Mom is 93. She is relatively healthy with no major health problems. She lives in her own home with no outside help. I have tried many times to enlist home care but she fires them or refuses to let them in. I live an hour away and call her everyday. I visit once a week for 5-6 hours. (Total of 8 hours when you account for travel time) I work full time and sometimes don’t get home from these visits until 9 or 10 o’clock at night. I’m 60 years old myself and it’s getting more difficult to do it all myself. Mom refuses any help. She could use some help with bathing, laundry and meal prep. Which I do when I come. She eats mostly frozen dinners. But the worst part of it all is that she is CONSTANTLY manipulating me about moving into my home. I have very clearly told her that that is not an option and that if she wants to move closer to me I would be happy to show her some places. I have said this repeatedly. Which was very difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier. Still hard on me. I think she thinks that by refusing other help she will eventually get in a situation where I have no choice. She keeps testing the fences with guilt trips and manipulation. I’m soooooooooooooooooo tired. It’s been 9 years of this. I really do feel guilty about not taking her in but to be honest, I don’t want to. And that’s part of the guilt. I just had a grandchild. My only one so far and I would like to enjoy this time. I sacrificed for my children my whole life and now that they are on their own I would like to enjoy some time for myself. My husband is completely opposed to bringing her in but says he will “live with it” if she comes. I know she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing. Problem now is that she wants to “visit” us for extended times. Or she says she is lonely and “can I come and stay for a while?” How can you say no to that? And every time she has a health issue, minor surgery, sickness etc she comes and stays with me and then acts like a beaten puppy when I take her home. The last thing she hinted at was that she would save up her pills and kill herself because “I didn’t want her”. How do I deal with all this. I’m at the end of my rope with her.
Goto, you must tell your mother that assisting an adult is a paid profession, one you’re not trained in and you also already have a job. Regardless of who the person is in your life or how you feel about them, it’s a JOB. Every woman could stand to see more that our flitting tasks here and there are work hours. When you do them, it doesn’t prove you ‘care’ just that you’re willing to consume your time that way. And not consuming your time that way doesn’t mean you don’t care. Don’t know if I said that well.
You are doing a great job of enforcing your healthy boundaries that are protecting both you and your husband, who also has earned the right to do with his time what he chooses. I've heard from many of my friends with grandkids that being a grandparent is precious to them.
Make a plan to make small changes. Cut down your visits to every other week so that you can spend more time with your grandchild. Next time she needs to recuperate somewhere, let the social worker know that your home is not an option and ask about inpatient rehabilitation. If she refuses, that's a good bargaining chip for you to get her to accept some in-home help.
Remember that you do not need to explain yourself and your choices to your mother. What's between you and your husband is none of her business.
I’m one of those who recommend counseling for so many situations, and to me you’re in one of them. Get some coaching. Your mom wants what she wants, it’s pretty human. You probably have room to be doing more steering here. BEST wishes!
Finally, at age 30 (me) she pulled that old chestnut out of the fire and I HAD HAD IT! I said "Please, mother, please DO kill yourself. But don't you DARE leave a mess for me to clean up. I am pregnant and unable to bend over. I hope that this finally makes you happy" And I slammed the front door on the way out. Worse part of that is that my kiddoes were with me and 3 of them understood what she was saying!!
I know now this is abuse and manipulation of the most awful kind. I'd rather she'd hit me than lay the guilt of her unhappiness at my feet.
Now she's 89 and is slowing down a lot. we do not have a good relationship and we won't. I swear it's the most difficult moms who live for-freaking-ever.
I have friends who lose their moms and I see the grief and sorrow they feel. I simply cannot relate to that. I'm sure I will have my moments, but honestly? She made such a mess of me that I'm not sure there's enough counseling to patch me up.
Come back here any time you feel that guilt coming on.
She says she is lonely? But in relatively good health. So, what is SHE doing about that? You are offering outside help in her home, but she says No. Well, then, guess she doesn't want/need the help. Basically, she is working at guilting, domestic tyranny, emotional abuse. Not a nice person, I think. You simply have no obligation to put up with this abuse. No reason for guilt. She should feel guilty for acting this way toward you. Tell her no as often as necessary. No arguing or explaining - the answer is no and that is final. This is something she doesn't get a say in - she needs to examine her own options for relieving loneliness.
My mom wanted to move in with me, too. She promised to pay her way, which I’m sure she would have. We would “fix up” the upstairs as an “apartment”; for her and even turn one bedroom into a mini-kitchen. At that time, I’d just been presented with my first grandson and babysat for him full time. I had his nursery upstairs and it would have been in the middle of this “apartment” of her’s. He wasn’t a difficult baby, but he did cry and demand a lot of my attention which would have irritated her. Plus, we had two dogs. She tolerated dogs but never approved of my having two. The most dangerous was that the steps were carpeted and she would have taken regular flyers down them. I deflected and redirected and finally came right out and told her no way. She would never had taken my grandma to live with her! The dilemma was solved for me when she crashed and burned with a UTI and was evaluated in the hospital. It was determined she couldn’t ,Ive alone and I placed her in a facility.
Dont put your marriage at risk for her. She will move in and take over. Step back from caregiving for her. If she refuses care you’ve set up for her, so be it. Stop. If something doesn’t get done because she refused, fine. If something doesn’t get done for her because you were with new grand baby, fine. As long as you let her use you and take over your life, she will continue. Be kind and loving in what you do, but be the iron fist in the kid glove.
If a big blow-up should happen, you'll tell her that she has several choices. Laay them all out and then add, "Coming to live with me is not one of the choices. It's not an option."
In other words, stop the manipulation by very plainly rejecting it. When she does the passive-aggressive stuff (You don't want me etc.), Just laugh and say that's nonsense, silly talk. Or say you'll talk to her later.
I love the saying repeated on this board: "No is a complete sentence." That means don't engage in her manipulative schemes; withdraw (take away your presence).
As Margaret said, turn the tables.
At present she quite likes the way things are, and thinks that she can manipulate you to make them even better her way. You say 'will she ever stop manipulating', which means that this is a long term trait and it isn't going to stop. You need to make it so that she doesn’t like the way things are and knows full well that you are not going to do what she wants. She needs to see something different as best for her, not best for you. And for everyone’s sake, STICK TO YOUR GUNS!
Stick by your guns. Visit with her but don't bring her to your place. My Aunt had her Mom for a visit. She got ill while there and never left. My Aunt cared for her Mom in Aunts house till the mother died. I hear she wasn't the nicest lady.
I would continue to say NO. Sit down in front of her, look her in the eye and say "Mom you living with us will not work for many reasons. I would be glad to find someplace near us. Either an apartment, independent living, or AL" An IL or AL would have activities and transportation. Some IL have meals included. If she is still stubborn, then tell her these are her choices.
You are entitled to your life. This is the time you and husband get to enjoy life alone for a change. I am pretty sure if Mom was living with you she would expect to go everywhere u did. And pout if u tried to explain why she couldn't. Enjoy that grandchild. They are only little for so long.
Stop the extended visits in your home. I can see her getting "hurt" or "sick" while there and thus getting to stay with you indefinitely. In her mind she may see it as you being somewhat open to her living there. She's hoping that once she's there a few days, that you'll say she can stay for good.
If she asks to stay awhile, a reply along the lines of, "Well, you get so upset when it's time to go back home, and I don't like you doing that." This turns the tables on her. She currently sees it as "She makes me leave and that upsets me." This other angle frames it as "I choose to get upset when I have to leave." Then the blame sits with her, not you.
Keep reminding her you'd be happy to have her live nearby. When she scoffs at that, maybe gently suggest that if she is so unhappy or lonely living alone, that perhaps assisted living would be a good option? She'll hate that idea even more, but the purpose is to let her know in a subtle way that you're not backing down and can't be guilt-tripped into taking her in. Could point out that you wouldn't live with your grown children either, and that is the normal way it should be.