Because you want to pretend to be Superwoman? Placing an elder in a managed care environment means that we hold up the white flag of surrender, admitting we aren't Superwoman, that we can't Be All Things to All People At All Times. It's saying that it requires a team of people working 24/7 to care for our loved one, vs. one person killing herself 24/7 to do a barely acceptable job of it. It means we accept the fact that we're human. Women especially tend to feel guilty that we can't be Superwoman, that's why.
Reality interjects into the fantasy world we've built up in our minds and creates guilt where there shouldn't be any. If we were to be honest with ourselves from the get-go, there would be no guilt, only the admittance of imperfection and the need for help. In reality, it took several shifts of caregivers working 24/7 to accomplish the task of caring for my wheelchair bound mother who had dementia and a host of other health issues too numerous to mention. Why WOULD I have thought I was capable of doing that job myself? That's the real question.
Change out your G words and you will understand that what you feel is really more GRIEF. Guilt assumes that you are an evil doer, a felon who wishes harm to others. That you could change this if you chose to. Grief understands that this is no doing of yours, that you only want the best for the person you love, and that you are powerless to work a magical "fix it" on things. Words matter. Use the right one. You are grieving, and all the losses of aging are well worth the grieving. Allow yourself the grief, but you are not to blame, so let the guilt word go. I wish you the best and am so sorry for your pain.
AlvaDeer, Thank you for this! You just touched my heart in a way no one else has been able to. You are so very right! I know I too feel such guilt and I'm aware I'm experiencing anticipatory grief but never put the 2 together until now. So many times over the past couple of years I've had others tell me I have no reason to feel guilty, I've tried to get it through my head myself... But it's not guilt, it's grief. The light has come on and I am so very grateful to have read this post and your response. I believe you have helped many of us with this answer. I am grateful, thank you 💓
We have been conditioned to think that putting a LO in a care facility is bad. It isn’t. Some of the kindest and most caring people work in those facilities and they do a much better job taking care of LOs than we do.
Lots of us here feel/felt guilty about placing a loved one in a home….so you are not alone.
But I can tell you that at the end of the day, I come home to a place where I can rest and be there for myself…bc you can’t be there for her if you are spent! My mom’s been in a home for two years now, just turned 90. None of her 7 kids could deal with her; she did not manage her money well (gambling addiction) and would not listen to reason. She wandered off once to the bank and caused a scene. She fell and broke her hip. She got lost driving. And that was a couple of months before being placed in MC. I know she is at the end on her life and I know I did the best I could for her while she was alive. I also got myself into counseling to deal with “family Olympics”
I felt guilty also. I think most caregivers probably due. My guilt was driven by my desire to take care of her myself and not trust her care to strangers that do not have a familial relationship. I kept telling myself that I should be able to do this. Super woman and all that non-sense. I think I also felt guilty for wanting some of my life back. The tug of war between knowing that what is good for your loved one is not always good for you as the caregiver. Push through it. Make a solid plan and push through the moments of guilt and grief. What I found is my mom liked the changed. It ended up being good for her and for me.
I hope you find the following helpful and not a criticism of your feelings. When I define guilt as feeling bad about good intentions I never had it is, in my opinion, more honest and less confusing. When I put my mother in a nursing home when she was 86, she hated it at first but came to view it as home. She was sharp enough to know that my nephew lived with me so why couldn’t she? I knew I couldn’t take care of her in my home as she was total care by then. She had been living in a AL apartment, and they couldn’t keep her due to her wandering behavior. Long story short, she lived 13 more years. She had always been cranky but as she aged she became sweet and loving. Words I had never heard before - “I love you, give me a kiss” greeted me during every visit. My siblings lived all over the country and I told them how glad I was she chose to live near me. . Does this kind of transformation always happen? Of course not. But choosing not to introduce guilt into my relationship with her helped us both.
blondie97: While none of us may have an easy time placing our loved one in a managed care facility, there comes a time when we, a solitary person, cannot handle their care due to their medical needs. Therefore, they require the care provided by medical professionals in a facility setting. Since cloning ourselves isn't possible, our loved ones require the care provided by MANY hands and not just one individual.
I know the days that I can keep my mom at my house are limited and I know I will feel guilty. I will deal with it and will also enjoy returning to an independent life with my hubby. He's a saint!
Reality interjects into the fantasy world we've built up in our minds and creates guilt where there shouldn't be any. If we were to be honest with ourselves from the get-go, there would be no guilt, only the admittance of imperfection and the need for help. In reality, it took several shifts of caregivers working 24/7 to accomplish the task of caring for my wheelchair bound mother who had dementia and a host of other health issues too numerous to mention. Why WOULD I have thought I was capable of doing that job myself? That's the real question.
Guilt assumes that you are an evil doer, a felon who wishes harm to others. That you could change this if you chose to.
Grief understands that this is no doing of yours, that you only want the best for the person you love, and that you are powerless to work a magical "fix it" on things.
Words matter. Use the right one. You are grieving, and all the losses of aging are well worth the grieving. Allow yourself the grief, but you are not to blame, so let the guilt word go.
I wish you the best and am so sorry for your pain.
Thank you for this! You just touched my heart in a way no one else has been able to. You are so very right! I know I too feel such guilt and I'm aware I'm experiencing anticipatory grief but never put the 2 together until now. So many times over the past couple of years I've had others tell me I have no reason to feel guilty, I've tried to get it through my head myself... But it's not guilt, it's grief. The light has come on and I am so very grateful to have read this post and your response. I believe you have helped many of us with this answer. I am grateful, thank you 💓
But I can tell you that at the end of the day, I come home to a place where I can rest and be there for myself…bc you can’t be there for her if you are spent! My mom’s been in a home for two years now, just turned 90. None of her 7 kids could deal with her; she did not manage her money well (gambling addiction) and would not listen to reason. She wandered off once to the bank and caused a scene. She fell and broke her hip. She got lost driving. And that was a couple of months before being placed in MC. I know she is at the end on her life and I know I did the best I could for her while she was alive. I also got myself into counseling to deal with “family Olympics”
🙏🏽 For you. 🥰
Reality acceptance dictates that life is about change, nothing in life remains constant.
Do what is best for both you and your mother, the time has come to accept the reality of the situation, embrace it.
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