Our family is at the end of our road, mentally and emotionally. My parents live in a condo by themselves, and they're 87 years old. They have some non-life-threatening health conditions at this time, my father has one good eye and cholesterol and high blood pressure. My mother has back pain and abdominal pain and she lays on the couch all day, although she really needs to move. But she claims she's in too much pain to move. One day they want to sell their condo and go to assisted living and the next day they change their mind and want to get at home aid. A few days later they changed their mind again. This situation, between staying at home and getting home health aid or going to assisted living after selling Apartment has been going on for over a year now and it picked up in intensity over the past few months since my dad had eye surgery and covid and my mom fell and injured her back. I am the one that has to do the running around for them looking for ALF and care agencies, on top of having a full-time job.. My parents keep finding things they don't like about any of the facilities and the agencies. Two days ago they signed a contract to sell their apartment and this morning my father informed me that he changed his mind. My son and I both called him and tried to do an intervention. Both my parents are cognitively fine, neither one has Alzheimer's or dementia, they're just indecisive, afraid of change,and selfish. They are refusing to get psychological help .I don't know what else to do. I was screaming at the top of my lungs this morning with anger and frustration. My father who is in full mental capacity expects me to make decisions for both of them. I am the only child and the only other people I can talk to about it are my children who are both with their own families. I will join a support group for sure but right now, I'm at the loss. I know I'm venting and most people on this portal have the same issues. Thing is, I'm 63 years old and I am trying to handle my own life in my career best I can on my own. I don't think I can handle two grown up children who decided that they'll just dump everything on me while they're lay back and wait for me to do stuff for them. It's not going to happen.
If you are, then I would take them to their primary doctors, along with your PoA documents, and discretely request cognitive/memory tests. My bet is that you will be surprised at how poorly they do on the tests. You need to be in the room with them to witness it and also provide answers to the doctor's questions. Through their clinic portal, you should inform the doctor of their issues and that they really need assistance but your PoA criteria needs to be fullfilled. This means getting a diagnosis of sufficient impairment on the clinic letterhead, signed by the doctor. This is what I just recently did with my 95-yr old Mom. Doctors do this all the time and will be glad to accommodate you.
If your parents haven't assigned you as their PoA, this is an additional problem. They need to understand that if you aren't their PoA (and it should durable, not springing) then you legally won't be able to help them. Instead, eventually, a judge will assign a 3rd party guardian and it won't be you. Been there, done that with a SFIL.
For me, not being PoA would be a deal-breaker in helping them. You can tell them that they will need to have social workers come in to help them, but you can't and won't be jerked around. Of course, if they have cognitive problems then reason and logic won't work on them anyway. This is why the PoA needs to be activated.
I'm 65 and an only child/PoA to my single Mom who lives next door to me. I'm also PoA for her 105-yr old sister (in FL) who lives in her home with the help of 2 paid family caregivers. My husband is PoA for his Mom, in LTC on Medicaid, in a nice facility 3 miles from our house. Just saying it is possible to manage things, but does not mean you have to provide the hands-on help yourself. Just keep protecting your boundaries because for a while this will be a marathon, not a sprint.
STOP doing what you are doing (unless it is an emergency) and let them do for themselves and see how they fare.
You are enabling them to live "independently" so they think they don't need either help or AL.
Just because you are an only child DOES NOT mean that you are responsible for their care.
If you are enabling them in any way, like propping up their belief that they are still truly independent, by doing a lot for them, just stop already!
Your parents have lived their lives the way they wanted to thus far and you deserve to be able to live and enjoy yours the way you see fit as well, so let them be.
But don't worry....an "event" will eventually happen that will force them to have to change the way things are now.
Until then, step away and live and enjoy your life, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
A wise social worker from my County Area of Aging told me
“ STOP HELPING , Let them fail , it’s the only way to get them to accept help from someone other than family whether it be hired in home help or assisted living .”
BTW, their stubbornness , inability to deal with change or make decisions could very well be dementia .
And once they do, pick a place that is convenient for you. My cousin couldn't understand why I picked a place in PA, not South NJ where her mother lived....because her mother could visit him. Her mother would not be the person on call and have to drive hours in terrible traffic to handle something. It was hard enough bringing him home for a holiday and he was only 30 minutes away....and my relatives thought it would be a good idea to place him 2 hours from me so it would be convenient for them to visit. Do what works best for you.
So stop doing it. They already said no to all the work you did so let them figure it out.
The good news is that it is a great time to be old in our society because there are a lot more options for assistance for them to utilize. We have Walmart grocery delivery, Uber, cleaning services (which have always been around), Uber or Lyft that gives a reduced rate to take seniors to doctor appointments and so much more.
If you want them to move into an assisted living facility you have to step back and let them fail.
If you and yours do things for them to prop up their fantasy that they are still independent than it is going to take longer for them to accept their new reality and make changes to accommodate that new reality.
So how about you just walk away? Just stop doing for them. If they are in their right minds and still making their own decisions legally, leave them alone.
People have the 'Right to Rot' if they want to, so let them.
Let them wallow in their own asinine nonsense, stubbornness, selfishness, and fear of change. Then when a crisis happens (and one will) they will end up getting placed in a nursing home against their will by the state.
So, tell them this. That they can either shape up now and start being reasonable while they can still choose and make decisions for themselves, or you will bow out and leave them to it. Then when the health crisis or fall happens, you'll let the state handle it.
You've done your best for them. You can't fix this kind of nonsense. You just have to leave it alone.
Don't rule out dementia. Study up on it and you'll learn. Others on here have described how their LOs have dementia despite retaining certain faculties. Also, since your dad has had Covid, realize that a drop in cognition after Covid is not uncommon, especially in the elder. This is being studied both in the US and in Great Britain (Cambridge U.) Look it up. (This is why Covid is not 'just a cold" and we should try not to get it, BTW.) Cognition is not only memory but also executive function, etc.
There are many kinds of dementia. They don't all present in the same way. It's important for you to know the possibilities so that you don't move forward under the assumption that THEY CAN'T HAVE DEMENTIA! If they finally move into Assisted Living but one or the other needs memory care, you've got a whole 'nother problem on your hands. If you choose to continue to make their problems your own, that is.
I hope you find a good support group for yourself, and good luck.
I'm sorry you're having to deal your parents' indecisiveness and the stress it is causing you. I logged into the forum today to ask about how to deal with my parent's situation (my dad has had control issues since I've known him and my mom was diagnosed with dementia late last year so his controlling behavior has prevented me from being able to help), but there was your question at the top of the board. And, as I scrolled through the responses, I was reminded what my therapist told me after I spent a lot of money and gave up my life for a year to help them -- "You need to stop helping because your father needs consequences."
That was really hard for me to hear for various reasons, but ultimately, it is not the responsibility of children to help and especially when parents won't listen. The kindest thing parents can do for their children is to make sure plans are in place before aging issues arise. Don't lose you, your friends, and your health because they have unresolved issues. That being said, as others have mentioned, they both could have forms of cognitive impairment/ dementia. Even then, as hard it is, but as the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Joining a support group or seeing a therapist is a great idea.
I wish you all the best. Sending you a big hug and reminder that you're not alone.
Kinda like your folks want you to take over driving them, but Dad is still sitting in the driver's seat & refuses to hand over the keys.
You want to help but can't drive from where you are.
Indecisive. Fear of change. You see it - but what to do? I've put my thinking cap on & be back soon.
One of my favorite sayings..
You are done with Following along in indecision, the yes-we'll-sell - no-we-wont.
They won't let you Lead..
Which leaves Get out of the way. Hence all the stellar advice below, much from lived experience of this stage of life.
I am wondering 🤔. Of course moving will be overwhelming, especially as they have lived in one home so long, & again especially for more quiet or introverted folk.
What about sitting the folks down & discussing what they want - what they REALLY want.
My DH & I have downsize options laid out too. I've looked at many places & feel very indecisive too.
What we have come up with is:
- We want a safe area.
- Little or no stairs.
- Small but with enough space to move freely around if we needed a walker or wheelchair.
That's it.
I have already pre-decided I will like it! (I learnt that trick from elders that made this transition easily).
This may be the point at which you put your own foot down about the changing ‘plans’. Perhaps have a little ‘written contract’ between you and your parents, each time an option is more or less settled. If they try changing it, you back out of involvement in their ‘plans’.