When does normalcy return after caregiving for so long?

Am sorry for your loss. I lost my 95 yo mother last year after being her sole caretaker for quite some time. The last 6 months were brutal - for her and me. When she passed, I didn't have time to 'feel' anything because so much had to be taken care of first. It took an entire 3 months to tie up everything that needed to be done in addition to dealing with my own family and my own medical issues that had happened as a direct result of all the stress. Then, I gradually started rejoining 'life' - but it was a completely new 'normal' (including everything to do with Covid), which I wasn't sure how to do or what to do. I had to start living 'my' life without all the responsibilities of caregiving and I wasn't sure what that meant or how to do it.

It has been a year since her passing (literally), and as I rest up, limit what I 'have' to do, and take care of my medical issues and needs, I am finally starting to lighten up with myself and the rest of the world. I am finding new ways to relax, and start enjoying the little things in life before tackling the big ones - meaning, the little things like working in my yard (potting up some summer pots) and then sitting in a chair outside and just admiring the great outdoors - and no more. Just 'being' instead of going on a 2 week long vacation or tackling that kitchen remodeling project.

When each of you are physically rested up - enough sleep, eating better - Start small but start every day. Find one thing for you - just you (a leisurely bath, reading a book you wanted to read, etc). And then find one thing for you as a couple - make dinner together - s.o. preps and you cook, go out to lunch in the middle of the workweek, etc.

And even with the one step a day it will take time to adjust and integrate. Be patient with yourself and each other, and be kind to yourself and each other. Find that 'new normal' way of being that will allow you to start moving forward.

How long - it all depends on each individual for there is no set timeframe. We all decompress differently. It could take months, it could take a year or two. You are trying to find your new 'normal' - not only as individuals (which is hard enough) but also as a couple.

My caregiving is not over yet but I am no longer primary, my Mom is staying at my brother's house now. I'm recovering from a knee replacement and plan to go to their house to give them a vacation for about 3 weeks in a few months. I have not done as much as many on this forum or as much as you have, but I did call my Mom every day for over 5 years, average 45 minutes plus per call, and stayed with her at her home for 5 1/2 months last year (we took turns). My brother is 13 years younger than me, his wife is a professional caregiver, and they have teenagers so it is way better for them than me alone. I guess I just don't have what it takes because I was already burned out to a degree before my Mom got cancer and dementia a year ago. (She was extremely depressed after losing my Dad with no desire to get on with her life, and she poured that out to me on the phone almost every day.) Since I've been at home my husband is a little frustrated because I tend to overreact still. Someone else on this forum mentioned feeling overwhelmed when someone asks you to do things and I do feel that way and I hate it. Anyway, I recently downloaded an app called Aura which has meditation and classes. It's not free but I have notice that if I do the relaxation exercises I feel a lot better, and they have a lot of material - series to work through on stress, burnout, anxiety, and other issues. I like it so far. It's a combination of meditations, hypnosis sessions, sounds, music, and sessions where they just give advice/therapy on a topic to help you think differently about it.

Raysot: I am truly sorry for the loss of your mother and also your mother in law. There is perhaps no definite time frame on "normal." After all, what is indeed normal may vary across the board. Deepest condolences sent to you.

Maybe years sometimes 3 years . It’s physically exhausting - it took me a couple years after my brother died but then my Father got sick . Before my brother it was my mother - it’s going on 7 years of caregiving and who knows how much longer ? I do know it takes a lot out of a person .

I learned, long ago that "normal" is just a button on the washing machine.

Destressing takes training and skill. You might consider couples counseling, yoga classes, a planned vacation that can't be canceled, a road trip to a place you've never been, scheduling a weekend of comedy TV bingeing, a cooking class, a wine and painting class, dance lessons (Salsa should make an impact), a Chopra retreat (https://chopra.com/retreats?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GS_NB_COLD_Perfect-Health_Exact&utm_content=_&gclid=CjwKCAjwy_aUBhACEiwA2IHHQF-uMA1xDAgQSxV3g1qziVbAcALiE2PvVkJfNxjeCtGN2nrdBOnDgRoCKOIQAvD_BwE) or do volunteer work in your community. Time to enjoy life and each other.

My condolences and I tip my hat to you and your Mrs. It's at tough row to hoe especially while working.

Goodness knows I don't mean to make light of this subject. My caregiving is still in ever blossoming full swing so specifically I don't know the answer especially because everyone is so, so very different.

But I'm a little whacky so as for myself, I suspect that between feeling a genuinely profound broken heart for the loss of my sweetheart once he passes and the shocking halt of having to serve and serve, and wash, and do, and fix, and plan, and doing children's puzzles, and driving, it seems like every twenty minutes, I may be doing the merengue standing on the couch in pretty short order. He'd be the first to laugh.

I imagine it might take me a good solid month to get back to normal, after my tick goes away, then I'd start looking at going to a beach for a couple of weeks.

Maybe you can gauge how long it will take the both of you to rebound from how you did in the past with other life-milestones.

You and your Mrs have been sharing a fox hole with bombs flying over head and exploding for two years. Both of you need TLC and to decompress. What did gentle fun look like before?

Do this...Check the weather forecast first. Don't surprise her but instead mention that a particular day looked pretty nice and ask what she thinks about YOU picking up some sandwiches or salads from the deli counter of a market and go for picnic. Ask her what she'd like to drink and if she'd like some cole slaw and chips. If she snaps "no" it may be because she hasn't found her footing yet. Her house was not hers for so long, and though I so very much understand that you lost your mom, I'm here to tell you dating your wife, movie and a dinner, bring in a Reuben from Clydes for lunch at home. Take her to a Town Center for shopping and lunch will smooth the way. Normal doesn't just happen. Life doesn't get back to normal from just staring and waiting.

Go to a children's petting zoo on a weekday. Take comfortable folding chairs to a park near an airport and watch the planes go over head. While you're out on a little shopping run and to fill up the car with gas take a few minutes to go to a gift boutique for something small, and give it to her while you're on that picnic or while watching the planes. Tell her that you appreciate her, and you are in awe for all she's done. Come on, you know women love words.

Yes, you've done a lot these last couple of years, and you just had a loss but more action is required because she was helping you with your mom. Your hurting but you asked and in my opinion with a couple in snapping-at-each-other trouble your going to have to do better than normal before normal comes back.

The very best of luck.

Lots of good advice. Watch “This is Us” start to finish. It helped my friend who lost 2 relatives in a short time. Also consider a brief period of counseling, regular or grief counseling. In addition, see you doctor for a brief period of medication.

This is a thought-provoking question and I have realized that I do not know what normal looks like. Much of my life has been utter chaos and not the type of normal that I'd wish on anyone. In terms of returning to normal and how long that takes... Not sure what I'd be returning to as my "normal" was anything but that. Always one thing after the other. Being depended upon (and then blamed) for the baggage of other people - both personally and professionally. Reading Cloud's "Boundaries" book changed my life profoundly, but there were still plenty of times when I was still the logical person to take care of things - which I tried to approach with a spirit of gratitude at being able to do so. I think rather than asking myself about a return to normal, I'm better off asking what my unmet needs are and what must happen for some of those to be finally met - which would open the door to some fulfillment and maybe that's normal. I know decluttering will help as there was never time for this task while those I tended to had spotless homes. Getting my affairs in order (financial affairs and final affairs) will also help me as I spent many years offering support and facilitating others getting their stuff in line that my own was put aside or not looked at fully. And lastly, getting my own health issues addressed/resolved/monitored. Too busy worrying about getting elder to the doctor and whether a small med change will have any noticeable change for my elder who lives in a NH.

Grieving and huge changes can take time to adjust to -some people seem to take these changes in stride (usually they had had to deal with lots of life changes throughout their lives) and most of us need TIME- as in months. Most of us also do better with help - joining a grief support group and/or meeting weekly with a counsellor. I would suggest asking your wife to join you in one or 2 of these types of help to create time and safe zones to discuss the changes in your lives... and create an even better life together.

Yes, maybe months. But the tension will "soften" along the way. People re-adapt at different rates, so there is no specific formula to predict how long it will take. The same is true for grieving, and you are dealing with both situations.

Be kind to yourselves. You did a good job of it with your mothers; now you are care taking yourselves.

My dad passed two years ago leaving my mom, 86, and husband's aunt ,93, to help care for.

I certainly understand the hyper stress. My situation helped bring on a minor stroke in March. Then they found a congenital hole in my heart so a little surgery to patch the hole. Now I am in recovery mode which has really helped destress.

Unfortunately my duties with the old ones have been passed to my sister and husband along with their share of the work. I am following doctor's orders to the letter so rebound can be speedy.

I would encourage you and your wife to get outside everyday. Go for lunch, garden, walk and find some things you used to enjoy. Maybe connect with some old friends. A long weekend away?

For me, I was always on the edge of something terrible happening, which triggered a fast heartbeat, shaking high alert response. After it ended, my brain and body was so used to that fight/flight response that I was literally in that state 24 hours a day. The brain learns the response to danger and immediately goes to that, even if there’s no imminent or apparent danger. It’s called PTSD, and it took me well over 2 years to recover. I’m not sure I’m over it. Therapy and medication for anxiety helped, as well as yoga and meditation. I don’t think you just get over it without some kind of intervention to the responses your body has learned.

I am sorry for your mother's loss. May take six months, even two years to recover. Vacation time for some fun will help. If not enough improvement in six months, perhaps professional help is needed.

Hyper-stress mode is a good way to put it. I was on high alert when my husband and I brought my stepdad here to die. After he died it was a huge relief that his suffering was over but I was still buzzing with nerves.

We just needed time to be numb. I caught up on tv shows I recorded and didn't have time to watch and I was just quiet. Take time to reconnect with your wife, each taking your own quiet time throughout the days. Go for walks, or drives, stop for lunch or dinner and just get out of the house when you can. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling and let it out. There wasn't anyone else who knew what it felt like so he was a safe person for me to be completely honest with.

The two of you are very admirable people. Taking care of both mothers (I’m assuming not simultaneously) for a 4 year stretch shows very unselfish hearts.

When someone moves into your home, you no longer have the privacy you long for. Snuggling with your mate on the sofa and watching a great flick while sipping your favorite beverage was gone. Now it’s time for the two of you.

I agree with some of the other comments, in that a vacation is a great thing to do. But if you cannot afford to do so, then just take a long weekend at home with the two of you. Tell the rest of the family that you need some time alone and to not call.

I have been caring for my wife (a 67 y.o. Who is living with Alzheimer’s) for nearly 2 years now. I myself don’t understand what normal is like. I too will grieve when she is gone. I likely will be in your shoes when she does pass. But I pray I’ll get through the pain.

If I may, let me share this verse from the Bible. Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for the good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose.” It’s that last part I’d like to focus on. “…called according to His purpose.” Your purpose for 4 years was caregiving for your moms. Now it’s time for the two of you.

Look into each other’s eyes, apologize, forgive and love. Applaud yourselves for the stamina you had. It’s okay to talk about the rough times and the incidents that infuriated you both. But don’t stay there. Also talk about what awesome people you are for the care you did provide.

Lastly, if you don’t have it now, look into Long Term Care insurance for you both. If you have children, it will help them care for you when you reach the point of not being able to care for yourselves. I’m sure you’ve said, “I don’t want to put this kind of burden on our kids.”

I pray for your recovery!
Terry

Check out GriefShare.com and see if there are any groups starting up in your area. It's a 13 week program held in many local churches. I found it so helpful to learn some tools to process my grief. As one participant said, "Normal is just a setting on a washing machine."

Years. Not months. And it'll be a different normal.

But as one of the AgingCare hugs used to say, it's okay not to be okay. Be kind to yourselves.

Sorry for your losses. It takes time to adjust to anything major

I think you should go on a vacation! A change of location could really be helpful.

I cared for my mom for four year beginning in 2011. She passed five-year ago, now, doesn't seem possible. There was never a return to normal for me. I am still figuring out what normal is.

Are you able to take a vacation together? Something relaxing, lay on a beach, sip drinks, read books, no cooking, cleaning, anything, and maybe try to reconnect with yourselves and each other?

It can take a while but it does get better; things aren't ever the same, you learn to live with it.


Prayers and Blessings

I'm very sorry for your loss. It can take a good while. It's so fresh and new. I was irritable and easily-angered and stressed, etc., for a good six months. Please realize that anything you feel is ok, and that it's normal to go through ups and downs. And you and your wife will most assuredly have different cycles and different reactions/stresses. I found that several sessions with a therapist was extremely helpful - just to have a safe place to say whatever I wanted to say with no judgment. I'd suggest doing that individually. Wishing you peace.

Im so sorry for the loss of your mom.

It will take a while, so please be patient. You and your wife are not only grieving now, but also trying to get your life back to "normal." And I'm sure you already know that your life will never be completely back to your old normal, as what you have been through the last 4 years has changed you both forever.
Instead you will now have to get used to your "new normal" which can be scary and exciting at the same time. So take some deep breaths, be kind to each other and be patient. Things will eventually fall into place.
Condolences on the death of your mother.

Raysot, I'm so sorry for your loss!

From experience, it takes a while to stop being hyper-alert. Have you tried any meditation apps? They can be quite effective at calming your nervous system down.