When does normalcy return after caregiving for so long?

Years. Not months. And it'll be a different normal.

But as one of the AgingCare hugs used to say, it's okay not to be okay. Be kind to yourselves.

The two of you are very admirable people. Taking care of both mothers (I’m assuming not simultaneously) for a 4 year stretch shows very unselfish hearts.

When someone moves into your home, you no longer have the privacy you long for. Snuggling with your mate on the sofa and watching a great flick while sipping your favorite beverage was gone. Now it’s time for the two of you.

I agree with some of the other comments, in that a vacation is a great thing to do. But if you cannot afford to do so, then just take a long weekend at home with the two of you. Tell the rest of the family that you need some time alone and to not call.

I have been caring for my wife (a 67 y.o. Who is living with Alzheimer’s) for nearly 2 years now. I myself don’t understand what normal is like. I too will grieve when she is gone. I likely will be in your shoes when she does pass. But I pray I’ll get through the pain.

If I may, let me share this verse from the Bible. Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for the good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose.” It’s that last part I’d like to focus on. “…called according to His purpose.” Your purpose for 4 years was caregiving for your moms. Now it’s time for the two of you.

Look into each other’s eyes, apologize, forgive and love. Applaud yourselves for the stamina you had. It’s okay to talk about the rough times and the incidents that infuriated you both. But don’t stay there. Also talk about what awesome people you are for the care you did provide.

Lastly, if you don’t have it now, look into Long Term Care insurance for you both. If you have children, it will help them care for you when you reach the point of not being able to care for yourselves. I’m sure you’ve said, “I don’t want to put this kind of burden on our kids.”

I pray for your recovery!
Terry

It will take a while, so please be patient. You and your wife are not only grieving now, but also trying to get your life back to "normal." And I'm sure you already know that your life will never be completely back to your old normal, as what you have been through the last 4 years has changed you both forever.
Instead you will now have to get used to your "new normal" which can be scary and exciting at the same time. So take some deep breaths, be kind to each other and be patient. Things will eventually fall into place.
Condolences on the death of your mother.

Raysot, I'm so sorry for your loss!

From experience, it takes a while to stop being hyper-alert. Have you tried any meditation apps? They can be quite effective at calming your nervous system down.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It can take a good while. It's so fresh and new. I was irritable and easily-angered and stressed, etc., for a good six months. Please realize that anything you feel is ok, and that it's normal to go through ups and downs. And you and your wife will most assuredly have different cycles and different reactions/stresses. I found that several sessions with a therapist was extremely helpful - just to have a safe place to say whatever I wanted to say with no judgment. I'd suggest doing that individually. Wishing you peace.

I cared for my mom for four year beginning in 2011. She passed five-year ago, now, doesn't seem possible. There was never a return to normal for me. I am still figuring out what normal is.

Hyper-stress mode is a good way to put it. I was on high alert when my husband and I brought my stepdad here to die. After he died it was a huge relief that his suffering was over but I was still buzzing with nerves.

We just needed time to be numb. I caught up on tv shows I recorded and didn't have time to watch and I was just quiet. Take time to reconnect with your wife, each taking your own quiet time throughout the days. Go for walks, or drives, stop for lunch or dinner and just get out of the house when you can. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling and let it out. There wasn't anyone else who knew what it felt like so he was a safe person for me to be completely honest with.

Are you able to take a vacation together? Something relaxing, lay on a beach, sip drinks, read books, no cooking, cleaning, anything, and maybe try to reconnect with yourselves and each other?

For me, I was always on the edge of something terrible happening, which triggered a fast heartbeat, shaking high alert response. After it ended, my brain and body was so used to that fight/flight response that I was literally in that state 24 hours a day. The brain learns the response to danger and immediately goes to that, even if there’s no imminent or apparent danger. It’s called PTSD, and it took me well over 2 years to recover. I’m not sure I’m over it. Therapy and medication for anxiety helped, as well as yoga and meditation. I don’t think you just get over it without some kind of intervention to the responses your body has learned.

My dad passed two years ago leaving my mom, 86, and husband's aunt ,93, to help care for.

I certainly understand the hyper stress. My situation helped bring on a minor stroke in March. Then they found a congenital hole in my heart so a little surgery to patch the hole. Now I am in recovery mode which has really helped destress.

Unfortunately my duties with the old ones have been passed to my sister and husband along with their share of the work. I am following doctor's orders to the letter so rebound can be speedy.

I would encourage you and your wife to get outside everyday. Go for lunch, garden, walk and find some things you used to enjoy. Maybe connect with some old friends. A long weekend away?