When a sibling can be the caretaker & will sacrifice a job to do so, should the same money be paid for that care as it would be to stranger?

I suppose that it works well for some people. I'd make sure to consult with an attorney about a written contract. There are legal reasons for this and also an accountant about tax issues. Do you have health insurance for yourself, liability insurance, in case one of them is injured. There's just a lot to consider. If the siblings are upset, why. Do they think one of them would like to do it? I could foresee that if you get paid, the siblings may never want to help, because, they aren't getting paid. Families get into a lot of squabbles over money issues. They may feel you are getting their inheritance. Maybe, they haven't considered that it's better going to you than a stranger.

I hope you'll get some answers from someone who has actually done this.

"They need about 40 hours a week and I am happy to do so but cannot work an outside job as well. There are funds to pay for this help and Mom and Dad agree I should be paid whatever the facility would charge. I've agreed to less pay and more help."

So how many hours will you be caregiving? Will the pay be sufficient for you? What about benefits? You would get benefits at an outside job. Will your parents take out taxes for you, or will it all be under the table?

Your siblings are selfish. They don't want you cutting into their inheritance, right? Would they care if your parents hire outside caretakers?

If you have lost substantial income during the past year and a half, I'd say your parents owe you from that time. The upset siblings -- are any of them willing to pitch in? Why are they so upset that you are getting paid instead of an outsider?

Where are you in the sibling hierarchy? Are you the oldest? Who has their POA? HCPOA? Who is their executor (estate) or successor trustee (trust)?

What exactly do your siblings object to?

Would they prefer to pay outsiders?
Would they be happier to do it themselves without charging?
Do they suppose you can live on love and fresh air?
What do they think would be the best arrangement?

Be business-like about this and, with your parents, draw up a proper caregiving contract. If you can't easily find a template for doing this, I'm sure forum members will be happy to point you in the right direction - it's important that it's realistic both about your parents' needs and about what you are actually able to do.

Are you sure you can do this? By that, I mean can you afford to be out of the work force for years? If your parents are in their 70s, they could live another 20 years. Do you have a spouse that brings in full time income? What do you plan to do after your parents pass away or need placement? When your parents pass away, will the siblings do all they can to limit any inheritance?

There's many, many stories here about people taking care of their parents and then having nothing left by the time the parent dies or has to be placed. They're drained physically, emotionally and financially. And these are from people who gladly took on full time caregiving!

If you wind up caregiving for 10 years, you will be 10 years behind your peers when you go back into the work force, and 10 years older. You may very well need to start over, career-wise. Can you feasibly do that? Even if you get a basic job that pays the bills, what about your own old age and retirement?

It also sounds like the sibling issues are already a problem. Your getting paid by the folks can make this much, much worse.

You need to get back in the workforce.   Long range, this can be awful for you, assuming you can make more than what HCA make.  Tell your siblings you are giving two weeks notice.

I wasn't paid as much as outside caregivers would have been but the arrangement worked well for both my mother and I, as long as you and your parents are satisfied I can't see how your siblings have any say in it at all.
Don't forget to have a plan for respite breaks and vacation time, it may be worthwhile to have an outsider come in once a week so that everyone is familiar with each other when you need time off.

Lovingdaughterz, there's a good primer about whether and how to be paid as a family caregiver at
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-get-paid-for-being-a-caregiver-135476.htm which also has a link to a template for a caregiving contract (which I haven't actually used, but it looks like it covers what's necessary).

     The answer to your question of whether the rate for family-pay should be the same as for stranger-pay is that generally family-pay should, at most, not exceed the rate for stranger-pay (and certainly not if there's any chance of needing Medicaid assistance in the future). Whether the rate for family-pay should be less than for stranger-pay I think depends on the many family issues that others have already mentioned, including fairness to your own short and long-term well-being. That said, I know firsthand that being fair to yourself and your spouse when caring for a parent is easier said than done, but, as the old saying goes, "Do as I say, not as I do."

     Kudos to you for providing care for your parents and kudos to your parents for recognizing they should pay you. Sounds like they are good parents who raised you well -- but I'm left wondering how your siblings got messed up.

Of course you should be fully paid - caregiver contract is wise.  Sounds like the sibs are looking at inheritance, but they have no right to dump on one sib and expect free care.

The answer to your question is YES.
I don’t understand why siblings still object. It is totally unfair to expect you to do work for free that they are willing to pay a stranger to do. Especially when your parents want you to do it instead of a stranger. How infuriating ! It sounds like you have figured this out reasonably and factually. All the key players are in agreement, ie you and your two parents. You don’t need other siblings’ approval. Do it.
Some of the legal technicalities ought to be in writing, as others here have suggested. If one of your siblings (or any combo of them) were willing to do this same work for less money, then that would be a legitimate reason for them to to object. As it is, they are not offering anything better. Your time and energy is just as important as anyone else’s. Maybe in past generations, someone sacrificed their personal finances to be a family caretaker. But times have changed. I applaud you for standing up to these family members who want to take advantage of you.

Beginning to be resentful? After a year and a half? If you gave up a job that paid better than this, you may be out on a limb to justify more than the commercial going rate for this carer work. But it doesn’t seem that this is an issue for you. You have to accept that your siblings are not going to be persuaded to accept the right thing, just because it is the right thing. You have to make the running. That will mean changing your approach, and it may mean a lot of aggro. Make sure that your parents are on board with what you suggest, take it to an attorney to get it drafted so that it is legally enforceable, and just present it to the siblings as a done deed on legal advice. If you want to be extra nice, tell the sibling in advance and ask them if they have any better ideas. Make sure that they have no leg to stand on in saying eventually that it is supposed to come off your share of the inheritance, whatever it may be. Personally, you should also go for a lump sum back pay for what you have already done. Be brave!

Unfortunately life isn't set up to be fair and never has been. I've been doing this gig, taking care of old folks now going on 30 years now. First it was for a good friend and her family was perfectly happy to have me living on the premises and taking care of mom while they went on their merry ways contributing absolutely zilch and once she died they wanted every dime left available. I finally walked away after her death with nothing for myself other than having to find another place to live. Of course they wanted me to help sort out her affairs, but I left and let them sort out her hording ways.
A few very short years later my own father called me to help him and his rotten wife. Luckily I meet a wonderful lady who owns her own home on a lake and we moved in with her. Meanwhile my own family has lived elsewhere contributing relatively nothing. Of course I obliged dad and his wife passed away a few years later, but I'm still the primary care giver for dad minus any financial help and little to nothing coming my way from my brother and sisters.
Yes, life stinks in that respect, but he's still my father and still thinks of me, the youngest as his personal servant, but I made the commitment to the old man with no plans to ever give up on the man I've had a love/hate relationship with for the better part of 60 years now. Dad is 91 going on 150 and his ways have consistently put my relationship with my significant other on the line on a daily basis with endless disagreements over the most mundane things. Still, family offers little to nothing. Life stinks and yet I still love the old man.
What can I tell you that would make life easier other than the satisfaction of knowing you're the bigger person in it all? Nothing really, but it is what it is.
We still love each other despite the arguments and I often wonder why she even so much as puts up with us (dad and myself), but she does and has earned my unflinching respect and love.
The best I can tell you is that you are not getting one day younger yourself and someday you may require the same kind of care yourself so hang in there and hope that somebody someday will have the same fortitude you've displayed annd if not then well, life indeed does stink, but you'll be able to go to your own grave with the knowledge that you never balked while everyone else did. Hold your head high and never forget the person you have been. The rest will never be able to make such lofty claims even if they try to do exactly that. If I had to make a prediction I'd probably predict that you'll always be able to say you always did the right thing with no regrets.
Personally I believe we deserve to be paid, but life isn't heading in that direction. The ONLY hold I have at this point is dad's house names me as the executor of his estate and his house we rent out so I inherit that, but I also know that one of my siblings would be more than willing to take him in his last year(s) and inherit the place at the last minute. Fun, huh?

I ended up in court with greedy siblings that were concerned about their inheritance. The court ordered I be paid a minimal amount.

This is none of sibs business. Get this negotiated for the same amount an outside caregiver would be paid, and don't forget to get overtime rate in there. Get the contract in place working with an elder law attorney to make sure everything is legal. Folks are competent I assume. If not a geriatric care manager or the Area Agency on Aging can help with an assessment of their needs and what is common for payment.

Your selfish siblings are worried about their inheritance, in fact it's so obvious you should call them out on their selfish, do nothing, greedy behavior. Remind them that you did a year and a half for free.

Greed like this makes my blood boil. It's your parent's money and they want to pay YOU. End of story right there. But the truth is you will be doing WORK, lots of it, and you deserve to be paid!

Good luck, and let us know what your siblings say when you call them out on their greed and lack of involvement.

Yes, you deserve to be paid. If no for you, someone would need to be paid for the service.

If the funds are truly there (and paying for in home care wipes out funds AMAZINGLY fast) then I say if your Mom and Dad are capable of this decision that you attend a lawyer and make a contract. Remember you are on your own with insurance, and etc. You will be claiming this as salary with the IRS, and etc and make certain all the Ts crossed and I s are dotted. Personally I would want to keep my job and keep up with the times and being employed; it will be very difficult to re enter the work force. You should also see to it that you are appointed POA for health and financial, as it will otherwise be a nightmare with the siblings. If your parents can afford THIS then they certainly can afford a good Elder Law Attorney. See one.

I would expect to be paid going rate, including cost of "benefits" for a caregiving job that required 40 hours a week and prevented me from earning a living. What the heck are you living on? What health insurance do you have?

As suggested, have the parents draw up a caregiving contract including compensation provisions. I can't figure out why siblings would expect this writer to do all that for nothing. Would they do it for nothing? Don't feel guilty. Parents are on board with this and sound realistic. They should tell the other kids that this is their decision.

Look into being paid by the state you live in. I live in Illinois, and I was astounded to learn that the state pays family members who are caregivers! Perhaps not *much*, but it is worth looking into. See more info at the caregiver space.com

I looked into be paid by the state but it turns out you have to return the money.
i left my job to be my mother’s caregiver 24/7 she lives with me how many hours is that! I receive nothing! Either I pay a stranger or do it myself but I would have to return the money after death. I don’t really get it. But she is my mother and I am an only child. I guess this is my burden in life.

I was in the same situation; my parents needed help, so I gave up a full time income to help care for them. They, like your parents, wanted to pay me instead of strangers to care for them. I was fortunate that my siblings, who either weren't willing or able to leave their current situation or location to care for my parents, were glad it was me.
I would ask your siblings "which one of you can come and help so you can work at least part-time?" If they don't want to be involved or can't financially, then ignore them.
Perhaps your parents can make it clear to your siblings that this is there choice and none of their business what you are paid. My siblings didn't know the financial arrangement.
When you need a break, and you will, which one of the siblings is going to come and fill in? Who is going to take care of them when it's their turn? Do they want family or strangers to care for them when their older?
Most people don't know how the caretakers system works. You're never guaranteed the same person; you don't always get the person you want; the cost is very high with care being devoid of the love and caring that you have for your parents. Finding a wonderful caregiver is no easy task. We tried it for a short while but my parents had young ladies who either didn't socialize with them or talked too much about their lives.
A family caregiver like you, is a blessing! God shines on those who love and care for their parents.

No, not the same, but more because your day job no doubt paid more than caregiving. Not only that, but caretaking is very enervating over time....There are few more stressful jobs.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

If you are to do this and get paid, and you should, here are a few ideas for you.
1). Draw up a Caregiver Contract.
2). Appropriate pay AND make it legal take out taxes. (if this is for their care there is a good possibility that this can be deducted on their taxes as a medical expense so check with the person that does your/their taxes)
3). Spell out EXACTLY what you will do for them.
4). Set a reasonable "reevaluation" schedule. You do not want to have the same contract with the same pay and hours if they have a major medical change. 6 months might be good. At the end of each 6 months you can sign a new contract with any changes in hours, pay OR you can elect to discontinue as their caregiver and someone else would have to take over, either a sibling or an agency or appropriate placement .
5). Make sure that they, your parents, have appropriate insurance so if you become injured the insurance will cover.
6). Keep accurate time that you actually spend doing their care. I think you will find that you spend more than 40 hours a week doing what you do for them.

You can figure out how much you should be paid if you call around to several agencies and ask what they charge for a caregiver. Not one that is certified as a CNA.
Also if your parents take any medication a caregiver from an agency is not allowed to administer medication. They can hand it to the person in a cup but they can not physically help them take it, nor can they crush it into a food. You would have to pay for a nurse to so that. So if you administer medication increase what you are getting paid to compensate for what an agency would charge for a nurse. If you do any hands on of changing briefs, pull ups or other things a CNA would do increase what you are charging to what the agency would charge for a CNA. Ask when you call around for prices what a Caregiver does and what they get paid. what a CNA does and what they get paid and what a Nurse does and what they get paid.
I think you and your siblings would be surprised at the costs involved.

I suggest you write up a contract with your parents. Line out the expectations of your employment - amount of hours you work, types of tasks you perform, paid vacation time (usually about 2 weeks for most employers), reimbursement for travel time... like any other job... Have you and your parents sign it and get it notarized. Keep notarized copy in a safe place and keep copies for yourself and your parents. Then, explain the "new" job you have and that your parents are the employer. It would also be helpful to outline how your parents assets would be divided - get that will done - once both parents have passed away.

When both of your parents have passed, you can list this as a job.

I suggest you sit down with your parents and your siblings and a predrawn contract with just the figure for payment missing and let your parents tell your siblings what they think is reasonable, and let your siblings try and justify why you should not be paid the going rate for the job. The ONLY reasons I can see for you not to be paid the going rate are a) That you gain some benefit in another way - not needing petrol, or not having to pay rent - that sort of everyday incurred cost, and b) because everyone agrees that when your parents die you will inherit an amount to cover the difference before any other disbursement of your parents estate.

You should be paid the going rate and if your siblings don’t like it tell them to do it for free if that’s there choice . You have a life too and cannot make up your lost earnings as how many years may you be doing this for . Family members need to be told it as it is

About 5 years ago my siblings and I decided that our parents needed outside help in managing their affairs. I offered to do this and quit my part time job and have been paid ever since. It started out I would track all my hours and pay myself the going caregiver rate but this became too hard to manage as there are many times I would get phone calls handling decisions for my parents and trying to track all those hours was difficult. I then decided it made more sense to just pay myself a salary and not worry about what hours I was working and that it would work out as some weeks require more hours than others. I have turned down multiple job opportunities so I could keep managing my parents affairs as I see how important this is to have someone doing this. I often times mention to my siblings when I see them that if anyone wants to take over doing this I would be glad to turn the job over to them. No takers yet because they all have good full time jobs which pay a lot more than I am making doing this. I am not resentful of this arrangement as I volunteered to do it and I love my parents dearly and want to make sure they are taken care of in all respects.
if your siblings do not want to have your parents pay for you to care for them then I would walk away and let them figure it out and have them speak directly to your parents to see what they want to do. It is your parents money to spend how they want and if they want you as their caregiver then that is their decision. You should make no less than the going rate of paying an agency caregiver.
i have not used a contract with my parents and I have been upfront with my siblings so they all know the arrangement and are good with it.
Best wishes.

It seems fair that if your parents are able and willing to pay someone, and you are willing to take the job, they might as well pay you. I don't see siblings offering to step up.

Your post sounds like you are managing your father's affairs more than doing hands-on physical care taking, but, still, if you are doing things your father would otherwise have to pay for, you should be paid.

Absolutely yes! If indeed the finances are there as you stated absolutely yes. I’m quite sure if you’re siblings were willing to make that sacrifice, they would expect the going rate. Don’t let them bully you out of what you rightfully deserve. I wish all of you much peace and happiness 😊

Well, this isn't a parent complaining issue - it's a sibling issue. Siblings may think you don't really need the income because you already did it for a year for free. Did you quit a job to help them or were you unemployed when you started helping? Are you getting free room and board by living w/parents? Are you taking physical care of them 24/7 or just handling errands? Do they require 24/7 caretaking?

Those might be the things they are thinking about. We don't have details about those things to comment. However, you offered unpaid assistance a year ago, so more info as to what you did then versus what you do now. And what you already get in terms of housing or other benefit should be considered because you do have a choice if you're living w/them: get a job and your own house and hire someone to help them or consider what you are already getting as part of the payment. If you're asking for similar wage as paid caretaker, then you would deduct reasonable rent/utilities/etc from what you would earn. If they don't need 24/7 care, then you should be able to log your tasks and get paid reasonable per hour pay. -- but bottom line is do you get any in-kind income from parents, something else (housing) that could be considered a type of payment.

If parents need 24/7 care:
Since parents have money to pay someone 40 hrs a week - why does it matter who they pay? And I would prefer a sibling was with my parent instead of a stranger. So, I would call a sibling meeting and let them know parents have the money, are willing to pay an outside caretaker, so why not pay you similar pay. If they simply resent paying a family member - then ask them how many weeks at a time they can commit to being a caretaker, offer them a calendar to mark it down, and suggest everyone share the duties. And, tell them you are not agreeable to an hour here and there or a day a week. It needs to be assigned in blocks of a week so that your share of the work only rolls around every 3-4 weeks depending on number of siblings.
If any sib doesn't live close enough to partake in the festivities, they can hire and pay for someone out of their pocket for their assigned week in order to keep mom/dad's money in the bank.
Go ahead and mark your name on a pre-selected week on the calendar before you give it to them so they know you came prepared to get everyone involved. You might see a majority in agreement to pay you to do the job. Even if that happens, you need ask for commitment to fill in so you can have days off. If they are not interested, then inform them someone will be hired for those days. At the end, if you cannot find a resolution with siblings, then hire someone to do the day to day care. Get yourself a job and visit with parents regularly to check on situation...but spend more time as their visitor instead of FT caretaker. -- Go ahead and drain the siblings well. They might come crawling back.

You're luckier than many that have no option for payment. There's not enough income to pay family or outside help and someone ends up doing the job with little to no help from others. Caretaker has no leverage with siblings who claim to be too busy, have to work (some will even find a job in order to be too busy), have children to take care of, a million + one excuses.

lovingdaughterz,
Your experience closely mirrors my own.
I agree with the advice you've received about holding a sibling meeting, and addressing the issues at hand with pragmatism and transparency.
It's been my observation that when someone has the courage to simply and forthrightly acknowledge the elephant in the room, it gives others ease and then the ability to allow themselves to think clearly.
It is difficult and you rock.
I wish you well.
R27

I agree with the poster who said you should not have to give up your financial security because of greedy siblings, and that it's the parents business and not the siblings. My siblings went into a rage when I quit my job and did 24/7 care giving for my mom, and I'm not even taking a salary. They said I was spending their inheritance. I am planning on hiring a geriatric care manager to deal with them from now on, because I don't need the added stress.