Why does everyone look to me? Don't I have a right to my time and future, too?

You're not overreacting at all, you probably have burnout. One of the frequent responders on this forum says that elders won't look for another solution if you continue to be their only solution. Your child has priority. You have priority. Your LOs have assumed you into caregiving and you've allowed it. No one if forcing you to do it, right? They have other options -- it's just that they don't want to go through the hassle or discomfort and uncertainty of change or pay for it or manage it. Like other people do. All the time. And, let's be honest: you don't like the feeling of guilt, even though backing away is not doing anything wrong or immoral.

Your LOs are not in any unique needs situation. Start researching alternative help for your people. Contact your local area's Agency on Aging, caregiving agencies, social services for their county, etc. If they have financial resources maybe take them to nice care facilities to tour. Wanting to stay living on a farm that they can't maintain themselves but then expecting someone else to take on that burden is what's immoral.

You seem to struggle knowing where your boundaries are. I suggest talking to a therapist who would be objective and can help you identify your life goals, define clear, strong personal boundaries and learn how to defend them so that you can stop being a voluntary doormat. The woman with the special needs grandkid? Tell her, sorry -- you are retiring from the caregiving world. She'll get over it, and then she'll find someone else to assume into that role. So will the other 3. Your child especially needs to have boundaries modeled so that they aren't taken advantage of by others or make poor decisions that have negative impact. Talking to therapist will be worth every penny. Some work on a sliding fee.

Your 3 people are full grown adults who are totally able to come to grips with a change in their care plan. You are not responsible for their happiness. Your child and you are priority. Keep repeating this to yourself. Blessings!

I can't imagine having the thought of taking care of kids with special needs hanging over your head is pleasant to live with.

I would have a talk with family member raising her special needs grand kids about her making arrangements now for these kids in the event she is incapacitated and cant take care of them.

Yes it sounds terrible for you to not take them if she cant do it but it is not wrong if you can't do it. Raising someone elses children is hard and with special needs even harder and a life long commitment even past 18 depending on their needs and limitations.

Better she knows now so she can make other arrangements forvthe care if the kids.

You do have a right to have a life and happiness too. It's not all about everyone else and what they want.

No one is born into slavery these days and that includes yourself. If you really don't want to be everyone's caregiver both in present and in future, you don't have to be.
It may require some hard decisions on your part that will not be easy for you to make or easy for your family to accept. In fact, they may not accept it at all and it could end with your family being estranged from you. Estrangement is better than slavery. It's better than sacrificing your life indefinitely and your son's as well because you can't plan any kind of a life.
I understand when people become caregivers out of love and respect or for the sake of financial and material benefit. Or for all the reasons. People's reasons are their own, but in your case it sounds like things have gone too far. You and your son have to establish boundaries with the people you take care of. If those people will not or cannot respect those boundaries you and your son will have to move out and leave them behind.
Speak plainly but kindly to the family member who thinks you will bring up her grandkids. Tell her that you will not be doing it. Those kids did not come from eggs that hatched in a nest one day. It took two people to bring them about into creation and those two also came from people. Tell her to start looking into other branches of their family or families. Do not add an apology either because there's nothing to apologize for.
She might not take you seriously but in order for you to "get the kids" in the event that something happens to her, it will have to be in writing. In legal document that you sign before a lawyer and a witness agreeing that you'll become their custodial guardian. If you refuse to agree to it legally, you will not be responsible for those kids if something happens to her. If you are their only functioning relative the state may try to persuade you, but you don't have to accept.
Like I said sometimes hard decisions about caregiving can lead to estrangement. It's your life though. You don't get back the years sacrificed to caregiving. Think about that.

That's te role you chose. Learn to say NO..

The next time that the other family member hints at taking care of her grand children say the following.

"I am overwhelmed with my family and the situation I am in right now. I can not possibly even think about adding anything else to my burden. I think you are hinting that I should be the one to take care of your grandchildren. I simply can't and won't. If you bring this up again I will tell you the same thing I just told you"

Advice for keeping this in perspective.......People that handle responsibility well sometimes get "elected" by other people. These other people assign you a role because their assumption is that you have some capability they lack. They often don't understand that you might not really like being in your current role. This is never fair to you because of their lack of understanding.

I once went to a therapist and expressed "Why do those of us that are responsible always seem to attract people that think we are going to take care of them" The therapist didn't have an answer. My advice, set your limits and stick to them. Plan your future and stick to the plan that doesn't include you taking care of people that you don't want/have.

It really isn't THEM. It's you. You are a "caregiver" and it can become a syndrome that robs you of your sanity, adds a constant anxiety into your life, and robs your family, who are the ones you have an obligation to you.
As I for years suffered from that syndrome (hey, why do we think I became a nurse?).
My suggestion is to forget about it being them and concentrate on the only thing in life you can change--yourself. And on those you have an obligation to--your immediate family.
You may want to consider counseling. When you begin to withdraw from caregiving to give care to your OWN family others will be angry with you. You have for years "made a contract with them" and that was that you gave care and they accept it. They have been fulfilling their part of the bargain. You showed them who you are and they trusted you, believed in you, now count on you. They will be very angry at you indeed and not without good reason.
It is hard to get off the habitual path we are on because -- even when that path is very tough --it is the KNOWN path, and the road not traveled is very very scary.
Get help for yourself. At first it will be tough to withdraw a bit at a time. But they will adjust, and in some cases be the better for it. And YOU will be so much more valued and loved within your own family.
Remember we show people who we are and they believe us.
Remember that we can only change ourselves, not others.
Remember that it isn't them; this was a contract. One you now must break for your own and your family's mental and physical health.
Remember that there is help.
You will always be a caregiver, but there needs to be self-knowledge in this, for your own good.
My heart goes out to you; I can so identify with a much younger self.

This is not a good situation. I sure hope they are paying you for your Caregiving, and not using you as a live-in servant.

One way out is telling them you'd like to move. Maybe to a little apartment in the city, etc. Or, that you'd like to move to a small town nearby and buy your own home. They'll have to arrange for another Caregiving situation.

You're on a dead-end path right now. Your body is telling you that this situation is desperately wrong for you. You're basically throwing your future away. Please don't get caught in that trap.

I agree with the other posters. Whatever you decide will cause major drama, but that's life. In the long run - you'll be better off without all of this unwanted caregiving thrust upon you and focusing on your own life and your child.

It won't be easy. As an only child, I moved all the way across the country by myself (plus pets) when I was in my 20's . It was quite difficult on me, at the time. My parents were furious, but they got over it. My Dad wouldn't talk me for several years. Oh well, that was his problem - not mine.

I spent many, many happy years by myself in my cute little Victorian house that I bought and fixed up. Enjoyed my job & new life. And would do it again if I had my life to live over again.

(I'm also caught in the Caregiving trap now, but I'm in my 60's now and apparently quite stupid in my old age to allow this to happen .... sigh.) But, I've already lived most of my life, with no regrets.

It was a scary road to take, but my parents eventually got over it.

I think you may need my new mantra.

"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"

No you are not overreacting. This person is being presumptuous.

"No is a one word sentence"
"When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive"

I have done my share of care giving and found I am not a caregiver. I have cared for both grandsons from infancy until Daycare. While caring for the youngest, I had to take my Mom in. He went to Daycare. Caring for Mom was 20 months. Eventually AL which ended up being nice for both of us. I will do no more caregiving unless its my husband.

I have a disabled nephew who can live on his own but needs some overseeing. There are resources out there for the disabled. You need to make it clear to this family member that you will not be caring for her disabled grands. There are resources out there if she can no longer care for them. My nephew gets help with his housing. He can get help with his utilities and food. If the grands are 18 or over, there are group homes. Your family member needs to call her County disabilities office and find out what is out there. Make it clear that she is now having health problems and she needs to set up care for their future. They can get Social security disabilities. Tell her not to wait because once your caring is done with these 3, you will be doing no more caregiving. And you will not be adding to your load. You will be doing for you and your child when ur caring is done. Just because someone thinks you should do doesn't mean your obligated.



All 3 people need care? What do you do? What options do they have?

As to taking on the grandkids,,, please just say NO ! My 59 YO friend has had her 3 YO GD for a month, she goes back tomorrow as hopefully the parents have gotten their s**t together,, but we all know it will happen again. She is still working, and I can tell you she is beyond exhausted and frustrated. They have visited me weekly so she can get an adult break, but we don;t really as GD is always BUSY.. like hyper busy. She about gives my dog a heart attack, does not listen, pulls pouty face fake cry when you correct her ( we are all on to this) .. and at this point I am glad I don;t have any Grands! I am exhausted after 4 hours so I cant imagine doing this full time! Your family member needs to begin NOW looking into alternate care for them in case something happens

I would look for some good coucelling. They can ask the right questions so you can find the *whys* behind your actions. I get it nice to help. But helping so much you leave your own home & lifeplans is not helping YOU.
It may even be stopping those you care for from the next phase of their lives, to downsize etc.

It may be time to point all those you care for towards NEW help. Then they get help & you + child get your own life.

Why does the help all have to come from you anyway?

The way you 'keep this in perspective' is by NOT agreeing to take care of ONE MORE PERSON, PERIOD. You tell this other family member you simply cannot take on the burden of raising her grandchildren, it's impossible. So suggest she make alternate arrangements NOW, b/c you ain't doing it. My half-sister asked me to be the guardian of her grown son if she were to die, and I said I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. He has some special needs and is now 30-something years old, and I'm in NO position myself to take on more than I can handle. In no mood either, I should say.

You DO get to plan your own future, by saying 'no' NOW.

In fact, it's time to look into alternate care arrangements for these 3 elderly family members you are living with and move OUT of their house, with your CHILD, and forge a life of your own now. Nobody put this burden on you; you took it on yourself, and that's how you get rid of it: YOURSELF. By saying you simply cannot be caregiving for one more moment; you're burned out and fried to a frazzle and your child is now your #1 priority in life, not elders who need more care than you have in you to give. You are not obligated to care for ANYONE but yourself and your child, that's it.

Take your life back, my friend. Only you have that power. Good luck.

Those seniors you care for will eventually pass. What happens to you and your child then? What happens if the needs of these seniors becomes more than you can safely manage alone? What happens if you become injured or ill and can not care for these people any longer?

Start planning for your own life. Then, make it a reality. You may have to have a series of tough discussions with family members about your plans for your future and your child's future. With tact and honesty - and a lot of hard work - you can achieve your goals.

It's been said here before, "No" is a complete sentence.

Clarification requested. Is this child still a minor or of age?

What is your plan for your future? Make one. Do it. If it doesn't include taking over other family members' responsibilities, tell them that whenever they drop hints.

They look to you because as things are you look to them for your sense of purpose and your way of life. Only you can decide on a different way of life and make it happen. Even if they could change the situation, why would they when it suits them and you appear to be content?

Where is your own home, and who besides you and your child is your own family?

It is unclear how you got into this position of taking care of four family members. Yes you have a right to have a life and focus on yourself. You just have to say NO.

What I’m going to say, I know, is the easy answer. Because I’m quite aware of this social contract and obligations, although I didn’t tend to them, because my mother was a narcissistic abuser and I went no contact.

But, sometimes, you have to destroy people’s image of you and give them no other options, than to plan better. Because, if you don’t, yes, they will exactly be making very poor plans for you and anyone who comes after you.

I have even seen this in my downstairs neighbor. We were merely civil, until she had a need. She knew this need might come, but did nothing to prepare for it, quite possibly, because she felt she had a single woman, with no children, living right above her. Racism might’ve been a factor, as well. So, she went about her life, simply watching TV, eating, considering herself retired and did nothing to mitigate her circumstances. She was quite angry and disappointed, when I told her I could not help her. But, I WILL NOT, have some lazy idiot, but 6 years my senior, who doesn’t even know me, entitle themselves to my life and decide that their healthcare and eldercare plan is me, ruining and shortening the remainder of my goals, dreams and life.

It is far more difficult with family and, yes, the entire world will support that you have no choice. But, you must remember that you’re not here to please the world and the world will not suffer the consequences of what it wants you to do.

I know that, as I age, I may need help to. But, I’m taking care of myself, as best I can, because it isn’t anyone else’s job and I have no right to land a$$ first into someone else’s life, essentially saying, “Guess what? I just landed. So, whatever plans you we’re entertaining for yourself and your kids — are now over.” Surprise!

Lastly, my mother died a few weeks ago. While most would say to pour every dime into her burial, heh, with what she left, she couldn’t even afford a free funeral. So, there’s that, too. No pouring my life into someone else’s life or death, when they didn’t treat me with the respect of another adult human being. I loved her dearly. But, I’m not stupid.

Move away. Out of sight, out of mind.

First, I think you should let the older relative raising grandchildren, that you cannot be their guardian (unless you want to?). Direct her to social services NOW.
What are your plans for the future? When all of your relatives pass away, will you be able to stay in the house? How will you provide for yourself and your child? My suggestion to you is to prepare for your future now.
Best wishes.

Okay - You asked for it! I was caretaker for 3 of my immediate family members. I saw each one to their terminal deaths for 10 years. My dad and my sister were much shorter term than my mother. My mother’s caretaking started with them because she was dependent on them since she was blind from early onset macular degeneration. After my dad and sister passed, my mother became my focal point. She was very narcissistic and demanded so much of my attention. This lasted 10 yrs. Halfway through I developed a blood cancer and I’ve been treating for 5 yrs now. I am late stage. I never told her and I managed to hide this from her all along. I know for a fact that the stress of caregiving is what caused my health issues. It is real.

You absolutely have to sound off in regards to the woman with the grandkids. You will be “toast” if you take on any more responsibilities. Please reach out to the elder care department of your county to see what they can do to help you. Start thinking about your future and that of your family. You did good, but there needs to be more help for you. I enlisted hospice the last year of my mothers life. They were a big help, but they don’t do everything. You need an army.

I am still transitioning from my 10 yrs of caregiving. It was too intense to just walk away scott-free. It’s been almost 8 months since mom passed. And I’m still treating for my blood cancer. (NHL). And hoping I get more to life than what I did for 10 yrs. Blessings to you.

Yes, you absolutely have a right to your life, choices, and plans. Set a boundary with the lady with the grandkids. In as nice a way as possible, tell her you will not be able to take in the grandkids if something happened to her. Please make other arrangements. With the 3 you are already caretaking. Use some of Their money to Hire some help, ASAP. Maybe 2 days per week, have a home health aide come and tend them for 4 hours a day. The aide can also do light housekeeping and meal prep and interact with the seniors while you are away. Don't do farm work during those 4 hours either. Do that before or after the aide. Block that time for yourself and whatever you want to do, including planning a future away from this if that is what you want. And don't take their calls unless a true emergency. Of the 3 that you are caretaking now, require them to help as much as they can - fold clothes, stir pots while cooking, use a swifter or sweep the floor, water the plants, wipe down the sinks in BR, dry the dishes, dust, feed the pets or chickens, scoop a litter box, vacuum, strip the sheets and put on fresh pillowcases, as possible. Chop vegetables for a meal. Write a check and stamp envelope. Clear the table and bring dishes to the sink. Let them get their own cereal and milk in the am and make their own cold breakfast. You may have to look over any work they do but its good for them, reinforces independence and it helps you. Give lots of positive reinforcement. You don't mention if you are paid for caregiving? Do you pay for your own health insurance for you and your child or are you covered as a dependent? Your age? Do you live there rent free? Do the seniors pay for all the utilities and groceries? Do you have any income? You need to have some income to get SS later when you are a senior unless you qualify as a spouse. It is good and not selfish to look after your own wellbeing and don't put yourself last. when you start to feel resentment, know you have been ignoring your own needs. It doesn't have to be mean or confrontational. Explain as much as they can process and keep it simple. ie: I need to have 4 hours twice a week for myself and personal time. I will make the arrangements. Reassure them if they seem anxious, you are not leaving them but this will make them a better caregiver for them. IF these people care about you, they should understand that you have needs and a future too. Good luck.

They keep asking you because you are kind, good-hearted, and sensible. You also need to advise your relative that while you may help her look into care options for her grandchildren, you are in no position to take on any further responsibilities. It will be hard, and there will be pushback but a person can only be stretched so far and you have come to your limit

You have done enough, be honest and tell the family that you are at your limit.

I can relate to your feelings. As caregivers well-meaning family members really have no idea the pressure they put on us. I retired intending to spend much needed time with my aging husband who is much older than I. We both have serious health issues. Now we take care of his adult autistic granddaughter. I definitely love her but it is exhausting. We are looking for a place she can live where she can get more care. I will not feel guilty about it. I realize she needs more care than we can give. We will still be in her life but my priority has to be my husband. He is 80. I feel as if you should talk to your family and let them know you cannot do it. It is hard I know but arrangements should be made ahead of time. You are entitled to your life and your family. You have to care of yourself. It took me a long time to learn this.

In our household we refer to the continuous 'hinting' as 'manipulation'. When a person keeps 'hinting', what they are really doing is trying to wear you down and get you to agree to something THEY know you shouldn't agree to, but THEY want you to do it. Its an age old manipulation tactic: read about it in Spence's How to Argue and Win Every Time, for example. You notice I emphasize 'They'. Its because the 'hint' is really only about them, never about you or what is in your best interests. Which brings up: your relative is certainly looking out for her best interests (and her GC's), as she should. YOU are responsible for looking out for your own best interests, just as we all are. It is your best interests to tell your relative you won't be in a position to care for her GC's if/when that time comes.
Keep it simple; no explanations or excuses; no room for negotiation. Practice saying it in front of a mirror. The next time the 'hint' comes up, just say: "You know I love you and [GCs], but I am not in a position to take on their future care. Every time the 'hint' comes, say the same thing. It works. It really does.

So, where would you like to move? Let all family members know that you're having an Aloha Party. When they're all gathered, hold a raffle to see who wins an elderly person to take care of and another to raise the children and then move.

You can see that you are being ‘assumed’ into this additional care situation. The kindest thing you can do is to make it clear that it won’t happen. Your family member is ‘assuming’ it too. She needs to know that it won’t happen and she MUST make other plans.

You could approach it by telling her that you are concerned about the children’s future, and could she tell you what she has planned for them. That will bring it all out on the table. It also makes it clear that it’s her own responsibility to plan.

It would help if you could have some idea of where she could go for help in working out her issues. If these children have ‘special needs’, they are probably in touch with some type of social service. That might be her best place to start. It also works with the mantra about ‘showing the way, not being the way’.

Let her know upfront that you’re not able or willing to take care of more love ones. Sometimes people take your kindness as a weakness. There’s time for this family member to start planning for an alternative solution should the time come. After caring for both my parents during their last days, I can’t imagine doing this for other family members. I’ve sacrificed a lot but am not going to do this for my siblings. Stand your ground.

As a full-time, solo, caregiver for my 90yo mom, I feel your frustration. 
However, I want to say something very important to you: this IS your life. There is no "when do you get a life;" this is it.  

Constantly taking on people to care for could be a sign of enabling. The other family members might be sensing this characteristic in you. It is important to know that helping for the sake of helping, without realistic plans for managing the possible outcomes you will encounter, is detrimental to you and your loved ones. It sounds like you are at this point, and now you don't have a plan for what more you can do - because there isn't a plan, YOU are the plan.

If you are exhausting your emotional and physical resources, then you can only take a hard look at what brings you to this situation and what skills you need to develop to get out of it.  

It is critical that you use this revelation as an opportunity to learn yourself and healthy boundaries. It will be a skill that serves you well the rest of your life. As you find and define your boundaries, know that you are actually HELPING your loved ones to remain as independent as possible, create their own plans, and access the appropriate care they need at the time they need it.

Jackson009: Elderly family members are taking advantage of your good nature and it must cease. You are a mortal being, who CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT do it all.