What to say when your mother calls you a f*****g b***h right after you just fed her a wonderful dinner?

Roger,

Keep your eyes focused on the end goal. You will get through this.

One day in the future you will look back at this time in your life as only a distant memory.

You can get through just about anything in life, knowing that it is a temporary situation.

Don’t give into despair and hopelessness. Place all of your energy into finding viable solutions.

Roger, have you checked into board and care homes?

I found them to have better patient/staff ratios and they were loads cheaper.

My dad's was a guarantee through end of life residency, 2 caregivers for 8 residents and he could have his little dog. (Obviously there were situations that would have resulted in eviction but, not just needing more care or being a pita)

Keep on keeping on, you got this.

I was astounded at the language my MIL began to use as she slid deeper and deeper into dementia.

The final nail in the coffin for 'our' relationship ended when she looked at me and sighed and said "Why don't you just get the F*** out of my house?"

Why not, indeed?

DH was sitting right there but unless someone is facing him when they talk he misses a lot.

After she'd said this, I looked at him and he said "what?". Realized he hadn't heard her.

So I grabbed a Diet Coke for the road, slapped MIL on the back and said "I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. You never have to see or speak to me again".

And she didn't.

It was not until DH was spending a lot of time with his mother that her filter finally just gave out. He'd come home and say "I cannot believe the stuff my mom says! Mouth like a sailor!"

It took 4 years, but he did come to believe me.

I don't think he 'norm' was foul mouthed, I didn't see it until the later years, but evidently when she and FIL were married they had some pretty profane battles.

Anyone who has taken on the huge responsibility of full time caregiving without seeking outside assistance is placing themselves at risk for burnout and worse. Their physical and emotional health will suffer in the long run.

Most posters on this thread realize that Roger should place his mom in a facility as soon as possible. He could hire others to help him while waiting for placement and look into adult daycare programs.

He is frustrated and overwhelmed with his responsibilities of being a full time caregiver.

Many people are wise enough to know that they should never be the primary caregiver for their family members.

Others find out the hard way that their family members need more care than they can possibly provide by themselves.

Lea wisely mentioned in a response that emotions can escalate into a dangerous situation. This is true.

Of course, people can lose their tempers occasionally, but if a person continually loses control over their emotions, it’s time to step aside and allow others to help at home or in a facility.

Does yelling at a person who has dementia help? Nope! Does it make you feel better? Not really. Does it raise your blood pressure? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely not.

Walking away and taking a well deserved break is more productive than screaming at them.

Most people who have screamed at their parents end up posting on the forum, saying that they wish they hadn’t screamed at someone suffering from dementia.

I can’t resist telling Alva who is a true crime follower about an extreme example of someone who ignored the fact that he was totally burned out to read about Bernie Tiede’s case.

Bernie was a mortician who became a caregiver for Marjorie Nugent in Carthage, Texas.

He’s serving a life sentence for murder.

They made a movie about Bernie Tiede, starring Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine and Mathew McConaughey.

It’s a quirky dark comedy. True crime buffs will find Bernie’s story fascinating.

You say nothing, and try to redirect it and then walk away to another room. This is a common behavior and WILL happen without notice so be aware. I have been called much worse by my mom and told that she wishes me dead. But, I keep it together knowing that this not who she is. Best of luck.

Roger ,
your mother no longer has a filter in her brain . If she was not a nice person before dementia , she’s likely not going to be nice with it . That’s what the doctor told me about my mother . I know you were working on getting Mom placed .
What is the status ?

It sucks when you try to make them happy and they turn around and “slap” you in the face. It hurts. Remember she isn’t the same kind person. It’s the disease. I would just walk away or take a drive and take a time out for myself when the verbal abuse started spewing. Breathe. you are doing your best.

I'll comment also. Roger asks in this post " What to say......?"

Thats irrelevent at this time. Roger posted a couple of weeks ago that he is at his wits end. Yesterday we get this post. At this point things are beyond "what to say". The question is now - "what to do "......
To me it appears that ROger and his Mom just should not live in the same house any more.

A number of us asked him questions on the last posts so that we can suggest the best way to do this but I'm not sure if all of that was clarified . eg POA status, financial ability to be placed etc. If its just not possible to have her move out, then what can be done to get some extra people into the house to help? Just Roger and Mom only seems to be going very badly

Roger

I told you last time you posted that I would not respond to your posts in future because you felt I was harsh.
I lied.
I will respond to this post. I find it extraordinary!

You tell us that you yelled back at your mother.
What concerns me is NOT that you broke, and yelled back at your mother WHO HAS DEMENTIA.
What concerns me is that you think that is RIGHT TO DO.

What worries me even more is that some here have told you that it IS right to do.
That you SHOULD yell at a mother who has dementia and has said something cruel (not only cruel but silly and meaningless, because unless you are a girl-named-Roger, she called you a "B***h" which means she can't even now get gender straight in her mind?)

It is not all right to yell at a person who is helpless due to dementia.
I am not saying we cannot be broken, but I am saying IF WE ARE we need to understand we are broken, apologize, examine ourselves and consider whether we are capable of giving quality 24/7 care to an elder who IS broken.
I think few of us, given human limitations can do so.

Human limitations means we WILL break in extraordinary circumstances.
But if we have not the humanity to know we broke, and to examine ourselves, then I am worried for our moral judgement.

I feel that you are currently in serious danger of being abusive to someone that you have decided to attempt to take care of 24/7. You have made many posts here complaining about your mother; I have seen little of love in your posts.
I advise you to examine yourself and to place your mother.
I am worried at this point for her safety if you think that your response to her was appropriate.

I am sorry you & your Mother are having such a hard time.

Did you move in permanently or is this temporary?

Take time to think about the responses to your posts instead of having a knee jerk reaction.

I know that you aren’t able to leave caregiving behind just yet. I personally know how hard it is to be a full time caregiver. I cared for my parents.

Is it possible for you to hire additional help so that you can get a break?

It’s very hard to endure caregiving for long periods of time without breaks.

I am concerned that you are going to burn out.

While it’s nice to be appreciated for our efforts, your mother doesn’t have the capability of being appreciative.

Your self worth shouldn’t depend on your mother’s opinion of you. Don’t allow your ego to get the better of you.

It takes courage to let go of expectations and resist the temptation to ‘one up’ the person who is getting on our nerves. Let go and be at peace.

Roger, I feel your pain. I was just about the start a thread in discussions about something similar. Not name calling. But snapping because my mom has been pushing my buttons too much lately.
Not diagnosed with dementia, the best showtimer out there.
She stays with me in my home and is very dependent on me for most everything.
But lately wanting to stay in bed and not drink water.
Im not a very good 'caregiver'.
I am a worthy person though. She is not doing anything to help herself. 😒 yes part of the broke brain.
What got me tonight was arguing with her. Yelling. And she made fun of me for apologizing the last time I got pissed. Because, you know normal people feel bad when they yell at old folks, right? Much more to my saga, just wanted to say. I would have and did say 'takes one to know one' like isthisreallyreal said. Oh, I guess she did call me a name. Bully.
I wish I could get my mom placed somewhere, before she takes me down with her.
Peace and good luck to you.

Hi Roger - I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also sorry to say that I know how that feels because I've been called that by my father (and he doesn't have dementia - he's called names his entire life). I understand it feels like a sucker-punch when a parent speaks to you like that. It takes your breath away.

Sending well wishes - and positive energy your way ~

I had a similar experience took My Dad to a festive Place with Christmas trees and Open Fire Ovens- Good northern Italian establishment . Best Thanksgiving Meal I Ever Had - I thought we Had Fun. We were sitting On the Porch and he was making a face and I said " What is wrong ? " He said " I am Bored . " My feelings were hurt . Then he wanted a Christmas tree . I cooked Christmas dinner and he said " I am not hungry " So I ate alone . We Can not make them happy Nor is it Our Job . Just Ignore the remarks .

dont say anything back. Walk out of the room for a while

Her brain is broken. She can't learn anything new. She can't retain something you told her or she said five minutes ago.

You know all this already. So that being said when she calls you an 'F-ing b*tch' try this. Look her in the face and tell to go 'F-herself' and that you can put her into a nursing home any time you want. Then ignore her for the rest of the night. Perhaps she won't remember you telling her this, but you will sure feel better. If she does remember you saying this, that's a win and she isn't as far gone as you may have thought. I used to have an old lady client with dementia where the two of us would just swear at each other back and forth while I changed her diapers, washed her, dressed her, etc... Sometimes this works.

Years back when I was a supervisor at an AL, there was a resident who whenever I was going by she's say out loud to whoever was around. 'There goes that fat b*tch (my actual name)'. Usually she'd follow up with some kind of other insult or another.
I walked away all but one time. Everyone has a breaking point and no one has an unlimited supply of patience.

So I turned around, backed her against a wall and told her to repeat what she said to me. She got very flustered and upset and said that she didn't say anything to me. I told her if she ever said anything about me again, she'd be very sorry she did.

After that she never said a word when I went by. In fact, she'd usually go the other way if she saw me coming. She would not go on any of the outings or shopping trips if it was my day to ride with the residents on our bus.

She avoided me for a year. She had been diagnosed with cognitive decline and dementia. That's why her family moved her into AL. Yet, she still possessed enough mental faculties to never speak to me or around me again after she was confronted. Sometimes, they'll surprise you.

The next time your mother says something like that to you, give it right back to her and see what happens. She might surprise you.

Funky is right. Your Moms brain is dying little by little. S the Dementia hits each part of the brain, it dies. Until it hits the part that controls the heart and breathing. When that part dies so will Mom.

You can't teach a person with Dementia they can't retain new information. You can expect them to understand consequences. Its what it is and if its hard for you to deal with, place Mom in a nice Memory Care on her dime or in a nice Long-term facility that takes Medicaid.

I would say it takes one to know one and walk away. Let her think about it.

I would tell both my parents that I bet they wish they had raised me better when they started with the personal attacks. I just own that people have their own opinions and ya know, they are like behinds, everyone has one and many of them stink. I don't have to get sucked in by their nonsense and neither do you with your ungrateful, unappreciative, mean mouth mom.

Find ways to give it back to her, walk away and find humor for yourself in the craziness of her broken brain.

Roger, Roger, Roger,...you don't say anything. You just let it roll right off your back.
When are you going to realize that your moms brain is broken, and get her placed in the appropriate facility?
You cannot take anything she says anymore serious. This is the disease speaking and not your mom. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be.
And the sooner you get back to your own home and family the better off you'll be as well.

It sucks , and it's hard, know your self worth on the inside. Know in your heart that you are doing as much as you can with what you are dealing with , and know that your moms thoughts are not right,

You can just walk away, or you can say something, she may get it she may not ,

But work on your self esteem so you know your worth, and what others think of you, even your mom won't bother you as much.

This caregiving stuff can be just as much about improving your mental and emotional health, to be a better caregiver, a stronger person . It's as much about you as it is about your mom. You can't do a good job at this if you don't work on yourself too

Stop trying to please your mother. It's never going to happen. Hopefully you place her in a facility before she destroys you mentally and physically.

What to say? Say nothing.

That's not the real question is it.

Do you want to know how to make your Mother more grateful & say thankful to you?

To act nicer & say nicer things to you.
To sleep at night so you can too.
To stop hoarding stuff.
To overall just be easier to look after?

That must have really hurt. 😞 I’m very sorry you’re going through this. If she has dementia, her brain is broken, unfortunately.

Roger, in your other post on April 8, 2024, you mentioned your mother’s hoarding problem but nothing about her age and her mental status. Does your mother suffer from dementia or does she have mental issues? I know that hoarding is a type of mental illness. Did something happened that day that triggered her to curse at you? Does your mother have any animosity against you? It’s very strange that after giving her a wonderful dinner, which she enjoyed, your mother would unexpectedly cursed you.

Your mother needs to be seen by her doctor for a checkup because this is not normal behavior.

Sometimes when my mother said nasty things to me, I'd tell her that I don't need to be there if she's going to insult me, and I'd go outside for a walk. She was typically much nicer when I returned, and she even apologized for being mean to me a couple of times.

Pretend you didn't hear. Your mother is not rational. So sometimes it is best not to respond because it just makes the situation worse.

Journal what you wanted to say to her on paper. Getting those feelings out will help.

I used to write letters to my mother that I never gave her to read. It would help me . Then I would burn the letters in the fireplace.

You did the right thing by biting your tongue. My Mom says things that are so unlike her (the ‘her’ before dementia). Some are very hurtful and I have learned over the years to just ignore or walk away. It didn’t come easy at first but I guess I got numb to it. She is sick and I try to remember my Mom before this dreadful disease. I’m sorry because I know how you are feeling.

Damn, Roger, I’m sorry that happened to you.