My 89-year-old mom recently went for memory testing and did fair. Not great, but not horrible. The neurologist said that he couldn't determine if it were Dementia or not and referred her to a neuropsychologist for further testing. The problem is that she is refusing to have any more testing done and she's extremely upset with me. I moved my whole life down to Florida when my Dad passed in 2016 so I'd be around to help her. I never had a relationship with her and it's been tough trying to have one. I feel that I've done all that I can and I quit. My brother who lives in Mass. can't be here to help and agrees that I've done all I can. If she has any serious issues we'll deal with it when it happens. Her doctor couldn't talk her into further testing but did get her to agree to take a medication for memory, and she agreed. What's a caring daughter to do?
I think that you might consider telling your mother you are moving back where you loved to be, since it is unproven that she in any way needs you now. And I think you should get on with your life.
It is very difficult to help take care of someone who is cooperative. For the UNcooperative it is impossible. Your Mom has had her life. I think it is time for you to have yours. Give your Mom the emergency numbers we all need to have handy and get on with your life.
You say that you never had a relationship with your Mom, yet you moved your entire life to be with her. That's something curious to me. There are many elders who do not have children. The same thing that happens to THEM will be what happens to your uncooperating Mom, frankly.
I wish you the best. Only you can make the choices for your own life. You can't make Mom's choices, but your shouldn't be enslaved by her poor decision making.
What do you hope additional testing will reveal. Will it change anything about mom's treatment?
Relax, you are doing what you can and there is nothing that testing will change. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a breath and just try to enjoy mom, but remember it is very important to take care of yourself.
And never do anything with the hope of mom being grateful. You will only be disappointed. Mom just seems she doesn't want to be fussed over.
Support. (But not be enslaved).
"The problem is that she is refusing to have any more testing done and she's extremely upset with me".
Let's break that into 2.
1. Testing. I suppose, what is the aim of more tests & answers? Will they really help her? Medical problems ruled out I presume, so this is more in-depth memory & thinking assessment?
So many replies on the forum advice getting a full neuro cog exam. It certainly CAN highlight skills that work well, or not so much...
This info can then be used (if necessary) to spring a POA - if one! Can indicate the likelihood of someone being safe to live alone or not.
Is that what you would like to know? Safe to live alone? I would..
2. She is mad with you. So what?
Can I ask WHY you moved down to help her?
She was recently widowed at that time. You may have had a perfectly natural wish to help.. But did she request you come? It may be good to really look at the bigger why you came?
The harder I try, the more she pushes away....I think my Dad was the glue that held us all together. Some deep thinking to be done. The testing, I thought, would put my mind at ease that she was fine to be living alone, or not. She doesn't want to leave her home, the one her and my Dad built together. I get that. She can well afford to have someone come in to help her when she's ready, if ever. Maybe I'm trying too hard. She refuses to have one of those buttons you wear in case you fall. I threw her an 85th birthday party and she tells me she wishes I hadn't done it. So ungrateful, yet I still keep trying to make her happy. I'm in a mess that I have created for myself.
If she did OK on the test, then that's probably pretty good. Ask yourself what would you do if she had further tests done?
Sometimes it's best to just deal with what is rather than worry about what might be.
I wouldn't do a thing, let her be, there is no point to have more testing done.