So my MIL moved in with us because her husband died and ever since that my mother calls me at least once a week crying about taking care of my father. I asked her about home health and she’s insistent on not having anyone else in her house taking care of my dad. Fast forward to Jan 2, she calls and tells us she cannot do this alone anymore and is hurt my brother lives 5 miles away and won’t help. So, she’s asked to move to Louisiana with us! Her plan is to let my dad live with us until she sells her house and then buy/rent a house in my town. Luckily the house right next door is for sake/rent we see it next week, hoping she’ll be able to move into it. She mentioned she was not ready to put him in a home! I’m not willing to put him in a home ever! Now my MIL is concerned that my dad will be at our house. My teenagers have dubbed my house THE CLARKS RETIREMENT HOME 🤣
Anyway, any advice is greatly appreciated from y’all. The tension in my home is stressful at times. We are doing the final move today if my MIL things she hadn’t touched in five years. And in two weeks I’ll have to move my parents stuff too.
Anyway, what’s the best way to approach my mother because my brother is on his POA as secondary. I only see problems in the future if I’m not on the POA a secondary. She’s got a POA and I’m not listed on that at all. I’m ok with that as she has sewn what she’s reaped towards me.
My father battles cancer and is beginning late stage Alzheimer’s
- do NOT move any parents into your home or NEXT TO your home. Your first and only responsibility is to your immediate family: husband and children. If you try to be the ringleader of this Senior Circus, your marriage and home life (and sanity and bank account) will suffer. Period.
- you are not responsible for your parents' happiness. They are adults and have had their entire lives to prepare mentally and financially for this time.
- everyone's fear of care communities is overblown. Have you recently visited a nice, reputable one? Sounds like some of your seniors can go into independent living or AL and they will have a healthy social life and good care. Is it a big change for them? Yup, but so what -- they'll adjust if you butt out.
- don't make promises you absolutely can't keep like, "I'll never put them in a home". Don't agree to promise you won't put them in a home if they ask you. It's not fair of them to ask. It's selfish and destructive. I promise you can't keep this promise without losing your sanity.
- don't feel guilty that you can't please or rescue everyone. Don't enable them. They will be ok.
- You can help in healthy, practical ways but not without durable PoA.
Others will post more insight and I pray you heed all of it. Blessings!
Stating that you will never place either in a home is wishful thinking, not realistic.
I would suggest that you read some of the many posts on here about how in home caretaking has ruined the caretakers lives, these are real stories, not fiction. With your parents living right next store, it will be just like they are living with you.
I would reconsider this option, and take a little time to research AL's near you, for everyone's well-being. Good Luck!
Caring for your dad with cancer and dementia is not going to be easy. Is your house set up to care for someone that can not do stairs? has to use a walker or wheelchair? are bathrooms barrier free so a wheelchair can be brought into the bathroom and maybe into the shower? no carpet so a Hoyer Lift can be moved easily when transferring him. These are just a few things that might be needed.
Is he still seeking treatment for the cancer? If not is he on Hospice. If he is seeking treatment for the cancer I have to ask Why?
Why would you resist placing your dad in a Memory Care facility with trained staff.
In all honesty I would tell her that you just can not handle caring for anyone else at this time. And it is wisest to stay closest to the person that has (secondary) POA just in case more help is necessary.
Just remember that things can be changed if they aren’t working - trial and error. Our dear seniors’ needs change and our means of caring for them changes as well.
Remember too that you can’t do this on your own - you will need the support of your family.
Have faith that you will make the best decisions! And if you need to revisit those decisions, it’s alright.
Best of luck and here’s a caregiver hug, which are really strong hugs!!!
The tension in your home is justly warranted, unfortunately. The best wisdom you can hear is to care for your children and enable them to live a normal life. Read these boards to see what happens when you place the elders needs above your family's.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed