What to do when your mother in a NH claims she is being abused, but her description of what happened does not seem to be true?

The major media network CNN came out with this report in 2017. Sexual abuse of elderly, cases in the thousands. All across the country, all types of facilities. https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2017/02/health/nursing-home-sex-abuse-investigation/

My mother, age 84 with dementia, is in memory care. She has started to complain about "men" in her room and a "man" following her around. It turns out she has trouble recognizing who is a woman and who is a man. If the woman has pretty hair, jewelry, make-up, feminine clothes, higher voice, petite or slim, then my mother recognizes it's a woman. But if the woman has any combo of short hair, a large build, doesn't wear make-up or jewelry, has a deep voice, wears scrubs or uniform-type outfit instead of pretty clothes--then my mother thinks it's a man. Most of the care staff she sees are middle-aged women from Africa and the Caribbean. Some are very "old-country" or religious, so they don't wear make-up or wigs. Even the ones who usually wear a wig, might come to work without a wig sometimes, so they look like a man with short hair to my mother. The masks make it even harder to recognize anyone. She gets angry if a "man" is trying to toilet her in her bathroom. But then she can be sweet as pie to the next lady, who happens to be wearing full make-up and pretty hair.

I read an updated post which said that you thought your Mom is miserable there.

If this is true, then you need to research other facilities for your Mom. Then report back to her what you found and why one would work or not work for her. If feasible, ask her if she would like to move to one of the places that you researched.

You can't really tell if she is telling you all these stories because they are true (in her head), true (really happened) or if she is interpreting the environment/actions incorrectly. I don't believe she is making up these stores. I just think she is mis-interpreting what she hears, the visual cues, and what she remembers.

I take action on nearly everything that my Mom tells me, even though she is in Memory Care. My Mom also accused me on being on the side of the care home and I told her that if she wanted me to follow up on the accusations, then I needed details on the incident. After I take action, I tell my Mom what happened or what is the status.

I don't know whether your Mom wears hearing aids or not, however, that is another potential source of confusion. Some combinations of words are very hard to hear clearly, much the less to comprehend. She could have interpreted wild parties, when in fact it was multiple aides helping a resident and she overhead their voices. If you do not wear hearing aids, you would be surprised at the number of times hearing impaired people are guessing at what you are saying. We make "educated" guesses and many times we are correct. However, many times we are wrong too.

The only way to get over your fear that your mother might be mistreated will be to have an idea of what might have gone on for her to have interpreted the event as she states it. Once you feel more confident in your assessment of what she says to you, the fear will subside.

SplitSecond: When my late mother was in a nursing home, she confabulated similar stories, e.g. "He (a patient) got out of his bed to assist me," "The person (a patient) went back to their hotel" and "There is a body lying in the floor of my room." Imho, most of these stories were as a result of morphine still being in her system, since she had just arrived via ambulance from the hospital.
As far as your mother telling you these rather bizarre stories, they don't hold much merit and shouldn't be followed up on. Other scenarios that seem credible should be addressed. To be certain, install a camera IF permitted.

SplitSecond, I’ve read all the amazing posts, and thank you for bringing them out of the woodwork for us!

Many posters have said that their parent complains all the time about everything from the food to abuse, says they are miserable, desperately want to go home. Then the poster has gone in and watched them unseen, and has found that in fact most of the time they appear quite happy, participate in things to the best of their abilities, eat the food with apparent enjoyment etc. It might be well worthwhile checking like this yourself.

I’ve learned not to believe too much of the wild stories that people with dementia tell. My mother was sure that an animal was living in a silk flower arrangement in her room. She thought she was going to marry Elvis and bought a ring, believing that he was going to show up any day now. She believed her father was in the second story of her house playing the organ, and he’d been dead for 25 years, but she heard it every night for weeks. And he was there with his son, who died in WW2. A dinosaur was living on her back screen porch. The cat had kittens in her washing machine (true, but it was 50 years before) and she said Chinese people had put the cat there. Another relative heard a friend of mine speaking in his ear, saying he’d blown his brains out, which wasn’t true though my friend had died peacefully some time before. The same relative saw his own footprints leading up to his door and became convinced that someone else was hiding in his house. A friend thought that people from outside were sneaking into his memory care facility to get food and to attend the activities, which was not possible. On and on. Dementia is a vicious disease but you just can’t take the stores too seriously unless you have some sort of proof it happened, like bruises or pictures. I sure would have liked to see that dinosaur! lol

Install a camera in her room. If you have the legal authority over your mother to make her decisions, then it is your right to put the camera.

The last thing I can recommend is putting a camera/nanny cam in mom's room, if the facility will allow it. Then you will KNOW for SURE what's going on or not going on with the CGs and her accusations.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this, I know how stressful it can all be.

I'm not reading all the comments aside from the one 2 below mine b/c let's face it, there are TOO MANY naysayers here regarding managed care. I'm quite certain 'doctors are violating women during C-sections' with a dozen other people (including women) IN THE ROOM during said C-section because it 'said so in the paper'. Snicker. A reality check is in order regarding ANYTHING the MSM is 'reporting' these days anyway.

If your mother is telling wild tales about outrageous happenings in her SNF, then that's something you can let roll off your back. If she's telling you stories that she can actually elaborate on and that you can MAKE SENSE OF, that's another matter entirely. Remember, she has dementia whether she's 'with it' sometimes or not. Stroke related 'short term memory issues'= dementia, no matter how you cut the mustard. My mother who had dementia told me a lot of stories. About how the caregivers were taking her to a 'different hotel every night' along with all of her belongings, but she wondered HOW such a thing was possible? Also that she was being taken to different restaurants every night and also out for wonderful entertainment, but that it was very exhausting on a nightly basis. Her Memory Care ALF did no such thing. Were I to believe these stories, I'd have been calling the ED every day asking her to look into the matter. But then again, they weren't allegations of mistreatment. Mom did accuse the other residents of 'making fun of her' ALL the time, though, that she was insistent about. I think it's a skewed perception type of thing when dementia is at play though, I don't know. I do feel it was unlikely that the other residents were making fun of mom, just that SHE perceived it that way. My mother also CONSTANTLY accused me of 'taking their side' when she'd be complaining about others and I'd try to talk her off the ledge. She didn't want to be talked off of a ledge; she wanted to teeter there all day long. So me trying to talk sense to her was met with anger and accusations that I was the 'bad guy' when all I was trying to do was help HER calm down. See where I'm going with this?

The 'truth' here, in your case, may be somewhere in between what mom says and what's really happening. Maybe the CGs are making snide remarks to her sometimes. That may be the extent of it, but who knows? Remember, too, that when a dementia patient tells you a story, they BELIEVE it 100% so it's not a 'lie' to them. That's important to keep in mind. They can weave quite a tale but to them, it's real. Like mom would tell me how her sister Connie brought her a beautiful new blouse that day when I went to see her, isn't it lovely? Connie had been dead for 9 years when mom told me that story. SHE believed it though, so it wasn't a 'lie', it was HER reality. You can label that a 'delusion' or even a 'hallucination' if she sees someone doing something that isn't really happening.

Nobody knows what is going on with your mother. Whether what she's saying is truth or fabrication. But I would venture to guess that she's Sundowning at night when the majority of these 'incidents' are taking place. Sundowning is serious business and when my mother had ALL of her issues with EVERYTHING. I am not sure how you should respond to her b/c no matter what you say, you are likely to be The Bad Guy, like I was.

What I do think is that you need to have a care meeting with the ED or the charge nurse or whoever conducts these meetings. Explain what's going on with mom and her accusations against the staff. See how THEY respond to you. See how you feel in your gut. Also, make surprise visits to the facility in the evenings especially to see if you can spot any irregularities yourself. If you are going to be 'terrified' that your mother is being mistreated in some way, then perhaps she is at the wrong facility. Please note, however, you could easily move her and have a REPEAT performance to deal with at the next facility.

Continued....

If there is wifi available you could try a nanny cam. That’s a camera that’s hidden in a fake plant or stuffed animal or picture frame. Face it towards your moms bed or chair she’s normally in and see for yourself. Google nanny cam and you’ll see where to buy.

Chances are she’s hallucinating, having nightmares or seeking attention. However when such accusations are made, you “can’t not” listen. Take her seriously (when you think you need to…as you said parties in her room is incredibly unlikely), report it to staff.

But your best bet is see if you can discreetly place a nanny cam (without her or the staffs knowledge).

There is too much abuse out there to not give her a little credit.

Maybe she is having nightmares about staff that is unkind.

I was reading in the paper today about anesthetized women being violated by doctors DURING c-sections.

Listen and be attentive to her concerns, even if they are not fully clear.

Interesting you mention this, just talked to a friend who said a guy he knows works at a NH.

He told the friend that when he is getting one of the dementia men ready for bed, he takes the man into the bathroom. and has an act done on him,(use your imagination) before putting him to bed.

So, there could be some truth to mom's allegations.

Does your mother's facility facilitate a support group with other family members of residents at the facility? If so, you should join it to find out what is happening with other residents. Sometimes they are misunderstanding what is happening to them. My mother went through a stage where she resisted having her clothes taken off to change them, even when I did it. It's not unusual for people with dementia to be accusatory and to imagine things that are not true. But you still need to do due diligence on behalf of your mother. If you can, check her out and make sure she is not bruised or injured in any way that would indicate physical abuse. If you can get a camera set up in her room that you can monitor, that might be a way to do it. However, there may be privacy issues with a camera. You might want to check with her case manager, saying that she is saying some things that don't sound right, but you'd like advice on how to make her feel safer and more relaxed.

It's said a thousand times on these posts - if someone has a change in personality, ask for urinary testing. Also look at the meds. Both can cause hallucinations - some really wild stories.

You should also see about installing a covert camera in her room (if there is anyone else in the room, it cannot film that other person at all. Don't toss out stories as bizarre until you do some observation on your own. Someone needs to stay with her for lengthy periods of time to see what's going on. Be there on bath days, at meal times, medicine times, etc and pay attention. Go in and out of the room so you can make some surprise entrances.

It's very possible there is a bad employee or even a wandering patient who is coming to your mom's room.

I am going through the exact same thing with my mom. She says that two men come into her room, and hit her.

So, when I take her to the restroom, I look over her whole body for bruises, cuts, etc.

I think that she hallucinationates that people are hitting her, when they are actually trying to change her undergarment.

Unfortunately, I don't think her facility allows cameras.

I had a camera in my moms room (they allowed camera's and staff knew they were there). You should 100% be concerned about the stories your mother is telling you. The night shift is an inner-changing range of different people. There are an unbelievable amount of abuse cases filed against employees which are assault related in these very nice homes. My mom's facility looked like a country club. Even if your mom is having hallucinations because of her memory, you need to be sure. When a loved one experiences dementia they cannot advocate for themselves and need you. If you have a camera, and she is having hallucination issues or any other issues, you can see it and make appropriate medication decisions based on what is actually happening not what staff is reporting. The reality is that staff are busy and really do not spend much time with residents. Abuse is common among memory care/dementia residents due to their lack of recall and reporting.

I agree with PeggySue about the camera. It may be necessary to put in camera and actually find a way to show Mom films of her night.
I am wondering if you are the OP I recently suggested MD check on all this. Some delusion and hallucinations, esp nitetime ones with Lewy's and some other dementias are very real and very detailed. Could you discuss with doctor a try with some medications that might help with delusions.
If this is a private room, might a roommate help, one who is mentally able so that Mom might feel protected.
If you are a long way from Mom this will be difficult to manage. I am so sorry.

It appears that she has a private room ?

what are the state laws about … secretly … putting a camera in her room ?

My mom had hallucinations… it’s best to not argue with her… tell her you will look into it. Change the subject.

call your moms dr, medication adjustment may be needed. For my mom the med change helped for only a few weeks… I’m thankful she does not need to suffer with this anymore… she passed in May.

my mom would hallucinate about the building across the street… she even callled 911 over a bear on the roof…it was before Thanksgiving, I put up the Christmas tree in the window and left it till March… it helped some …

Our answer to mom when she reported "goings on" was to say, "I'll look into that, Mom". We did.

Never dismiss your mom's concerns, never try to explain to her that they can't be true, but make her feel "heard".

Talk to the folks who are treating her (docs and nurses) about whether this is a medical issue (meds/delusions) and report to administrators what she is saying.

In my previous answer, it might have seemed that we were dismissive of mom's reports. We were not. We investigated and reported to admins.

Whill I feel that alot can go wrong in NH I think what is being told to you cannot have truth to it. When my grandmother was in a NH she had a terrible roommate. She would try to reach over and pinch my grandmother. This roommate told me that at night the aides came in with champagne and partied and raped her. She told me that they at least found her more attractive than my grandmother.

I never believed a word of it. Employees do not have sex with residents. They may in prison but not there. Try to assess the physical condition you find your mother in. You could request medication. It is very sad but the extreme reports your mother is giving you are a result of dementia.

I'm in the camp of believing your mother until proven otherwise. Can you put a camera in her room?

Please don't be dismissive about this situation, chalking it up to her meds or whatnot. Investigate. That's the least that you can do for her.

I wouldn't worry one bit about the fallout from reporting this to the management. That's the cost of doing business (they're making tons of money) and it's their responsibility to make sure that their residents are never mistreated. I wouldn't hesitate to call down the dogs.

Our elders are mostly helpless - think about that for a minute - and are at the mercy of those around them. They deserve the very best of care. Peace.

Sounds like your mother is going down that funnel to nowhere land. Hallucinating.

I am not understanding why you cannot talk to management about your mother asking them for advice on how to approach this issue. You can have a conversation without them feeling legally obligated to do a complete investigation.

Look at the big picture, set her confabulations aside, how is everything else going for her? Why would you jump to "mistreatment" by the home so quickly?

When she says you are siding with the enemy, say ok and change the subject.

As for moving in with you, that would be a disaster, you do understand that the hallucinations will continue and it may be someone else who lives in your house who is doing vulgar things to her. It is the disease.

If she is on Seroquel I would look into that, my step-sister was on it and she had wild dreams, yelled loudly in her sleep said all kinds of crazy stuff. I told her to go back to her doctor explain everything, he cut her dosage in half, much better, she is still loopy, but she has been that way all her life.

I wouldn't overact to this, she is losing her mind, look at it that way, pay attention but don't let her manipulate you, most all do not like where they are living, I swear the home underground hands out a list of things the patient should complain about to see if they can convince their loved ones to break them out of the joint. I have had 4 LO's in 5 different homes, they all read off of the same script.

It may be possible that mom is having side effects like hallucinations and disturbing dreams from the increased doses of meds at night.

My dad had a real hard time with Seroquel and had some wild stories to tell me each day. I talked to staff at our family care meeting and the psychiatrist immediately removed this med.

If her psychiatrist is not available ask to speak to the charge nurse or nurse manager.

I am having g the same problems I moved my mother into a nursing home which is nice she says she is being raped, people are in her room at night with a gun and people bring dead bodies into her room and wrap them up in covers it is distressing but unfortunately I just agree with her and move on to another subject that’s the sad part of dementia I’m afraid change the subject and talk about something else they forget about it so sad and hard to live with but seriously don’t consider taking her in you would never cope honestly good luck

This happened with my mom after her stroke. The aides were having sex in the bathroom, dead bodies were being carted around...

Mom kept telling me that she "had to pay for everything here". I reminded her that Medicare was paying (I thought this was still my oh so rational mom, sigh).

Sitting with her in the afternoon, Burse Nancy came by and gave my mom several pills, individually, explaining what each was. When mom finished, she said to me, with Nurse Nancy still there, "You see, I have to manage my medications on my own." She gave me a "look" that meant "pay attention to what I'm saying".

I asked her as neutrally as I could what she meant. She pointed to her water pitcher and gave me "the look" again.

I followed Nurse Nancy out of the room. As we walked down the hall, I fumbled for words. She said "Barbara, we think your mom has developed Vascular dementia from the stroke. It's pretty common after stroke. We've asked our geriatric psychiatrist to stop by".

Mom was on a low one of antidepressants at this point. She eventually was prescribed two different antidepressants and a low dose of anti-anxiety meds. They kept her calm.

Talk to mom's psychiatrist about what's going on.

Rethink moving her in with you. She’s only going to get worse. And the hallucinations, anxiety, fear, paranoia will only be exacerbated. New surroundings could increase all of these in a heartbeat. Mom is in a residential care home (she loves it), but even here after two years the tales are getting more and more bizarre. We’ve heard stories from “that one steals from me” (mom has nothing anyone would want) to her being raped by Indians. Then there’s the little girl that comes to visit at night and she can’t go back to sleep until they find her.

There is no way I could handle the hour by hour needs and listen to all the fears and concerns that mom has. She’s on meds for depression, anxiety and pain.

Good Luck with your mom and good luck to you. This is a long, strange trip. I couldn’t do it alone.

Well there is the true story of a nurse assistant sexually abusing elderly male dementia patients and videotaping it, which she admitted she did.

So I don't know.

You could simply report that your mother has been telling you these things, so that telling your mother that you have reported them would not be a lie. I'm sure that someone in administration would be discreet in following up. A neurologist might possibly have better understanding of this manifestation of dementia and a recommendation. It must be terribly difficult for both of you.

My brother who had Lewy's had exceptionally detailed and real hallucinations in the night. In one there was a garden party outside his room,and one fellow had an Elvis haircut, white shorts, towel over his shoulder. He could go into great detail.
I might consider a camera in room.
I would discuss with management, ask if you can do the camera, tell them you need to discuss with Mom's MD where this all might be coming from. I sure wish you good luck and hope you will update us.