My first instinct is yes, do it, but I'm hesitant because she has no other family or friends nearby to visit her. Fortunately, however, just this past weekend I was able to get her into a really nice facility where I feel like she will get decent care and maybe even make some friends.
I wonder how often I should try to visit her...once a month, once every other month? It would require a plane ticket. I work full time so I could only stay a day or two at a time.
My opinion is do what is right for you. Make arrangements for good care. Where is she living now? Sorry, I didn’t read all the answers.
Visit as often as you can. Or see if she would like to move near you. Would you be interested in her living near you?
shocked at the responses. When did society become so self centered? I was surprised that there was even a question about moving away from your mother. As a person who has worked as a caregiver for 8 years and the daughter of both my mother and grand mother with dementia, I do have some input. I am not trying to put you down or be mean at all however...you only have one mother. She has only one life, she gave you life. So your first question should be what you can do for her. You might think that the facility that you saw was nice, but a lot of them are not. What happens if you move and find out that she isn't happy? I haven't always been the perfect daughter myself. But it is my opinion that you should take care of her while you can. I believe that if you do that the job opportunities will come your way after. God will bless you for making the right choice. After all he asked us to "Honor your father and your mother."
Most people would prefer help from family, but that doesn't give them the right to impose that desire on others. Most of us would want to be there for our families during emergencies, but it's not unreasonable to want to limit our involvement to urgent matters and not provide the day to day help that elders often need. I would have strongly preferred that, but my mother could not afford paid help or assisted living and still needed help with lots of day to day activities. So I was stuck somewhere I didn't want to be for 7+ years.
If my mother had the money for assisted living, I would have insisted that she use it. That way I could have gone on living the life I wanted and would not have been seething with resentment over being trapped in a role I didn't want and couldn't get out of.
For clarification, I shouldn't have said moving is not an option for her. It could be an option, just one that would be difficult given her health and financial situations and require crossing state lines. But it's not impossible.
I haven't talked to her about this since it's not a done deal by any means, but I believe she would be open to moving. Like my husband and myself, she is not originally from here, and she has lived in many different places in her lifetime.
I think taking the job - which has many advantages for my husband and me - and then later trying to move her closer is the most likely scenario. I do have a local friend who might be willing to check in on her, but if not, I will explore other options.
My grandfather lived to be 101 and had 3 daughters & 1 son and went into a nursing home for the last 10-15 years of his life & was very happy there.
If the job is that important to you, then move her to a facility nearer to where you want to relocate. Spending time with her, without all the cost or having to take a lot of leave from a new job (if she became ill) is more important than trying out a new job. In my opinion.
My situation now is to the point where I’d probably accept an offer to do the IT for a beach side taco and margarita hut in Mexico!
If you think this is the one, the job you’ve always wanted, I say go for it. Yes, your mom won’t be here forever, but neither will you. For years we lived under the ‘if mama ain’t happy’ rule. Well I’m 60 now and it’s my turn to be mama for a few years. Please consider what YOU want too.
If your mother is in Skilled Nursing, they do handle quite a few more issues for the elders than they do in Assisted Living. If she's in Assisted Living at this point, I sincerely don't see how this is feasible for you.
Whatever you decide, best of luck.
I agree with others who have said that since she's now in a facility, it's fine for you to move on with your life.
In terms of her refusal to move closer to you, just remember that with an elderly person, change is guaranteed. If she grows to feel that she needs you and you are already settled in a job somewhere else, she may change her mind. That happened with my mother.
As far as how often to visit, I'd limit it to special occasions at first. Maybe her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, or the like. Realize that as years go by, there will be crises and emergencies that you will likely want (or feel the need) to be there for. The last few years of life, people tend to move from crisis to crisis. If I were you, I'd save my leave time and travel dollars for that.
What I found was being in separate states without reliable, trustworthy local support, a lot can go wrong or be very sad.
I wish you and your mom the best, and hope you can confidently decide what will work for you two.
Moving away anywhere, especially away from the place they’ve always known, even if it is to a beautiful facility, is scary and unthinkable to them.
They have already experienced overwhelming losses. As a result they fiercely push back and refuse to move and/or accept the help and love from others that they desperately need in order to try and maintain as much control of their lives as possible.
Remember that the brain is broken and it is the disease talking, not your parent.
Do the best you can to make sure they are taken care of wherever they are and make sure to take good care of yourself, too. Balance is the key.
Talking to a good Geriatric Care Manager for their help and advice is a good place to start in determining options for caregiving help and other solutions.
I am writing from the patients perspective and will share a conversation I've had with my 4 children which range in age from 38-12 as well as my DW. Three of them are adults, though two are college age, I have also shared this with my 12 yr old daughter.
I was diagnosed 3 1/2 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ at the age of 57. I've told all of them they need to make the moves that are best for their careers, and best for any families they have in the future. The last thing I want is for them to feel trapped in to having to care for me. My DW and I began planning for the future at the time we were engaged. Being in the income range of higher middle income we've saved and invested for the last 25yrs. No, it can never be enough.
The three adult men have been encouraged to put together plans for their retirement years and encouraged to buy LTC insurance while they are eligible to purchase it. Our youngest is a Special Needs Child, who is medically disqualified from purchasing LTC insurance.
We started educating them on the subject of finances since their early teens, and just beginning with our youngest. Her special needs do not involve any intellectual deficits, so she's grasping much of what we are teaching her. My advice to you, look out for yourself and don't put yourself in a position of jeopardizing you future life. No, that doesn't mean abandoning your parent. However, you have to be sure you are securing your own future. That is only being fair to yourself. My opinion. Best of luck.
Alternatively, is she is too infirm, mentally unaware, etc. find a caregiver where she is to look in on her for a few hours a day. If you are working and she is in need of care - you will need a caregiver regardless of where she is. Contact your local Office on Aging (Senior services) There may be volunteers (usually other seniors) who will visit.
In CA we have In Home Supportive Services for income qualified people that will provide some assistance.
This will take some of your worry/guilt away - if it is a different climate that will make no difference unless she goes out a lot as these places are all set about the same temperature year round