Why do I feel so guilty about putting my mom in a nursing facility?

I felt guilty also. I think most caregivers probably due. My guilt was driven by my desire to take care of her myself and not trust her care to strangers that do not have a familial relationship. I kept telling myself that I should be able to do this. Super woman and all that non-sense. I think I also felt guilty for wanting some of my life back. The tug of war between knowing that what is good for your loved one is not always good for you as the caregiver. Push through it. Make a solid plan and push through the moments of guilt and grief. What I found is my mom liked the changed. It ended up being good for her and for me.

I know the days that I can keep my mom at my house are limited and I know I will feel guilty. I will deal with it and will also enjoy returning to an independent life with my hubby. He's a saint!

Because you want to pretend to be Superwoman? Placing an elder in a managed care environment means that we hold up the white flag of surrender, admitting we aren't Superwoman, that we can't Be All Things to All People At All Times. It's saying that it requires a team of people working 24/7 to care for our loved one, vs. one person killing herself 24/7 to do a barely acceptable job of it. It means we accept the fact that we're human. Women especially tend to feel guilty that we can't be Superwoman, that's why.

Reality interjects into the fantasy world we've built up in our minds and creates guilt where there shouldn't be any. If we were to be honest with ourselves from the get-go, there would be no guilt, only the admittance of imperfection and the need for help. In reality, it took several shifts of caregivers working 24/7 to accomplish the task of caring for my wheelchair bound mother who had dementia and a host of other health issues too numerous to mention. Why WOULD I have thought I was capable of doing that job myself? That's the real question.

Think of it as grief, not guilt. Guilt is for those who are immoral, unethical and evil. You are none of those things.

We have been conditioned to think that putting a LO in a care facility is bad. It isn’t. Some of the kindest and most caring people work in those facilities and they do a much better job taking care of LOs than we do.

Grief for sure....................most mothers are hero figures; it is very painful to witness the deterioration if the end is painfully lingering. On the other hand, abrupt deaths haunt us forever. There are no easy answers to figure out whether the long goodbye is better than the shock of losing a loved one without warning.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion generally driven by fear. What do you fear?

Reality acceptance dictates that life is about change, nothing in life remains constant.

Do what is best for both you and your mother, the time has come to accept the reality of the situation, embrace it.

Because your mother raised a caring, responsible, loving child. You need to understand that your mother will be more comfortable and secure. You are not "dumping her and leaving her" you are doing the best thing possible. It takes some time to get used to her new situation- for both of you but you will soon realize you have more time to "be" with her because you don't have other things to worry about

Change out your G words and you will understand that what you feel is really more GRIEF.
Guilt assumes that you are an evil doer, a felon who wishes harm to others. That you could change this if you chose to.
Grief understands that this is no doing of yours, that you only want the best for the person you love, and that you are powerless to work a magical "fix it" on things.
Words matter. Use the right one. You are grieving, and all the losses of aging are well worth the grieving. Allow yourself the grief, but you are not to blame, so let the guilt word go.
I wish you the best and am so sorry for your pain.

Please stop feeling guilty. Most of us are not trained caregivers; we do our best, but there's usually a point at which we are in over our heads and our LOs need professional help. Today, most nursing homes are decent, some even exceptional ("Green House Projects" and "Eden Alternative" homes) - So, take a deep breath and visit the options in your area.

My mother had moderate bipolar mental problems and several health conditions. When my mother's care got beyond what I was capable of doing after two+ years, Kaiser sent her to a nursing home instead of back home alone. She hated it and blamed me for moving her out of our home, even threatened to take me into court at age 93. However, my professional family members told me I did the right thing for the best care interests of our mother. I was thankful for my family's help and it was a relief to me to finally have peace and some fun for myself besides having to find work back in 2012-13.

I hope you find the following helpful and not a criticism of your feelings. When I define guilt as feeling bad about good intentions I never had it is, in my opinion, more honest and less confusing. When I put my mother in a nursing home when she was 86, she hated it at first but came to view it as home. She was sharp enough to know that my nephew lived with me so why couldn’t she? I knew I couldn’t take care of her in my home as she was total care by then. She had been living in a AL apartment, and they couldn’t keep her due to her wandering behavior. Long story short, she lived 13 more years. She had always been cranky but as she aged she became sweet and loving. Words I had never heard before - “I love you, give me a kiss” greeted me during every visit. My siblings lived all over the country and I told them how glad I was she chose to live near me. . Does this kind of transformation always happen? Of course not. But choosing not to introduce guilt into my relationship with her helped us both.

I totally understand how you feel. I have a similar situation with my FIL. He didn't take care of himself a large chunk of his life, but he did after he got a wakeup call having prostate cancer and again a bit while watching my SIL battle cancer too and between those times he did stop drinking and try to eat healthier so we know in his right mind he could do well for himself with the right motivation. At the end of my SIL's battle he was very depressed and slipped somewhat back into those bad behaviors sadly. Then sometime around the time she passed he had a stroke; we thought all the weird we saw so long was depression but as it progressed, we suspected it was worse than depression then and we were right. After he was diagnosed vascular dementia and Alzheimer's we tried so hard to get him on a good path and stay there but we were sabotaged a lot by his brother who kept just saying live your life your way and do what you want and obviously as he lost impulse control and safety awareness the "do what you want" was much more appealing to him :(. That all was no good he wouldn't follow hardly any med advice and skipped meds etc. His vascular dementia got worse because he didn't follow his care plan at all, and he had 3 more hospital stays after the first where we got really clued in. All in a year or so... This last hospital stay it felt very much like the Dr was implying we were neglectful. The hospital, the rehab and care center all stated he skipped the assisted living stage straight to memory care needed badly. BUT once in with all those supports in place that he had previously refused to do on his own he has done very well! He is doing so well it's up for debate if he should try AL but we strongly suspect if he has the option of poor choices, he will not make good ones still, and we will be back where we started and we are already blamed and hated and will be again when it fails. It feels like a no win. The whole thing is exhausting, and I agree it feels like guilt but it's really grief, horrible grief for having done what had to be done but it still feels terrible to have to do. We even started grief counseling and it helped to be able to vent and cry it out but we won't be able to do it as consistently with our summer work schedules :( so our mental health is going to take another hit. Sometimes I read these posts and it's just like a bright light turning on knowing we are not the only ones. That is why I replied not to give advice because I sure don't have the sucess story I'd like myself but to say your feelings are valid and I get it! People don't talk about it a lot because it's so hard but LOTS of people feel just like you do. Bets wishes to you and yours.

Lots of us here feel/felt guilty about placing a loved one in a home….so you are not alone.

But I can tell you that at the end of the day, I come home to a place where I can rest and be there for myself…bc you can’t be there for her if you are spent! My mom’s been in a home for two years now, just turned 90. None of her 7 kids could deal with her; she did not manage her money well (gambling addiction) and would not listen to reason. She wandered off once to the bank and caused a scene. She fell and broke her hip. She got lost driving. And that was a couple of months before being placed in MC. I know she is at the end on her life and I know I did the best I could for her while she was alive. I also got myself into counseling to deal with “family Olympics”

🙏🏽 For you. 🥰

blondie97: While none of us may have an easy time placing our loved one in a managed care facility, there comes a time when we, a solitary person, cannot handle their care due to their medical needs. Therefore, they require the care provided by medical professionals in a facility setting. Since cloning ourselves isn't possible, our loved ones require the care provided by MANY hands and not just one individual.

Believe me I’m going through the same thing.
my mom was in AL after my dad and brother passed away. She has AD. It was great. They got her to do so much. She moved into a nursing home last week after 4 years . The residents in memory care are pretty much out is it but that’s where my mom is at this stage. I think try to go visit as much as possible. Some people don’t even get visitors. It’s a horrible thing to go through. I also am upset that my dad didn’t discuss her future with me before he passed. So all the decisions fell on me. Just know your doing your best. I’m hoping guilt doesn’t overwhelm me when she passes. This is great forum. Maybe we need a group for the children that feel guilt.