What triggers Dad's dementia ups and downs?

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What triggers Dad's dementia ups and downs?

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My father has dementia but lives at home with my mother and he can generally handle day-to-day tasks such as getting himself showered, helping around the house and yard. My mother is very depressed and, I think, verbally abusive to him. She also drinks. Some days (or multiple days) she drinks and spends most of the day in a napping fog in an easy chair or closed off in the bedroom. I have noticed a pattern over 2 years: she ramps up the verbal abuse, drinking and napping. He starts to get confused about who she is and where she's been. He starts to refer to the "New Mary" and the "Old Mary", and the "Big Mary" and the "Little Mary", thinking there are two of them, and this new, nasty one is not his wife. Then he gets paranoid, calls her a scam artist who is squatting in his home, asks what happened to his wife, and then is prone to wandering. Does it seem reasonable that her behavior could send him into these confused states? Otherwise, he scrambles names but is not generally confused about who family members are in relation to himself. This pattern started in 2015. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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I noticed my Father's mood is affected by TV shows, other people's moods, and the amount of sleep and diet. But when his caretaker is in a bad mood and is upset about dealing with care he gets upset too. He tells her to leave him alone and talks back which escalates to a fight. Care is a big enough job but dealing with everyone's mood makes it harder. A caregiver suggested keeping the Hallmark channel on, playing music, making sure you smile when talking to them because sometimes they don't grasp everything that is said but the understand facial expressions and tone.

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You didn't say how old your parents are, but I think they both may have dementia. The stress of caring for him may be way too much for her. Sometimes when my meds are not right, like from a different company with different fillers, I find taking care of mom is just too much. Had to get my meds straight and now I am okay. I am in my 70's and mom is 97.

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As Sunnygirl stated. 'not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker of a person who has dementia'. My father-in-law has memory loss, and is hard of hearing. My mother-in-law says he is confused, but speaking with him, I do not get that, but that he does mot make good decision because of not remembering some of the factors. On the other hand, I assess that my MIL makes poor decisions with all the facts, but denies cognitive problems, (her husband and daughter say she never could make good decisions) but she wants to care for my FIL. When she does has a night where she can't sleep. It is very noticeable; my FIL is depressed and she is abnormally affectionate. If we are alone on these days, he often tells me she has been nasty to him. They do not want to leave their home. Fortunately, they are able to afford home health care. This has improved both of their emotional and cognitive status. She can still feel like she is caring for him, and the caregivers are able to diffuse any frustrations.

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You have 2 people with depression.
Your Mom, she is loosing the man she fell in love with, the man she married and had children with.
Your Dad, how can anyone that has any form of dementia NOT be depressed at some level.
Your Mom is "medicating" herself with alcohol.
Your Dad is right...there are 2 women in the house. And that makes it even more confusing for a man that is slowly loosing bits and pieces of his mind.
If there is a way you can get your Mom to see a doctor that will treat both the alcohol and the depression that might help.
If it can not be or she does not want help maybe the best thing for your Dad would be to place him in Memory Care facility where he will get consistent care. All I can tell you is that this will get worse not better. Statistics show that often the Caregiver dies before the person that they are caring for doe. This is due to stress and the fact that Caregivers do not take care of themselves. So it is very possible that your Mom with pass before your Dad based on alcohol abuse and not taking care of herself.
This must not be easy for you to watch both parents disappear. I hope you can get through to your Mom.

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For my Dad it was triggered by stress.

If there was a nurse and a therapist in the home on the same day..the stress was too much for him and he would go off like a fire cracker. You could see it building up.

Also, when he got tired he would slide off into a fantasy world.

Sadly, his fantasy world was not nice place... paranoia and panic. Full "sundown" in other words.

There really wasn't any way to keep all stress away. He would get stressed out if he didn't understand what was being said around him, even when he was not part of the conversation. He would be stressed if he was not the center of attention. With Mom recovering from a stroke and having speech therapist in the home every day...by 3pm each day it was a mad house.

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When my dad was dying of heart failure, the home healthcare nurse was called in and set up a way for dad to shower on a bench in the bathroom, he was not allowed to go downstairs to that shower. she removed the throw rugs. As soon as she left mom would put the house back together the way she liked it. Dad would sit on the stairs to go down one step at a time to shower. I didn't know that was happening till I went back to their state to help them. I really wanted to bring them both here, but neither wanted to go. Their house was paid for and they had savings too, but they wanted to do nothing different. Change is the scariest thing for older people. After he died, my son moved in to help take care of my mom. But it was too much for him, and he brought her to me much against her wishes. She has been cared for well by us, but she isn't easy to work with because her dementia has progressed a lot. She doesn't want her hair fixed or cut, hates the shower. But is still have to do these things, but it takes a lot out of me. I hire home care so my husband and I can get away every few months, but she seems like a scared cat when I get home. It is just hard. Good luck.

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The type of behavior that you describe often occurs in people who have dementia, not matter where they are residing. However, what would really concern me is the supervision that dad is not getting him. He may be able to perform some of his daily activities, but, he still needs supervision and support. Plus, he doesn't need verbal abuse from her. I wonder if she understands how dementia works and that his name calling and delusions are not his fault. While mom may be overwhelmed and sad about his progression, he still requires proper care. I'd discuss it with her to see what needs to be done. I'd have to insist that he get better care.

People with dementia have good days and not so good days. And sometimes they have sun downers behavior, where they seem to become more confused or agitated in the afternoon. He likely isn't feeling too good about things if mom is not supporting him or calling him names.

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God bless you all!
Caring for my Mom with Alzheimer's and my MIL with dimintia was the hardest thing I've ever done ! They were totally different.

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Upstream, look up capgras syndrome. This is an identified specific kind of delusion where the person believes that something familiar, like a spouse or an apartment or the kitchen, etc. has been replaced by an impostor.

I have not had any experience with this, but I've heard others talk about it in support group. One member reports that her husband will say, "You're not my real wife. Send her in here right now!" Sometimes if she leaves the room and comes back with a sweater on, or some slight difference to her appearance he will accept her as genuine!

In your poor dad's case, his wife really is sometimes not herself!

I just mention capgras to point out that there really is something in the brain that can cause this.

Could you possibly negotiate with your dad? You'll support him staying with his wife IF he will allow help into the house. Between his dementia and his wife, he might have a real hard time doing this, but it is worth a try. If you can get him to agree to this, have a discussion with both of your parents (when Mom is sober.) Ask Dad if he is willing to have help come in. Ask if he wants Mom to cooperate with that.

Is there any non-family member they might listen to? Long term friends? Their insurance agent? A clergy person? Someone they used to play bridge with? Do you know of any of their friends who have help coming in? Any who have moved to assisted living? Often family, especially adult children (who are still seen as children) are not taken seriously but a peer might be.

Keep in touch here.

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Don't expect this to get better, as it will get worse. Two people have dementia.

What triggers Dad's dementia ups and downs?

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