Mom died 2 1/2 years ago, dad (almost 92 now) was her caregiver. He has been lonely, even though mom was a lot of responsibility for him and their relationship was tumultous, he says at least it was someone else sitting at the table with him. He now has a lady friend, a widow whose husband died in 2012. There seems to be a whirlwind romance going on even though he says they are just friends.
At first I was fine with the friendship which started in August. Now they seem to see each other almost every day. And I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable about this friendship because it seems to be moving very quickly. Interestingly, their paths crossed for years but they never met. Mutual friends at church introduced them to each other.
I keep telling myself that a second chance at love, no matter the age, is a good thing. And face it, at almost 92, dad doesn't have a whole lot of time left. He's so much more "alive" now when I talk to him each night. Last night, after they spent the day together at her house preparing her family Thanksgiving dinner, they went out to eat. She drove to the restaurant. His drink at the restaurant went to his head, so instead of going back to her house, she drove him straight home. (This means his car was at her house all night, are the rumors going to start?)
My husband, with a myriad of health issues, the worst being heart failure and dementia, declares that this relationship is an affair, that she's trying to steal my inheritance, and refuses to meet Joan and her family (we were invited to Thanksgiving with them, he refused to go). So that adds another level of tension for me because, darn it, my dh is often right when he feels something.
I should add that I have talked to Joan on the phone once. My first impression is that for a lady in her 80s, she is a real livewire! And the fact that she is preparing dinner for twenty -- including making yeast rolls from scratch -- tells me that she might be in better shape than I am!
Thoughts?
As for inheritance, that’s a bit sticky. Is your Dad controlling his own finances, or do you have POA? If he’s controlling his own finances, there’s not much you can do. Getting to know her will help. You’ll be able to see if she’s after anything. Your Dad is love blind. Try to get an idea of her intentions. Does your Dad have any money? Does she have any money? Who footed the bill for the Thanksgiving celebration?
If your husband has dementia, you’ve already got your hands full. Let your Dad enjoy his last few years. Keep one eye and both ears open when getting to know Joan, but from your post, she could be good for your Dad.
It also doesn’t matter that your husband doesn’t agree with it. I am glad that you are sharing in their joy.
Step softly, don't oppose the friendhip, be supportive of what it is. If they start talking marriage, encourage a joining ceremony instead. And remember, even a prenuptial agreement does not keep their funds safe from medical costs when one of the other needs extensive care and needing Medicaid coverage.
Joining ceremony? Interesting…I like it!
Thanks for the update!
Did you get to meet her?
Did he say why he didn’t want to join her in Florida?
I am sorry that things didn’t work out for your dad.
Has he tried going to a senior center in his community?
The centers in my area are quite active and they are always getting together for lunch and other activities.
I wouldn't want to hang out with somebody that their family is hostile towards me to the point of not sharing Thanksgiving with their dad.
It seems that you guys got what you wanted. Your poor dad.
I think your dad and Joan may be living in very different worlds.
I would encourage him to join her in Florida.
GG, I seem to recall that your husband with dementia was formerly a self-appointed pastor who it was found had crossed some "moral boundaries" while judging others for their "sins".
I think perhaps you need to stop letting that thinking cloud your judgement when it comes to your father's happiness. Give him permission to enjoy companionship in his old age .
Heck, I teased him when they went out for dinner (she drove, his car was at her house) and he had a little too much to drink. She drove him home rather than letting him go back to her house to retrieve his car. I said, "Well, dad, the neighborhood gossips will have a fine time with this. Your car will be at her house all night."
I would encourage him to strike up this friendship once again with Joan, throw all caution to the wind, and join her in FLA immediately. I'd accompany him down there myself, if this were my father!
Life is too short to waste one moment worrying about 'morals' or what others may think of him!
If he didnt want to go it sounds like dad dodged a bullet with this woman.
Did she cut off all contact with him because he didnt want to go to Florida with her for 3 months.
If dad wants to date i am sure there are plenty of women where he lives. Get him to go to the senior center, volunteer somewhere, join a club doing something he is interested in. There are plenty of socialization opportunities out there.
He has been socializing but is always the single among the couples. But at least he gets out of the house.
Perhaps he's just down in the mouth because he's missing her company and possibly going as far as to think she'll be looking for someone who can keep pace with her.
In the meantime, visit him, be the good daughter you've always been, tell him you're glad he's happy. No matter what your husband thinks, his brain is not what it once was, and besides, even if he's right, you can't do a thing. Enjoy your dad's happiness and stop worrying.
Dad probably figured going to Florida, he would need to learn his way around, possibly find new doctors for that short time frame. It's tough "moving" at any age, even short term. It's like going on a really really long vacation. Plus he would be staying at her place which could make him feel uncomfortable as his generation it is the man who provides.
Dad's lady friend will be home before he knows it, and they can continue where they left off.