My mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and I thank God for making that decision on a daily basis. I love having a whole team of caregivers looking after her 24/7....what a blessing she can afford it! Not only is her every need seen to, but she's kept occupied all day long in the activity room with the other residents and the activity director. What on earth would she do all day alone at my house????
It blows my mind when I read about "guilt" and sorrow about placing a loved one in a safe and beautiful environment where shes treated with tlc and dignity all the time. We should all be so lucky to be looked after like this in advanced old age and infirmity.
My DH and I go window visit with her every Sunday, we bring lots of snacks and gifts, we call daily and Zoom too, she gets lots of calls from other family members as well, so she leads a full life.
Try looking at your mother's situation as a fortunate one instead of a sad one. Or take her home with you and plan to become the elder village you removed her from, 24/7.
While my daughter here visiting, I told her in no uncertain terms, that should I ever become mentally incapacitated, I want her to place me in ALF and that she shouldn't feel guilty!
I never want any of my children to have to deal with what I am going through right now!!
If you even have to ask this question on this Forum the answer is likely no, she would not be better off with you. Why would you think you have the skills and fortitude to take care of someone 24/7 who has dementia? It is an impossible job. You would not be able to work. How would you make money? You would be up all night with problems. How will you sleep. She will be at your home? What about your own family. Or at HER House? What happens when this falls apart and she has to go into care and you end up homeless and jobless with no work history. No, my advice would be not to bring her to your home, or her own in your care. I cannot imagine why you would think this a good idea. Can you elaborate why you would consider this? That is, what is your thinking process on this? I am certain she is confused and grieving her losses and I know you must be in pain and grieving yourself, but not everything can be fixed and a mind that doesn't work anymore can definitely not be fixed by good intentions. So sorry for all this pain; be as much support as you are able to your Mom now while she is in care.
For real, there's no need to be so harsh. Not everyone ends up jobless and homeless because they're at home caring for an elderly family member. No, JuneAzz99 should not bring her mother with Alzheimer's out of the nursing home to live with her. As for there being "no work history" employers are changing the way they look at resumes and are beginning to realize that many people were at home being a caregiver and managing to do at least a dozen different jobs daily at the same time and for years at a time. They're rethinking how they see people who have been out of the public workforce and the reasons why.
While the thought of having your mom live with you, probably sounds somewhat good to you,(in theory) realistically it would end up being a nightmare. She is now receiving 24/7 care at her MC facility. Are you prepared for that kind of care in your home? People with Alzheimer's have so many varied issues that need to be dealt with, which those that work in MC are trained to deal with. Do you feel confident that you could now deal with all moms issues? I'm guessing probably not, and that's ok. Most of us aren't qualified to do so. And I would venture to guess that a lot of people that have their loved ones in any type of facility, hate that they have to be there, but thank God those places exist, so the families can have peace in knowing that their loved one is being well taken care, better than they themselves could do at home.
Maybe make a list of EVERYTHING that your mom has done for her at the MC. Then, list all of the people who do all of those things. Then, write down all of the time that those things take. Can you do all of those things? Can you be all of those people and still be you, keeping in mind your own list of to-dos in a day? Do you have enough hours in a day to do all, and be all that you’ve listed?
It may help us to know why you hate her being in memory care.
I hated the idea of moving my Aunt from assisted living into memory care. I stressed like crazy!
The truth is, she is never in her room. They keep her so busy with activities that I am rarely able to get her on the phone (she lives in another state and refuses to leave that state).
I realize now, that they are better equipped to handle her Alzheimers than I am!
Don't let F.O.G. (fear,obligation, guilt) cloud your judgment!
Only you know just how much you can handle and you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
Please remember this one thing when you start second guessing your decision, ‘you cannot possibly do the job of an entire staff.’
You made the right choice. Be at peace knowing that she is well cared for.
If needed, don’t hesitate to speak to a professional therapist to sort through your feelings about any concerns that you have regarding your mom’s care.
Of course you hate having her there. She's your mom and you love her. You can still care for her if she's in the nursing home by making sure she's getting everything she needs. That means keeping on the staff all the time to make sure they're taking proper care of her. It means going to visit her all the time. With Covid restrictions that isn't possible right now, but there is other ways. Like daily phone calls and video chats. A nursing home staff member will have to assist her with that. I know it's hard on you and there's the terrible weight of guilt and even shame on you for putting your mom in a facility. Don't beat yourself up about it because you did what's best for her. Many times doing what's right doesn't make a person feel good. It doesn't make people feel happy. Sometimes it's not supposed to. Leave your mom in the nursing home. If she's been there for a while she's acclimated to it and is living a scheduled and structured life. It is very important for a person with dementia to live this way. Where they get up at the same time every day, eat at the same time, get their meds, get washed up and toileted, and have their activities the same every day. They also get socialization with other elderly people. Many times "at home" can be a very cold and lonely place for a senior. Especially one with dementia even when the family does their very best to make sure their loved one gets social activities. It doesn't work though. Socializing for people with dementia in a care facility is very different then in the outside world. In long-term care they handle it if someone is incontinent in front of a room full of people or if they have a hysterical outburst. The staff is equipped to handle these situations. Unless you have a staff of people at your command, you are not equipped to. This isn't possible to keep up when it's trying to be done in the house. Don't move her back with you. It won't be a good situation for either of you.
You could bring Mom to your house for one full day & return to MC at night, see how that goes. If that was OK, bring her home again for a weekend, a full 48 hours.
It's called a *trial of care*. I have seen rehab places insist the potential carer lives it for 48 hours as a trial.
My Dad passed his trial & got my Mother home (post stroke so very different care needs). The nurses said many are a blubbering mess of tears after 2 hours BUT they then KNOW they really can't do it - physical, mentally, emotionally & practically. They can they move forward to accept NH or MC placement with a lighter heart, without the guilt.
Many caregivers have had second thoughts about placing a LO in MC. Why did you pace her there in the first place?
I have a few questions. How are you at dealing with incontinence, especially fecal? Are you comfortable with getting up at 2 AM because your mom is up and trying to get out of the house? And how would you respond to delusions and hallucinations, especially frightening ones? Does insomnia bother you? Have you ever wondered why it's called the 36 hour day? If you haven't, it's because caring for an Alzheimer's LO, takes that much time each and every day. And what if she resists showering or eating, or blames you for stealing her bath robe that she herself placed in the refrigerator? You get the point? Your decision to place her in a MC facility was the right one. Think about it. She's getting the care she needs by a staff who is trained to deal with these issues. And if you're lucky, the staff may do more than just those maintenance issues, they may actually CARE about your mom's well being and dignity.
Leave her there and give yourself credit for knowing that she needed more than you could offer at home.
It blows my mind when I read about "guilt" and sorrow about placing a loved one in a safe and beautiful environment where shes treated with tlc and dignity all the time. We should all be so lucky to be looked after like this in advanced old age and infirmity.
My DH and I go window visit with her every Sunday, we bring lots of snacks and gifts, we call daily and Zoom too, she gets lots of calls from other family members as well, so she leads a full life.
Try looking at your mother's situation as a fortunate one instead of a sad one. Or take her home with you and plan to become the elder village you removed her from, 24/7.
While my daughter here visiting, I told her in no uncertain terms, that should I ever become mentally incapacitated, I want her to place me in ALF and that she shouldn't feel guilty!
I never want any of my children to have to deal with what I am going through right now!!
I never expected my uterus to be my 401k!! Lol
No, my advice would be not to bring her to your home, or her own in your care. I cannot imagine why you would think this a good idea. Can you elaborate why you would consider this? That is, what is your thinking process on this? I am certain she is confused and grieving her losses and I know you must be in pain and grieving yourself, but not everything can be fixed and a mind that doesn't work anymore can definitely not be fixed by good intentions. So sorry for all this pain; be as much support as you are able to your Mom now while she is in care.
Then, list all of the people who do all of those things.
Then, write down all of the time that those things take.
Can you do all of those things?
Can you be all of those people and still be you, keeping in mind your own list of to-dos in a day?
Do you have enough hours in a day to do all, and be all that you’ve listed?
It may help us to know why you hate her being in memory care.
I hated the idea of moving my Aunt from assisted living into memory care. I stressed like crazy!
The truth is, she is never in her room. They keep her so busy with activities that I am rarely able to get her on the phone (she lives in another state and refuses to leave that state).
I realize now, that they are better equipped to handle her Alzheimers than I am!
Don't let F.O.G. (fear,obligation, guilt) cloud your judgment!
Only you know just how much you can handle and you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
Praying for you to have the gift of discernment!!
You made the right choice. Be at peace knowing that she is well cared for.
If needed, don’t hesitate to speak to a professional therapist to sort through your feelings about any concerns that you have regarding your mom’s care.
You can still care for her if she's in the nursing home by making sure she's getting everything she needs. That means keeping on the staff all the time to make sure they're taking proper care of her. It means going to visit her all the time. With Covid restrictions that isn't possible right now, but there is other ways. Like daily phone calls and video chats. A nursing home staff member will have to assist her with that.
I know it's hard on you and there's the terrible weight of guilt and even shame on you for putting your mom in a facility. Don't beat yourself up about it because you did what's best for her. Many times doing what's right doesn't make a person feel good. It doesn't make people feel happy. Sometimes it's not supposed to.
Leave your mom in the nursing home. If she's been there for a while she's acclimated to it and is living a scheduled and structured life. It is very important for a person with dementia to live this way. Where they get up at the same time every day, eat at the same time, get their meds, get washed up and toileted, and have their activities the same every day. They also get socialization with other elderly people. Many times "at home" can be a very cold and lonely place for a senior. Especially one with dementia even when the family does their very best to make sure their loved one gets social activities. It doesn't work though. Socializing for people with dementia in a care facility is very different then in the outside world. In long-term care they handle it if someone is incontinent in front of a room full of people or if they have a hysterical outburst. The staff is equipped to handle these situations. Unless you have a staff of people at your command, you are not equipped to. This isn't possible to keep up when it's trying to be done in the house. Don't move her back with you. It won't be a good situation for either of you.
Maybe if you can put that into words, we can see it from your point of view.
It's called a *trial of care*. I have seen rehab places insist the potential carer lives it for 48 hours as a trial.
My Dad passed his trial & got my Mother home (post stroke so very different care needs). The nurses said many are a blubbering mess of tears after 2 hours BUT they then KNOW they really can't do it - physical, mentally, emotionally & practically. They can they move forward to accept NH or MC placement with a lighter heart, without the guilt.
I have a few questions. How are you at dealing with incontinence, especially fecal? Are you comfortable with getting up at 2 AM because your mom is up and trying to get out of the house? And how would you respond to delusions and hallucinations, especially frightening ones? Does insomnia bother you? Have you ever wondered why it's called the 36 hour day? If you haven't, it's because caring for an Alzheimer's LO, takes that much time each and every day. And what if she resists showering or eating, or blames you for stealing her bath robe that she herself placed in the refrigerator? You get the point? Your decision to place her in a MC facility was the right one. Think about it. She's getting the care she needs by a staff who is trained to deal with these issues. And if you're lucky, the staff may do more than just those maintenance issues, they may actually CARE about your mom's well being and dignity.
Leave her there and give yourself credit for knowing that she needed more than you could offer at home.
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