I have tried in the past to have my mother write down her wishes concerning funeral arrangements. She has always resisted, and often changed her mind as to what she has told me she wanted. However, due to a recent death in the family and seeing many issues that can arise, she now has said she wants no funeral service. Before I sit down with her to actually have something put in writing, I would like to get some input. I know she does not want a wordy obituary about her life, so alternate "life celebrations" is not what she would want. But just saying the deceased requested no funeral services seems rather stark. (And it may turn out that mother does want some kind of service.) How should this be worded for a death announcement? If other family members are very disturbed with foregoing traditional services, what could be simple ways to honor her without going against her wishes?
As noted by others, the funeral or memorial service is mainly for the benefit of friends or family. It helps them heal. Remind her that many people would just like to have a way to say "goodbye". Is there anything she could suggest?
No one would want to include something the departed would find disagreeable. If she doesn't want clergy, OK Mom, we don't need clergy. If there is some kind of music she objects to, OK Mom, we don't have to have that. Flowers? Not necessary. A number of traditional trappings could be dispensed with. A bit of gentle questioning of your mother might suggest some ways to mark her passing in a dignified, sensitive way that she would not find objectionable.
If she does choose to give you instructions - and don't badger her about it, it's in poor taste - follow them (and without looking for loopholes, by the way).
If she doesn't, then her executor or her next of kin if there is no executor should make the arrangements s/he thinks best.
My second parents-in-law moved into a NH and FIL died 3 weeks later at 90 from an accident on his scooter (he was the healthier of the two). The law required an autopsy (and in fact his new doctor had probably stuffed up a medication). FIL dearly wanted his body donated to medical research (he was an exPOW with various continuing results), but it couldn’t happen because of the autopsy. We had a party at the big room in the NH and my DH (the oldest son) gave a short speech. All the family were happy with that. My daughter very kindly came with her 3 week old baby, which was a wonderful 'life goes on' reminder.
MIL lived to 97, all of her generation were dead, and the sons decided to skip the party. She was cremated without a service, they collected the ashes, mingled them with FILs ashes kept in an urn, and joined together to scatter them in the sea. No-one objected.
My first MIL, who I loved dearly, had a ‘real’ funeral. The bulk of the attenders were the family of my ex’s partner, who she did not like much. When I got there, I wondered if I was in the wrong funeral until I actually saw my ex. They all made speeches which were more or less hypocritical (sometimes highly hypocritical). It turned my stomach. I didn’t go to my ex’s funeral, although we were by then on good terms, because I couldn’t face the same people again. My (and ex’s) daughters couldn’t keep them away, even though the relationship had broken up.
Do what works for you. Make a good memory for yourself, and for the people you care about. It doesn’t matter to the deceased.
In my case, I helped my mom interview several plans for cremation - her preference. Burial or cremations are very expensive - especially at death. She has already prepaid for a cremation and "box" to put her into, She knows that the family will have her ashes scattered in the ocean at some point after her death. She says she would rather people just have a nice meal out to remember her by. I am working on getting her to fund an account that my sister and I are also part of to fund that final "party."
I would not discuss this any further with her at this time. But make pre-arrangement with a funeral home or direct cremation service so when she passes, someone is ready to retrieve the body and handle it from there. That's what my brother did for both parents. It helped ease our minds.
Hold a funeral.
That said, funerals and wakes are for the living. Many mourners want to meet the family and impart a memory or story to share with them. If your Mom is waffling back and forth with her wishes (maybe because of dementia and/or other issues), I would just listen and make your best judgment. When we had my Dad's wake, it was attended by his retired work friends, etc, who told me happy anecdotes of his work life and other stories that really gave me a different insight to my father. Sometimes I wondered if they were talking about the same person who was laying in the casket! It was fascinating and honestly, made me feel better.
The only things I would truly honor of your Mom wishes is if she wanted an open viewing or a closed casket; or being buried in a casket as opposed to cremation. The funeral/wake is for YOUR closure. If it would upset you to not have a wake/funeral, then by all means, have one.
To honor my mother's wishes, there will be no funeral service. I invite you to please privately celebrate (insert name) memory in your own ways. I know that she will be with us all in spirit. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.
I'd follow her wishes (I really like Bobby40's post). For family and friends, I might host a simple meal, at a place of your choosing, where attendees can share stories about your mother and celebrate her life.
It's your mom's death and if she doesn't want a funeral, that is her choice and her request should be followed.
You could ask her if it would be OK after she is buried or cremated, to invite immediate family over to celebrate her life as a closure for them.
If the answer is no then don't do it.
After she's gone. They can go to the grave site.
Bur, Truth Be Told, you should have a Celebration of life while she is alive and able to enjoy it.
You could do this on her next Birthday or anytime, if she's OK with the idea.
Visit people and bring flowers while they are alive, when it makes them happy and they can enjoy it....Not after they are dead and know nothing.
If you think some family members would have a problem not having a funeral after she dies, then you should do a Video of your mom saying on camera what her wishes are.
We hosted a casual very informal dinner at our home to remember him and my mother in law who did not have a service either.
My father in law did not see the need to pay the expense of a Service.
Niether in law had an Obituary in the paper.
we felt we honored his wishes, and felt we provided closure for Close friends and Family.
I am facing an odd situation in planning for my own mother’s funeral. For many complicated reasons I will not be planning a public service. For those same complicated reasons, I need to be able to help my own family find some closure with some sort of rite of passage to mark the event. So we will have a private gathering for family so WE may have an opportunity to grieve in a healthy way together. I am letting go of a long history of misery with what I hope will be an example of mercy and forgiveness for my children and grandchildren. I am trying to think of something creative to do with my family like place a brick or bench in her name at a park. Bottom line funerals are for the living.
I actually started to draft an obit for my mother to have on hand. I highlighted her career and said good things. I picked a nice picture. I stated that she will be interred at such and such cemetery in a private family gathering. Then I said that to honor her memory donations can be sent in her name to such and such charity, a cause she was passionate about. Something like that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
It really doesn't surprise me ,because he's all about simplicity.
I plan on scattering his remains near a lighthouse which are one of his favorites.
Regarding the obituary.
Just keep it simple ,and state that there will be no formal service at the request of our beloved one.
If you and your family want to have a gathering or memorial service of some kind when your mother passes away, have one.
My mother says it all the time that she wants nothing too. We tell her we're not rich people and she doesn't like that response. She wants us to beg and plead with her about it, but we don't.
My mother is Irish. There has never been an Irish person rich or poor whose family didn't give them a proper wake. I do tell her that I won't be serving the good whisky because she didn't want a funeral anyway.
My dad was brought up in a very overly strict religious family. One of daddy’s brothers decided not to practice any faith as an adult. My uncle threw clergy out of his hospital room when he was sick in the hospital. He did not want a service either. In fact, he donated his body to science. He was a lifelong bachelor. My mom thought it was awful not to have a service. In spite of the rest of us telling her to honor his wishes, she decided to have a memorial service for him in the hospital chapel. She did this for herself. It certainly wasn’t what my uncle wanted. The rest of us was fine with what he desired.
My mom had a traditional funeral for my father who died many years ago. She decided that she did not want the same for herself. She chose a simple graveside service, which worked out best due to COVID. This is a personal decision for everyone.
"Services will be private."
She had a pre-need burial plan, and was cremated. Due to it being winter AND the national cemetery (dad was a Marine and she could be interred with him) being about 2 hours away, I opted to wait until the nice weather was back!
I only had contact with bros, my kids and one cousin on each side of the family. They were all invited for the burial service, if they wished to go. Few words, etc. I didn't have anything planned, so I suggested we find a nice local restaurant with outdoor seating (virus concerns!) and raise a glass to mom, who outlasted all the others in her generation, passing at age 97!
If she doesn't wish elaborate service, don't do it. Anyone can always have some kind of celebration of her life after the fact.
If she has expressed her wishes to you, is there really a need to have her write it down? Would anyone else in the family object, and if so, do they have any say?
FWIW, one thing my mother and I agreed on was her mantra:
"If you can't be bothered to come see me when I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead!"