the deck. Idk what your living situation is, you did not fill out your profile......so I hope you do not cohabitate.
If so, move out/move her out. The brain damage a mother like this inflicts is mind boggling. They slither into our heads and dwell there like fungus. Which is nearly impossible to get rid of. 😑 Set down some rules you don't break under any circumstances, like when you'll visit, for how long, under what circumstances you'll leave, etc. Don't let HER dictate YOUR peace of mind, in other words. You set the stage for how she behaves based on what you're willing to tolerate. If you get up and leave every time she starts smack talking, she'll understand you mean business. And what you are and are not willing to tolerate.
I love ya ma, I just love ME more so step aside while I show you what that looks like.
Take a peek at this excellent article to help you navigate a passive-aggressive loved one:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Best of luck to you.
They truly do feed off of others energy to fulfill their own needs. Yet, it seems like they are never going to be completely satisfied.
Energy vampires will continue to feed off of others until they are drained.
It’s so very important to put a stop to their constant consumption of our energy.
When you moved in with your mom, what was the agreement? That you'd be roommates? Share everything? Did that work for some time, or has it never worked?
Clearly, if you can go away for 5 days, mom has no real need for a caregiver. She needs company. Consider if you want that to be you or someone else. Adult Day Care? Assisted Living?
Has mom's behavior changed recently? Get her evaluated for a uTI. If that's clear, have her seen by a geripsych.
Your entire family (I'm alluding to the issue with your aunt) seems to have an extremely passive way of communicating. Consider therapy to work on that.
"No, mom. I need to check my messages right now. I'll be with you in 10 minutes".
"How would YOU like to try to fix that problem, mom?"
"I've heard that problem before and I don't have a solution for it. I guess you'll have to live with that".
I myself am wondering why. Are you angry at her?Communication is the way to peace. Coming home from 5 days away the norm would be to talk for perhaps 20 minutes before catching up on media, I would think.
If she says what she said in the car a good response would be: "well, mom, to answer why I am quiet, it's because we have discussed this a few times, and right now I need to concentrate on driving".
It sounds as though when you were away you realized that there is too much communication happening, and you have decided to just stop-cold.
It is sounding like perhaps this situation living together isn't working out for you on a deeper level, and there are things you need to get together in your own head about how long it can go on. Or what changes need to be made to make it better.
You might consider seeing a LSW who does private counseling practice to comb out where things stand on a large scale in your own head. Then consider bringing Mom in to discuss boundaries, limitations, means to better communication and etc.
I sure do wish you good luck. It's hard to live with people. ANY people.
When we acknowledge another person's speech, even in an angry or heated way, that is probably kinder than stone silence.
I agree with others who have already replied: Respond in a pleasantly neutral way and be done with it.
When you are tempted to use the wall-of-silence technique, recognize that it is an act of aggression and consider how important it is to you to exert dominance over someone who is weaker than and dependent on you.
I'm probably writing this reply more for myself than for you. And if I sound snippy, it's probably because your situation allows you to take off for 5 days. Major envy. If I still had that setup, I'd be the most charming and patient of daughters. Haha...that's bs, of course. Even 10 years ago when things were much easier, I was often frustrated. Figuring out how to "rise above" is, it seems, an ongoing life project.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-no-one-likes-your-mom-any-advice-479591.htm?orderby=recent&page=2�
There are adult daycare centers she can go to, lots of volunteer opportunities, and even getting involved at her church(if she goes to one).
And I personally don't understand just flat out ignoring her when she's speaking to you. Instead just respond that you already heard that story and don't care to hear it again or just change the subject.
If your mother had dementia(and perhaps she does as you don't tell us what her health concerns are)she would more than likely tell the same stories over and over, as that is quite typical of folks with dementia. Would you also then just ignore her and walk away, or would you try and redirect the conversation to something else? It's pretty much the same thing.
To me it sounds like you've just lost all your patience with your mother for whatever reason. Perhaps it's time you move out of her home or have her move out of yours.
She is exhibiting maladaptive behaviors. Most worrisome is the rumination, which is often a symptom of depression.
Has she been evaluated for depression, not just by a PCP who asks "are you depressed?"