As you already know, hallucinations, confabulation, paranoia, combativeness, forgetfulness, and anger are ALL possible symptoms of the different forms of Dementia.
When my mom lived with me she thought that I was a nurse, a man, or the "other" Andrea.
There's nothing that you can do about it, as it's part of the disease.
Therapeutic Lying, redirecting, and medications can sometimes help. Watch the videos by Krista Mesenbrink for help, and join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group for advice and support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
This was one of the AH HA moments for me. Our internal world completely revolves around what we remember. When you can't remember, you become suspicious, accusatory, etc. When you have dementia, you don't know any better so you verbalize what you think are the truths.
My motto is "You don't know, what you don't know".
Let's take theft. If you look for something where you last thought you put it, and can't find it, you are likely to look where you think it belongs...and so on. If you look in a number of places and still can't find it, then you think someone stole it. The more rational person has thought about whether I have left the house and lost it there. The patient with memory loss just knows that it isn't where it should be, therefore, its theft.
Neglecting chores....dementia warps time. Time either goes too fast or too slow or a combination. Either way, the chore was supposed to be done by now, it looks it hasn't been done, therefore the chore has not been done.
For theft, what helps would be to have less stuff so that things can be found easier.
For neglecting chores, we tried to use a calendar to make her more aware of time. Sometimes, we even took pictures to prove the chore was done.
For bills, everything was paperless and autopay. When she asked, I showed her the electronic copy and then showed it was paid from her checking account. She never saw any bills as she couldn't distinguish between what to pay versus what was informational.
One of the problems was my niece. She said that if Grandma gave money to her, she would take it. Grandma wrote her several checks because Grandma thought that she still needed to pay her back for something. Some companies got several payments for bills, because they would send her a "reminder" before it was due.
To stop it, we said all financial matters had to go through me. I repeatedly over and over showed my Mother her check register and her account because she suddenly remembered she had to pay a bill when there was no bill to pay.
My Mom used to give things to people then accuse them of stealing it. It could have been objects and even food. She didn't remember giving it away, even 5 minutes later. The rule was NEVER take anything from my Mom because all she would remember afterwards is that you stole it from her. (e.g. the leftovers from the dinner are given to someone, and she sees the container and believes you stole food from the house).
So hang in there....you don't know what you don't know.
An individual with dementia possesses a broken brain. Ergo, reasoning patterns are non existent. Perhaps caring for your mother at home will have to be amended, i.e. facility living. You can garner information on the disease by reading the book, 'The 36 Hour Day.'
Maybe her concerns are based on past observations. Once my aunt went into a care facility it was like a flock of vultures. My mother her sister was the only beneficiary in her will. But others descended on her house and cleaned it out
When facing this situation, I consulted my mother's cardiologist and was told, "Your mother suffered a heart attack and it is known that when the brain is starved for oxygen, delusions occur." I was also told not to take it personally; ha, that was a dagger to my heart and soul.
My experience working with your Moms condition is a person's lack of self trust, an insecurity and projecting on to others. Conside reminding her how much you love and believe in your relationship. It takes constant praise and reasurance.
What to do when someone with dementia accuses you of stealing?
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
Don't take it personally. ... Don't argue or use logic to convince. ... Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language. ... Create a calm environment. ... Distract with a pleasant activity. ... Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items. ... Seek support and advice from people who understand. - - - - - - How to respond when falsely accused by someone with dementia
People with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia commonly accuse those close to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
Cases of true abuse do exist, but more often, these accusations are completely falseand are caused by dementia paranoia or delusions.
It’s important to keep reminding yourself that your older adult isn’t saying these things on purpose to hurt you.
The damage in their brain has caused them to strongly believe things that we know aren’t real.
My Daddy thought I was trying to poison him. I had him tested for a UTI. After the antibiotics did their thing the accusations disappeared. After that when my Daddy would say or do odd things I would have him tested for a UTI.
It’s very common with dementia to turn on those taking care of you.
Think about it…if your brain doesn’t work right, and you swear certain things are happening to you (getting mistreated, getting stuff stolen etc) and those around you all the time tell you none of those things are happening…of course you they think they are being ‘gaslighted’.
Dementia causes a different reality for the patient. It’s real in their mind. Then to have people try to tell you different…when you believe with every fiber of your being that you saw it, you experienced it, then yeah, you start to be suspicious of those around you.
All you can do is be patient and try to be loving (hard when you’re being accused of being the devil). The patient is scared to death and/or angry. Just try and reassure them they are ok, and loved and taken care of. It may fall on deaf ears, but that all you can do really.
Also, as someone else mentioned here. Watching certain TV shows may put ideas in their heads. Try to watch upbeat programs when the patient is around. Hallmark stuff, Lifetime, even kids shows. It’s worth a try to see if it helps.
Paranoia / delusions are a big part of dementia as the brain changes. My mom said her neighbors were sneaking into her home, that kids were stealing her mail, that men were giving her pills and raping her....if she watched a dramatic movie, all the sudden those things were happening to her, she would cover anything illuminated with post it notes, etc....it was crazy. I am thankful that she has never accused me of stealing her money, because I am not sure I would handle it well even though I know it's her mental illness doing the talking. Not only would my feelings be hurt, but I would be pissed because taking care of her is a lot of work, time and money.
After moving her into assisted living, she cut a hole in the bottom of her foot stool and started hiding things in it....a tooth brush, dirty underwear, socks, the remote. I was on a mad hunt searching for her remote control when I found the hidey hole and I questioned her about it. She said that people were breaking into her apartment and throwing parties and they must have done it.
I am not saying that the elderly are never taken advantage of, but I know that my moms stories were all in her head. I suggest doing some investigation before assuming that the family members are taking advantage of your mom.
My mother is 90 in MC. The paranoia started about 30 years ago. We thought it was just more mental illness but looking back now we realize it was part of her decline along with memory issues. Prior to that she made a career of taking things from me, going into my house and lifting items. As a teen she would take things, usually clothing, and when I would ask about it she would say 'how should I know, it's your xxx'. She also told tales about everyone that were meant to make people look almost criminal while she played the righteous martyr. The upside to dementia is her not remembering who I am, not caring about people taking her things anymore, not being able to steal or lob hurtful comments. Some day I may have empathy for her as a helpless human being.
This is a classic symptom of dementia illnesses. The mind of a dementia patient has been and is continuing to be altered by the disease and, this subsequently affects memory, emotions, physical abilities, cognitive abilities etc etc etc... Perhaps if you speak further with a geriatric or Dementia Specialist they can give you more information and, suggest ways of coping. These suggestions below may help you cope while you are waiting to speak further with the specialists.
Stay calm, re- direct the conversation ( for example perhaps suggest looking at a magazine together, ask patient to help fold freshly dried towels, clothes), walk away from the moment, ( as long as patient is safe) and let the patient continue to talk it out to him or self, do not attempt to argue with patient ( this only increases anxiety and distress for you both)
Practice good self care ...see your PCP, get exercise, eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, get support so that you can take regularly scheduled breaks (if patient is being cared for in home). Speak with Alz/ Dementia support groups, your faith leader of choice or a local chaplain for spiritual support and choose regular times of prayer or meditation of choice, journal daily.
It is part of the disease. I went thru that with my BIL with him telling everyone that I a stealing his money but I was his rep. payee for social security. But every time he would see someone new he would tell them that.
With that disease it will get worse. My brother in law now is in a memory care nursing home where it has lessen some but not much.
My mother went through that. It was hurtful to me to be accused, but it was part of the disease. I hate the idea of drugging people, but Seroquel helped a lot. And she wasn't happy with her mind racing in a million different directions. Now she's gone through that stage and doesn't need Seroquel. So, ask for the drugs for your loved one.
My husband was like that too until he was put on Seroquel. It disappeared. Pls talk to your doctor to find the right medication for your mom. Good luck.
Her brain is broken. It is part of typical dementia behaviour. Best for you to read up on dementia and find out what to expect and what lies ahead. Good luck!
My mother is 98, slight dementia, however, she has always accused people from stealing from her, it got worse as she aged.
She would use this as a tool to justify her not having a relationship with someone.
We would hire a cleaning person for her, she stole from her, hired a companion, she stole from her, her step-daughter stole from her, a nutcracker no less.
Everyone stole from her, but here is the twist she was a thief who actually did steal from her family, not once but many times. Her side of the family has not spoke to her for 35 years, nor does her step-daughter or me.
All I know is that this will not get better. My mother is in AL her stealing escapades have stopped, no money to steal (that was her thing).
I can relate to your story.And funny enough the person who was in my life also said her nutcracker disappeared.She was adamant that she was a very honest person and everyone else was a thief,simply not true.
I suggest you read this 33 of booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Many people with dementia seem to develop suspicion & paranoid thinking. Eg people are hiding things, stealing, plotting against them, listening in, pills are poisonous etc.
My understanding is when short term memory is impaired, the brain can make up (confabulate).
Sometimes you can see how this can happen. Eg a misplaced wallet (to them) means "it must be stolen!" (In actually fact, the person with dementia has hidden the wallet themselves - fearing theives - then forgot). I've seen dentures wrapped in tissues thrown in the bin to *hide* them, cash hidden in plastic bags, bank cards hidden in books. No wonder they are now missing 😕
But sometimes you have no clue at all why they think what they do! Some are merely harmless quirks & quite funny.
But sometimes fears can get dangerous. Eg When knives start being hidden "in case I need to stab an intruder". Medication & much supervision is then needed.
As to WHY? At a brain level, I don't know why, besides the brain is being slowly damaged.
This is very common with any aging dementias. Those closest are often those who are most often accused. You will find a lot under dementia to inform you of this, not that it helps. I am so very sorry. The need for control, the losses and fears of losses seems most to have our "stuff" involved when we are failing.
You will find, if you use your search engine, a lot of information under paranoia and dementia to help reassure you that this is common, and I hope give you some hints on how to help foster a sense of control and safety for your loved one. Sure do wish you good luck.
It is VERY COMMON for people with dementia to become distrusting and start accusing everyone of thefts. My mother used to hide her stuff and later got upset because she couldn't find them, then she accused other people of stealing her stuff. This phase went on for about 6 months to a year for us. It was very stressful enduring it.
When my mom lived with me she thought that I was a nurse, a man, or the "other" Andrea.
There's nothing that you can do about it, as it's part of the disease.
Therapeutic Lying, redirecting, and medications can sometimes help. Watch the videos by Krista Mesenbrink for help, and join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group for advice and support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
This was one of the AH HA moments for me. Our internal world completely revolves around what we remember. When you can't remember, you become suspicious, accusatory, etc. When you have dementia, you don't know any better so you verbalize what you think are the truths.
My motto is "You don't know, what you don't know".
Let's take theft. If you look for something where you last thought you put it, and can't find it, you are likely to look where you think it belongs...and so on. If you look in a number of places and still can't find it, then you think someone stole it. The more rational person has thought about whether I have left the house and lost it there. The patient with memory loss just knows that it isn't where it should be, therefore, its theft.
Neglecting chores....dementia warps time. Time either goes too fast or too slow or a combination. Either way, the chore was supposed to be done by now, it looks it hasn't been done, therefore the chore has not been done.
For theft, what helps would be to have less stuff so that things can be found easier.
For neglecting chores, we tried to use a calendar to make her more aware of time. Sometimes, we even took pictures to prove the chore was done.
For bills, everything was paperless and autopay. When she asked, I showed her the electronic copy and then showed it was paid from her checking account. She never saw any bills as she couldn't distinguish between what to pay versus what was informational.
One of the problems was my niece. She said that if Grandma gave money to her, she would take it. Grandma wrote her several checks because Grandma thought that she still needed to pay her back for something. Some companies got several payments for bills, because they would send her a "reminder" before it was due.
To stop it, we said all financial matters had to go through me. I repeatedly over and over showed my Mother her check register and her account because she suddenly remembered she had to pay a bill when there was no bill to pay.
My Mom used to give things to people then accuse them of stealing it. It could have been objects and even food. She didn't remember giving it away, even 5 minutes later. The rule was NEVER take anything from my Mom because all she would remember afterwards is that you stole it from her. (e.g. the leftovers from the dinner are given to someone, and she sees the container and believes you stole food from the house).
So hang in there....you don't know what you don't know.
Conside reminding her how much you love and believe in your relationship.
It takes constant praise and reasurance.
What to do when someone with dementia accuses you of stealing?
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
Don't take it personally. ...
Don't argue or use logic to convince. ...
Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language. ...
Create a calm environment. ...
Distract with a pleasant activity. ...
Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items. ...
Seek support and advice from people who understand.
- - - - - -
How to respond when falsely accused by someone with dementia
People with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia commonly accuse those close to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
Cases of true abuse do exist, but more often, these accusations are completely falseand are caused by dementia paranoia or delusions.
It’s important to keep reminding yourself that your older adult isn’t saying these things on purpose to hurt you.
The damage in their brain has caused them to strongly believe things that we know aren’t real.
From the internet search,
Gena / Touch Matters
Think about it…if your brain doesn’t work right, and you swear certain things are happening to you (getting mistreated, getting stuff stolen etc) and those around you all the time tell you none of those things are happening…of course you they think they are being ‘gaslighted’.
Dementia causes a different reality for the patient. It’s real in their mind. Then to have people try to tell you different…when you believe with every fiber of your being that you saw it, you experienced it, then yeah, you start to be suspicious of those around you.
All you can do is be patient and try to be loving (hard when you’re being accused of being the devil). The patient is scared to death and/or angry. Just try and reassure them they are ok, and loved and taken care of. It may fall on deaf ears, but that all you can do really.
Also, as someone else mentioned here. Watching certain TV shows may put ideas in their heads. Try to watch upbeat programs when the patient is around. Hallmark stuff, Lifetime, even kids shows. It’s worth a try to see if it helps.
After moving her into assisted living, she cut a hole in the bottom of her foot stool and started hiding things in it....a tooth brush, dirty underwear, socks, the remote. I was on a mad hunt searching for her remote control when I found the hidey hole and I questioned her about it. She said that people were breaking into her apartment and throwing parties and they must have done it.
I am not saying that the elderly are never taken advantage of, but I know that my moms stories were all in her head. I suggest doing some investigation before assuming that the family members are taking advantage of your mom.
These suggestions below may help you cope while you are waiting to speak further with the specialists.
Stay calm, re- direct the conversation ( for example perhaps suggest looking at a magazine together, ask patient to help fold freshly dried towels, clothes), walk away from the moment, ( as long as patient is safe) and let the patient continue to talk it out to him or self, do not attempt to argue with patient ( this only increases anxiety and distress for you both)
Practice good self care ...see your PCP, get exercise, eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, get support so that you can take regularly scheduled breaks (if patient is being cared for in home). Speak with Alz/ Dementia support groups, your faith leader of choice or a local chaplain for spiritual support and choose regular times of prayer or meditation of choice, journal daily.
With that disease it will get worse. My brother in law now is in a memory care nursing home where it has lessen some but not much.
Prayers
She would use this as a tool to justify her not having a relationship with someone.
We would hire a cleaning person for her, she stole from her, hired a companion, she stole from her, her step-daughter stole from her, a nutcracker no less.
Everyone stole from her, but here is the twist she was a thief who actually did steal from her family, not once but many times. Her side of the family has not spoke to her for 35 years, nor does her step-daughter or me.
All I know is that this will not get better. My mother is in AL her stealing escapades have stopped, no money to steal (that was her thing).
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Good luck to you
My understanding is when short term memory is impaired, the brain can make up (confabulate).
Sometimes you can see how this can happen. Eg a misplaced wallet (to them) means "it must be stolen!"
(In actually fact, the person with dementia has hidden the wallet themselves - fearing theives - then forgot). I've seen dentures wrapped in tissues thrown in the bin to *hide* them, cash hidden in plastic bags, bank cards hidden in books. No wonder they are now missing 😕
But sometimes you have no clue at all why they think what they do! Some are merely harmless quirks & quite funny.
But sometimes fears can get dangerous. Eg When knives start being hidden "in case I need to stab an intruder". Medication & much supervision is then needed.
As to WHY? At a brain level, I don't know why, besides the brain is being slowly damaged.
You will find, if you use your search engine, a lot of information under paranoia and dementia to help reassure you that this is common, and I hope give you some hints on how to help foster a sense of control and safety for your loved one. Sure do wish you good luck.
Her brain is broken.
There is no reasoning, no explanation that will convince a broken brain.
I’m sorry.
As it’s said here on the forum: Not everything can be fixed.
Wishing you peace.
"Because she has dementia, her brain is broken.
There is no reasoning, no explanation that will convince a broken brain.
Not everything can be fixed."
Thank you for such simplicity!