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I am 23 years old. I live with my Father who is 75 and mother who is 68 and in the past few months my boyfriend has moved in. My father is an alcoholic, and has been as long as I can remember. Throughout my childhood he worked away a lot and when he was home he was present although acted more a friend than a parent. In present time he is no longer a pleasant man. He is not mentally all there and a lot of his sentences don’t make any sense, normally contradicting himself. The atmosphere in my house is hostile and very uncomfortable to live in. Throughout the years I have tried to talk to my father about his drinking but he denies it and hides alcohol throughout the house. Myself and my mother have hidden our bottles of booze from him to find months later they’re now almost empty, which he claims must have evaporated (?). He’s so nasty and hurtful and he is only getting worse. I’m sorry for being graphic but tonight was the final straw when he went to the toilet and got feces on the floor and came into the living room where we were all eating and the smell was horrendous, I felt sick. He smelt it to and didn’t realise it was from him. I have often felt sorry for him but I can’t deal with this he needs help but I don’t know who from. My mother can’t take care of him she has got health problems, she has had to deal with an alcoholic father herself and I am devastated she is experiencing the same thing. I’m desperate for myself and my boyfriend to move out as it is affecting my mental health (along with everyone in this house) but I don’t want to leave my mother with him. She really dislikes him and feel she can’t escape. I am mostly ranting here but any advice or help would be so appreciated! Thanks in advance

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Your mother has lived with this man for some time without leaving. She is quite young as things go these days, and is free to leave and make a life; not easily, but it can be done, and is done all the time.
As to jumping ahead to a future your father may not live to see, don't go there until you must.
As to living in an alcoholic home, don't do that. You should now be moving on your own or with your boyfriend. Again, I understand this is easier said than done, but it must be done for your own mental health.
Now for the last and undoubtedly only "useful" thing I will say, you (and your Mom if she will go) need to go to al-anon, where you will be astounded at the support and information available to you. You undoubtedly already understand that nothing will ever change your Dad but your Dad himself, and statistically that is very unlikely. Attend Al-Anon as though your lives depend upon it; they may.
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I want to second finding an Al-Anon meeting this week. Even if you seek individual therapy, the support you will get at Al-Anon is from folks who have walked the path you are on now.
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My first question would be why did you move a boyfriend into a situation like this?

I don't think this is a situation "you" can solve. What I see it that maybe your Dads alcoholism is now causing Dementia. Hard to tell if he is drunk most of the time. Really, your parents are not that old or elderly. This is something Mom is going to need to work out. Dad probably should have a good physical, body and mentally. I would not be surprised if he doesn't have Liver desease which gives off toxins into the system which effects the brain.

What I suggest is when you can, you and boyfriend find good jobs and an apt you can afford and move out.
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You can't save your father; he's chosen a life devoted to addiction. His drug of choice is alcohol. It's ruined his brain and he likely is suffering from alcohol induced dementia. There are plenty of people living in Memory Care Assisted Living homes who were placed there for alcohol induced dementia, Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome, and Wernicke Encephalopathy. Look it up and you'll see what I mean.

You can't save your mother, either, because she's chosen to stay with an alcoholic husband who's now suffering the ravages of his addiction. She can now choose to leave him, or, she can choose to continue staying married to him. It's up to HER, not you.

You are 23. You have an entire life ahead of you. It's not your job to 'fix' this mess your parents have created for themselves. It's up to THEM to fix the mess they've created for themselves, in a number of different ways.

You can go to Al Anon meetings and learn how to move on with YOUR life and leave your parents to move on with theirs. This is not to say you don't love them; just that you are disengaging from the nightmare lifestyle they've created in their home.

Get out. Move away with your b/f or w/o him. Just leave the scene before you get in SO deeply that you feel you have no other choice but to stay and 'fix' things that can't be fixed.

You will always love your parents and offer them help IF they truly want it; in other words, if your father WANTS to stop drinking and your mother wants to go to Al Anon meetings with you to learn how she's been enabling his behavior. THAT you can help with. Anything else, you can't.

I love you, mom and dad, but I love myself more. And I'll be moving out to save MYSELF.

Good luck. Sending you a hug and a bunch of prayers for peace with making the right decision for YOU.
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I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Addiction is a disease which effects the entire household.

My brother suffered with addiction for the majority of his life.

Families of addicts feel many emotions.

We feel love and concern. We have fear. We feel guilt. We feel confusion and anger.

We experience depression and anxiety.

Sometimes we feel downright hopeless!

It isn’t until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired that we choose to move forward.

Eventually I was able to walk away.

I thought I was strong for holding on. The real strength comes from letting go.

When you are ready, let go.

Al Anon is very helpful. You don’t even have to share if you don’t feel like it. Some days, I spoke, some days I didn’t say a word and just listened.

You are not responsible for your mom or your dad. You can keep them in your heart.

Or you can take a total leave of absence if you need to!

There is no ‘right or wrong’ here.

I know it’s hard. I wish you all the peace and happiness that you deserve in life.

Take care.
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Hi Tayles, I strongly believe a 75 y.o. alchoholic will most likely never decide to sober up. If your working, save some money so that you can move out on your own. Boyfriend should do the same. Get a place together and move on with your lives. Your mom should probably do the same. You said she feels she can't escape...does she depend on him financially? I hope she's working because at her age and yes, she's only 62, but it may be difficult for her to find a job unless she has skills from previous job that are desirable. If you move out, that might encourage her to do the same and the next thing for her would be to file for divorce.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2020
Mom is 68.
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JoAnn - thanks for the correction. 68 will make it that much harder to find employment, that is if she is unemployed. If she (mom) gets SS only maybe a low income senior community.
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Best to move out & live your own life.

It will give Mother a safe place to visit now & then too.

What will happen to him? I don't know. But I've met a few that follow this pathway: fall, break a hip or something, in hospital go through traumatic alcohol withdrawal symptoms (psychosis), are referred for an aged care psychiatric assessment. Placed into rehab if possible, respite or aged care if not.
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Bless your heart! You are so young and have so much life to live and enjoy. I am so sorry you are dealing with this very difficult family situation. You are to be commended for reaching out and searching for answers. I agree with another poster, I would find a way to move out and create a new life. I know this will not be easy, because you might feel super responsible for your parents. However, I believe life will set in for your dad with the alcohol addiction. As he continues to age, he might develop a myriad of health issues, fall and need hospitalization or have some other incident. I would move out and contact Adult Protective Services. Make it clear to them you are truly unable to help him in every way. Let them know you are not mentally or emotionally able to care for him in any manner. Indicate that you do not have the financial or social support to assist with his care. Do not back down on these issues. Not knowing your mother's financial situation, I would encourage her in finding alternative housing. Contact your local chapter Area on Aging for direction. However, it will still be her decision to leave the home. As much as you feel the need to protect her, she will have to make that decision if she mentally capable. You are living in an extremely toxic environment and your are only responsible for yourself. You deserve a better living situation where you can thrive and be at peace. I truly want the best outcome for you. This is overwhelming for a 23 year to go through. I pray God's wisdom, clarity, insight and blessings upon you.
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