When do you go beyond your parent?
My dad has to move from the farm house he has rented for 12 years. The landlord wants to fix it and live in it. My dad likes to collect things to sell for profit. Except he never sells things bc nobody helps him with it. I tell him there is only so much time when i come to help him. There is so much to move. Ive tried to find an auction house but cant. My dad only wants to sell if he gets what he thinks his "antiques" are worth. I make breakfast burritos for his freezer. I help him with paper work. I live 100 miles from him, but go every month at least. I found these very nice wheelchair accessible apartments, rent off of income. But he refuses to live in an apartment. Says he cant move closer to me or he will lose benefits, we live in different states. I used to live closer before I got married. I used to work and care for him at night. I burned out and didnt take care of myself. He has benifits to hire people but he only has one employee bc he runs others off and says its bc he cant find anyone. He wont hire an agency bc he did once and they were no good. He has to have control. He thinks he has found a hudd trailer on land he wants to buy. I understand and try hard to support his want to live on his own. I worry it will affect his Medicaid/Medicare. His case worker cant say one way or another. I get so frustrated he wont try the apartment. The land will require snow removal, he wont have close neighbors like now. Who will do that. Sometimes his wheelchair looses power or he gets stuck. He wants land so he can keep all his stuff. Old construction trailer he wants to use for storage. Truck, car, motorcycle, and jet skis, the list goes on. My dad wants to fix everything but cant bc of his injury. C5/c6 quad. Im trying to get a plan together, but i feel so exhausted after talking with him. Im trying very hard to help but its hard. My 2 brothers cant help. One lives in another state and doesnt want to help and one is in jail. My husband will help me move things but to where! I cant force my dad to sell things or move to an apartment. Im worried he will wind up homeless. My house is not wheelchair accessible. We went today and found a water pipe broke downstairs. Called landlord. My husband and son clean up the mess getting water up. My dad wants to save the ruined smelly rug!! What!! Like almost a fight bc i said no. He will not budge. He has a skeet machine just needs to be fixed. Im like when the heck are you going to use it? Now he has an open sore on the back of his leg above the ankle. Its getting cleaned by his cna. But its bad and larger then a baseball. I said ok you goung to doctilor monday then? Well no bc they will just give me a tube of neosporin like i have. I dont know what to do. We did what we could and left after several hours. Thank you for listening!!!
Time to pick your battles. Let Dad keep the smelly rug and the skeet machine. To him these items are important.
The important battle here is Dad's leg. Instead of you taking Dad to the doctor, how well does Dad do with the CNA? Is she a regular person? Would Dad be more likely to listen to her and allow her to take him to the doctor? You'd be surprised how quickly some elders will listen to someone wearing an uniform.
I had to chuckle about the Neosporin, my Dad had those tubes everywhere in his senior apartment :)
I know you are doing the best you can for your dad. Its so hard because my dad was awfully stubborn too. We just couldn't see eye to eye on very much. But when it comes to safety and well being, it is time to take control and be firm. I won't be easy and he will probably yell and get upset. Try to be as firm and compassionate as you can that this is about safety.
I have been a pleaser my whole life so going against my dad wasn't easy. It was a fight. But the last year of his life, I decided to let him have his way and it has been one of the biggest regrets of my life. I guess we all just do the best we can.
Maybe someone else should talk to Dad. Explaining that he needs a place that is wheelchair accessable. His stuff can be put in storage for now. The rug, get rid of it. It will get moldy. You may want to get Dad evaluated.
The non healing sore is very worrying. Has Dad been checked or does he have diabetes?
It could progress and lead to gangrene.
You could ask eldercare authorities to do a wellness check on him.
For me disabilities have descended suddenly and of course accepting that I will not regain my former strength is very difficult to accept. I feel fine sitting in my chair but as soon as I get up reality hits.
Best thing is to tell him you can't help him if he won't leave his junk behind. Mean it. If he won't sell at auction outright with no reserves, then he won't part with it. No one will buy when they find out that their bids don't meet reserves, so why waste everyone's time (and YOU will be stuck having hired the auctioneer for a minimum comission fee!).
Let him be evicted, and contact social/adult protective services when he tells you he's been served. They will push him into an appropriate situation. I stayed out of the situation with mthr until she could not take care of her self, quite literally. She did not refuse to go to the Memory Care nor to the doctor, two things she would NEVER have done when she was able.
It's about respecting autonomy. Once he is self neglecting, the state can become his guardian. With the dynamic of hoarders, it's often best if the family visits as family with no power to change the situation.
See All Answers