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My spouse wants to go home most evenings or afternoons. In asking her about "home" she told me that it is where family and friends are located. The pandemic and her stroke distanced us from from most friends and most family live 1000 miles away. Love to hear what anyone else is doing. Thanks.

i was a Caregiver for my Mom. She suffered from Parkinson’s and dementia. She had hallucinations as well. We just went along with it. We being my Dad and I. She was here at home and she kept telling me she wanted to go “home”. Then started my Dad that. We would both answer her with “you are home, Mom”. The more she said it it was either Jesus or it finally came to me that Mom was taking about “her forever home”. To be honest it took me by surprise. I wasn’t ready to let my Mom go. Then I would be up a lot at night to give her medication and thought a lot and cried a lot. She wasn’t living life being bed bound. My Mom was always active and so much to fun to be around. She was my best friend. Anyways early one morning after my Dad got got I had the hardest talk I ever had with Mom. I told her I loved her so very much, thanked her for being my Mom, thanking her for bring me up with Faith. I told her I was being very selfish and wanted her to stay at her Earthly home, but I loved her enough to let her go to her Heavenly home. To join her family again in Heaven. I told her I was sorry that I kept telling her she was home when in fact she wasn’t quite to her Heavenly home. I told her I would take care of Dad for her not to worry. I told her I knew how much she wanted Jesus to come take her away. That I loved her enough to say Good-bye for now but I would see her again one day. So as what hospice called “Mom was transitioning from Earth to Heaven” Every day I would kiss her on the forehead and tell her to it’s okay to go with Jesus that I would miss her so very much but I wanted her to have her Heavenly body and in no more pain. She passed away two days later. I completely and totally lost myself in grief like she took apart of my heart with her. I cried three days solid. I was her baby girl. But “Home to her with family around meant her Heavenly home and be around those who passed on before her”. Maybe that might be what your Mom means too.
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Sha1911 May 26, 2024
This hit me hard and reaching for tissues.

My mom is a person of deep faith and I have tried to provide the same spiritual comfort for her as well. I'm thankful for the hospice chaplain who always knows the right things to say when I find myself at a loss for words.

God bless you and may you find comfort in the fact your mom is with Him and is no longer suffering.
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Here is a helpful video tool to help you to know what to do when your loved-one wants to go home:

https://youtu.be/tYNxcXLwZjA?si=7yqXbr7GsmHuhYAH
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Reply to NinjaWarrior3
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If at all possible ...say 'YES'! Take them home and set up in home care! I truly don't understand why people put them in these 'care' facilities. I've seen the neglect and abuse in them. Especially when no one is looking! There are programs available to help pay for in home care in every state. We have one called IRIS and it is wonderful. It is through Medicaid, but check to see what options are available and please consider granting her request!
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Sha1911 May 25, 2024
Numerous reasons why it's not possible someone can be set up with home care.

I don't know what this IRIS is that you keep mentioning but caregivers coming into the home have been responsible for neglect and abuse as well.
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It’s where they felt safe and secure.
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MikeinTexas May 26, 2024
I ask my wife, who has vascular dimensia, about home. She one time told me that it is where there are family and friends and it is safe. Sometimes there are hints of her childhood home, but it is not a specific building. We say that she can go, but I have to take her, as she cannot drive, when certain things are completed and then try to deflect or distract her. I try to make her feel safe and hug her often. Because she feels separated from family and friends, we are trying to have our children and other family to call her often. There are no right or wrong ways to deal with this. The answer is what will work for you.
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MikeinTexas: This is a common statement made by many patients and they aren't referring to a brick and mortar structure at all. Simply reassure her that she is where she needs to be. Continue to show love.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Mom always wanted to go home but she thought I was her sister and we were walking home from school.So sad it used to make me cry.
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The want to go home is insatiable. I lived with the Sundown Anxiety from my Great Grandmother, my grandmother, my mother and now I care for my aunt. I didn't want to give my mother psychotic drugs because they shorten life, so we both suffered for days on end from "I got' a get out of here"! Since then, when I care for my Auntie's Sundown Anxieties with medication, I realize I will want these (medications) too because I know my time will come! Thank God my husband knows what to expect.
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Reply to Mimsy1
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I think that everyone here, despite giving very different advice, is giving good advice. You have to see what helps your LO best.
When my mum was first diagnosed with vascular dementia, I was gentle but truthful. Now that she is far along in the disease, I use the therapeutic fib. There is no easy answer.
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You tell them they are home.
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This is why it is important that the furnishings be their own familiar posessions, not institutional, no matter how attractive. That beat up comforter they have used for 40 years is important to feeling in the right place. The same coffee mug, the same slippers, the pictures on the walls, even the chair they sit in can help establish familiarity. Try to arrange things (as much as possible) to resemble their "home." At least a corner of the room should be set up the way it used to be. Even if they were "home" it would be unfamiliar at times, but we do what we can to provide security.
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Reply to DrBenshir
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Can video links be available on the phone
not too much you can say apart from mum you’re not well so the doctors want you here where they can look after you BUT I am arranging a video call with xyz
there are conference facilities that can link many people calling in to the one call - maybe they are available linking people via mobile phones now?
just a thought - good luck
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Here is a cut and paste from my book "Dementia Care Companion" available from Amazon, on the question of wanting to go "home"...

“I Want to Go Home”

Over time, as it becomes harder to find the right words, the patient will rely increasingly on word substitutions. Sometimes, a word is just meant as a placeholder in a sentence, like saying “Give me my pants” when they want their shoes. At other times, it is the feeling behind the words, rather than their literal meaning, that is intended, for example, “I want to go home.”
When the patient says that they want to go home, this is not always due to confusion. Rather, the patient may be expressing a desire for love, peace, comfort, and security that they associate with home. When the patient feels anxious and isolated, when they feel that no one understands them, that everyone is reprimanding them, bossing them around, or asking them to do the impossible, “I want to go home” expresses a need for escape to a familiar shelter, a longing for the warmth and security that they associate with home.
·        Do not try to convince the patient that they are already home. Instead, look for the sentiment behind the words “I want to go home.”
·        Apply the techniques you’d use to get to the root cause of behavioral problems. Look for unmet needs, environmental issues, and problems with patient-caregiver interactions.
·        Are the patient’s basic needs being met? Is the patient hungry, thirsty, or in pain? Are they bored? Do they have an infection? Are they constipated, or do they need to go to the bathroom?
·        Is the environment comfortable? Is it too warm or too cold, too bright or too dark, too noisy, or crowded?
·        Are patient-caregiver interactions thoughtful and comforting? Does the patient feel safe? Do they feel loved, cared for, and accepted? Are they comforted with hugs, caresses, companionship, and words of encouragement?
·        Go with the flow and redirect. Say something like, “Okay, we’ll go soon,” and then distract the patient by doing something pleasant that takes their mind off of wanting to go home. 
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Knowwhat2do May 24, 2024
I will be using your suggestions for my husband who is in a care home and always wants to come home. His memory, for the most part, is good but with some short term memory loss.
I believe you are on target with the comments about making him feel loved and understood, while trying to have him "understand" that I can't take care of his needs adequately. He is 87 and I'm 76. Thank you for your insights, they will be very helpful in responding to "Home".
Diane
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When my mother, then age 94, lived in Oregon, about 1200 miles from me in CA, she often said she wanted to come back to our place she called Home. I listened to her but did not argue. I agreed she wanted to return. Then I changed the subject to another topic, and Mom forgot what she asked. This was in early to late 2014 before she passed.
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Wanting to go home, for an Alzheimer's sufferer, means she's wanting a place in time when life was easier and she was happy and content, more so than a brick and mortar building. They regress in time back to when they were young girls, so nothing looks familiar to them now. Which is why they forget people's faces sometimes....they're expecting to see a husband of 22 instead of an old man of 80, as he is today. Most of us with loved ones suffering from dementia know the begging of "I want to go home" even when they ARE home.


Your wife may be seeking physical or emotional comfort of some kind when she asks to go home. She cannot express what she needs in words, most likely, so some detective work on your part is required. Offer her a hug, a back rub, a cookie, a blanket, etc. See if she needs to use the bathroom.


Telling your wife she already IS home is the worst thing you can do because it's dismissing how she's feeling and reinforcing that her discomfort will not be addressed. If she doesn't recognize her environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.


The simple truth is not often recommended with dementia because we are applying OUR code of ethics to THEIR damaged brains which require and seek comfort to stay calm. Therapeutic Fibs are recommended as needed and shouldn't be looked as as "sinful lies" but common sense logic, given the disease at play.

If your wife is cognizant enough to do phone chats, perhaps a call to family and friends would help comfort her. Mild calming meds can work wonders during Sundowning in late afternoons. My mom did well with Ativan.

While Sundowning, my mother would tell me she was riding the subway (in Colo) to go home (to NYC) to see her parents and siblings (all long gone). I'd offer her her a snack or ask her to tell me about the house.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. It sounds like you're doing a great job!
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MikeinTexas May 24, 2024
Thank you.
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When most people with dementia say that they want to go home they're usually referring to their childhood home where they felt safe with their parents and yes even childhood friends.
You can either just say that honey you are home and change the subject, or perhaps show her pictures of her childhood home and family.
And if this is coming up in the late afternoons and early evenings, it's more than likely part of your wife's sundowning. You can talk to her doctor about that as there are medications that will help with that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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That is so difficult and I am sorry. I am pondering the same aspect since placing both parents in an ALF last month. They both will ask me repeatedly when I am taking them home and how much longer they have to stay there.

So far, I said it depends on when the doctor says they are strong enough to go home. Then I feel bad because they will then say they want physical therapy so they can get to that point of being "strong enough". So I think I need a different answer next time.

I like what Alva Deer stated. I think honesty is the best policy. It is also the one that we will never have to rehearse or prepare in advance. As I read what she stated, it seems to also be the one that makes me feel most peaceful about not misleading them or giving them false hope. While difficult, it is something that will not keep me awake at night ruminating over.

Also, as Alva said, I think there might also be an aspect about this that we want to make them happy and fix things and make everything alright for them. It is what we have always done. I think the reality is that this is now out of reach of what we can do. With dementia and having a progressive condition, I think will would go in endless circles chasing the unobtainable.

I do also like saying something about having moved before and made new friends before, so it can be done again. This IS home right now, and all the needed support is close by, and they are safe.

I also expect this is going to be a repeat question and answer exchange, so hope it rolls off my tongue a bit easier at some point.
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Reply to GingerMay
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The simply, honest, and HARD truth.
Caregiver- loved ones often take on a need to make their spouse or parent "happy". Sorry to say that is a burden that is best not assumed, because there is no "happy" in aging, dementia, and the losses that come with it. There's only enduring, and saving what we can.
The one thing that is owed us, I believe, is honesty. There will be grief when you are honest. And if this isn't worth grieving, I don't know what is.

So it's "Hon, this IS home for you now. Family is off on their own and all grown up or moved or left us for good. You need more care than I can give you at home; so this is home now, and I hope you can can make new friends here. That's something we've had to do before. I'm so sorry. I know you are sad and that makes me sad, too."

Do know that staff will likely tell you that it is the closest loved one, the caregiver, who the senior suffering dementia will most hit with the complaints of "Take me HOME". When you arrive you are seen as the savior. The one who can do it all for her. And you can't. That's the sad part.

I am so sorry and I wish you the best, but like so much in life, this just can't be fixed. It can only be endured and mourned.
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Dawn88 May 24, 2024
Alva, you need to write a book yourself. You are amazingly helpful to others. I live across the SF Bay, and would be honored to meet you someday.
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You can try diversion “let’s have a snack” or “how about putting this nice scented lotion on your hands” You can try putting off “that’s a good idea, we’ll do that soon” You can try going through pictures of loved ones and friends from times past, it may be comforting just to see faces. None of this may work. There may be a med to calm the anxiety if you want to ask her doctor. I wish you both peace
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