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She has dementia and moved in with us, she brought her small dog. The problem is the dog constantly turns on my small dog. It's getting overwhelming for all of us. Is it cruel to ask her to get rid of the dog. She would go with a familt member but I'm concerned how my mother in law will handle letting her dog go. She feels like she's already lost everything.

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How long has it been? Once the dogs determine pack order the conflict could easily go away. I'm sure MILs dog is also feeling confusion in moving, new people, other animals etc. perhaps a vet could give the dog something for its anxiety. Please don't make MIL give up her dog - her life has been up-ended and having to give up her dog could easily cause her to become more difficult to deal with. I bet her four legged friend provides her comfort along with unconditional love. The dog may be one of the few things that feels familiar to her right now.
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Long shot: contact the Caesar who's the dog training and problem solving specialist and explain the story. Perhaps he'll come to your home and do a show on teaching the dogs how to get along.

Short and more realistic option: Research to determine if there are any dog obedience training classes in your are so your MIL's dog can learn to be social.

There might be some turf issues such as MIL's dog needing to establish her role in the hierarchy already existing between your 2 dogs.

Last shot: get some dog obedience books from the library and search online for dog obedience training.
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I have two four legged babies right now. We had one for about a year when I decided I needed another one - both for me and for the existing dog - dogs are pack oriented and I personal think they are happier with one of their own around. Anyhooo - for the first three months the first dog would absolutely have nothing to do with the new puppy. He would sulk and treat hubby and I like we betrayed him. Now, three years later they are insepratable - sleeping curled up together in "dads" chair at this moment. In fact the first dog lost his hearing recently ( poor thing is only four) and the other dog acts as his hearing ear dog. Please give it time, I'm sure they'll work it out. I know you said MILs dog would go to a family member - but be sure that if that happens they understand the dog may develop behaviors due to the change. Its so terribly sad to see an older dog separated from its long time human. You see these poor older dogs at shelters - after years and years with their human "mom" or whomever passes or has to go to a facility and these poor creatures get taken to a shelter. Few people want to adopt an older dog. It breaks my heart.
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You hit the nail on the head with "she let the dog do whatever it wanted and it has no manners". I inherited my mother's dog, Sue, a miniature pinscher x jack russell terrorist, when my mother went into a NH and yes she was a perfect little "terrorist" but it wasn't her fault.

My mother used pee pads but often put them upside down so the pee ran into the carpets and Sue learned to go on carpets as well. She also often bit my mother. Three years have passed and with proper handling she's changed, becoming a "real" dog with manners. I leave pee pads down overnight but in waking hours she goes out to potty with Ashy Girl, a black lab, 9, who came from rescue a couple of years ago.

I like the idea of crating or maybe a baby gate, though that might make things worse - sometimes, feeling braver, they're more aggressive behind a barrier. I would suggest the dogs have their own personal sleeping spots and eat separately, in different rooms if you can. The majority of dog spats are just a lot of noise and posturing and I don't step in unless someone is getting hurt. They will sort out the pack order themselves in time. Dog Bless and Woof!
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Rain some dogs do become aggressive from mistreatment but in this case I think the dog's snottiness stems from MIL letting it do whatever it wanted and basically it became a total brat. When Sue came to live with me she was a waddling 28lb. My mother was always wringing her hands because Sue wouldn't eat her dinner. If you spent all day munching cookies and cakes would you? Sue is now a trim 18lb.

Lela I mentioned that Sue often bit my mother. She bit me once and discovered that wasn't a good idea. Every time she went for me I'd push her down on the floor and hold her down until she stopped struggling (thank god she wasn't a 100lb rotti lol). She got tired of spending time on the floor. It didn't hurt her and she quickly realized I was the pack leader, the alpha wolf if you like. If the brat is the one that starts it, try doing as I did. Say sternly "Hey", grab it by the scruff, push it down and hold it. Only let it up when it stops struggling. This may eventually solve the problem.

I'm no dog trainer but I've had big rescue dogs (3 together, 2 lab types and a bernese x, at one time) all my life. Yep, sometimes they were a challenge. One of the lab types, Jessie, was deaf and often incontinent and in the beginning the berner, Sara Jane, after my grandma who rescued every waif and stray animal, ate the doors but we survived. From an accident as a child I have physical issues and I'm not big or strong but with patience and perseverance (and banging my head on a wall from time to time) everyone got manners and got along.

These days I live in the country with Sue, Ashy Girl and the Mouse Squad: Charlie, 8, off the street when I lived in the city, Pixie, 7, inherited from my mother, Katie, 7 pulled from a horrible situation when she was little and Lucy, 1, found on one of these back dirt roads last year, so tiny she could sit in the palm of your hand, sick and starving. The person who found her was going to take her to a shelter but I knew they'd kill her immediately ... that wasn't happening, so home she came. She's the sweetest creature but, from such a poor beginning I guess, she's deaf so I don't let her out. Went off track but I know many here are animal lovers like me. Personally I prefer them to most humans.

Please let us know how it goes. In my heart I know it will all be fine in the end.
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Lela, my sympathies. Use a spray bottle or squirt gun on whoever or whatever needs it, whenever.
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Lela - don't get me wrong, I do understand where your coming from. My mom had a cat - Kitty was allowed to do whatever he liked. This included slashing up the furniture and sitting on kitchen countertops and the dining room table. I like cats just fine - have one now. Kitty moved with mom from house to IL and to AL. When it came time for mom to move to a NH my brother and I looked for two months for one that was right for mom and for one that would take Kitty. We found one - an Adult Foster Home. Unfortunately this place would not have been able to give mom the level of medical care she needs. My mom was very unhappy to have to move without Kitty (understatement of the century). Mom knew Kitty would have to follow a few rules at my house so Kitty went to live with my brother - who has three other cats, two are litter mates of kittys. Believe me, I was relieved by this choice! My mom has been brutal in her resentment of having to give Kitty up. If your MIL has to give up her dog and gives you even 1/10th of the grief and anger she's given me - well, I'd say it would definitely be worth your sanity to move heaven and earth to get all the dogs accepting each other!
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Ashylnne has it down to a science. She is right on the money.
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Remove the offending dog and isolate it, do not give it free reign of the house and yard. Study videos online and on youtube about dog obedience, cesar milan, the dog whisperer does not have to come to your home. Some are against his teachings, like the neighbor down the street who will have to give the dog away, sadly. I understand why some would be against the dog whisperer, because he thinks the owners need training.
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Poor Lela, your thread has been hijacked by dog lovers! I have never been one to get physical with my dogs by way of discipline or punishment. But I do see merit in Ashlynnes method - the point being to get the dog in a submissive position as this will quickly establish top dog. And if done firmly but not roughly shouldn't hurt the dog. I do disagree with the post that suggested you can establish a top dog by treating one more importantly than the others and conversely treating one like a red headed step child to make it feel inferior. Dogs instinctly recognise who is a territorial threat and who isn't - treating one better than the other may only create dog jelousy and complicate matters. As with children, treat them as equally as possible - as their behavior allows. Set rules and expectations along with consistent consequences when rules are broken. We are liberal with treats when good behavior warrants a reward and use a strong deep voice when a reprimand is required. Our dogs are crated at night but serve as a "naughty mat" (remember that nanny reality show?). "Bad dog Charlie, no _____. Go to your house!" Several years ago we had two large dogs who had a large outdoor run with a doggy door into the garage where their crates were. This is where they stayed when we weren't home. Once in a while one of them would poo in the garage - hubby would just say "who did this" - pointing menacingly - and they'd both run into their crates.
I guess pet rearing is as individual as child rearing - but I say never hit your dog.
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