When to tell the truth if it will be upsetting?

Please take the nurse's advice, do not tell mum the house is sold. You can tell her everything is being taken care of the bills paid etc. Which is true, just not the bills she thinks.

Your Mum has dementia, she has OCD, she will forget your answer and ask the questions anyways, but she will have been extremely distressed when you tell her the house has been sold.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing what has to be done to ensure Mum is getting the care she needs.

Why do you feel guilty not telling your mom something that'll cause her great anxiety? Would you tell someone their hair or outfit looked terrible, or would you feel guilty not telling them the truth? This is the same thing.

You don't tell dementia/Alzheimer's patients the truth about a lot of things, because 1. They get upset, 2. They won't remember and will ask about it again, and 3. They'll get upset. That's why you don't tell someone over and over that their spouse has died (once is enough), and you don't tell them the house has been sold.

You’ve taken care of your mom and acted in her best interests. Each time she asks about home tell her some version of “later, when the doctors say it’s time” It’s not worth causing her stress and sadness over something that will never be different.

Well.

You feel bad because it's your habit to tell people the truth and you've been misleading your mother for six months now. But even if you were to tell her the truth in carefully phrased bite-size sections I seriously doubt she'd remember what you said the next day. If you're thinking in terms of helping her understand what has happened and why I'm afraid you've probably missed the boat.

Concentrate instead on improving her quality of life in her actual home, which is where she lives now. How does she spend most of her days?

Your Mom will never go home. Those lucid days will be less and less. She is in MC because she has been evaluated and she cannot live alone and she needs 24/7 care. Just play along.

I man I knew all my life was in a home. His daughter visited everyday.

Man "Can u take the car in for an oil change
Daughter "sure Dad"

Next day: Man "Did u take the car in?"
Daughter "yes Dad"
Next day: Man "Did u pick up the car"
Daughter " Yes Dad, its in ur driveway"
Man "Good"

I would visit my Aunt and she had a man friend who called her every day. And every time she talked to him she would say "Well, I don't know when they are going to let me out of here" She was there over 10 years.

There are lots of good lies you can tell her that will work.

1.Since the house was empty, bugs appeared and you are having the exterminators in but you have to work with their schedule.

2. After the bug folks, you needed to have touch-up paint.

3. After the heavy rains, a leak was discovered and you are having it fixed.

4. After leak fix, you have some carpet repair.

And so on. I used most of these and they seemed to make her happy. Using these also indirectly answer the 'when am I going home' question. When the work is done!

I hope you will begin to be able to change some of the semantics when you speak to yourself about all that is happening. The word guilt should be replaced with the word grief, because that is what all are experiencing in this decline for which no one is responsible.
Another way to prevent guilt (but not grief, which cannot be prevented now) is to tell the truth. The longer the truth is put off the more difficult. The person told the truth has so much more to work with, and the discussions will be so honest it may amaze you. My brother and I participated in the trajectory of his Lewy's diagnosis until his death, and he was/became a master at describing what his "world" looked like, and in knowing it was different from the world he inhabited before, and from the world of others. While he did dread where this would lead, he was glad he knew the reasons for the changes in his daily life. I paid all his bills and was his POA and Trustee; I gave him a monthly accounting, and he had a notebook to clip it into; this comforted him as he had always been very organized. His knowing where to find his list of who was paid when was his go to and his anxiety eased so many symptoms he had.
Be honest. Will there be grief and rage? YES! Is this not worth mourning? Is it not worth rage? The more uncertainty there is, then the more anxiety and feeling of betrayal. As a nurse, as a sister who traveled this journey with my brother until his death, that is what I recommend.

You are in a heartbreaking situation and my heart goes out to you. My mom has mild dementia now but I am already foreseeing the day that we may have to sell her home to pay for her long term care. I am not sure there is a right answer here. It seems to me that the nurses suggest what would be best for them, not necessarily for your mom. Because if she becomes upset, they are the ones who will have to deal with her upset, rage, grief over the loss of her home. Many health care professionals and caregivers have not been trained to deal with feelings and emotions of the people they are caring for. Heck, most people don't really know how to deal with their own and others' feelings because it is just something most of us are not taught how to manage. Many of us are taught to dismiss or ignore our negative feelings and hope they will go away. Others are chastised for being "too emotional" and told to get over it. Boys particularly are told not to cry, to man up, to be strong.

Feelings are barometers and when we are sad or afraid or angry, there is often good reason. I've always heard that even when memory goes, that people still have feelings so you may consider any one of a number of strategies for coping with your mom's profound sense of loss and also your own. I am not going to tell you not to feel guilty for what is going on and what you had to do because you will likely carry that guilt for a long time and telling you not to feel it won't help. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know that there's a cure or fix or right answer here. All I can do is be here with you between this rock and hard place that you find yourself in, that we all find ourselves in. At least we are not alone. We have each other to commiserate with and vent to.

Living through a similar situation- the best thing we can do for ourselves is to let go of the guilt. You are using the $$ as necessary to pay for care for her- the #1 priority...yes they all want to go back "home" as it's familiar- but not really possible with all the care needs. No guilt necessary (easier said than done) because you are doing what's best for your mother...

The answer is NEVER. Why stress her out? The chances are she will not remember and ask you again and you will be stressing her out (and yourself) like Groundhog Day each time. Shed the guilt and keep focused on the Greater Good. (Lakin1013 has some good comebacks).

Just tell her everything has been taken care of and there is no reason for her to worry; then smoothly pivot to another topic you know you can tell the whole truth about. I see a lot of advise on this forum that recommends lying to elderly relatives. Even with dementia, most people can sense that they are being lied to and that may be one reason why she questions you over and over again. Try to avoid outright lying if you can. Emphasize the positives in her current living situation and do not encourage false hope that she will be able to go home again. Even with dementia patients, encouraging false hopes breeds distrust and guilt. It impedes adjustment and fractures relationships with loved ones.

You did what you had to do - sell the house. No, do NOT tell her the reason. She will deny it and not understand and get upset. I would distract her and tell her gently when the doctors say she can go home, you will let her know. She needs to know nothing more. There is nothing you can do except be kind and tend to her affairs as she can't.

The problem if you tell her and she gets upset is she won't remember from day to day, so EACH TIME you tell her, she'll get DOUBLY upset. Pretend you are in a MOVIE and playing a role. Saying "everything's fine, everything is being taken care of" is a KINDNESS to her. No need to feel guilty. I am sorry you are going through this and glad your mom has you to visit her. I am alone and never visited except MAYBE once a month by one cousin and MAYBE once or twice a month by my son when he takes out the garbage and leaves (doesn't stay to visit). Your mom is so LUCKY to have you.

Maybe have her sign some phony papers you can type up on the computer so she has a FEELING of being in charge of something. Use some kind of legal chit chat to show her this and that is paid.

The year after mom in law was admitted to the care facility (alzheimers/dementia), her daughter passed away. We didn't tell her, staff asked us not to because it would upset her. We felt bad, but wanted to keep her as calm as possible. She never asked about the house but was worried about the stray cats she fed. We just told her they were fine. She didn't remember even asking about them. We did what we had to.

My dad has dementia and he is currently in a rehab facility after having his leg amputated above the knee. I was caring for him in my home prior to the surgery. But now I just don't think it would be safe for him to be with me because I work full time and he keeps forgetting he is missing his leg. He wants to walk on his own. I've agonized over this and he keeps asking me when he'll be coming back home. He says he's sick of being there. Finally, after mustering up all my
courage, I told him that his health, safety, and wellbeing are the most important things to me and that I need to do what's in his best interest. I told him that I would be unable to give him the care he needs and deserves with my current schedule and my obligations. I would feel neglectful. He said he understood but about 20 minutes later he forgot our entire conversation and asked again.

The doctor told me sometimes you just have to do strategic lying to make things easier on everyone. So I tell him when he's stronger and all healed we can decide if he is ready to come back.

I am currently in the process of getting him approved for Medicaid and I feel guilty about putting him in a nursing home, guilty about lying, and exhausted from everything else involved in the whole process. I'm a single mom with 3 kids, running my own business and I feel frustrated with myself that I can't make it all work with my dad too. It makes me feel like a bad daughter but I know I have to do what is best for everyone.

If you feel like you have to tell her, write a letter explaining why you did what you had to do. Then explain why you will not be telling her the full truth about the situation ever again, because her brain is broken and her understanding gone. Explain how much this hurts you and how much you wish she could be healthy and whole and live at home, then burn it and consider the truth told and any explanation needed done, then let it go.

Try to make your visits active enough to occupy her attention. It can be done and you may find that you guys can laugh together while you are keeping her so in the present that there isn't a moment to question you.

We went thru this as well and earlier this year, in February, after a year of her begging to go "home" we did just that. We removed her from the facility she had been in for a year, which ended up being bad, mostly due to the lockdown .We were so thankful to be taking her back home. We felt it would help her spirit and give her joy.
And then, the nightmare began... She had no idea she was home, sitting in her living room with all of her possessions around her. Her home of 53 years. She didnt recognize any of it. We were mortified. She kept asking when she was going home 😟 we found a better mc facilty for her, which is where she is now. In July we sold her home because we knew she would never go back. We will never tell her. It will serve no purpose. Try to let go of the guilt. We do what we have to do to make sure she has the best care. Thats all any of us can do.

LINDA165: Imho, a lot of elders talk about "going home" even when it's not a reality. Use the proverbial fib.

Probably best to just let her know the home is ok (since somebody else is caring for it), bills are being paid, and everything is fine. Since she has Alzheimer's dementia, the "home" she might be referring to might not even the the one you sold.

Tell her she can go home when she gets better. That's technically not a lie. She'll never get better, she won't go home.

You did the right thing. She is safe and is where she needs to be.

I’m in this exact situation with my mother. Memory care for six months now and we had to sell her house to pay her expenses. Occasionally, she says “I think I’ll go home Friday” or some other random comment about going home. My brother and I told her months ago that it was time to sell and we would handle it. We’ve decided telling her the house sold would be too much for her to handle emotionally, plus we believe she’ll forget what we said, so why put her through that? We take one day at a time and if she says she’s going back to her house “next week” I’ve learned to say “ok”. Then she forgets she said it til it comes up again. I’m heartbroken that we had to sell her house but we had no choice. I’ve learned that she doesn’t have to know everything and the kindest thing we can do is not tell her anything that would upset her. She even still mentions my dad, as if he’s alive, which he isn’t. I just listen and agree with whatever she says. She’ll forget in the next few minutes after she mentions something like that. My goal now is to spare her any unnecessary distress. You did the right thing. Sometimes my mother has lucid moments and I second guess our decisions. But then I remember that she’ll never get better, only worse, so she’s where she needs to be. This is a tough season for a family. Sending big hugs to you. ❤️

You had to do what you did. It's not unusual for people who have moved to memory care to ask about "going home." This is in some ways a symbolic question. What they really want is to be like they used to be - self-reliant, independent, able to do what they wanted. This is not going to happen. My mother asked the same question, even though she was the one who initiated the sale of her house. People in memory care do not remember things and it doesn't pay to keep repeating certain things. Maybe it's time to tell her that she needs to be in a place where she can get more care. Keep telling her that you are taking care of everything and she doesn't have to worry about it. Talk to the nurse at her facility and her personal doctor to see if she needs calming medications. There are natural medications like Melatonin, that might help.

I think these words from Maya Angelou speak volumes to the challenges of relating to someone with dementia...

"I've learned that people will forget what you've said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Knowing you want her to feel relaxed, calm and safe, keep this in mind. I hope it eases the guilt.

If the house was there would you agree to her going home and looking after herself.
Can she care for herself better now than when she moved to where she it.
What can she remember about the house.
With dementia people often go back in their lives and the house they remember is not the last one they lived in, it may even be one from her childhood - that is not something you can provide even if everything else would be OK.
I don't think you should tell her anything about the house, follow the guidance of the nurses, they have been in the exact same position many times before and have learnt the best way to stop the residents becoming anxious and agitated.