My father was in a bad shape several months ago, he had barely any strength in his arms. My brother said my father would never regain strength. I listened to this and thought that could be true but maybe not. Then my sister-in-law told me in a mature tone that my father would be disabled in the near future and I should learn to live with it. She has a lot of credibility in that she is wealthy and on the board of a number of philanthropic foundations so I agreed to what she was saying. Well, after my father went into assisted living a few months ago he regained his strength and is nearly as good as he was years ago when you lived independently!
Now even these days my brother and sister-in-law tell me things like "We noticed he's going backwards". They are holiday until September. My brother emailed me last week saying similar things, like my father isn't doing as well as I think. I can confirm he is!
Why do my brother and sister-in-law want to create impressions that my father is worse than he really is? The only thing I can think of is that before they were doing it to get my father into assisted living so they could live their lives again (they were spending a lot of time taking care of my father and so was I). Now it seems they do not want the possibility at all that my father may want to live dependently again and therefore they would have to provide their time again. On the other hand maybe it's just their opinion of my father's condition? I don't know but it strongly seems like they want to make the situation appear worse than it is.
Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?
Lisa, there are 2 types of people in this world.
The Glass Half empty
The Glass Half full.
It is possible that they are looking at the progression and anticipating more decline.
You on the other hand look at the progress that he has made.
I have always said that when caring for someone with dementia that we should mourn the losses that happen along the way but rejoice in what is still there, what still can be done.
They may also be doing what might be called "anticipatory grief". In your head you down play the good knowing that there are more declines ahead as well as other medical conditions that will occur. The idea with anticipatory grief is that it will not hit you so hard when something happen. I can tell you it does not work. Stuff still hits hard and it still hurts.
Be glad that he is doing well now and don't let the "Debbie downers" get to you.
"I did. I would be an a**hole if I didn't." The implication is that I'm an a**hole because I didn't know. How was I able to know for example that he would lose nearly all the strength in his arms?"
I found nowhere in you posts or replies what is wrong with your Dad. You cared for him 10yrs and mention that he has lived near brother for several years. Oh, you do mention Dad has complained about pain, I think, in his back. What is Dads diagnosis? Maybe since brother is Dads POA he is much more aware of Dads health. Talks to his doctors. Maybe your in denial and Dad seeming better makes you feel he is improving.
CHF does not get better without a heart transplant. Parkinsons does not get better. MS does not get better. I dated a guy whose father died of Rheumatoid arthritis complications in his 50s. It sounds like to me since Dad has needed aides for so long, that he is not going to make improvement enough to be independent.
I think your whole problem is that you are not the one in control. Brother has POA because Dad seems to go with brothers decisions. Brother is aware of Dads health needs. To be honest, neither are obliged to keep you in the loop. Maybe brother and SIL are trying to prepare you. Yes, AL seems to agree with Dad but that does not mean his health problem is not still serious and declining. Be glad that Dad is enjoying where he is living. And, in a way, he is still independent. He can make his own decisions. Instead of aides he has a staff. Someone cooks his meals. Someone does his laundry and cleaning. He can come and go as he pleases. If he wants to join into an activity he can. Go on an outing, he can. He is not stuck in an apt all day with just aides. You visit.
I have said it before. You are your own worst enemy. You worry about the trivial things. I would love to hear your brothers side of the story. And Dads.