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Boyfriend's mom, who is 84, makes up lies, threatens us with police (while there actually is a case open against us right now due to something she claimed against us) and social services, she claims that we are aggressive and she's afraid of us. Mom lives with boyfriend, she has no other family here that would help. I have my own place but I spend a lot of time at boyfriend's and have witnessed some crazy stuff.


A few months ago, a suggestion about her living arrangements was made while boyfriend and I think about our future together, and that made her completely flip out and that's when her false accusations against us started.


Prior to the time when she became furious about our living arrangement proposal, there have been times when she left the stove on and gas was leaking. Also, she would say that she had fallen and when we said we'd call the ambulance because she couldn't get up, she sprinted up like an athlete. We thought she was faking it for attention because this behavior was accompanied by her being pouty, but now we are more concerned because we are hearing from people that she told them she had fallen. We don't know what's true, we have not actually seen her fall. Mom said one time she couldn't get off the toilet and she was banging on the door and nobody came to her rescue. We don't think that happened. She has a panic button she can press for help but she never wears it and uses it to call on her son as if calling a butler.


It's very stressful, the false accusations and the fact that we don't know if she does have some falls or accidents because she will say she fell to get attention but when we want to seek help for her she jumps up and refuses to have 911 called and since there was nothing visibly wrong with her, we did not call 911.


Mom is 84, lives with her son who is at work all day. She is not ill, she takes daily long walks, is able to shower, groom, feed herself, she does not need help with anything other than communicate with people other than boyfriend and me because she doesn't speak English.


Mom has been telling weird stories since I've met her. She'll talk about stuff that supposedly happened like 20 years ago when she lived with her son back then, she wasn't being fed properly and lost a lot of weight. She likes to play the victim, she uses foul language with people close to her but she's proper when talking to people with whom she feels she should not cuss with. When we confronted her about lies against us, she started turning attention to herself, her legs hurt, she can't remember, she's old, we don't understand - pretty much anything to change the subject.


Because her hate toward us seems to intensify and the accusations are becoming more frequent, we feel we need to do something - but what can we do? We thought about calling social services for resources, any type of assistance but we don't want to create more problems.


I thought about dementia, but she seems logical at times, she remembers phone numbers, she calls people from memory, she doesn't use stored numbers. She shops and pays for her stuff and is able to count money and pay the proper amount. It's out of the question to suggest to her she be tested, she will probably freak out as she has already pointed out that "yeah I'm old and not right in the head, right?" We looked at dementia symptoms and maybe one or two might fit a little bit but then that kind of stuff happens to me as well. I used to think that she's just a nasty person and she truly does seem vindictive, angry, self-centered, but I'm really wondering now if there might be an underlying issue.


What would you recommend? Can she be tested without being told what it's for? Maybe that would help us in the way we deal with her and find her proper care? Should we contact social services? Don't know where to begin.

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There are many posts about guys who are ‘keepers’, and it often seems to depend on them being helpful, non-assertive, and pleasant to be with. Unfortunately, many of them seem to be incapable of standing up to mother. Give him a clear choice - you or mother. If he won’t choose, get out. The compromise solutions are just another way to show that you don’t come first.
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Go find my recent post about MY MIL and see yourself in 20 years with the insanity I have had to deal with for 45 years--b/c my DH is a 'good guy' and never put me first--always his mom.

Oh, and I'd be HAPPY being called a cow. That's actually nice, compared to the stuff she's said to me.

If your BF will not put you first, leave. It is good that he loves his mom, it is NOT good that he doesn't seem to care much for YOUR heart.
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It's great to find a good person to have in your life, but when that comes with an anchor that can't be reeled in, yikes


DISGUSTED answered quite eloquently.
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The real question should be:

How Long Have You Two Been Dating? And how long has mom been in the picture? So, you Do Know, that when you marry someone, you marry their whole family... Remember,, The Whole Family... mom, siblings, aunts, cousins, dad, and other members who come out of the woodwork....
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And How Long Have you 3 been Dating?
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You have your own place... Make sure you stay there at your own place..
If he wants to visit and take you out for a nice dinner in these times (covidI) let him figure it out.
No need to place yourself in a firing line. You are probably not the first friend to experience this. If you cannot take the heat,,,, get out of the kitchen.
She is not your problem... She is his issue,,, no need to get involved. You go get your life on... and fend for yourself... Be Happy, Carry On, and if you want. let him WALTZ back into YOUR LIFE.
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A marriage is between 2 people not 3. A marriage is between 2 people that DOESNT involve the police knocking on your door or social services.

Dont marry him. There are plenty of other guys out there. You are so very young. We are only trying to prevent you from making a huge mistake.
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There are several behaviours a person may develop. Rather than see them as challenging see them as distress and a way to communicate a need that is not bring met.
https://www.endeavourcaretraining.co.uk/post/understanding-why-a-person-with-dementia-may-display-distress-behaviours
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I’m also a bit confused about the language issue. “Mama doesn't speak English at all and she's been in this country for almost 30 years”. Then you say “She uses foul language with people close to her but she's proper when talking to people with whom she feels she should not cuss with. When we confronted her about lies against us....”. Foul language in English? Who are the people ‘close to her’ besides you and your boyfriend? Who are the people that “she feels she should not cuss with”? Who is she telling lies to?

If she has a social group of people who speak her language, it might be helpful to be in contact with them. If not, I can’t understand what is going on.
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WhipperSnapper Nov 2020
Hi Margaret, mama doesn't have any English-speaking friends. She has a handful of friends whom she communicates with in her language. Two or three are the ones she cusses on the phone with and spreads gossip. A couple of her friends she has known for over 20 years, they are her closest friends besides my boyfriend and myself (well, no longer). I speak their language, so there are no language barriers between us. Sometimes I wish that there were, I went from being her heaven sent angel to a cow. Yes, she actually called me a cow.

I'm burnt out, I've taken the last couple of weeks away from her mentally (trying to not even THINK about her) and forget about seeing her in person, I'm completely done with her. I was trying to find out for the boyfriend what options there might be in terms of getting the social services involved, if at all. All the nastiness aside, she has been showing signs of not being safe, hence the question about social services.
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The calculated malicious nature of her tactics sound like a personality disorder, not dementia. People with dementia don’t have the ability to be calculated and scheming
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I have not read through all the comments so I apologize in advance if my comments duplicate others.
In some communities, it is the expectation of the son to care for his aged parents until their death. I wondered if this was the case in this situation. The daughter in law, whether legal or simply by virtue of the relationship, has the role of caregiving and honoring the male's parents. These community norms are long established and not to be dismissed because of moving to a new country. The elders are honored and hold a central place in the family. Everyone revolves about them.
I suspect the woman wants attention. Who doesn't? Being sick, or falling is one way to get the attention. The son works full time and when he arrives home his girlfriend is then looking for his attention. Any three way relationship will result in triangulation, one party always out or shorted.
This mother is not going to gently go into the night about her relationship with her son. The girlfriend is the outsider and police reports are meant to break the relationship.
The boyfriend has the responsibility to sort this out. If he cannot then there is no hope for an mutual adult relationship until his mother passes.
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rovana Oct 2020
This is a good explanation - in some cultures that is the expected role of the daughter-in-law. Boyfriend may well assume that is normal and OK. In this kind of situation, a prospective wife either accepts the cultural norms OR realizes that the boyfriend is already "married" to his mom. I'd say in this situation, a girlfriend should move on because it is unlikely that she could truly adjust and accept this culture, when born and raised in one like the mainstream US.
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"Mama doesn't speak English at all and she's been in this country for almost 30 years. She knows a few words and she thinks she knows what people are talking about when she hears the words but she really has no clue."

I suspect "Mama" knows a lot more that you think she does.

A Chinese friend in college would talk to his grandmother in English, and she would respond in Chinese. His ability to speak the language was minimal, but he clearly understood her. She clearly understood English, but chose to respond in Chinese. I've never forgotten that exchange, because mid-sentence she said clearly "canned cat food" - most likely there was no word for that in Chinese.

She's been here 30 years. She watches TV. She has friends. Being exposed to another language is hard on adults, but over time they do learn it. Probably not enough to have an in-depth debate with someone, but enough to get by. Since her son can speak her language, she uses that as it is more comfortable for her.

A co-worker came from another country to go to college, having little or no English. She watched cartoons to help her learn!

She's called the police and social services? Who there speaks her language? How is she so capable to take care of herself and be able to do this? All the threats made as well - she's no dummy. She's playing the system to get what she wants, which sounds like her son to herself and you out of the picture.

This will be a tough one for you. I don't see boundaries, even if set before, will work very well in this instance. I don't see the "classic" signs of dementia in what you have described. This clearly sounds like a power struggle, and no one will be a winner. If this were her house, I would suggest that he move out and make arrangements to care for whatever she can't do. Selling it and getting perhaps an in-law apartment arrangement *might* work, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Letting her live in it, providing LIMITED help, he could consider buying another place or helping pay for your place, so you can live together in peace (somewhat...) My former MIL wasn't quite this bad, but she was domineering and lived for the day to be a grandmother. I became just the vessel who brought them forth. If we were there every day and then some, it likely wouldn't be enough! Stifling.

So, I'm not really buying that she doesn't know English. I'm not buying dementia. Could there be another personality disorder? Sure. But there's nothing you can do about that. Unless she harms herself or one of you, this is what it is. Given that she has been here 30 years and "doesn't speak English", it's not likely she's had a job here or any real earnings, so most likely no income? Medicaid is questionable, but even if she qualified, she isn't NH material, based on what you've written. One can't be "forced" to move, even if they do have dementia. ROCK|YOU|HARD PLACE.

Perhaps a heart-to-heart with this BF, without mom's presence. Prepare ahead of time what you want to say and ask. List the pros and cons. List the options, as you see them. Do listen to his responses. In particular, if he wavers on doing anything to break this cycle, it might be best to walk away - at least for a while, take a cool-down period.

It's great to find a good person to have in your life, but when that comes with an anchor that can't be reeled in, yikes!
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Your boyfriend's mom is manipulative. She may have a psychological disorder and she is doing all kinds of things to get attention and make sure you don't taker her son away from her. I would suggest that she may need an assisted living apartment since she appears to have the ability to care for herself. Otherwise, your boyfriend should consider that his mom need a psychological evaluation and follow-on treatment.
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Imho, this dynamic must change stat. Your boyfriend's mother needs facility living. Prayers sent.
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You should call Social Services for help. They have a long list of clubs, people, churches that can help in this type of situation.
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Plain and simple “RUN” ! Get away from this as fast as you can, it will not get better.
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Your boyfriend lives with his 84 year old mother and puts up with all her behavior and cops at the house?

HEAD FOR THE HILLS!! Dump the boyfriend and talk to a therapist. Your boyfriends mother could easily live to be 100. My mother is 96 and with modern medicine, people are living to 100. Dump the boyfriend. It’s his mother. His responsibility.

Your boyfriend was married before, now divorced, and his mother was mad that he chose his WIFE over HER?

Run, don’t walk. That is a huge red flag.
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She is lapsing in and out of dementia - normal for people like this. I see NO option but to do whatever it is going to take and have her placed away from those she can harm. Do not under any circumstances allow her behavior, her nastiness, etc. to impact you - you do NOT deserve it. She is angry, fearful and losing it - a deadly combination. It is h*ll waiting to explode. In the meantime speak with the doctors, an eldercare attorney, social services, etc. You cannot allow her to stay where she is - she must be placed. Do NOT allow this. If she is nasty to you, STAY AWAY FROM HER COMPLETELY. If you must be involved, then place her. She is creating her own bed and she must lie in it. Don't concern yourself what she does or if she falls. Someone will step in but you stay out of it and far away. I would never, ever tolerate this from anyone no matter who or what.
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Riley2166 Oct 2020
And I am confused - is she living with HER boyfriend? Or do you have a boyfriend she is making trouble for. Please clarify. At any rate, WALK AWAY - SHE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AND EFFORT.
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Thare are meds that work the only thing about that is finding the right one.
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You know enough to back off and stay away from her. Let your boyfriend be the puppet on a string. I would reconsider the whole relationship if I were you.

This woman is not eligible for skilled nursing home care by a long shot. She’s ambulatory. Your guardedness about what you did to provoke an investigation against you also has me thinking that there is a power struggle going on between all three of you. Nothing about this situation sounds hopeful and I recommend that you end your relationship with this family and move on to someone else.
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I had a "keeper" many years ago as well. He was smart, good looking, doted on me and generally swept me off my feet. Oh sure he had a few little quirks, one of which was his mother and brothers. I figured since I was such a strong independent woman I could handle it. Many years later I see all the many red flags thrown on the field that I just chose to ignore because "he was a keeper". Through 38 years of marriage I gradually put my friends aside, my family and sad to say at times even my/our children to cater to this overgrown momma's boy. Since you aren't married and don't have children please consider what others have said and see all the red flags for what they are!
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No, you shouldn't call Social Service on your mom.

Leave you mom alone.

Call her on the phone and visit if she wants you to visit.

Ask her about installing camera's in the home and put a call button in places like the bathroom since she doesn't wear her call button.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2020
?Are you answering the right question here? This woman is NOT OP's mother, it is her boyfriend's mother. The mother doesn't live alone, she lives in her son's house. As for "Leave you mom alone.", OP has only treated this woman with kindness and tried to help her when she needed help. She isn't the one making trouble!
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It actually does sound like dementia. Believe me, they can often take care of themselves and they can seem "normal" at times, and a moment later, they can be completely irrational, especially in the earlier stages.

If possible, try to get her tested.
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I had to smile a bit when I read this because I'm also on a forum for parents and this topic comes up time and again on the dealing with MIL board. I know she's not a MIL, but the theme is familiar as well as the personality.

Based on what you've shared it looks like you are dealing with a narcissist. This is also compounded by the fact that English is not her first language and she immigrated here from her home country so she is having to learn the rules.

Regarding the police being called, even if a case is open against you, the burden of proof lies on her since she made the call. This CAN work in your favor as evidence to build a case for the social worker and the police will help you with that as this isn't the first time they get called out for domestic cases.

If his mother threatens to harm herself or others you can call the police and they will take her to the local hospital which will sedate her and again a Social Worker will get involved.

He needs to consult an elder law attorney, preferably one who has someone on staff who speaks his mother's home language fluently. They need to create a POA, and he needs to be added on all of her medical records as the approved person they can speak to about her medical health. Without that, there is no way to get any tests or screens done due to HIPPA. If he wishes not to have that, a judge may appoint someone to be your mother's POA which can get a bit dicey but on the other hand if he wants to move out from her grasp it would certainly enable him to do so.

Regarding your relationship to him, you are his girlfriend and it's probably wise to step back and stay in your own place. If he wants to crash with you, fine, he can help pay the rent and do what you would be doing if you were staying at his. Also what happened 20 years ago has little to do with you. You need to establish personal boundaries as it's clear she's laid them out for you. If she wants to talk about what happened 20 years ago, smile, and change the subject. If she wants to trash talk her son, smile BUT pay attention. In a way, she is warning you, as you weren't there and let's just say it's good to listen carefully to what she says and read between the lines. Then at another time, bring it up with your boyfriend and clarify the details. If he seems to always have an excuse or something, that's a red flag.

I know there is a lot here in this response, but all of this is dependent on your commitment to the relationship. As someone else posted, sometimes it's better to cut your losses and get out.

Stay friends, but he needs to get his personal stuff together first and decide how long he wants to be under mom's thumb or if he's ready to step out on his own. It will happen whether he wants to or not, and the question is, once this time is gone, it's gone he can't get it back. However, if he feels a personal debt to his mother, he needs to go get therapy for that and with his therapist work through those feelings to get to a place of confidence and freedom.
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WhipperSnapper Oct 2020
Thank you so much for your response and for so much information that is helpful and supportive. I messed up when I didn't set boundaries and I see that now. Out of politeness we both were overly helpful to mama and pretty much never disagreed with her. To be honest, we both walked on eggshells around her because she's elderly and it didn't cost us much to allow her to be dominate and fuss a little, hear her out and be on our way. Boyfriend worried that if she might get worked up, perhaps she'd get a stroke or a heart attack. I'm finding myself stressed out with major anxiety and it's starting to take a toll on my serenity, sanity and health.
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It sounds to me as if she fears being abandoned by the one person who she can communicate with. I would also say she has some type of personality disorder that drives the attention seeking, even when it could hurt another. Are there any social groups or adult daycare situations in your area that her son could get her involved in? She sounds like she is lonely.
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WhipperSnapper Oct 2020
I think you're right about the personality. After boyfriend's divorce she might have finally gotten her son to herself and then he met me. Mama never had one nice word to say about his ex-wife, in fact mama said to me that from the moment she met the ex-wife, mama hated her. Why? Because mama could just tell that she was not a good person and that she didn't properly greet mama at the airport when mama arrived in the US - that's what mama told me. There were some issues in the marriage because of mama as well and I believe that she holds a grudge that her son chose the wife over her. Now I'm the one she's against and I definitely see a pattern there between mama's behavior toward the ex-wife and now me.

Language barrier is the problem, mama has one friend who visits her on a regular basis because they can communicate in their language. Besides that, she watches TV and talks on the phone throughout the day, but she doesn't have anything to keep her hands and mind busy. After her meetings with the friend or calls with people, she spends her time dissecting what was said, offering opinions and even finding things to be upset about, whether it's criticizing that person or taking personally what was said.

Mama doesn't have any hobbies or interests, we tried to get her involved in stuff like maybe doing puzzles, light gardening, maybe some reading or games or crafts, she's not interesting in anything. She likes to take a daily walk to the store, at least she's getting some exercise.
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You need a new boyfriend. Dump him. Fast.
I hope you are not into toxic relationships--if that's the case seek help for yourself.
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Why do you think so little of yourself that you would tolerate this? Dump the boyfriend - it will only get worse! If you must see him, make it at your place or anywhere other than his home.
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WhipperSnapper Oct 2020
Hi Katiekat, boyfriend is a keeper, he's a good person. Of course, I wouldn't stick around indefinitely dealing with his mom if he weren't willing to work on it. These huge, bad issues only came up within the last couple of months, not to dismiss all that has been leading up to it. Oh no, there were signs and red flags with his mom which I chose to ignore. She's an old lady, what can she possibly do to me? Well, turns out I'm finding that out right now! It took me YEARS to stand up to my controlling, abusive mom and when I finally did it took me a long time to get over the guilt I had over distancing myself from her. I did therapy and support groups and I got over the guilt and when I met boyfriend's mom and she was so sweet and nice to me, I took the bait. I didn't set the boundaries I should have and I gave too much. I thought I would have a relationship with her which I didn't have with my mom. I think that I need to seriously think about staying away from that house for my own sanity, you're right about that.
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I wonder if the underlying issue might be that she lives in the US with her son, she doesn't speak the language, and he (presumably) moved her here with (presumably) her understanding that she would continue to live with him and be looked after in her old age. Then fast forward: he forms a grown-up relationship with a nice lady and wishes to take that further, mother is to be moved to a lovely little retirement apartment nearby, and you're surprised that she wigs out?

She doesn't speak English - what is her first language? Does she not speak English at all? - or just not when she doesn't feel like it.

You say she has no family here that would help out: does she have family here that gives her a wide berth?! How long has she lived in the US?

I completely agree that what needs to happen *first* is your boyfriend's building better boundaries and expanding her support network beyond himself. He needs to do this independently of you, otherwise you automatically become the Villain of the Piece. How long have you and he been together?
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WhipperSnapper Oct 2020
Hi, our suggestion about living arrangements was that we don't want to share space with her. We want privacy, our own kitchen and main living area, freedom to do what we want when we want it. To be able to have guests and make some noise because those things right now are not OK with her.

We suggested a separate house or a unit on the same property, perhaps an in-law unit or something along those lines where she would be boss of her space and we would have our own. With this arrangement, we would be super close to monitor her well-being as she's aging, help out, that kind of thing.

In the past, she told me that her son and I can get married after she's dead. I took notice, it was a weird thing to say but then I recalled that she always claimed to love me, even said I was an angel sent into their lives, but there was never talk with her about a future between me and him, no interest from her and we didn't tell her everything we've been discussing, planning. This makes me think that maybe she loved me in the role of the awesome girlfriend who has her own house and helps her out and now that he and I are thinking about building a life together, she might feel threatened.

We've been together for over 4 years. Mama doesn't speak English at all and she's been in this country for almost 30 years. She knows a few words and she thinks she knows what people are talking about when she hears the words but she really has no clue.

She has no family here except my boyfriend and his grown kids who want nothing to do with her. She has another son and other family in her country. After her husband died, she moved to the US, leaving behind quite a bit of family, including her other son who is older than my boyfriend and had (is good now) some medical and psychological issues.

There is a lot of good history with boyfriend's mom, we had a great relationship before. There were times when she was overbearing and I distanced myself a little, boyfriend would spend more time at my house during those times. It wasn't all rosy with her during the last few years, far from it, but nothing like what's going on now.

It all changed when boyfriend told her that he wanted to start a life with me and started talking to her about new living arrangements. It's as if overnight she became pissed, cold fish. Started ignoring me when I said hello or would say nothing and just mutter stuff under her nose. Boyfriend and I went on a vacation and came back to a police investigation against us. She started telling my boyfriend that I had supposedly said nasty things about him to her, which I never did! I feel that I'm already her enemy number 1, especially after what happened last weekend, pretty much right after I made my post.

Start of last weekend, she confronted me and boyfriend, supposedly wanting to talk but the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Nobody's without fault, maybe I made some mistakes but YOU ..." and I didn't want to listen any more because I hadn't done anything wrong and I told her this. So she started with her threats again about calling the police and they will alert social services. Her new accusation will be that he's not taking care of her. What she means is he's not taking her to go gambling, to church, to the store, whatever she'd like. He stopped doing those things after she made that case against us with the police. She doesn't need help with anything, she bathes herself, dresses, prepares food, and he still gets groceries and pays the bills.

I'm willing to help with getting her some medical/mental care which I feel she should have. I think she should be tested, maybe there's more to all this than just difficult personality. There might be answers as to why she's behaving this way. I am getting very burnt out, I'm tired, anxious and I'm really starting to dislike her. Boyfriend is willing to work on the situation, he knows he coddled her for too long and here we are.
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Call her PC doctor and tell him/her what is happening in the home. Her PC can setup an appoint to see the other doctor to do the test. Also the PC can have a social worker meet with your boyfriend and help find her a place to stay, not sure what she can afford she may need to go into a nursing home. You need to do this ASAP before she calls the police again. Good luck hope all works out. Start with her PC doctor and go from there, your boyfriend should have POA for her healthcare giving him the right to talk privately with her PC doctor before she sees a specialist.
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You lost me after saying, "....while there actually is a case open against us right now due to something she claimed against us." This woman is bringing in the POLICE to settle disputes against you..........why are you still living there?

Get out. Now. That's my advice. Any man that is willing to have the police called on himself & his girlfriend by his own mother and doesn't move out immediately has some issues himself that need to be addressed.

Good luck!
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rovana Oct 2020
You are so right. This is a very dangerous situation. Your boyfriend should be deciding whether he wants a future with you or to stay under mommy's thumb. His mother will do just about anything to keep the enmeshment going. I'd stay away and protect myself and boyfriend should be making a decision about his future. In a way it does not really matter whether she is evil or sick, she has shown you the limits that she will go to to get her way. Believe her!
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