My husband is 4 years younger than me, healthy, competent and helpful. A practical engineer, he can fix and build almost anything. He doesn’t respond well to ‘slow down’.
I am not traveling too well at the moment, leaning on him a lot, but wondering how I would cope on my own. What if he had the problems I suddenly acquired a few months ago?
Are any more of us wondering how much ‘reliance’ is a good idea? It is often one parent relying on the other parent, rather than wondering about your own relationship. The possibility of the ‘support’ collapsing doesn’t get a mention until things suddenly go wrong!
Is it best ignored, or is there a plan?
What does that mean?
My partner and I met in latter life. We had EACH raised two daughters, to whom we hope to leave our FORTUNES (now is the time that you can giggle).
Therefore, we met with a Trust and Estate Attorney.
We worked out what --essentially--would be what at our deathes.
That's--------------------sorry.....................about the best you can do.
Do see an attorney. Trust and Estate. For the supposition that one of you WILL lose the other. For the instructions of what is to happen when/not if that happens.
See a Trust and Estate Attorney now to discuss TOGETHER with him/her what the two of you wish to happen.....................
IF...
You have now entered the magical land of "what if".
I assure you there is no fun to be had here.
None whatsoever.
And the more there is to "leave to" the more problematic it becomes.
That is to say that having money is a real pain.
Oh oh.
The plan is this.
Imagine hubby tomorrow swallowed by the great white shark.
What would you do?
I am serious here.
If you are watching YOUTUBE TV and awaiting the next episode of Naked and Afraid Last Man Standing, you could be in trouble.
It is time to get your name also on ALL bills. Everything. The garbage, the water, the lights and gas--everything.
You know already.
Take care of it NOW.
Margaret, I am WITH you.
It is time to get our names on the utilities, the bills (AAA do Aussies have it? we just needed to call it; I am NOT on it!)
Yes. You are a loyal member of AC. You are awakening? What do I need to do? What should be addressing? What should women (and men) be addressing now that we can/when we can?
And yeah. You should be addressing it now. Join me!
We need to start making ourselves safe. Most of us (sorry) on this Forum are WOMEN and we are not seeing it to it that we can make ourselves as safe as we should be if we are suddenly left A-L-O-N-E. And we may be.
Prompted by a few things ….
Things we have learned from watching how our parents lacked planning in some areas .
DH and I will both be 60, next year.
DH has limited function to his dominant hand and it is getting worse . I have significant arthritis in many areas , I do most of the physical chores .
We have added a good trusted handyman , plumber , electrician , landscaper/mowing and will be for the first time considering snow removal , as it is getting difficult for me to do. Our search for an easier to maintain condo has been suspended for now . Waiting for DH to retire to possibly move closer to the kids . We will see .
It is really feeling like we are micromanaging and planning for the end , meanwhile my MIL is still denying the end is coming at age 87 and declining . DH and I have shifted our thoughts , not feeling responsible for rushing in to manage her care and make up for her lack of planning. She is the only one of our parents who did not assign POA to anyone. DH has given it much thought , he will not be seeking guardianship , nor will he accept emergency guardianship if it is ever offered to him by a social worker . She has made her bed and will likely either die in her home or become a ward of the state . It would be difficult to manage being her guardian since she owns a home with her SO and they share bank accounts . They refuse to go to a lawyer to have things spelled out .
I am often thinking recently how DH’s and my parents were not feeling any of the weight we have felt . They entered retirement with excitement , and had long fun retirements in much more denial about anything until hitting over 80. Sometimes I am jealous of their blissful ignorance that they had due to the fact they never had any responsibilities or caregiving for their own parents .
Caregiving that we did for my parents and my FIL has taught us some things , but it also took a lot away from us.
We are both aware that we have relied on each other the past 37 years in various ways . Yes it’s a scary to have that change.
But I doubt it he remembers me telling him where is the main water turn off valve or the ground-fault outlet is located in case some power goes out in certain areas of the house. He's an absent minded professor, been that way his whole adult life according to his grown children. Unfortunately he doesn't dress like Fred MacMurray. Oh dear.
I need to get back on the routine of switching chores. He's trained on using the washing/dryer, the dishwasher, the stove, toaster oven, and the garage door opener. I still need to show him how to change a light bulb otherwise he would really be in the dark. Or he would just wait until his son-in-law or daughter-in-law comes to visit.
And hubby is trained to stay away from my tool box, as he has no idea on how to use what is in it. I think the fear of a tool-box is in the genes as hubby's grown son and daughter are the same way. My Dad and his brothers all trained their daughters on how to fix things :)
Yet, I do worry about the what if's, it's just human nature.
My daughter was the one who could use tools and change a plug; her husband bakes the bread and is much better with an iron. However, they can both do the main tasks now.
I can also do most things (Mum was in the army and didn't believe in division of work by sex), but I'm too short to change the inset ceiling lights, even with my trusty folding steps. I'll have to get help on that job.
I'm pretty sure their adult children will have a problem on their hands!
My dad dropped dead at 41 leaving my mom, who had grown up on a farm and had never drawn a paycheck, with 6 kids and without a clue. No way could anyone have planned for something like that.
My husband at 79 is alive but he can no longer be relied on for anything except making things more difficult.
I am grateful I didn’t wake up one morning alone like my mom; I was given a glimpse at the hourglass and even though it made my stomach hurt I started picking up blue jobs and digging into files.
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me pay better attention from day one - lack of time? avoidance of mortality?
A massive re-location when the ‘support’ began to wane gave me an excuse to make sure my name was on everything and the files and accounts were set up in a way that made sense to me. Nothing was ever going to make sense to my husband again. I snatched our new home inspection report and hid it like the holy grail. When something goes haywire with our new (old) house it will be handy.
It doesn’t really matter whether it happens suddenly or bit by bit, one half of the couple is eventually going to end up with all the jobs. It’s not pleasant to think about but it would have been a very loving thing for both of us to make sure the other was as prepared as possible.
But my issues are different, and might be similar to those of some of our posters’ parents who have run businesses or farms. If you let your man (or your father or BIL) run things, what happens when it stops? How much has he ‘hoarded’ in the back of those sheds?
For me now, the crunch is because we are moving. I have spent the afternoon, feeding DH’s uni delivery lecture notes into the fire, after separating out all the plastic dividers for separate disposal. It took hours, and it could have been done 10+ years ago. That’s just my part of sorting out his belongings, let alone me sorting out my own decisions about double set of things down here and which to get rid of (no I can’t remember what is better up in Alice Springs).
When should we start preparing for ‘the end’? When should we start ‘taking over’ as competent (but not pushy) wives -?---------------
But would your husband have welcomed you organizing his papers 10 years ago? Would you have even had the time with all your own home and career responsibilities?
When it came time for us to move, my husband had accumulated a triple car garage packed to the rafters with tools, miscellaneous building materials and scavenged ‘junk’.
I saw it happening, but after a few strongly rebuffed attempts to intervene, I decided it wasn’t my business what he did in his cave. I closed the door (ok, I slammed it a little) and walked away.
I wasn’t thinking the day would come when his brain simply would not allow him to sort or pack or haul it off himself and I would have to do it for him.
Should I have foreseen the impending disaster and started pushing 10 years earlier? I did try. Had I been successful it would have made the move easier but would have caused a lot of strife for 10 years preceding it.
So, when is it best to start physically preparing for the end….probably at the beginning if one can do that without becoming a drudge. Mentally though, I don’t think it’s very healthy to always have the end in the forefront of your mind and I don’t think most human beings are very good at it.
As to when we should start taking over, I’d say not until our competence is accepted as such by our husbands and not as pushiness. For me, I suspect that means never.
I hope you got some help.
retirement village in advance so we wouldn't be faced with making a decision at the last minute, after one of us needed extra care. My husband took a bad fall just before we signed a 2 yr lease. He suffered a massive brain bleed and died 12 hours later. I was quite ready to move into a retirement home. I may regret that decision before I know it.
For 30 years I relied on my husband for almost everything. He graciously handled everything while I ran the business (and I ran it Very well). It was wonderful - ignorance IS bliss. Then the other shoe suddenly dropped when husband had 2 strokes. I was completely overwhelmed but survived the trial by fire. I wouldn't recommend this unless your inside is made of steel.
Luckily I made it through that incredibly steep learning curve, but in hindsight I think I would choose to do the *exact same thing*. (It was wonderful during those first 30 years.) And now I'm catching up on the mundane practicalities of living. It Can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it!
It is good to see you back. Great big warm hug!
The best option is to acknowledge the challenges. Prepare as best you can. Be involved with a caring group of people from many generations. Help others that you can. Graciously ask for and accept help when offered.
This week: My mom (80's) watched out cat for a few days so I could treat hubby to a birthday trip out of state. In turn, he helped her with her GPS updates and a few house repairs. Take aways: We need each other. We all can help each other.
Nobody knows what the future will bring.
I was often bedridden for weeks at a time, until I had spinal surgery in my early 40s, and I couldn't stand for long periods for a couple of years or more. My daughter already knew how to cook (helped me when little, then experimented on her own) and she did what was necessary. Her boyfriend (now, her husband) used to come round and would help her in the kitchen. They became a very good team. He'd never cooked before, but now he's a great cook!
I think that sharing responsibilities and chores is the best way to ensure that everyone is capable, no matter what happens.