We were called today by the caregivers of my 94 year old mother in-law living in a nursing home. She is nearing the end of her life. We will be making the trip tomorrow to see her. What do you say to someone who is reaching the end of their life? She is bedridden, and in severe pain. Our relationship has been from afar, not a close one, not for any reason other than we live too far from each other. I want to say something to comfort her. I just don't know what.
My best to you during this period
I have it ahead of me. I hope everyone feels meaningful and they have made a difference.
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https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/comfort-the-dying
I was very calm.
I said, “It’ll all be over soon. We’re all here for you, and we love you very much. Know that you don’t need to say anything. We know you love us. Just know that if you’ve had enough, it’s okay to go. It’ll all be over soon.”
Everyone else was bawling like she had already died, which made the room chaotic and too emotional. Save your tears for later.
Maybe consider playing some of her favorite music. If she is in a lot of pain, it can help be a welcome distraction.
Be strong. It’s hard, but there’s plenty of time to cry and fall apart afterward.
I didn't know her very well but, I wanted to comfort her. Her family wouldn't visit because she had MRSA and C-Diff. So I just put lotion on her arms and legs and sang songs while doing it. Telling her that she was going to a place where she would no longer be in pain and she would be happy and young again.
The nurses asked me to stay with her because that was the only time she wasn't agitated. She was unconscious but she knew when I was there and it was a comfort for her.
I would remember good times you shared with her, what a great man she raised and touch her lovingly while applying lotion, even if you can only tough her hands or head. Human touch from someone that loves you is comforting.
May The Lord lead guide and direct you during this transition. May your MIL have a peaceful passing.
She gets out a couple of words and she doesn’t remember what she wanted to say.
I pray that is how I cope. I would not want to live that way.
I know it’s the natural progression of life.
Stay strong and take care of yourself with good sleep and exercise.
We had quiet music and a photo frame loaded with family pictures. Dad enjoyed watching those pictures, while we all reminisced. He listened, and he smiled until he couldn’t any longer.
When my mother in law was passing away, we also recalled lots of funny stories as we surrounded herd. She loved to sing. So we sang to her a lot of old songs and hymns.
We were very exhausted physically and emotionally on both occasions; make sure that you both take care of each other during this time.
Talk to her just as you would on any visit.
Tell her what you have been doing, what the kids have been doing.
Read to her if you wish.
Please realize that the visit does not have to be long as a matter of fact if she is at EOL she may be sleeping and you should let her sleep. Before yo uvisit you might want to call the Skilled Nursing Facility and ask when the best time of day is for her. If it is morning make your visit in the morning, if it is late afternoon go then.
Just tell her you love her, she will be missed and you'll see her in Heaven.
Tell her she was a great Mother in law and thank her for her wonderful son that you married.
Let her know she lived a good life and it's ok to go to sleep in Jesus and not be in pain anymore and when she wakes up ya'll will all be together again in Heaven.
Pray the Lord's prayer with her.
You might also play a favorite song of hers.
When it was my Dad’s time, 11 months later, his last words validated everything I did for him. I told him it was okay to go as my Mom was waiting for him. He thanked me and told me he loved me, something he never said. He told me to go home and rest as he was tired and was going to sleep. He never spoke another word.
My point is every situation is different. Find comforting words or music. Talk about your wonderful memories together. Know that whatever you do, finding peace and comfort for yourself is also very important.
Most important let her know you are with her and you love her. If she was a hugger/toucher, then hold her hand. Even if she wasn't, a pat on the hand may be more welcome now that in her earlier days.
If she is a Christian read her encouraging Bible verses about how beautiful her Heavenly home is going to be.
Heaven is real as is Hell. Chose now while you are living because it is too late when you are dead. Joseph- Anthony a son of Jehovah
Believe me I have been with many who were nearing the end of their time in this life. They all knew where they were going.
Google end of life and hospice care and you will find some suggestions. If a particular religion is important to her, then their prayers might be soothing. Just sitting quietly with someone, gently holding their hand or telling family stories that are good memories can be a way to show 'presence'. Good luck to you. It is awkward to be so close to death of a person who you have known for a long time but are not close to.
We stayed at her bedside and we were under the impression she was sleeping soundly from the meds, we did not realize at the time she was unconscious, but found out the next day randomly from one of the caregivers at the home she was in, and no one made that clear to us at our visit. We stayed for 3 hours when we decided to get some rest, we had just driven 8 hours to get to her, and we were exhausted, with intentions on being back first thing 5am. But unfortunately we got a call at 3am when they checked in on her, she had passed. We do not know exactly when she passed, I feel horrible we did not stay with her all night. I really thought she was just sleeping and we did not want to wake/disturb her especially when she was finally finding rest after being in so much pain. I can only hope she knew we were there and had finally decided to let go peacefully.
I have no doubt that she knew you were there with her.
Just as she waited for you to arrive she may have waited until you left before she died.
Words are not necessary.
She knew you were there and no doubt was happy.
Please don't feel bad about not staying, many people choose to leave this life when they are alone.
May The Lord give you and your family grieving mercies and comfort during this time.
I don't know if my mom was aware or not during her final days but rather than thinking of her as being unconscious I saw it more as stoned out of her mind on meds (a good thing) and often wavering on the line between partial awareness and sleep. I held mom's hand during the day but I went home to my own bed at night because I do believe that some people would rather have solitude at that time and she needed the opportunity to go when we weren't there.