Follow
Share

My mother lives with me. She has been ill for over 15 years. Within the last month she dropped a starling amount of weight (possible medication/vaccination issue). She struggles to even drink without vomiting. I bring up the hospital every chance I get but she refuses to go. We are extremely close and I want to give her dignity and respect her wishes. However, I don't want anyone accusing me of not taking proper care of her. She is a very strong willed woman and she still has all of her faculties.

She sleeps on the floor (and has for years), only showers occasionally (and has for years) and likes being alone (except for me, but sometimes not even that). On the surface it could look strange but we've lived this way for years. The only hiccup is this drastic weight loss. Who is to say what the right thing is to do? If she goes to the hospital she could die (they nearly killed her once before), or she can stay home and try to get better herself and be comfortable.

If something happens while she's home, though, could I be blamed for neglect? I'm fulfilling her wishes the way I see it. Is this wrong?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I think you need to get your mom professionally evaluated and make sure someone hears from her that she prefers to sleep on the floor and that you're doing what you're doing because you're honoring her wishes. Do you have other relatives or friends who know the both of you and know that you're honoring your mom's wishes? That would help. If it's just the two of you, I'd be worried.

The vomiting is troubling along with the weight loss. Even if she's near the end of her life, it's good for you to have some understanding of what is going on with her. And it's good to protect yourself. I don't know if I'd go as far as Pam in saying you'd be booked, but someone outside of the two of you needs to understand what's going on and that it's not neglectful on your part.

If your mom is of sound mind and you approach it from the standpoint of needing her to go to the doctor to protect you, would she consider that?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

The legal definition of neglect depends on the laws of your state of residence and how those laws have been interpreted by the courts in your state. In my state, Florida, adult children have gone to jail for allowing disabled parents to die in their care, and conditions like dehydration and untreated infections have been major factors. If I were you I would insist your Mom see a doctor if you have to drag her there. If she dies, you may need to prove that you did everything in your power to get her medical attention.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would call Hospice and ask them to do an evaluation. They will speak to her privately and if she is determined to have no medical intervention, they can independently document that, which will protect you.
On the other hand, let's say she dies, and you call 911. They find an emaciated body with vomit, lying on the floor for a bed. I guarantee you the homicide crew shows up, takes pictures and finds it all very suspicious. The body goes to the coroner who will find malnutrition and dehydration. You are booked for criminally negligent homicide or maybe just manslaughter.
Now go make that call.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm also concerned about the vomiting and the weight loss. Something's amiss here, and it may be correctable.

If you can't get her to the ER, take her to a PCP, internist, GI doctor, even if you have to be a bit dishonest and not tell her where you're going until you're there.

Alternately, there may be some doctors that perform home visits; there is one group here in the SE Michigan area, and I'm thinking that this service may exist elsewhere.

Since you're inquiring about the possibility of neglect, I think you're concerned, but need some encouragement to get help even if your mother doesn't want it.

If you have to, call EMS with a report of weakness and repeated vomiting. I'm guessing she's probably dehydrated too. That way they can at least assess her and take her to the ER.

Actually, I think that's the best way because they're used to dealing with a variety of people and will know how to assure her that she needs to get help.

The fact that you called 911 will reflect on your concern, but be prepared to explain to the doctors that your mother hasn't been willing to get treatment and you've called EMS against her will.

Good luck; I hope you learn that the weight loss and vomiting are correctable.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you all for your answers. Even though some were quite blunt, it was the push I needed. I brought up the neglect thing to my mom and told her what it may look like for me as her caretaker if something happened to her. She fought me but then relented and she's now in the hospital. Her creatinine level was 9 and she's dehydrated. Her creatinine level has come down to 7. Still vomiting and can't eat but it's only day one.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is such a big question when a caregiver gets caught between a person's right to die as they choose and the law. The weight loss and vomiting does point to a serious problem that might be treatable. My father didn't want to go to the doctor, but there were times we gave him no option. He had to go. Period. She doesn't have to go to the hospital. I suspect the doctor will order some lab work and maybe some endoscopy. (I wouldn't envy you the latter.)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When you say the vomiting is a ned I cation issue, does that mean she's on meds.
? From a doctor?

In your shoes, I would call 11 and let them evaluate and talk to her if she refuses transport, ask for a hospice organization to evaluate her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

CALL HOSPICE. If not for her sake, for your sake. They have a wonderful group who will help spiritually, emotionally for her and you both. just talk with them. They are there to help guide both patient and caretaker to the end, if that is best. Mom was on hospice for a long time. They graduated her !!! In other words, she stabilized, no better, no worse. But I can call if she starts failing again....What a wonderful backup to have in the time of need. You need now. Maybe not so much your mom, but you need to be assured that you are ok to make ok decisions on behalf of your mom...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Jillie brilliant well done you - didnt see your update until I had posted sorry about that. You did absolutely the right thing and now they opefully will be able to give her some anti emtic to stop the vomiting and give her nutrients by an alternative method if needed. I am so pleased for you both and we are only blunt because we are trying to help not because we are nasty... well OK I am nasty but seriously we just want to help make the difference xxxx
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I feel like we need to give Jillie a standing ovation. Good job! You have made me feel better. I hope the nurses and doctors make your mother feel better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter