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I got into an argument with my Dad today because I was too busy to come stay with Mom whilst he went out.



He tried to guilt trip me about how "you can't abandon your mother."



And I kept trying to tell him that you can't just ring me up randomly and always expect I can drop anything I am doing to come sit with Mom. I have a life. I have a wife.



Here's the thing. My Mom has severe Parkinson's. Very severe. I have pleaded with my Dad and my brothers to get Mom into a hospice or to hire a nurse. But they always complain that its too expensive/intrusive.



I have always warned them, that there will come a time when we may all be occupied.



Taking care of Mom is a 24/7 job.



Just because I am a doctor... doesn't mean I'm always available 24/7. I am married, just as my siblings are married.



Before I was married it was :
"well you are unmarried, so you have the time."



Now that I am married my priorities have to shift.



My Mom isn't getting any better.
If I leave my wife every night to nurse my mother.....its not gonna make my mother heal any better.

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You cannot be taken advantage without your permission.. Look up the term bullying to see if this is your situation. I do like the idea of offering your time on your terms. Let dad recognize that he needs to hire
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Your poor dad is trying to cope with an overwhelming situation. He is scared, anxious & not coping. He turns to you because he probably feels you are experienced. Could you sort out some respite for him so he can go out ? I have a lady sit with my dad on 2 days for 3 hours so I can go out. Its been a blessing. Your dad needs relief & support so you could get his GP or your mum's GP involved to sort out carers support so you can be relieved of the phone calls. My sister didn't want to help out so I had to turn to a social worker who organised care for my dad. I needed the help as I had carers burn out.
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My knee jerk answer is to perhaps make a schedule where you commit to a couple days a month where your Dad can look forward to stepping away and running errands. If you can decide on the day and time, it's easier than dreading when the phone rings and having to feel pressured to jump.
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lkdrymom Aug 2022
I think this is the best plan. I know I resented that at any moment the phone would ring and I would have to face one of my father's too many emergencies. We had a standing appointment for shopping every other Thursday and occasionally I could take him to a specialist. It was the constant calls that expected me to drop everything to run to his rescue that got to be too much. Make up a schedule. Offer one night after work a week or half a weekend day. And that is it.
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Sounds like the real struggle is inside your head. I don't think anyone can give you the answer your looking for. But you are 100% right, your life and your marriage will go on, you do have to continue your life. My marriage was severely stressed taking care of my mom 4 days a week, she lives an hour away.(it's been going on for 5 years now, she's been in her end days for months and is in a rally now) I've neglected my 5 adult children when they needed me (kids need you until you die, something always pops up in life no matter your age) I also neglected my husband and we grew apart. He backed me going to moms all along too. Didn't make it any easier. So you do what you can for mom but remember, your life will go on and you don't want to return to ruins. Good luck to you. It'll work out and be OK, God has our backs even when you feel He doesn't. For every season, there's a reason, we may never know. But God does. Hang in there and your in my prayers.
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I suspect your Father is like many others that become (I hate to use this word..) a little selfish. This can be due to many reasons, inc lack of problem solving, lack of planning, lack of trust in others.

While it is flattering he trusts you, going forward he will need to face these things;
* Aging lessens our independence
* We will all need a little more help as we age
* Expectations that ONE family caregiver can provide everything is not realistic. (It becomes a burden).

What are HIS top reasons for not seeking non-family help?

Cost?
Lack of trust in strangers? These can be worked through.

Help him to set up the services he needs. Deliveries, housework help, regular aide visits for care.

Then get stubborn back!

"No, Dad. I said I could not come. We set up the weekly shop/visit/help. Use that".

On repeat until he gets it.
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Drivesmemad3 Aug 2022
Selfish? The poor man is trying to cope with his wife & you call him selfish. If the sons a Dr surely he should know how to contact respite & support for his dad so he can be relieved. His poor dad won't stop phoning until he has proper support & respite
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Exveemon: State to your father that you cannot do it. He will have to hire care for your mother.
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Can you set up a schedule for who stays with Mom when? Then your dad (who bears the heavy load) can know that on Tuesday evenings, Jane will come over and Friday mornings it is Sam and Sunday afternoons, it is you? You can all plan ahead and your dad can know he has a break coming. A visiting caregiver is nice if you can afford it. If your parents finances aren't good, could the kids chip in? What community resources are there? Maybe some of your parents friends could take an occasional shift? In the end, long term care is probably coming. My dad died of a similar disease, but pneumonia took him before he was super bad. My at the time 70 year old mother looked like she was caring for a newborn as she was up with him at nights to walk the floor and relieve the stiffness and pain. He fell several times a few months before he passed as well. We were about to suggest visiting angel type of care to give her a few nights or days off a week for some solid sleep, but he caught pneumonia and passed.
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Because they're insensitive, naive, ********* most likely.

They will never hire help if they keep doing everything for her. Step WAY back. Cut down visits to maybe once a month. Ignore phone calls from them. Retake your life. No one else is going to retake it for you.
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“LOL,” she said on behalf of caregivers. “We all have a life.”
Or had one.

That includes your dad. His life was husband, father, friend - not stressed out, emotionally depleted caregiver.

You say get hospice or professional care. Will that drain your dad’s finances so he has no future safety net? Is your mom within 6 months of dying for hospice eligibility? Are your brothers putting their lives on hold and asking you to participate? Can you set scheduled times so everyone knows what you can and can’t do? Can you pay for a caregiver to come for a while so dad gets a break? In other words, besides saying you have a life, what are you bringing to the party?

PS. My sibling pulled the I’m a busy doctor card and yet he had time to golf … regularly.
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Please consult an Elder Law Attorney to strategize mom's care now, and in the future. As a doctor, you have more insights into medical insurance than most, but still finances are always part of the equation. I know some countries have socialized medicine, but I don't know if that covers elder care. Perhaps a Geriatric Psychiatrist will meet with all of you to figure out what help he/she can offer your mom and dad.

Perhaps there is a senior program that offers day care and/or respite care: Dad needs breaks to improve his mental and physical conditions. It is possible for both to live at the same location, but be housed in different sections (based on their needs).
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Being a doctor, they want you there, because they think it is the best thing.
but caring for your mother at night is going to eventually compromise your medical decision making, putting your license and livelihood at risk.
Block EVERYONE’s numbers for awhile. They want to use you for free, rather than listening to you.
‘No’ is s complete sentence.
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Lifesabitch Aug 2022
Thats pretty harsh, block numbers? Let's all remember this is his mom. You do not want emotional baggage after death. Even those making him feel guilty. That's siblings we don't want to lose either. Family is everything. I lost 2 siblings, 5 of us left, one is in rehab. The remaining 4 are taking turns staying with mom so she can die at home, for 7 weeks now. Mom lives an hour from us all. We are doing this. we have our ups and downs with each other. But we are doing it. We have her funeral planned and say we are ready. We arent. She is 94 her birthday is in 3 weeks. They said she would die a month ago. Yet here we still are and mom just rallied. Everyone's going thru it on different plains united by parents. Don't be bitter, be better. It's very hard no matter how you dice it up.
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I agree with what others have said, continue to say "No, I can't help today". Your father will eventually either have to find help or move your mother into a facility. Sometimes it just needs to come to a breaking point.

I was in a similar situation as my father refused to get help for my mother. I couldn't help very often as I have a full time job, married with two teen kids and far enough away that it would be over an hour round trip to come to their place. After several early morning and late night trips up there, I let me Dad know when I could be there and any other time, he would need to find help elsewhere.

If my dad would say, "We need to care for you mother" and try and make me feel guilty, I would agree with him but reiterate that care needs to come from someone else. Just because you have outside help doesn't mean you are abandoning your mother, just finding the care she needs.
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You are burning the candle at both ends. Your father clearly doesn't understand that working, having a family, and nursing your mother every night is putting your health at risk. If he doesn't make other plans for your mother's care BEFORE you burn out, he will afterwards, and in crisis mode. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been there! My father (the "stubborn old man") refused to consider assisted living for my mother until life forced him. You just have to stand firm.
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Everything you said is true. Managing expectations and attempts at guilt trips is hard. Setting firm and consistent boundaries is crucial. Your family’s expectations of you won’t change unless you set firm boundaries and stick to them.
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If you are in U,S,A. Medicare covers hospice completely...its free...nurses check in regularly and provide pallative care, treaments, and all medicines are included, nurses' aids & home health come and do baths, grooming, shaving,etc. Sitters can be provided as well. I volunteer with a hospice group and I just visit and sit with patients. so their family can go to appointments or just go for a walk. They can keep you informed with what is going on with their health. So many families resist using Hospice but it is a wonderful gift to most families. People think it means death is eminent, but many are on hospice care for year or more. And you can discontinue at any time. Even if they were against it at first, they are so relieved to have professional care, it takes a huge load off of their shoulders. I hope you can persuade your family to give it a try....
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In this situation, if your siblings have any tendencies toward selfishness, you're going to find out about it, in full measure.
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Rose_Hill Aug 2022
I'm trying to see if I understand your post right, but it appears as if they're already showing their selfishness because they're expecting a greater sacrifice than he's able to give..

I'm kind of in a Midway situation where one of my brothers has completely abandoned the situation despite living on the same property, he wants nothing to do with helping my parents and doesn't even visit them and barely grunts at them if they say hi to him. My other brother has way overextended himself to the point where he is constantly being walked on and taken advantage of. I am in the middle and have set days and hours and boundaries with my parents and make it very clear what I will and will not do. Sometimes people look at me and think that I am selfish but all I'm trying to do is to keep myself from going literally insane because I do not have the patience, tolerance, or soft caring nature to be involved with them at any more of a extent that I already am, and even at this extent, I am almost always angry and it is interfering with my own marriage. Because they're combined monthly income is $13,000 a month, even if you were to take $3,000 off the top of that and just pretend that they have really big bills or something, they would still have $10,000 between the two of them to hire in home care. They own their home and are not in any kind of financial distress at all. So this not hiring of In-Home Care is completely absurd. Some people might call me selfish for expecting this, but I don't have the personality to be a caretaker, and it's not right or just that my brother is constantly taken advantage of. I could care less about my other brother who has opted out of helping or even just being a part of the family because he has something else going on in his head and has for many years so he has his own problems. Besides, even if he didn't have his own problems, people have the right to decide what they want to be a part of in life and what they don't. For me, I have moral and religious obligations to my parents that my brother doesn't have . he's free and clear as anyone to make his decision to not participate. So the idea of people being selfish, I'm not really sure when that's applicable. I guess it comes down to each individual situation.
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Btw... almost every time I visit my elderly mum(every 2 wks approx...and I'm a 15 min walk away...this boundary has been essential for my well being) who also has Parkinson's too, the 'guilt trip' words/facial expressions come out. I accept and EXPECT them now. Taking this stance is way better...for us both. These guilt words/signals are fewer now and when they do come , they are way less severe. The more consistent I am with my boundaries , the less guilt trip games. Good luck!
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You seem to have all the answers! I agree with them all...VERY well said. Stand by them. I'm going to take your words and put them into place for me when that time with my M&D approaches...and its imminent btw!
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Offer to put her into hospice or a nurse and if need be look into medicade for him.
He seems to be worried about money and a nurse being intrusive. INTRUSIVE you cant help, Medicade ONLY TAKES THE HOUSE AFTER BOTH MARRIED PARTNERS ARE DECEASED.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2022
Medicaid does not take the house. They place a lien on it. Its up to the family or a representative to sell the house so the lien can be satisfied. The house could sit there and rot, Medicaid will not take it. It will more likely go up for Sheriffs auction to satisfy a tax lien which overrides a Medicaid lien.
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You need to say I’m done and move on with your life. Let the other family members step up!!
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You have been dealing with this for a while. We all know where Dad is coming from but he is not listening to you. It seems when people have been retired for a while, they forget that people have jobs and that they only have about 5 or less hours to themselves during the week. And weekends are for trying to get done what you couldn't in the other five days.

Your Dad needs to realize that Mom now needs more care than HE can handle. Mom is his responsibility and should be his #1 concern as your wife is now to you. Dad can just not pick up and leave when he wants to an expect one of his boys to rush over. My God, your a doctor. Does he really expect you to leave a patient to cater to him? Really, this is unrealistic and if he is only in his 70s, I would worry about this kind of thinking. And when he leaves, does he come right back or does he consider it a night out? Yep, unrealistic. He married Mom for better or worse and this is the worse.

Hospice is paid by Medicare. Yes, in home the family does most of the work. An aide will be provided 3x a week or so to come in and bathe Mom. Usually for an hour but an OP said she was able to get 4 hrs. Other option is a LTC facility with Medicaid paying if there is a money problem. Seems Dad wants it all his way and thats not how life works.
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You can't be all things to all people at all times. Plain and simple. Just because your father doesn't "want" to hire in home caregivers doesn't mean you can create more than 24 hours in a day to be all things to all people at all times.

Sorry dad, it's simply impossible for me to fit one more thing into my schedule at this time. How can I help you arrange for in home help for mom?

Don't buy into the guilt trip, it's 100% unwarranted.
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Perhaps hiring a CNA would be less expensive and more easily accepted.

Your dad is trying to manipulate you by using FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Knowing what is going on is the 1st step to dealing with it.

Maybe, saying no more frequently will create change?
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Beatty Aug 2022
Did for me.

Suggested alternatives. Over & over. Fell on deaf ears. No change.

Then said no when the phone rang. Over & over & over.

Whatdya know? LO actually COULD call taxis & hire services + much much more...

Fast forward & real change has happened, been sustained & LO is HAPPY about it too! Win/win/win.
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As others have said, looking in from the outside clearly your father would be better served with a regular caregiver or hospice for your mother. Yes, it is expensive/intrusive, but that said, it is money well spent for your mother to get the care she deserves, and your father the help/break he no doubt needs. As you said there will come a time when no one else can come. It is the right thing for your father to prepare himself for that inevitability.
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Guilt has lead you here for validation of what you already know.

A very wise person on this site once gave me solid advice, instead of guilt use grief. Grief that you can’t be there for your mom 24/7 because you have a responsibility to yourself and others. Grief is okay, you can move through it. Guilt however, will rob you of all joy you have.

Best of luck to you as you learn to navigate that you aren’t a super human. If you meet one, let me know!
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Rose_Hill Aug 2022
Hi, it seems you have been on this site for a while and have some wisdom and good advice. So I just don't have the personality, the tolerance or the patience, the nice soft warm caring personality to do too much caregiving for my parents. My mother has dementia but she's doing pretty well actually, my dad is a dialysis patient with unmanaged anxiety and unreasonable expectations of what everyone around him is supposed to do to cater to his anxiety. It's seriously unsustainable and very difficult to deal with. So my question to you is, it's not that I don't have the time because I don't work and my husband has a very decent job, its just that I don't want to be around them anymore than I feel is reasonable for me which is three and a half days out of the week. And even then, when I am around them, I don't want to be too close to them for too long..and I just can't stand being in that house too long. My family has a 5 acre farm out in the country, and I just cannot sit in a chair in the living room all day and night when it's not really necessary but it's what my dad expects if he's not being driven around for 10 hours a day to calm his anxiety. I once sat for 12 hours straight in that chair! And on the occasions where my brother and I get up to go outside and do something, my dad will literally follow us and if he can't find us he'll just scream and scream until someone answers him.. I've reached the point now where I ignore his screaming. Which is kind of dangerous because you never know when it might be an emergency... it's really just his way to get us back in the house immediately. I just can't deal with the situation anymore, so my question to you is how do I move from guilt since I know I technically COULD be here and be applying myself greater to them when I AM here, into one of grief? Is that even something that I can do considering that I dont have a job or kids as a literal restriction, I have my own inner character that doesn't allow me to be here more than I am. So I keep seeing myself as being very selfish, but I cannot be literally driven insane. I just end up extremely angry and I can't live like this anymore when I go beyond my limits and overextend myself. It's very emotionally draining and very hard to watch their decline and I just don't have the coping skills or emotional maturity to deal with it and I'm not going to all of a sudden get those either, so I just don't know what to do because I can't live with the guilt but I feel like the guilt may be well placed because maybe I should be doing more?? I don't know. 😓
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Exveemon, stand your ground.

"I can't possibly do that" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Dad needs to arrange care for your mother.
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