Should non-involved children be told their father is on Hospice?

My gut feeling would be to tell them. They may not respond or do anything about the situation but what would it hurt. Are you worried they would interfere?

I would tell "everyone" that you appreciate their advice and will (a) consider it (b) follow it (c) make your own decision, depending on how much you want these people involved and offering further advice, or just (d) thank them for their concern and drop the issue.

Are these people old time friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances? That level would I think be one of the factors of providing any future information to them, and/or taking their advice.

This is your life, your husband, and his family. Those are the relevant factors, not what "everyone" else tells you. Although some people have offered me advice, I find it irritating when someone presumes to know enough about our situation to offer unsolicited advice.

Some have been helpful over the years so I try to be tactful and just offer general updates. Some are just meddlers, so I usually cut the conversation short unless they have specific experience that benefits us. And those who have absolutely no idea what caregiving involves either get a quick explanation or an "oops; I have another call coming in."

I think this really is a toss-up - they might not be offering to care b/c they don't have any idea what to do, they don't perceive that you need it if you've never specifically asked them, just don't want to get involved, or just can't handle it.

However, given that he's in hospice, there may be some family members who want to address their absence, and make a last visit. You might consider e-mailing them just once and wait for their response. If they don't show any interest, I think you've done all you can and exhibited basic courtesy.

Knowing people, though, sometimes they create a fuss and friction after the fact when they discover someone has passed and they weren't even notified that death was so close.

In my opinion it hurts no one to send off a quick email, it is the right thing to do and in the coming months no one can accuse you of not being up front with them. What they choose to do with that info is up to them.

No, I am not worried about them interfering because my gut tells me there would be no response (which would hurt even more). I think after he passes they will be around because they think they are in his will and have something coming to them, which is not the case because he changed his will when he was of sound mind and able to do that.

I was very close to my parents so it is very difficult for me to understand.

I think you should send an email to at least one of them asking him/her to let the others know..

Maybe you should think about you instead of them. Which way would be less harmful to your wellbeing? Choose that route. BTW, glad to hear that about the will.

Windy's points are well taken. Think first of your own situation, and that of your husband. You wrote that it would hurt even more to know that you've updated them and they haven't responded. Perhaps that's your answer right there.

You sound great, but personally I don't think they deserve to know. On the other hand, sometimes unfortunately, some adult children come back into the picture when they feel it could benefit them. At some point down the road, if they try to dispute the will, they could claim that you were withholding information from them. My opinion is to tell them, just in case they have an issue with the will. Hope all goes well.

I do not know what they "deserve". I do know I would leave the a telephone message. Just one per child, "just wanted to let you know your dad is in hospice at blank facility". If they do not return the call, that would be my last communication, I would not advise them when the end comes.

I would email each of them once. How they choose to respond is up to them. Be clear that because of end of life care now being in place, that they are welcome to visit only if they call ahead, as he is often being cared for by the Hospice team, and often asleep, as well as that these visits must be convenient for you too, and that they must be kept relatively short, say one hour, and that your husband needs absolute peace and quiet, so only one or two at a time. I know that you do not want to have kept them from their father, even if they have acted less than stellar in his time of need, and yours. Regrets are hard to live with, so do give it one last try. Also, nobody truly knows what others are thinking or what feelings they are harboring from past hurts. You might be surprised (though probably not), and they now start stepping up to offer you assistance. And your husband may find peace and comfort from calls and visits from his children. I'm sorry they haven't been as involved as you both would have liked. Sometimes people don't know how to act when faced with dementia and ilness. I have been facing this with my husband's siblings, as they rarely call their Dad, and have never visited him in 12 years. You would think his own kids would have acted differently, but sadly not. You are kind to consider them. Take care.

I think, if I were faced with this problem, I'd go ahead and send the absent children a brief group e-mail letting them know the situation. That way you've covered all the bases--they can respond if they want to do so, and they can't complain later that you kept their father's condition a secret. For what it's worth, I seldom get a response when I e-mail my three siblings with updates on our father. Because Dad is fully competent mentally and talks to Mom and two of my siblings regularly, I recently quit sending them updates on minor events (such as uneventful visits to specialists). However, if he were gravely ill, I would contact them with the news.

Maddie, when you wrote "July of 2015 he had an episode that included a 911 call" seem to be the turning point with your husband's children. They probably cannot wrap their brains around what is happening to their Dad, and that is understandable. Their Dad is no longer the Dad they knew for all those decades, it's like he is someone else.

I vote with the other writer's above, send email or call the children and let them know that their Dad is on his final journey with Alzheimer's, and if possible for them to come to visit him, even though he might not know who they are. If they decline, it could be they want to remember their Dad pre-Alzhimer's. Always keep the door open for them to call, email or visit.

Take the high road even if they have taken the low road. (Do unto others . . .)
It will allow you to have no regrets and it will eliminate the possibility of any nasty comment from them that 'if they had only known . . .' Send an email to all of them and keep a copy just for your peace of mind.

Do and forget about it. Spend time with your husband and know that others are thinking of you.

I have a couple of thoughts. One is that when things that are too painful in ones life ( and that you have no control over ) happen

Sorry posted before finished.
Trying to say that we sometimes have to disassociate from painful situations in order to bear the pain. children who were left to deal with their parents divorce through no fault of their own sometimes have to distance themselves. I realize these children are grown but they are his children and regardless of their current relationship they are connected.
After you notify them, they may or may not respond. That's their right. They have probably had a lot of practice saying goodbye to their father. Full disclosure and transparency are less judgmental and leave you with less to regret.
I would notify them and should they visit, I would give them a few minutes alone with their dad.

Since they were contacted in July 2015 in an emergency situation in order to help orient their dad, I would think that an update of his condition would be in order. Even if they don't respond. It's not what they do, but what you do. And there must be something there if you resorted to calling them in that emergency. I'm not sure I understand that at all.

I do feel for you in this very sad time. I hope that whatever you decide, you will find peace with it.

I would contact one of the children by phone and have that child inform the siblings. An email seems too impersonal to let someone know their father is dying. I understand your hesitance about informing them, but not doing it might have a negative impact.

If you do call one, make sure they are reliable. Leaving the burden on one child, could resort in the word not getting to the others and then there is a new issue of who is to blame if one was contacted and not the others.

I am in a similar situation. This includes my oldest sibling, the other one died...Mom is declining, but the oldest, has not been able to come down and see mom since our middle sibling died last year. Doesn't ask about mom's condition, nor our Aunt's condition on my dad's side, whom I take care of as well...Do I tell sibling when mom or aunt dies? Do I wait to see if anyone cares enough to ask? Nobody visits Mom or aunt expect my child, spouse, and me......Mind you, Mom has 3 other grandkids...None of them call, visit, or ask how is grandma? How is great aunt? NOTHING....Oh well,,, don't know if I can take the high road, me thinks they already wrote them off as dead. If they were interested, they would have emailed, called, or visit them.. Good luck, when it's over, and you have 2nd thoughts, after hubby dies, it will be too late.... If you are wondering, and asking, then, you know what is right for you, your spouse, and his kids...

Your husband is on Hospice. My mom was on hospice, then they graduated her as not needing help. She is out of harm's way. Hospice has taken a more strict rule it seems like...Do what your conscience tells you....It looks like take the better way, and contact them in some way....Just thought you kids should know, your father is on hospice.....Call us, come over...We are here....The doors are open....

I agree with the others who said they would try to contact them once. I would not chase them down or force anything. I wouldn't even expect anything but some people feel very strongly about being able to say goodbye and perhaps they would like that ability even if they have shown no interest in his life prior. Worse than happens is nothing comes of it and the stepchildren are left with their own guilt as to why they never made a point to see him. Plus you don't want to risk ever feel guilty or wonder if they might have come if you had contacted them. You have to do what is best for everyone involved. Since you find yourself asking if you have to, that probably means in your mind you are having concerns about not informing them and if you do so you can at least go to bed every night knowing you tried and they made their choice.

As for your father, sometimes people hold on waiting until they get to talk to everyone and he might benefit from having them come and see him so he knows they are ok and if they do not come you can let him if he asks, know you at least tried to contact them. (not sure how coherent your dad is).

Sorry I meant as for their father not your father obviously. It's past 5 am and been a really long night here at my household since my grandma has decided not to sleep again. I hate anxiety filled nights.

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Telling the children about hospice is definitely the right thing to do as someone else mentioned here. It would be a good idea to at least tell them even if the relationship really wasn't the best. They may not want to get involved if the parent was abusive toward them in some way when they were younger. Not every uninvolved relative is necessarily at fault because you never know the real situation behind it all. I don't really know your family situation, but I can tell you that these days it seems bad relationships are on the rise. Depending on the situation will determine whether or not other relatives want to get involved later, and in the specific case of past abuse, past victims may not even be able to be involved given the circumstances at hand. One example is my abusive bio parents. I never knew when either of them died until I happened to have found out one way or another. It would have been good had someone told me at very least so at very least I would've known something was up. Because I was denied as part of the family, it was as though I never existed to them despite there being proof that I really am biologically theirs. We just never know the reasons for why someone is on involved, it may be through no fault of their own, but rather than a choice of the patents. Depending on the situation, this may be a situation where someone is reaping what they sowed. We just never know since families are different

So Maddi656 did you contact his children?

Definitely let them know. I have two children (ages 59 and 57), whose father left us when they were small. He never provided support of any kind, although we did stay friends with his parents. Despite the neglect over the years, when their biological father was near death, they felt the need to be with him at the end. It was cathartic in a strange way for both of them. They were raised by a loving stepfather who adopted them at the ages of 4 and 6.

Tell them ASAP.

We don't really know the dinamics of his previous family. His children may not have been close since childhood. Another man may have raised them. Be better than them. Send an email telling them the situation. Invite them to visit. Will he know them? They may feel if he doesn't no reason to visit. They may not need that closer.

Just want to say...my Mom was one of 4. Her father left when she was small to live with a woman he had 3 children by. He forgot his first family and bragged about his second. My own daughter has no feelings towards her real father. He allowed my husband to adopt her and walked away.

I personnally would not rely on one person to get info to another. Each time the story is repeated, it will change a little. I think calling each one individually is better. Then, you've done ur job and just let events take their course.