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My father was in a bad shape several months ago, he had barely any strength in his arms. My brother said my father would never regain strength. I listened to this and thought that could be true but maybe not. Then my sister-in-law told me in a mature tone that my father would be disabled in the near future and I should learn to live with it. She has a lot of credibility in that she is wealthy and on the board of a number of philanthropic foundations so I agreed to what she was saying. Well, after my father went into assisted living a few months ago he regained his strength and is nearly as good as he was years ago when you lived independently!



Now even these days my brother and sister-in-law tell me things like "We noticed he's going backwards". They are holiday until September. My brother emailed me last week saying similar things, like my father isn't doing as well as I think. I can confirm he is!



Why do my brother and sister-in-law want to create impressions that my father is worse than he really is? The only thing I can think of is that before they were doing it to get my father into assisted living so they could live their lives again (they were spending a lot of time taking care of my father and so was I). Now it seems they do not want the possibility at all that my father may want to live dependently again and therefore they would have to provide their time again. On the other hand maybe it's just their opinion of my father's condition? I don't know but it strongly seems like they want to make the situation appear worse than it is.



Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?

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First off, your father wasn't living independently if he needed extensive support from you and your brother and sister-in-law. You all were just helping him believe that he was living totally independently. Now that he is in assisted living, he is getting that support from them.

My mother got stronger when she went into assisted living. She had a care team that provided all of the support (and more) that she wasn't getting when she was living independently.

If they don't want to provide their time and care, that is their choice. Regardless of any improvement, real or perceived, you father may be experiencing, you can't force them to provide their time.

Unless you want to be the sole care provider, I would leave your father where he is. Unless he can either live totally independently or you are prepared to provide 100% of his care, he is in the best place for his needs.
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Why do you keep posting here? Do you think that anyone here knows what's in the minds of your brother and SIL?

If you're all that concerned about your father's progress, prognoses, and diagnoses, talk to his doctors. Talk to him.

Being wealthy gives a person all of zero credibility. Money does not make a person an expert at something, or even competent. so your SIL being affiliated with philathropic organizations really is nothing to be impressed by.
Also, anyone can get a seat on a board of directors for some foundation or another if they write a fat enough check.

If your father gets better and can live independently again, then great. Your brother or SIL are not on the hook to become caregivers to him. Neither are you.

Your story is not a phenomenon. I have said all along that I think yoy make up a lot of it with your brother, father, and SIL.

Work on yourself. Make an investment in your own life and future by working through things with a good therapist.
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"Now it seems they do not want the possibility at all that my father may want to live independently again and therefore they would have to provide their time again."

Your father will NEVER live independently again. The assisted living facility was the next stop on the train. Will there be a stop at a skilled nursing facility before he dies? Who knows. None of us have a crystal ball to predict the future.

I do not blame your brother and his wife for not wanting to entertain the idea of taking dad out of AL just to start the pattern and cycle all over again.

Please leave it alone and stop filling dads head with nonsense that he will be able to move out of AL and live in his own place again. It is NOT going to happen. Ever.

Since dad has put ALL of his trust in your brother, your brother is in control and not you. Enjoy the time being your dads son or daughter or whatever you are and just stop chumming the water already.

Your brother and his wife have a right to have a life. They have a right to not have to spend ALL of their money funding dad's lavish lifestyle the way the did for X number of years.

Your life it seems is wrapped up focusing on ALL the things your brother has that you don't have.

You truly are your dads son/daughter because dad likes to stir the post just like you and create rifts and division between you and your brother.
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Lisa,

I thought you were happy with your dad living in an assisted living facility. Has that changed?

Is this about your father’s wishes or your own wishes for your dad to leave? I don’t think your dad would want to leave. He is well cared for and has his children visiting him. Sounds good to me!

Rarely have I seen a posts of yours that didn’t insult or question your brother and SIL’s motives. They are rich. So what! They take nice vacations. Good for them! Be happy for them.

What if you were rich? Would you want people to speak about you like you do of them? Or would you rather they appreciate you and be happy for you?

Let your negativity go. Find something positive to calm your anxiety.

We know that your brother and SIL have tons of money. You don’t have to keep reminding us.

I have a brother in D. C. who has more money than God and I could care less that I don’t have the money that he does. He worked his a** off for it. I’m happy for him. Sadly, he is experiencing serious health issues. Money can’t solve everything!

You don’t know everything about your brother and SIL’s life. They are entitled to live their lives as they wish and you can choose to live your life however you wish.

Focus on your life. Sweep your own porch first before telling them to sweep theirs.

I truly hope that you find peace in your heart one day, Lisa. Then, maybe you won’t wake up in the morning and fret about your brother and SIL so much.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2023
@NHWM

My ya-ya used to have a similar saying in Greek.

Make sure your house is clean before you tell someone else to clean theirs.

It's jealousy. Plain and simple. The brother and SIL have a great life and the OP doesn't.

A person's life is what THEY make it, not someone else. Either you pull yourself out of the hole and take some measure of happiness for yourself, or you rot in the hole.
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In 99% of your posts Lisa, you are finding fault with someone or something, and always want us to feel that you are in the right and everyone else is in the wrong.
When are you ever going to realize that is in fact YOU that is the problem?
I won't be holding my breath on that one, but really....just stop already and get a life.
And quit coming here with your constant nonsense, as this forum is for people that have REAL problems, not people whose problems are in their own head.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2023
Amen to that, funky.


~BC 8/7/23
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Apparently no one wants responsibility to take care of dad, so let it be.

Work on yourself. After that you can work on the family situation. Don't you have better things to do besides obsess over these people?
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Why don't you just move on? Your father is cared for and happy, why must you keep ragging on your brother and his wife? Of course, they want their life back, who wouldn't.

Your father was not independent, he will never be again, you are living in a fantasy world.

The phenomenon is you and your attitude towards your brother. This jealousy thing you have is way out of hand.

It has been recommended before, get some mental help so that you can get yourself back together.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2023
@MeDolly


I think you hit the nail on the head. It's the jealousy. The OP is jealous of her brother and SIL.
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Lisa, your father can live "independently" if he can live with no help other than what he hires, pays for and manages ON HIS OWN.

Your brother, no matter how wealthy, does not "owe" your father anything.

If you are willing to, on your own, provide ALL the support dad needs without any help from brother without getting yourself tied in knots over it, then go ahead.

I will remind you that you weren't happy before (when Dad needed help and he deferred CONSTANTLY) to your brother's opinion and judgement) and you don't seem happy now.
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My sibling seems to see things through a lovely yellowy sunshine positive glass full lense. Yes I have wondered why.. but each to their own way.

Who cares what your brother is thinking inside his head? Really?

He sees the world & his father through his own eyes.

You see the world & your father through your eyes.

You are separate people.

If you want to know why your brother sees decline when you see normality or strength - ask him. Then listen to his answer.

But honesty, better to let it go.
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I love all the answers here, and am I the only one who knew this was Lisa before I even read the first line? She continually brings up her SIL's wealth and " a lot of credibility in that she is wealthy and on the board of a number of philanthropic foundations ". I truely wonder what the BIL and SIL say about her lifestyle? And now i will probably get banned....
Pamzi
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
Hey, Pam

Then we’ll all get banners! LOL 😆 Strike one!
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