When your mother points out every little flaw. Any advice on how to deal with this?
I posted here about 3 weeks ago and I am glad I did. Thanks to everyone that responded. It helps a lot to know that I am not the only one trapped in an impossible situation. Tomorrow I take my mother to her surgery consult appointment. It’s a 45 minute drive to the doctor and from the time I get my mother in the car till we get to the doctor she will talk nonstop about everything that is wrong with her, the medical care she will get and her to do list. Since we are going to “town” I will be expected to look nice and use my manners while I am in the waiting room, so that my behavior doesn’t affect her medical care. My mother is convinced that how she looks and more importantly how I look directly influences what kind of medical care she will get. My mother notices everything about my personal appearance and if she notices anything that is potentially “not right” she will lecture me endlessly. If I have a pimple for example she will needle me about skin care and facial washes and seeing a dermatologist. If my clothes are wrinkled she will lecture me about dry cleaners and ask me if I need to borrow starch or an iron. She will mention this over and over in the span of 30 minutes. I’m in my 50’s and I’ve had hair loss since I was in my 30’s. I was having lunch with my mother in a restaurant one time and she stopped eating and looked at me and loudly exclaimed “In another year or so you will be so bald your whole head will be as oily as your forehead”. Any advice from anyone on how to deal with abusive cracks about personal appearance that go on and on and on with little to no point?????
Give her the "OK, hon, we are going to play a game, because I'm bored. I have heard this. The game is called 'You don't get to speak unless you have something nice to say'. The game starts NOW!" When she gives a mean response tell her "I hope I am not going to have to set you off at the side of the road, hon. You are going to have to try harder".
If you keep taking it, then it remains. If somebody said that to me I would walk away or drive her back home. Tell her she can get her own caregiver.
Tell her if she continues to degrade you that you will be DONE. Then follow through.
I eventually realized why she was like this. She came up in the 40s/50s. She was never expected to go to college. Secretarial school maybe, but that was it. It never even occurred to her to have a career (still doesn't!). She was expected to marry, have a baby and stop working, because she couldn't make it on her own. And it's not like she had any role models to look up to; there wasn't a female doctor, lawyer, or CEO on TV in those days, let alone one in the neighborhood.
So, she'd better be as pretty as possible to get men to notice her, to get noticed at all. Hence her thinking she'll get better treatment from the doctor if she looks nice.
Those early life lessons of what you were told to be are hard to unlearn. She picks out all the flaws in herself because she feels it's all she has to offer.
[There's of course nothing wrong with being a stay-home mom. What matters is having options. My mother's generation didn't have the options the upcoming generation does.]
My mother wore makeup before having surgery!
Of course, I tried to get her to remove it before arriving for surgery.
She refused so I let the doctor deal with it.
When the doctor told her to wash her face in the bathroom, she did.
Their generation wore make up to get the mail or newspaper in.
They were dressed to kill and they had to have drop dead figures to fit in the fashion from the 40’s, which no one can deny was extremely fashionable!
They wore pearls. They wore high heels! That was simply their style so anything else appears sloppy to them.
My mother is still beautiful at 95 years old!
Did mom criticize me and everyone else on the planet? You bet she did! She is a full blown perfectionist!!!
My mom is oblivious to newscasters not having hair stylists and makeup artists due to the pandemic and says how awful they look compared to pre Covid days!
Please don’t expect your mom to change.
I found peace when I stopped expecting change. It’s not going to happen!
Was there a time that it drove me crazy? Absolutely! Not anymore.
She is who she is and I am who I am.
There are some ways that mom and I are alike and other ways that we are polar opposite.
You are you. Your mom doesn’t have to approve, right?
If she works on your nerves too badly, step away. If needed, make arrangements for others to help out.
It’s terribly frustrating when dealing with certain issues.
Pick and choose what is important.
Set your boundaries. Let go of the rest.
It is not worth your time and energy to get upset over things beyond your control.
No one has the power to change anyone else. We can only change our reaction to it.
Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to vent, then move onto more pleasant thoughts.
Take care, dear lady. I wish you peace. I have been there!
I feel your pain. I took care of my mom for 20 years, 15 of those in my home.
I felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders when I stopped being the primary caregiver.
If it wouldn’t be life threatening, it would be very entertaining! 😆
my mother isn’t yet THAT bad, but she’s on her way!
After 2 short visits where all she could do was 'mourn' because I looked so bad and it bothered HER, I just went grey rock and didn't talk to her until about 4 months post chemo when my hair began to come back. She was and is still fixated on how bad I look (and yes, chemo will ravage every cell in your body, but I am by no means 'hideous'.)
I just don't talk to her unless I know I am strong enough to handle it. And that's not often.
My MIL is OBSESSED with my weight and the fact I rarely do 'full makeup'. Why she'd care about either of those things is beyond my scope. She told me to my (unmade up face) that she hoped I'd die from the cancer.
I told her I probably WILL, but not for a long time. Pretty sure that disappointed her a lot.
People like this we do not need in our lives.
you wrote:
how to deal with abusive cracks about personal appearance that go on...with little to no point?
--unfortunately, there is a point.
all these criticisms of you, make HER FEEL GOOD.
every time, these narcs (often narc mothers against sweet daughters) take you down, they FEEL GOOD. it makes them feel great. like a high. like a victory dance. (do not say you're hurt. that only makes them happy.) (they know you're hurt. they want it!)
there's no end to it.
the only solution is: low or no contact (i don't want no contact).
hug!
i experience many of the same examples as you.
you might even notice, that looking back at life...many of your health issues (for example, typical is over-eating, stress eating) come from this bad treatment from our mothers.
it's stressful to be tortured.
psychological abuse is torture.
there are consequences to being tortured.
if you're told terrible things every day...criticized every day...how can you be happy?
but we mustn't let these narcs win.
we must succeed in life (how ever you want to define success). succeed!
professionally, personally, in relationships...
be happy! :)
Back when the kids were little I had one of the Harry Potter movies playing and my mother was watching. When the dementors came on I asked if she recognized anyone. The kids totally got it and they knew. even now when she tries to start up with me in front of others, especially when the kids are around (they get more satisfaction when there's an audience) I'll yell 'EXPECTO PATRONUM!' Then she's actually embarrassed. Especially when the kids (who are grown now) are around because they remember. With parents like this, they need to be called out every chance you get. Like when they're criticizing other parents about where they're lacking, then brag about all they did for their kids. I will ask in front of anyone, 'When? When did you ever do that for us?' Then she doesn't know what to say and shuts up. It works.
You are a grown adult and don't have to tolerate that abusive behavior from your mother or anyone else for that matter. It's high time you stood up to her. Let her know ahead of time before she needs you to take her somewhere that if she gives one unsolicited opinion concerning you, or makes one single negative comment that it will be the last time you take her anywhere or do anything for her. Then stick to it.
This is what I had to do and I haven't had very much of that bull crap from my mother for years now. She still attempts at gaslighting and instigating some drama because she's an expert at it and likes to keep her skills up, but I don't take the bait. When that starts or the negativity, or the complaining I completely ignore her and walk away.
Try it. I guarantee your mother will chill her game. Elderly folks often think that being old entitles them to speak their mind anyway they want no matter how hurtful. They learn quick when the threat of their needs not being met and not getting attention becomes real. Make it real to your mother and she'll knock it off. Mine did.