My mother has dementia after several strokes in 2010 two yrs ago broke her hip … after surgery I became her caretaker. She has home attendants daily for 10 hrs a day while I work. They thoroughly clean & feed her. I make sure of it. I don’t trust a soul to bathe her I do it with aides help 2x a week. I wash her clothes daily doesn’t bother me at all. I clean her, bathe her and wash her up as if I were washing myself soap water washcloth all fresh and clean. She doesn’t like it & complains but I’m gentle and after she looks & smells great. I give her no choice 😁
No air freshener will solve this issue. You either live in a smelly house, and sleep in another room, or find a way to promote personal healthy hygiene.
Find out why the person is refusing to bathe. There may be an opportunity for problem solving there. You haven't given very much information. Burntcaregiver suggests moving them to a nursing home, but no way for any of us to know if that is appropriate for your situation.
You can mitigate the odors with fresh air; keep a window open. And you can clean the clothing and bedding frequently. Vinegar in the wash helps to dissolve the proteins and minerals that our bodies secrete. Hot water, soap and vinegar. It cleans well and neutralizes the odors of sweat and urine.
1) How to deal with a spouse who refuses to bathe for weeks? 2) Why does my spouse refuse to bathe for weeks?
They may not perceive a need to bathe or may find it a cold, uncomfortable experience. If people regard bathing as scary, embarrassing, unpleasant or uncomfortable, they may communicate their discomfort by verbally and/or physically resisting attempts to bathe.
REFUSAL TO BATHE is a common behavior in people with dementia. Bathing can become scary as dementia progresses. Since bathing is a personal activity, the recommended approach is to be sensitive, tactful and respectful of the person's dignity and sense of modesty.
See website: https://www.caregiver.org/resource/bathing-dementia/
In part, it says:
Bathing (for dementia) / By Family Caregiver Alliance
People with dementia are often resistant to bathing. They will claim they just showered, or that they will do it later, or outright refuse to bathe.
Unless someone is incontinent, daily bathing is not necessary. Pick your battles—once or twice a week may be sufficient.
Coupling bathing with an activity is sometimes helpful, e.g. going to the doctor or out to lunch or having a bowl of ice cream.
If someone is used to a shower, don’t try to convert him/her to a bath and if used to a bath, don’t start giving showers. A sponge bath during the week at the sink may be sufficient, if supervised by you. Use non-rinse soap products to make the process easier.
Allow person to get into the bathtub with only a little water in it, and fill it up after he/she is comfortable. If using a bathtub, be sure you feel comfortable in getting the person out of the bathtub at the end of the bath.
Fear of bathing may be related to a number of factors such as fear of falling, fear of the water, fear of being cold, loss of dignity in being naked in front of you, or feeling vulnerable in the coldness of a bathroom.
Make sure the bathroom is warm to initiate bathing. Have everything ready ahead of time, such as towels, shampoo, a chair to sit on when dressing, and clothes to put on after bathing. Consider a towel warmer and towel blanket to wrap the person in after bathing.
Use a pre-existing opportunity to start undressing, such as when someone is sitting on the toilet and has clothes partly off anyway. Or in the morning when changing out of sleeping clothes. However, sometimes you will be more successful if you wait until the afternoon when you might not have other things to do and you can approach bathing in a slower, calmer manner.
Install grab bars, non-skid mats, a shower bench, handheld shower head, or bath stool to reassure the person you are bathing, to make your job easier, and to allow for greater safety and independence.
Use shampoo/conditioner combinations so as to only have to rinse the hair once. Liquid soap can make it easier to apply soap and only needs one hand to apply. Allow your loved one to do as much as possible for himself/herself. This increases dignity and independence. Giving step-by-step instructions can help. Any way you can provide privacy will help.
Adjust the water temperature. Someone with dementia may not sense whether the water is too hot or too cold. Monitor the temperature throughout the bathing process.
If the person you are bathing becomes agitated, have soothing music, sing a song together, or interact in a way so as to distract him/her from the fear. Even offering a favorite cookie can be a distraction.
Adjust shower pressure so it is as soft as possible. People with dementia might feel the “sting” of shower water as a threat.
Dry the person while they are seated so as to reduce fear of falling in the person as well as yourself. Pat dry instead of rubbing to protect delicate skin. From this position, it will be easier to start the dressing process.
Daily bathing or showering is not necessary that is true, but daily washing up and clean clothes are.
The person with dementia does not get to decide whether or not they will get washed up or have clean clothes. When a person is at a point where they smell and are in dirty clothes but don't even notice, they're mind is pretty far gone. So others have to decide for them.
Hygiene care is non-negotiable. It must be done for the person's own health and safety. No playing games about it.
I agree with you about having the person do as much for themselves as possible. Maintaining any independence is so important.
I'm all for the bribing with a cookie or some other treat if it helps to get the hygiene care done smoothly. When the person is hygiene-resistant and stubborn to begin with, this usually doesn't work.
So then it's the other way. Wearing the person down until they get compliant with the hygiene care. No tv, no snacks, no conversation other than them getting washed up, and no other attention. Sometimes even this doesn't work and you have to get downright demanding and a little unpleasant.
No family caregiver can be expected to put this often necessary approach into practice. That wouldn't be right or fair to them when they're with the person 24/7. This is what hired help is for.
What also works with exceptionally stubborn to get it done with as little resistance and tantrums as possible, is to have their spouse agree with them. I've told many an old wife and husband to blame me for why the hygiene care has to get done. Complaining together about the caregiver makes it easy to get the care done because it's seen as 'just getting it over with'. I never cared what dementia clients thought of me. Hygiene care is a job that has to get done.
This practical advise is not researched. It comes from BurntCaregiver who did it for 25 years.
I can understand wanting to spend time with a Spouse, when they are unwell, or maybe this is a hospice end of life type situatuon. But I would go for quality time over quantity time.
I would speak to his medical team about how to improve his hygiene.
I would set up a bed for myself in another room. So I could sleep & rest adequately.
gtn1952: The real issue at hand is that your spouse needs a cognitive test to determine why he is not showering or bathing. Wherein lies the point of masking malodor?
In addition to trying wax melts , or essential oils , you may want to try an air purifier, especially if it’s too cold or hot outside to open a window .
Consider help coming in to the home to get him to shower.
What they really need to try is a homecare aide who will not back down that will force the spouse to take regular showers or at least regular sponge baths and into clean clothes.
There's no choice to be made. It's either be clean or get placed. Masking the disgusting stink will not help it. There's a person with dementia who needs other people to do the things they need because they can't do it themselves anymore. Hygiene care is not a decision or a choice.
we have wandered away from the actual question. I am sure GTN knows hygene is paramont, but it appears she can not get her husband to cooperate for some reason. Perhaps he is obese, angry,, who knows. And perhaps they only have one bedroom and no resources for outside placement or aides? As to things that can help mask the odor, I also like the wax melts. And oil diffusers. And try to open the windows when you can. Best of luck with this.
Actually, if I get to that point, I hope that my Final Exit is imminent! I'm big on cleanliness so it would be a HUGE issue for me if either me or my husband were unable to maintain basic personal hygiene.
KNance, I am quite certain Medicare does not cover this or most other in-home services except immediately post-surgery. Some home care services may be covered by Medicaid.
My brother hasn’t had a bath / shower, for over 4 years now he’s in a diaper,s 247 and depends on his caregivers to clean him up, he is in a wheelchair and can only use his urinal when he’s in bed the even then he still pees in the two diapers and xtra pad . I used to do the cleaning up for him for 4 months, 2 months just me , but I couldn’t do it anymore because of the smell and his attitude . He now pays two women that come in the morning for a few hours and evenings , they wear mask and the one in the morning even wears a plastic safety mask over the cloth face mask because of the overnight amount of urine he puts out he’s 74 and in wheelchair he can only walk when he gets help from a therapist on a walker. But even then he’s sitting in the wheelchair from 9 am till 7 pm . I spray Lysol and try not to be around him when he’s comes in from sitting down at the club house he doesn’t care about his health or if he smells the caretakers get paid to just clean him up and feed him dress him put him to bed,? Maybe it’s time for outside help? Maybe a psychiatrist. After he had 2 strokes and fell and injured his back his health is going downhill ,,, can anyone relate?
I am struggling to visit my LO due to odours. I visit less, stay less time. It is a shame. Support workers help with showers, home is keep clean, clothes washed, floors mopped, bins out out etc but still odours remain.
Products to mask the stench is not the solution. Finding out WHY your spouse refuses to bathe for weeks IS. Dementia is the most common reason. A full medical and cognitive exam is in order here.
As a 56 yr old male caregiver to my mother. I would never allow this not bathing. That's just not an option. Its a health concern as much as a "bad odor". I allow mom to do as much as she can (her pvts etc) but the areas she cannot do- I wash etc. I make it as comfortable as possible and as fast as possible without being rushed. Warm bathroom, clothes ready towels ready etc. If and when I can ot do this any longer I will enlist an aide or someone who can. Hygiene is a must. I'm sorry you are going through this but masking and pacifying is not going to work.
Well said, Lwayne. Masking and pacifying does not work. Daily hygiene care is a must not just because it's gross when someone smells and is dirty, but because it's a health hazard to them too.
HI gtn - wow, that must be problem. At the very least, you may want to buy a spray body cleanser - this is for your husband's use. There are many brands sold on Amazon - for elderly people with incontinence issues. He should at least use this as a means of cleaning himself and it doesn't require water - it's antibacterial cleaning spray for the body. And I hope he's changing his clothes and wearing clean clothes. Otherwise, trying to find something for the bedroom to mask the smell isn't going to work - it's like putting a band-aid on the problem!
I couldn’t accept the refusal and I couldn’t sleep in a room with it. I’d hire a bath aide who’s experienced in the “tricks of the trade” and make it happen
Air Freshner only masks the order. I would find a way to get this person in a shower. Don't ask. My daughter, RN, tries to make her residents think they have made the decision. "Mrs Smith, wouldn't it be nice to feel fresh and clean and have clean fresh clothes" Hopefully, they say yes.
Is your shower/tub easily accessible? If a tub, there are bars that go over the side. There are handle type bars you can buy that have suction to fit on the wall. A shower chair is good. Handheld shower head a plus. Water warm not hot. The bathroom warm. I used a portable heater to get Moms warmed up.
If you do the washing, suds up real good using a bath spong or puff and then use the shower head to rinse. For private areas, I just had Mom stand up, facing the wall and holding onto the rail, placing her legs apart, I usedva washcloth with soap to clean the rectum area and then used the shower head to rinse the area and the vigina area, I never used soap there. I had a handtowel on the toilet seat and had her sit down there so I could dry her off. I dressed her in the bathroom where it was warm.
In ALs and nursing homes, residents are bathed 2x a week. There are wipes that can be used for in between. Mom has a BO problem so between baths I would wash her underarms and put on deoderant.
Maybe you can see if there is an aide willing to bath ur LO. Sometimes they are willing to let someone else help.
Find out why the person is refusing to bathe. There may be an opportunity for problem solving there.
You haven't given very much information. Burntcaregiver suggests moving them to a nursing home, but no way for any of us to know if that is appropriate for your situation.
You can mitigate the odors with fresh air; keep a window open. And you can clean the clothing and bedding frequently. Vinegar in the wash helps to dissolve the proteins and minerals that our bodies secrete. Hot water, soap and vinegar.
It cleans well and neutralizes the odors of sweat and urine.
1) How to deal with a spouse who refuses to bathe for weeks?
2) Why does my spouse refuse to bathe for weeks?
They may not perceive a need to bathe or may find it a cold, uncomfortable experience. If people regard bathing as scary, embarrassing, unpleasant or uncomfortable, they may communicate their discomfort by verbally and/or physically resisting attempts to bathe.
REFUSAL TO BATHE is a common behavior in people with dementia. Bathing can become scary as dementia progresses. Since bathing is a personal activity, the recommended approach is to be sensitive, tactful and respectful of the person's dignity and sense of modesty.
See website: https://www.caregiver.org/resource/bathing-dementia/
In part, it says:
Bathing (for dementia) / By Family Caregiver Alliance
People with dementia are often resistant to bathing. They will claim they just showered, or that they will do it later, or outright refuse to bathe.
Unless someone is incontinent, daily bathing is not necessary. Pick your battles—once or twice a week may be sufficient.
Coupling bathing with an activity is sometimes helpful, e.g. going to the doctor or out to lunch or having a bowl of ice cream.
If someone is used to a shower, don’t try to convert him/her to a bath and if used to a bath, don’t start giving showers. A sponge bath during the week at the sink may be sufficient, if supervised by you. Use non-rinse soap products to make the process easier.
Allow person to get into the bathtub with only a little water in it, and fill it up after he/she is comfortable. If using a bathtub, be sure you feel comfortable in getting the person out of the bathtub at the end of the bath.
Fear of bathing may be related to a number of factors such as fear of falling, fear of the water, fear of being cold, loss of dignity in being naked in front of you, or feeling vulnerable in the coldness of a bathroom.
Make sure the bathroom is warm to initiate bathing. Have everything ready ahead of time, such as towels, shampoo, a chair to sit on when dressing, and clothes to put on after bathing. Consider a towel warmer and towel blanket to wrap the person in after bathing.
Use a pre-existing opportunity to start undressing, such as when someone is sitting on the toilet and has clothes partly off anyway. Or in the morning when changing out of sleeping clothes. However, sometimes you will be more successful if you wait until the afternoon when you might not have other things to do and you can approach bathing in a slower, calmer manner.
Install grab bars, non-skid mats, a shower bench, handheld shower head, or bath stool to reassure the person you are bathing, to make your job easier, and to allow for greater safety and independence.
Use shampoo/conditioner combinations so as to only have to rinse the hair once. Liquid soap can make it easier to apply soap and only needs one hand to apply.
Allow your loved one to do as much as possible for himself/herself. This increases dignity and independence. Giving step-by-step instructions can help. Any way you can provide privacy will help.
Adjust the water temperature. Someone with dementia may not sense whether the water is too hot or too cold. Monitor the temperature throughout the bathing process.
If the person you are bathing becomes agitated, have soothing music, sing a song together, or interact in a way so as to distract him/her from the fear. Even offering a favorite cookie can be a distraction.
Adjust shower pressure so it is as soft as possible. People with dementia might feel the “sting” of shower water as a threat.
Dry the person while they are seated so as to reduce fear of falling in the person as well as yourself. Pat dry instead of rubbing to protect delicate skin. From this position, it will be easier to start the dressing process.
This tip sheet was prepared by Family Caregiver Alliance. ©2012
researched by Gena / Touch Matters
Daily bathing or showering is not necessary that is true, but daily washing up and clean clothes are.
The person with dementia does not get to decide whether or not they will get washed up or have clean clothes. When a person is at a point where they smell and are in dirty clothes but don't even notice, they're mind is pretty far gone. So others have to decide for them.
Hygiene care is non-negotiable. It must be done for the person's own health and safety. No playing games about it.
I agree with you about having the person do as much for themselves as possible. Maintaining any independence is so important.
I'm all for the bribing with a cookie or some other treat if it helps to get the hygiene care done smoothly. When the person is hygiene-resistant and stubborn to begin with, this usually doesn't work.
So then it's the other way. Wearing the person down until they get compliant with the hygiene care. No tv, no snacks, no conversation other than them getting washed up, and no other attention. Sometimes even this doesn't work and you have to get downright demanding and a little unpleasant.
No family caregiver can be expected to put this often necessary approach into practice. That wouldn't be right or fair to them when they're with the person 24/7. This is what hired help is for.
What also works with exceptionally stubborn to get it done with as little resistance and tantrums as possible, is to have their spouse agree with them. I've told many an old wife and husband to blame me for why the hygiene care has to get done. Complaining together about the caregiver makes it easy to get the care done because it's seen as 'just getting it over with'. I never cared what dementia clients thought of me. Hygiene care is a job that has to get done.
This practical advise is not researched. It comes from BurntCaregiver who did it for 25 years.
I would speak to his medical team about how to improve his hygiene.
I would set up a bed for myself in another room. So I could sleep & rest adequately.
Consider help coming in to the home to get him to shower.
What they really need to try is a homecare aide who will not back down that will force the spouse to take regular showers or at least regular sponge baths and into clean clothes.
There's no choice to be made. It's either be clean or get placed. Masking the disgusting stink will not help it. There's a person with dementia who needs other people to do the things they need because they can't do it themselves anymore.
Hygiene care is not a decision or a choice.
No playing games about hygiene. Its either be showered (or at least washed up) and clea clothes daily or it's placement in a care facility.
You know, when a person gets to the point where they are refusing to be clean that's usually when it's time for nursing home/memory care placement.
No unbathed spouse-in-the-house.
I'm sorry you are going through this but masking and pacifying is not going to work.
Hoping things improve!
If you are unable to care for a senior to the extent that you cannot get him or her to bath or to allow bathing then it is time to consider placement.
Is your shower/tub easily accessible? If a tub, there are bars that go over the side. There are handle type bars you can buy that have suction to fit on the wall. A shower chair is good. Handheld shower head a plus. Water warm not hot. The bathroom warm. I used a portable heater to get Moms warmed up.
If you do the washing, suds up real good using a bath spong or puff and then use the shower head to rinse. For private areas, I just had Mom stand up, facing the wall and holding onto the rail, placing her legs apart, I usedva washcloth with soap to clean the rectum area and then used the shower head to rinse the area and the vigina area, I never used soap there. I had a handtowel on the toilet seat and had her sit down there so I could dry her off. I dressed her in the bathroom where it was warm.
In ALs and nursing homes, residents are bathed 2x a week. There are wipes that can be used for in between. Mom has a BO problem so between baths I would wash her underarms and put on deoderant.
Maybe you can see if there is an aide willing to bath ur LO. Sometimes they are willing to let someone else help.
Febrez too.