Why does my husband seem happier in memory care?

It was very upsetting to me for my husband to go in memory care. His memory wasn’t that bad but being in assisted living, he needed more care. He adjusted very well. The fellow residents were much worse than him. I visited twice a week.

The first time we took him out, we wondered if he would want to go back. He went right in. We took him to another facility to see if he would like it better, but he wasn’t interested in it.

I had moved and he wasn’t interested in my new apartment. He didn’t get the best of care, but hospice was a Godsend. He was there 5 months before passing. It was strange to me that he was content but give me a little peace.

He’s got structure and activities and staff that understands his disease. The change is likely harder on you than him. This is the best case scenario- he’s content and happy. Maybe take the opportunity to space your visits a bit and take some time for yourself. You’ve likely been so busy caring for him you’ve done no self care at all. It’ll be challenging to get yourself back, I would guess, but you’ve lucked into that chance. He won’t improve. It’s a horrible disease. But I think everybody would agree this is a surprising blessing and you shouldn’t look this gift horse in the mouth!!

olivedeer: Perhaps you seem less upset about the new female friend.

I'm sorry your husband ended up with dementia, it's probably been a very sad time for you. We want the best experience for our loved ones, and then again it must be weird seeing an ailing spouse feel better away from home. It sounds like you found a great memory care that's set up to do exactly what it's supposed to do! Oh, I pray and pray that my mother finds comfort in her facility.
I hope you also find times of comfort.

Hi Olivedeer,

I think that the reason your husband now seems happier isn't exactly because of where he is, it's because he's no longer aware (or not as much) of the fact he can't remember or think properly, as he once did. Those troubling, niggling worries have melted away, and he's just in the here and now.

Part of that could be because he's no longer at home, not because home wasn't a nice place, but it kept him tethered to those worries about what he was forgetting. In the care home, those reminders are gone.

Don't feel sad that he seems happier away from you. It's probably because he had loved you and your life together that he was trying to hold on to the past, but it kept slipping through his fingers.
Now, he can just let go.

My mom thrived since she is a social butterfly and prefered the programs and interactions rather than sitting alone in a house. And, yes, she had a living relationship with a boyfrend for about 3 years

Consider yourself lucky. Most people are unhappy in memory care.

Your dad is stimulated be all the activities and presence of all the residents. My dad was very content and always smiling in his personal care home. Keep your dad happy and leave him be!!!

My mom was eventually much happier in assisted living and memory care after the initial adjustments. I think it was because she had fewer worries, but more people around to watch and interact with. Everything was taken care of for her. She forgot about her home. Perhaps your husband will forget his home too at some point and not want you take him home. If he can manage being out of the facility, you can just take him for a ride in the car when he asks to go home. He will probably forget about home and even think his home is where you return him to. But by the time people need memory care they sometimes get too confused when out in the world. I had to finally give up the long drives to the mountains with my mom and that made me sad. She really enjoyed it for so long, but then at the end got confused about where she was. I hope he at least has a gated yard to wander in.

I wonder if his behavior affects you in ways you aren't mentioning, i.e., emotionally. Do you feel sad or something that he seems 'happier' there than how he was at home?" Are you feeling a void at home without him? I sense there is more to your post than you are sharing. It is - perhaps - more about you than him.

With dementia, different parts of the brain are functioning and/or losing cells - meaning that 'we' often do not know the why of how a person with dementia communicates, behaves, understands.

[I had a client for two years who spoke jibberish. Occasoinally, I would say "I have to get something out of my car, I'll be back" and she'd say "Okay" - these moments of presumed clarity didn't happen often and I wonder how / and why they did happen when they did.]

I would guess it has to do with how he processes 'present' time, and how relaxed he might feel with others around him. When he sees you, his mind 'may' go to "oh, I know you ... my wife ... let's go home. When you aren't there, he doesn't think about this as his brain doesn't 'think ahead' to when you'll be with him.

This is a guess.

While you do not tell us the degree or kind of dementia he has, he might be aware of 'all' the staff caring for him and find comfort in that ... it could be medication...

What I hear in your post is that you do not feel any 'jealousy' of the woman who pays more / a lot of attention to him (not that you would naturally or automatically do that - these relationships can / do change due to memory loss). If anything, you are very considerate of her, knowing she is a support to your husband.

It could be as simple as he sees 'lots' of people around and feels safe(r).
We often do not know (if ever) what or how a person's brain processes information / thoughts.

If I were you, I would count my blessings that he feels somewhat well adjusted and comfortable where he is. And, perhaps get a book or two on dementia and learn how the brain functions.

Gena / Touch Matters

You and he have both been blessed with an acceptance of what is.
He accepts because he is in a place that does not confuse him, it is calming and he has a friend.
You seem at ease with his calmness and acceptance both of his situation and his friendship. Because you are calm and relaxed that helps him know that he and you are both OK.
As I often said caring for my Husband you Mourn what was yet you rejoice in what you have.
((hugs))

Are you upset he has a woman friend? I did not get that impression. My impression is you except it for what it is. And you now know not to stay too long. Maybe having a friend has helped him settle in. Be glad, it could be much worse.

WOW! What a gift that your husband has settled in quite nicely in his new home and is enjoying it.
You CANNOT ask for more than that.
Please don't waste your time worrying about why he's happier there than he was at home. Instead be grateful that he's just happy and more relaxed now.
Not everyone who places a loved one in memory care can say the same.
You are blessed beyond measure that he's doing so well! Don't forget that!

Could be several reasons...
Memory care is designed for people with dementia. Life is simplified. There is a routine. Routine can provide stability and comfort. Activities designed for people with dementia help them feel engaged without constant failure and frustration. Extroverts especially like the additional human interaction.

Some people, as they progress in their dementia, can become more at peace, whereas the early and middle stages were full of loss and frustration they were mentally more aware of.

"come on lets go home"

This is called Sundowning, a very common behavior of dementia. People want to go home, but not to the home they most recently occupied -- rather most likely a home deep in their long-term memory, a happy place, like their childhood home.

My 100-yr old Aunt with dementia wanted to "go home" every afternoon even though she was sitting in the one she'd been living in since 1975.

It makes me happy to read about your husband's adjustment and contentedness.

It is not uncommon in dementia for someone to forget who their spouse and family are, and to find a new friend, even to believe that they are married to someone else at a facility.

I have seen this on a personal basis with a friend of my aunt's years ago. Her husband believed that one of his fellow residents was his wife, and would introduce the visiting wife as "here's my nice friend who visits".

As I said, this is not uncommon. This is quite common when the dementia has reached the stage where the person no longer remembers family relationships. They may often think a visiting daughter is the wife. The only thing one can do really, is understand that if their loved one has found any happiness that is a good thing. Imho.

Olive, I think your feelings a bit sad like your husband has new friends. I understand your feeling.

We were talking on another thread about, when caregivers come into your home and get close to your husband and the wife feels threatened, or more left out. It's all normal human feelings.

Just be happy your husband is being looked after and he is happy. It would be much harder for you if your husband was crying to come home at every visit, and calling you crying all the time , this is a good thing, and I'm sure what your head wants. It's just your heart that's hurting. I can see this being very hard.

Your life together, can't be erased. I have no good answers for you, but it sounds like your doing a great job. Got your husband someplace where he is safe and happier.

This happiness won't last, his dementia will get worse and you will miss the days you walked in and saw him laughing, even if it was with someone else. So be happy that for now he is doing well, and work on your mental and physical health.

Best of luck, wish I had better answer for you