Why is my mother’s bad behaviour not being addressed?
I’ve been caring for my mom for over 11 years. She is in her 90’s. I’m now completely burnt out. We have care but it’s still impossible for me to have a life. Instead of addressing my illnesses, having time for me, mom talks the caregivers into calling me or knocking on my door? I am told to go to my floor in the house but my mom finds a way, excuses to bug me. It’s not important, she tells lies, says horrible things the second caregivers are not in the room with us. I have been hurt physically by her, yet nobody will address the knives she’s hiding in her bedroom! I am not able to move out due to illness. When my mom tells stories, acts badly, manipulates, lies, has outbursts at me, why is this not being dealt with? I feel so alone in this, I’m being ignored and her bad behaviour is ruining my life. I really can’t take it any more. I’m afraid of my mom and nobody hears me. What can I do? I’m so burnt out, afraid, confused. Her bad behaviour is not addressed, it’s always blamed on me. Mom has turned into the violent ugly mean alcoholic she was when I was a young teen. Suggestions?
Welcome to AgingCare. We're here! :) Hugs to you.
Where are you located? Are you in the US? Who to call depends somewhat on where you are, so that piece of information is important.
The first thing to address is her physical violence. She has hurt you physically? When that kind of outburst occurs, it most places it would be appropriate to call the police. Have you ever done that? Does your mother have any kind of mental illness diagnosis?
Are the caregivers there 24/7, or are there some times you are alone in the house with your mother?
If you could move away, or, let's say you have to go into some kind of physical therapy facility for a few months, who would the caregivers be calling? Are they supposed to be able to function without you? Often there is no other family member in the home when caregivers are hired. They manage without frequent contact with the family. Do they have a supervisor in an agency they can call with questions? What if you went to your floor and they were NOT to disturb you except in a real emergency? Do you have everything you need on your floor? Do you need caregiver assistance for your own illness?
Welcome to this forum. We'll definitely listen, and when we know a few more details maybe we can offer some practical suggestions.
Your Mom has caregivers...why are you there? What happened that you move in there to start with? Was their an agreement (verbal or other).
Really, you need to leave. That is a dangerous situation for you..you have to act to protect yourself.
I will try again.
Moving out is the obvious solution but for some reason you can't do that because of the hold your mother has over you. As you are disabled does she support you financially?
I'd like to address your post from the bottom up.
"Mom has turned into the violent, ugly, mean alcoholic she was when I was a young teen." Is she actively drinking alcohol now? If so, you've got to find some way to move. A mean drunk person with a temper, that has knives in her bedroom, is a recipe for disaster. Maybe I'm reading your statement incorrectly. Maybe you mean she's acting LIKE when she boozed it up during your childhood. (Both my parents were alcoholics too. Great life, huh?)
"I'm afraid of my Mom and nobody hears me." "I have been hurt physically by her." Call Adult Protective Setvices immediately for YOURSELF. If you fear she will harm you and you are ill and/or disabled, then you need to be placed in a protective environment. Tell them what she's said to you, how angry she gets at you, that she's physically hurt you before and that she keeps knives in her room. They ought to be able to find emergency temporary housing for you while working on a long term solution.
If your Mom has round the clock caregivers- tell them NOT to bother you unless it's an emergency. Call their supervisior and tell her too that you WILL NOT respond unless there is imminent danger. Caregivers are used to being alone in the home and handling a variety of situations.
You have served your "time". 11 years is more caretaking than what you should have done. It's time to concern yourself with your own health. If necessary, check into a hospital ER with a physical complaint and tell the doctor that your mother threatens to hurt you. Ask for a social worker to help you with this violent situation. You have got to be removed from the home your mother is in.
APS and social workers should be able to bring about a change in your living conditions.
Looking forward to your long post, explaining more, so we can help you better. Good luck.
I feel strongly that there is far more to her mental health that’s not being addressed. Due to patient doctor confidentiaility, I don’t know if I am able to find out.
In her lifetime, she’s been on so many meds for anxiety, depression, and this last time in the hospital Lozapine and Seroquel. Venlafaxine ER. (I too have my own mental illnesses which seems to complicate this further) That said, I’m able to cope well and my treatment is working.
The fact that her long time doctor has told me to stay safe and asked me what did my mother have against me that she is punishing me for - says a lot.
The fact that she is telling me that suicide is her wish, tells me that she isn’t ok at all. This is why I will not dispense any medication to her or entertain her ideas. Plus, I am not here to do her meds as I have a life and medical issues to tend to,
I believe that it’s possible that she has borderline petsonailty disorder or something similar. How do I get her diagnosed?
Please don’t judge me for saying that I can’t leave. I am going to be living here after she passes away in the future. While this is her house, I am a tenant with rights too. I pay rent for these rights. I have my pets which I cannot leave with. When I’ve looked into adoption, I was told my only option is to put them down. I will never do this.
If I can live on my floor, take care of myself, and distance myself I think it’s worth a try. Vigilance is important and with 24/7 care this should be possible for a short time. I am not alone with her at any time.
I believe, by her current behaviour, actions and statements...that within a very short time, she will find a way to fall, blame it on a caregiver, break yet another bone, and this will result in her being removed from the home.
I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow and she and I will discuss the issues at length.
I still have information to share and questions that I wish to answer. I will post more tomorrow.
So glad to be here. Thank
You.
The paid caregivers are to treat you as a renter in the same building your mother lives in. Make that clear to them personally, and to the agency that employs them. They would not go to a renter for questions or concerns about their client unless the building were on fire and they need to warn the renter. They must be convinced to follow this protocol with your mother. Her care is NOT your responsibility at this time. They are NOT to contact you about her.
"What does your mother think you have done that she needs to punish you for?"
"I don't know. She is mentally ill and I don't understand what goes on in her mind."
You are right that you have rights as a renter, but that wouldn't automatically include the right to inherit the property. How can you be sure it isn't left in her will to the high school marching band?
I hope your counselling session tomorrow will be very helpful!
If, as Jeanne says, she's left everything to the "high school marching band", then that's who gets the house. I'm not sure you would even know if she takes you out of the will. You could possibly contest it, however, saying your mother was mentally ill when she redid it. I hope, for your sake, you inherit the home. You certainly deserve it.
Even if you won't leave the house, you should report her to APS as being abusive to you. Maybe they could get HER out.