Working on my exit plan. How to not feel guilty?

She is competent? They say that she is.
Your insistence that she is not is holding you there.
Leave the 911 call number there as you exit.

As to guilt:
DID YOU CAUSE your mom's problems?
No.
Can you FIX her problems?
NO.

Then you aren't guilty.

As to feeling GRIEF? Yes.
You do and you should. This is a sad impossible situation in which you have done what you could and it hasn't been enough. You have a right to your life. But this will be a source of grief, I would imagine, for your entire life. It is impossible to live without grieving.

Please note the dates of questions before you post. It brings them back to the top. OP has an update in discussions.

Boy. That's some agreement she got signed.

The things I'm reading remind me of my mother's parents. At 83, they sold their home and moved into a retirement home where they had 3 meals, a nice place, and so on. For the most part, it worked very well. It wasn't perfect in the end for either of them, and it was sad at the end of my grandmother's life in particular, as she moved into extended care, and it was pretty awful. However, it was also necessary, and not many months before she died.

Meanwhile, my own mother, like yours, is pretending she's entirely capable and competent, and I'm finding it very hard on my mental health. Reading responses to you, I can see that my jumping (How high?) to solve things is enabling her when she should be living in a retirement home which she absolutely refuses - basically because she can get me to fill in the voids.

I have an email from her today, asking me to do something for her, and saying that she went to a local retirement home for some event which she said she enjoyed, and admired all the activities available, but stated adamantly, she could never live there and would never consent to it. (I suspect she went to check it out because she knows she just totally pissed me off.)

So here's the thing: These women have made decisions to live "independently" when it's frankly a miserable and nerve-wracking existence in some cases. They resent the daughters they guilt into helping them. And the basic problem is that they have refused to accept that in order to be "independent", they need to be somewhere where the services they need are available to them, and where people are paid to do that work.

Looking at many things I'm reading here, depending on your middle aged (and even senior - as I am) children (usually daughters) is and extremely selfish choice. If they would do the right thing and move to care, maybe we could have a decent experience with them.

Having said all of that, I believe my mother has more money than your mother does. However, perhaps there are subsidies that can help. Perhaps the rent from her side of your duplex. And perhaps your brothers can cough up something. If not, again ... My mother has spent buckets on having a lot of fun (6 marriages (all pretty brief, really), a great deal of travel, expensive vehicles, and other things) while I've worked since I was quite young and still have debt. She made her choices, and I'm working on trying to just let her take her own consequences. I'm not doing very well at it yet. I hope you can step back and step out, and you'd likely hope the same for me.

Cinder, have your brothers been picking Mom up from hospital, bringing her home, but expecting you to be 'aftercare'?

I can see how this happens.. I reckon my DH would do the same. He always said no personal-care but happy to drive people anywhere. Would see he was HELPING. Would not see he ENABLED.

I've stepped in that myself which is why I LEARNED.
I picked up a LO from a medical appointment & was told overnight care was required. Um NO I was NOT asked to do that & I will not be. A compromise of staying several hours was made - which I did. I also checked in via phone more. LO found to be jandiced on next visit, unable to manage pain or pain meds. Right.
So NEXT time from the outset I said loud & clear: I will not pick you up as I do not believe you can look after yourself.

So the next time, a different person did pickup & now they learned this lesson too!! 😆

If the brothers haven't lived this - they won't get it. Strongly suggesting they do so will be hard - they may mumble OK but still drive, drop & go & you'll be the one left on checkin duty. Hmm 🤔

Is it possible to have your brothers on the same page?

I want to be able to reach this point and I am working on getting a job to become independant because my mom is getting even WORSE now!

I think I finally understand what MargaretMcken and ZippyZee meant when they told me on my post about continuing to enable my mom's independance

In order to change that, we have to take away all reason for her to continue living here

Set firm boundaries for your own self preservation, and back away from caregiving duties, once you've come to realize that the situation/or relationship is toxic to you. It can feel so hard, but logically would you advise a close friend to do anything less than that ?
I’m working on this as well with my mom, so I really can empathize. I’m always reading articles about this, and about adult child relationships with parents at different points through life. The following is the best advice I’ve seen. It was from a therapist who blogs online. (Sorry, I can’t recall her name.)

I’m paraphrasing here;
”You will often feel guilt when you’re setting new boundaries with a close relative. This is normal. Acknowledge the guilt, while knowing that it is not reasonable for the situation. Most importantly do NOT Cave-in, because of it ! CARRY ON (with your own life) DESPITE feeling some guilt, and in time it will be gone.”

Oh the realization of the decline of a parent. This is so hard. This is my experience: When my Daddy was so coming up on his ALZ. I kept my siblings up to date and I was assigned as DPOA and Executor. At one point my Daddy realized that I needed to have power and he just let me. He resigned and trustee of the Living Trust, I put my name on ALL bills and accounts. I also, lied to him. Yes I did. This got him to relax and stay in the rehab place, the assisted living. Would I do it again! Heck yes! Also, it doesn't work for everyone, all situations are different. You need to do what you need to do. Walking away just might work for your situation. Letting brothers get the phone calls might just open their eyes. NOT EASY! prayers for you and yours.

NO ONE should be picking mom up from the hospital.

If she's competent, she can figure out how to get home on her own.

You ALL need to stop propping her up.

"I have 2 brothers and they were clear that they weren't going to be caregivers. I was resentful at first, but I totally get it. They had and have every right to do as they wish with their lives.
They do offer to pick her up from the hospital and bring her home, which is a regular occurence.
I did give up a job. No one sees that loss of income is a factor here as well. Now I drive a school bus. Not a lot of money, but the hours are something I can work with in this situation.
I don't do hands on caregiving (I don't change diapers or give showers) but I do literally everything else. She can't even write a grocery list by herself.
I guess that's why I woul feel guilty for stepping back, because I know that she can't even write a grocery list by herself, even though everyone else seems to think she is competent!"

Yes, your 2 brothers have every right to do what they wish with their own lives, but by picking your mother up from the hospital to take her back home, they are interfering in YOUR life. YOU gave up a job -- not them. Realize that they get to do nothing because you do everything. Why are you okay with that?

So you don't do diapers or showers, but everything else? (And what would happen if she did need assistance with those things?)

I don't think you really intend to change anything. You write about how things are sad. I think it's sad that you won't put yourself first. Mama won't die. If you remove yourself from the scene, one or maybe both of your brothers will step up....or not.

Who has POA? No one? HCPOA? If everyone thinks Mama is competent, then let her have control of her own life. Substitute real independence for YOU in place of her "independence"' that you enable.

I'm sure you're doing the right thing for you and for mom.

Get out while the getting is good, which is what my friend used to say!

Although, if you are working on the other house on the property with an eye to moving into it, you are still on the property. Suggestion: Do whatever it takes not to be on the property at all. AT ALL. If you're there, you risk getting sucked back in.

A new door has opened for you. I say go through it! You seem to see the situation so very clear. Beware of mucking it up with doubt. Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen? 911 gets called, mom ends up with social services involved or in hospital, then is likely placed somewhere she'll receive the care she needs. I would guess you could live with that scenario or similar. More power to you!

A side note: my mom seems very competent too, while sitting on the couch watching TV, knowing her name and that it's a Sunday. Then, as you well know, just wait a few minutes........

The entire situation is sad, especially with dementia present, and the argumentativeness that prevents you from helping mom. So of course that's going to make you feel guilty, there's no way to avoid it bc it's a no-win situation for all involved. Recognize you'll feel guilty, but push past it knowing there's only one thing to do now. Push forward with your plans, and hopefully you'll flush mom out of there and into managed care. Done and done.

I wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation

It isn’t up to you to prove to everyone your mother can’t live alone and needs help it’s up to her to prove she doesn’t need help and can live alone. As long as you enable her (never mind everyone else) to believe she’s living on her own without help she will never get the help you know she needs so you aren’t doing her a service. It is and will be a hard lesson for all of you but removing yourself from constant availability sounds like the only thing that will help everybody in this situation. Even if it leads to a trip to the hospital… Part of your contribution here is to move forward with whatever plans you and your husband would be making without the consideration of your mom.

You have been here a long time, Cinder. You cannot have missed this one which I repeat ad nauseam. You need to change out your G-words.
Guilt is for felons and evil doers. It infers that you CAUSED this and you are for your own evil purposes keeping it going.
The word that pertains for you is Grief.
Grief understands that there is no answer to many things, that not everything can be fixed, and that some things must just be endured.
Endurance doesn't mean you give up your own life on an altar to others. It means that you will have to learn to build your own life despite the grief you feel for others.
You know we all are in your corner.

I agree, no one will see how Mom really is until you walk away. Everyone says she is competent, you need to show them she isn't. What do you need to feel guilty about. You have done everything you can. Seems she doesn't feel she needs you. Do what you need to do for you.

Good Luck.

The only thing you are abandoning is her illusion of competency and independence. Now you stand by and watch the train wreck in slo-mo, but the wreck *will* happen and there will be a change in her situation.

If you do rent out your half of duplex, please be merciful and inform the new tenent to *not* enable your Mom, so that they can avoid being innocent victims that get sucked into the vortex. Tell them to just keep calling 911 if she asks for help.

Once you leave it will become clear that she is no longer independent and able to care for herself. See, you are helping to create the image of competence.

Now is your chance, take it, fly like a bird.

You have done your duty, you are not powerful enough to make her more than she really is, happiness is an inside job.

Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck forever.

The only way that she will get the help she needs is by you walking away,

I read your profile and some of your posts.

How did you get sucked into this caregiving situation in the beginning? I take it you own the duplex? Is your mother paying rent for her side?

How many brothers do you have? And they do nothing? Do they visit?

How much caregiving do you do? Did you give up a job for her?

Why should YOU feel guilty for stepping back?

Cinder, sometimes "abandonment" is another way of saying "only if I walk away will my ill parent get the help she needs and deserves".

Being "there" gives all the professionals the false impression that she needs no further support or treatment because you are there, propping up her charade of independence.

Leave and the facade is gone.

Have you read Never Simple by Liz Scheier?