What should I say, or not say, to my mom about going to assisted living? How can I start the conversation with her when she is so stubborn?

A relative of ours told us that for one of their in-law parents, they told them that the furnace was broke at their house and they had to stay in a hotel for a short time till it got fixed. Every time she asked if it was fixed, the answer was no.

We started the process by having our mom go with us on the tours of the assisted living facilities. After we determined the one best for her, we put her in a Respite room (fully furnished) for a month and told her it was for her to check it out and see if she liked it. At the end of the month, since she didn't ask once about her home, where she lived by herself, and she liked it there, we moved her furniture into another room there for her. She seems content and happy and also likes the food there and some of the activities. She is stubborn too and we were not sure how it would go, but I think we lucked out because we weren't sure what we were going to do if she didn't like it there. Prior to that she had taken a fall and ended up in the hospital and then rehab. Luckily no broken bones. After that we were told she couldn't be left alone in her home. I lived with her for a while, but I had a job and lived two hours away. So we installed cameras in a few of the rooms at her house to monitor her. That worked for three months and we told her that if it didn't work that we would have to put her into an assistant living facility. She took another three falls on one week-end three months later, so we then decided enough was enough so we moved her to the assisted living facility. It has given both my bother and I peace of mind knowing that our mom is being taken care and eating properly, etc. We visit her on the same days that we used to prior to her going there and she does seem happy.

Judging by what everyone else has said, I don't think there is any reasoning with her. I am more worried about you and how you are going to make it through this.

MomAHan: As your mother suffers from dementia, she has lost the capacity to reason and also she may require a higher level of care than assisted living.

Having POA cannot haul someone into a facility if that person insists on not going. If they are vocal about not going, really there isn't much you can do. I was trying to get my aunt in one and I was POA at that time. Her screaming and arguing about not going raised my pressure. EMT told me that even though I have POA, and she's still alert and of sound mind, no one can move them against their will. They have their rights, even though it is 💯 clear that is where she belongs.
Every time it was mentioned, whew! The tantrums. The shouting. It will go on for hours and you can't calm her down.
I gave up the POA. I decided to not interfere and just let the chips fall where they may.
It's not going to be good.

Say what's in your mind and heart. Be compassionate and sympathetic. You know mom that you're getting more vulnerable and I'm worried about your health and safety. I know that you don't want to leave but...I don't want anything bad happening to you. Tell her things that you worry about. Could be falling and end up hospitalized and/or not being able to have enough time to be there for her. Mom you don't need all this space, it's just too much for you now. Also, go online previous to your conversation and get some nice pictures of AL to give her an idea of how it is. Many elderly people get the wrong impression and think nursing home,going out to pasture. Please take everyones advice here about the legalities! Great information! Also, get a place close to you if possible,just because she's being attended to doesn't mean that she won't need endless visits.

This certainly is not an easy discussion to have.
EVERYTHING depends on the level of dementia, which you do not even mention.
"Being stubborn' isn't a 'reason' - or the only part of her response to something she won't want to do.
The questions are -
--- how is her brain functioning?
--- her cognitive abilities?

She will continue to be resistant 'stubborn' as you say.
Expect this and do not take it personally.

* Give her space to talk and get out her feelings. She likely will be very mad (AT YOU), angry - and underneath all that is fear. Address her fears with compassion.

* Do not argue with her. Listen.

* The more you try to tell her the 'whys' she needs to go (for her own safety and well-being), the more she will "Yes, but" you. She will do anything and everything to hold on to the independence she has now [believes she has] and the familiarity of her home. This behavior is understandable.

* To me, it really depends on the level / kind of dementia.
i.e., will she forget the conversation in a minute or the next day?
My way of thinking "the more dementia, the less you talk to her about it."

I do not know the time table here - are you starting to re-search AI facilities or do you have a room already?

If you have a room already:

* You get the room ready (with her furniture, etc.)

* You tell her you're going out for a ride / meal / visit a friend.

When there,
* You tell her it is a TEMPORARY MOVE while xxx (the room / house is painted, etc) at home.

* You tell her anything that will calm her down in a new place which will alarm her - and scare her. You continually tell her how much you love her.

If you are broaching the subject for the first time:

* Include her in the discussion.

- Do not say 'this is what we are doing" = take control 'away' from her

* Keep telling her, based on her responses, "I understand you feel xxx".

* Say, I feel sad, TOO. (So she knows she isn't alone).

* Do not discuss it for too long the first time as it is mentally - in every way - draining and difficult for both of you. (Test the waters - mention and discuss just a little - say 10-20 minutes (???) and then switch to an activity she enjoys, i.e., a ride in the car, out to a park, go outside to your/her garden.

Visit Teepa Snow website or call (one of the country's leading experts on dementia) She knows how to talk to people in these difficult situations. Watch her webinars. She is 'magic' in motion. I've learned a lot from her (I took webinars for close to two years).

Gena / Touch Matters

My parents lived in assisted living it was a nice place. But on the other side of the spectrum my wife was put in a care facility that was the worst place ever I could write a book about what when on. All I say is screen carefully and think would you be happy there.

Probably say, then let her response determine if you should then not say. When I saw a room vacancy sign in front of my choice of assisted living facilities I moved fast. I had already visited 5 facilities in the area. I immediately went into the chosen facility and looked at the room available and asked what the process was. Mom wasn't going, she said. They came for a visit to my mom anyway. She was awful to them. I took her there to see the place. They gave her cake and tea. She refused it and was awful again. I went ahead with the plan and did not speak to her about it. Then one day she said she was ready to go. That was three days before she was scheduled to go anyway, but I pretended it was good of her to "decide" and oh yay she was going to have so much fun and it was a wonderful thing. The next day she said she wasn't going. I had already taken her rocking chair, a small bed, bedspread, stuffed animals, clothes, nick knacks, photos of my dad, etc. She hadn't noticed anything missing. I asked her homecare lady to stay an extra week to help me take her, get her settled, and do whatever would come up. It took us two hours to get her to agree to get in the car. We both stayed there for several hours and traded off days for a week to go stay with her for several hours. We worked that week also on cleaning out her house a little bit of some of the things she would never need again. She was confused, but there was another very difficult lady who moved in the same day and was taking all the energy of the staff, so it's good we were there to help mom get acquainted and settled. She was fine. She forgot about her house. The other lady's family had left town for the week so the staff could get her settled. That lady was a complete wreck. I still visited every day, and at the window during Covid, until she had to go to memory care. I suggest that if at all possible, visit your mom often. I think it really helps.

I don’t think sedation is a good idea as someone stated unless you can watch them constantly and assist them. It’s hard to say for your the proper thing to do considering we don’t know all the details. My mother-in-law‘s doctor gave her a medication for pain that made her unstable, and even though I only gave her a half dose she had a fall and had to have a. Kyphoplasty.quite awful old people don’t need all these drugs. Like I said if you’re going to consider that watch her like a hawk or she may end up being bedridden

I can't have that conversation with my mom. She was in denial and wants to live in her house. After my mom fell, the hospital filed for petition to have her declared incapacitated. She has no choice but to be placed in a nursing home. It gets ugly before it gets better. My mom is a fall risk and a danger to herself. If a fire occurs and your mother cannot escape, it's time to place her somewhere for her own safety.

Is her mind still OK? This is best done when people are of sound mind and able to make logical decisions about their own future. Many people are in denial about getting old and not being able to care for themselves. Much depends on her finances. Always start the discussion with the goal of finding out what her preferences and fears are. You can ask her if she's thought about what she would like to happen if she gets to the point where she is not able to care for herself. If she would prefer to age in place, does she have the financial resources to hire aides who will come in and help her and would she accept help? If you will have 'strangers' coming into your house you'll need to lock up her valuables and financial papers. What about if she needs skilled care (such as memory care or skilled nursing)? That kind of care is more expensive, and it is often easier if she will accept going to a senior residence that can provide the appropriate care. The advantages are skilled staff, they take care of everything: provide meals, housekeeping, laundry services, on staff nurses, etc. Also she'd have people her own age around her, and they organize activities and transportation. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order while she is still of sound mind. She'll need a will if she has assets, a living will with her advance medical directives, and she'll need to set up a health care proxy (POA for medical matters) and a Power of Attorney for financial matters (durable power of attorney). If you will be her POAs, you'll also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting beside you.

You can't reason with someone who has dementia. She will continue to be stubborn. ((((hugs))))

There comes a point where you have to make the decisions for her, Having POA is very important.

Appropriate meds can help a lot. Consult her dr. Sedation on the day of the move is a good idea. The staff at the facility you chose often have good ideas of how to make the transition work.

Other here have made the arrangements, kept mom distracted while some of her furniture was being moved in to her new place of residence, took her there for whatever reason works with her, and left her in the hands of the capable staff for a few weeks to adjust.

Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

Are you her PoA? It will be very helpful (if not really important) that you have the legal authority to do this on her behalf. If you are her PoA make sure you know the proper way to sign the forms so that you aren't legally liable for payment (your Mom is the responsible paying party even if she isn't able to comprehend or sign her name). In my state my husband signs [ his name ] as Power of attorney for [ his Mom's name ]. But call or search online to find the proper way.

Is your Mom on meds for depression or anxiety right now? If not, you may want to consider this before transitioning her. Many (if not most) elderly facility residents with dementia and memory impairment are on meds because their minds are no longer able to get then to a place of acceptance and peace so they need help with this. My Mom (94) just started the lowest dose of Lexapro and it has helped her a lot (she's semi-independent living next door to me and still mobile). It may take more than 1 try to get the right med, the right combo of meds, or the right dosage because every one is different. Would be best if this was addressed before moving her. I wish you peace in your heart during this season of change for both of you!

JoAnn29 gave great advice and I am sure you will get many others too.

I am at this exact point with both my parents today. Mom with moderate AD actually wants to go and is miserable in their house. Dad showing huge signs of AD is resistant. I had been approaching the subject over one year with no interest from dad to discuss details. I showed brochures of lovely places. Logic did not prevail. This week dad flat out said he was not signing any papers at all and felt betrayed by me.

I know a disaster will strike if they remain as is. The last couple months I toured ALFs and narrowed it down to two, so I had a first choice and a backup. Dad who was the "good one" has gotten much worse lately and the house around them is literally falling apart. He does not think it is that bad. Again, there seems to be no way to use logic or reason. It seems urgent to me that they get to a safe place quickly.

I contacted my first choice this week and the ALF has availability. I put a deposit down to keep it for 30 days. I got paperwork and started filling it out, and have a meeting planned for my parents at the community in two days. It is my *hope* that after seeing how nice it is, dad may be more willing. If all else fails, I might also tell them it does not have to be permanent, but only just until dad gets better and will then have an easier time taking care of the house later on.

It is hard. I think one of the hardest things we will do.

You say nothing. She has Dementia so cannot make decisions about her life. You tour the ALs, find a nice affordable one, get everything set up. The day she is to enter the AL, you just put her in the car and take her. Tell her when u get there she is going to a nice apt where she will meet new people andvhave things to do. Thats how I did it with my Mom. You stay with her a little while and then let the staff take over. Ask ahead how you should handle.

The morning Mom was to move in, we got her room set up. Her bed, dresser, chair, TV and other familiar things. Took over some clothes. You can move more things later.