What would you do?
OK, I'm facing a dilemma.
I told myself I would call Adult Protective Services and try to get a social worker to visit my mom if it happened again, and now that it's happening, I'm not sure I should.
My mom has some dementia, maybe early Alzheimer's (she won't see a specialist to confirm). Now, she keeps her place nice. Her apartment is neat and tidy, and she knows when her bills are due and knows to read her prescriptions to take her BP pill in the a.m., etc.
However, she does have these bad delusional spells. One time she accused me of stealing paper towels from her and had a fit. (I had just set the pack on top of the fridge, which isn't where she would have.) Another time she accused my husband of breaking into her apartment and stealing $500. (She later found it hidden under a rug -- she tends to hide money and forget where she put it.)
Most recently she accused me of taking a bunch of photos of her when she was in her robe and wearing no makeup and "putting them up" on my computer, and people were "laughing at her" and one friend was "shocked" at how bad she looked.
(One, I would never take pictures of a person and share them for all to see if they weren't dressed, etc., and two the friend she's talking about isn't even on Facebook, so there's really no logic there.)
To avoid a fight I said I was leaving and I'd talk to her later. She said if I left then never to contact her again. I told her I was upset about this accusation and needed to go and I would talk to her later when things cooled down a bit. (She's cut off contact with everyone else, so she might do the same with me, who knows?)
But, do I risk alienating her even more by trying to call a social worker in to see her and talk to her? (If I do she might play sane -- doctors, etc., get a different version of her -- and she might even say stuff like I abuse her or steal from her, etc.)
Or do I just let stuff slide for now and hope things right themselves once again and wait for maybe another chance to try and coach her into some kind of treatment?
I really don't know what to do here. I'm kind of at the end of my rope in some ways because I've been dealing with this kind of stuff for a decade.
She if you can get her to talk to you again, if she does completely cut you off then you don't have much of a choice for her safety. I know it is a difficult time but for her safety sometimes you have to go down the difficult road.
Talk to someone at Adult Protective Services, let them know your concerns. She will love you regardless you are her daughter.
Please, don't just take my advice. Do some research on elder care. Talk to more people. Even do some research on Adult Protective services in your area before you decide to make the call.
Maybe you have a friend that has a similar situation? I'm sure if you don't you will find one here. my situation is much different but I will lend a ear and offer my thoughts to you. Know that you are not alone.
Her suggestion was to agree if the statements were just nonsensical. Fortunately, we never experienced the kind of accusations your mother makes.
From what I've read here, others have had similar problems. When someone is delusional, I don't think there's anyway you can argue with them - the brain dysfunctions preclude that.
If there aren't false allegations of the accusatory kind, redirection is the goal - change the subject and eventually the delusion will morph into a different one.
But I can understand how hurt you would be by your mother's accusations, and understandably reluctant to cut off contact if you left at that time. She was probably so mad and angry that she said something which she would not have if she was rational. Or it may be that she was just being cruel - she may be resentul of her situation and takes it out on you just because you're there, and apparently the only one with whom she hasn't cut off contact. So you're the designated whipping girl.
My personal experience with social workers has been that some of them are good, but they see the situation from a different perspective. You're right there, on the scene, and responsible for repercusssions. They don't have to deal with the hostile behavior so their recommendations can be more far-ranging.
I honestly think your mother would be furious if a social worker were brought in. There's also the likelihood that the social worker would make recommendations to government agencies which would intervene and further antagonize your mother.
If she did "play sane", to me that reflects that her actions toward you aren't all based on dementia but show some element of deliberate cruelty.
Am I correct in assuming she's not taking any meds for her condition? If so, you might talk to her gerontologist or neurologist or their nurse practitioner(s) and ask if meds would help control the delusions.
I don't have any really good recommendations, but I do think that it would help if you could just stay calm the next time this happens and tell her that you're going for a walk (not leaving for good) while she thinks about her accusations and finds proof for them (which she can't).
That way you just absent yourself for awhile, not "forever". If she's hostile to you when you return, leave again.
I'm thinking also that if there's any way you can get her in to an internist or PC physican for a full blood and physical check-up, it might help. There might be something else going on here.
I recall reading several instances of odd behavior caused either by impurities or toxins or unknown substances in these offshore medicines. If I recall correctly, medicines from India were specifically identified as producing strange behavior. My memory isn't 100% clear on this though.
But I was wondering about the meds your mother does take. The manufacturer should be listed on the medicine bottle. You can call the manufacturer and ask where the ingredients were sourced (you might be told that they don't have all that information, since most likely you'll end up being routed to a customer service group). Then ask where they're manufactured.
I've been able to get through to product specialists who check and call me back with the information I request.
I dropped one pharmacy and now boycott it completely because one of the pharmacists was dishonest in telling me that the FDA requires that meds sold in the US be manufactured here. I contacted the manufactuer (which he identified) and learned that that med was in fact manufactured in India by and was owned by an Indian who created that pharmaceutical company.
The memory meds don't work very well and you have to remember her mind is aging.It won't get better, you can't fix it unless her problem unless they stem from meds she is already taking.
The most frightening thing about these events is the unsettling reality that we will soon become caregivers for our parents.We grab at straws trying to prevent the inevitable but like your mom it's a delusion we suffer.